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    Old 08-19-2013, 04:15 AM   #1
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    Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    Hi everyone,

    I have been addicted to heroin for some 15 years. In that time, I have detoxed many many times, using methadone, subutex and cold turkey, been to rehab, moved away, moved back, lost jobs, changed jobs, changed friends...etc. Pretty mcuh everything. More recently I had been clean for 6 months. I moved away, more specifically to stay with my Parents, in an attempt to get clean. They are very supportive; sometimes maybe too suffocating, but I know this is only because they love me and want me well.
    I was using the time to focus on being clean. Just being clean, but I feel that I may have missed the point and just stoping wasnt enough. I became bored (probably), lacking in any goals (definitely) but although I these things occurred, I still felt that I would not use and that just having clean time was going to benefit me.
    But I messed up AGAIN and now just feel like it was all a waste. 6 months and I am no further down the line than I was. Having broken trust and let people down, those close to me now feel I should be reflecting and staying away from anyone and anything that may even get me close to even thinking about using (not having money, not going out etc). I know this just wont work. I feel I just need to get on and start living, with all the risks that may or may not come with that. The problem I have once again, is that I didnt see it coming. It just came. Got me. ****** me over. How can I ever be free from this?? Its so hard. I want to study again (Im 32) and was thinking about completing the degree I never did and always should have, but I have a slight reluctance due to thinking, well whats the point if it all crumbles in a few months?! I hate heroin, genuinely. But then do I?! Sometimes it feel so wilful, like I just want to get smashed, even though life is so much better without it. Im confused and lost and with no real direction. Any words, any anything would be welcome

     
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    Old 08-19-2013, 04:23 AM   #2
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    Arguably, heroin is one of the most addictive drugs. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you can do it. I am proud that you are trying, and doing your best. Not a lot of people can say (or do) what you are doing after 15 years of use. You are an inspiration.

    Keep your head up. Everyone has their setbacks on the road to recovery. I am still going through my own bumps. Think about it. If the road was smooth, everyone would be on it, right?

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 04:28 AM   #3
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    An inspiration?! Thanks. I had never ever thought of myself as that. I am trying. I have always. Still trying. I just know I have so much to give, but just when I start to give it, it all gets taken away. I struggle with the; its an addiction and blaming that, between, its still my choice, so just say no!!
    I wont give up. I cant. There are so many reasons why. It has been a hell of a smash in the face though. Just gotta go again I guess. Maybe this time.....

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 04:40 AM   #4
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    Yes, an inspiration! Have you ever thought about becoming a speaker for recovery groups? It can boost morale, not just for yourself but for others that also want to get clean. Something to think about later down the road.

    I think you have lots of potential to do great things. Staying clean will have its ups and downs, and temptation will always be there. Try to stay positive. Think about all the things you've already accomplished. All the time you've stay cleaned. You had a set back, a lot of people have those. You're dealing with a hard drug, after 15 years of use. What did you do? You vented a bit, and got back on the right track.

    Are you part of any support groups? Have a sponsor or friend you could talk to when you're having a tough time? It's always good to vent. Not that this place isn't as good as any

     
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    Old 08-19-2013, 04:51 AM   #5
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    I have a drug cousellor, who does make himself available for me if I need to chat. Sometimes I feel like he doesnt really understand though. I guess noone can really. Maybe thats being unfair, but it is sometimes what I feel.
    I went to NA a number of times, but didnt really feel like it was for me. Most of the people there are defined by their addiction. I mean that as though they have to, even years down the line, live each and every day as an addict. Im not sure that I want to do that. Maybe thats unrealistic, but it seemed that everything they ever did circled around that. I know it will always be a part of me, but a distant part. A small addition to the person I am and want to be. I dont know, it just didnt connect with me. What I did like though, were the recovery stories of incredible courage. I have been to some terrible places and seen things I would not wish on anyone and most of these people had that, and some. So, because I no longer attend, I do feel a bit isolated. I have my family, not really too many friend since I moved areas and old acquaintances tended to be fellow users. Like I say, wanting to study and hoping I would meet people there to become part of my 'new' life, but having some people who can understand and relate to my struggles is definitely missing. Hence my arrival here today! I should also say that I am still on a methadone script, so saying clean, I mean free from heroin, which for me is everything. Methadone too is becoming a bind though. I want out of it all. I was just tapering to nothing and would have been totally opiate free in a matter of weeks when this relapse occurred, so right now, its a crutch I need.

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 05:15 AM   #6
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    When the time comes for you to kick that crutch to the side, I'm positive you can do it.

    I recently had a relapse myself. When I read your post it inspired me. It wasn't that long ago. I have been struggling with a lot of addictions for the last 15 years. I'm only 27. I had a tough time staying clean. I was clean of drugs and alcohol for the last two years, then I made a mistake. Saw old friends, hung out with the wrong crowd. All those bad habits I had came back with a vengeance and stuck with me for a month. Unlike yourself, I didn't put up much of a fight. It took me coming home high one day and looking my daughter in the eyes crying and asking me where I was. She had no idea what I was up to or that I had a drug problem (she just turned 8). She was upset that I was gone for 2 1/2 days and I didn't even notice.

    I checked into an outpatient therapy the next week. It broke my heart to see my little girl cry. I never want to do that again. 27 and I also want to get my degrees! I was a CNA, but I let my certification expire. I want to go back to school, do things with my life. Get back into art, do things that made me truly happy. Feel life again, but clean. I know it will feel good, but better this time around.

    Again, I will say it. Your post inspired me. 15 years and you had a setback. You got right back up even though you didn't want to. You reached out. It's something I wish I had done.

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 05:30 AM   #7
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    How recent was your relapse and how are things now?
    I have a yound Daughter (18 months). Since I split with my ex, I moved away to get right. I havent seen my girl for 6 months. I miss her desperately. I will never be back with my ex, but of course that is the case for many people, but I still want to be the best Dad I can and I was a good one, I know I was.
    I didnt want to be in and out of her life, so knew I had to get well before I bring her back into my life. I say that like it will be easy, but know my ex will not make it so. Perhaps with good reason. So, I need to have all the cards for when I approach - be clean, working/studying. A new life. A new person. I felt I was getting near. Maybe I became complacent. It wasnt easy to reach out and maybe like you in some ways, I saw those around me hurting and new I could not let this continue. My relapse was about 6 weeks. I just went off on one. Gave in and took off. Usually, this would have continued until I was almost dead, so I am thankful that I did not let it get that bad. You speak of arts; I play guitar and always know when things are not good when I realise I havent picked it up for a long time. You should study. Do it! I am going to go for it. Yes, feeling life, enjoying it; even the smallest and simplest of things. It is a wonderful feeling and really not fair that we cannot enjoy this without the possibility of a load of **** falling onto us at anytime. I am so jealous of normal people. Not that I want to be 'normal'. God no! But content doing the everyday. Ive been there. We all have. I love it. Why I choose to chuck it all away I will never fully understand. Its irrational and insane. I know categorically where it will end. It is that part of it that truly convinces me that I suffer from an ilness. If only we could just take a pill....(or not; maybe thats a bad option!

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 06:10 AM   #8
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    Last day of my relapse happened 3 weeks ago. July 22. When it all began is kind of a blur really. I just remember it starting about 3 1/2 weeks prior. Things now are tough. I struggle with a few things. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. A lot of the time I am tempted to "self medicate", as you will... I grew up with a lot of trauma, I turned to drugs and alcohol to ease the pains. When I was younger I was really into graphite art...I kept up with it even though my dad would tell me I was horrible at it. I took art classes and really expanded my media. I do pastels, oil and chalk, acrylic, charcoal, watercolor, marker... You name it. Later I started apprenticing to become a tattooist as my art became better and better. My husband bought me my first tattoo guns. I took more and more art classes. Then relapse after relapse and those dreams went down the drain, along with a lot of others.

    Since my last relapse I haven't picked up a pencil and pad. I have one always sitting around. I bought a dresser especially for my art supplies. Full of artist quality pads and supplies. My nightstand is full of pads and pencils. I just stare at them. It's depressing. My inspiration feels like its gone gone. The motivation. I used to draw 4 pictures a day. Whatever I looked at first thing I'd see on tv, or out on a walk. I'd draw it and change its look if I forget some details.

    Meh.

    Degrees. I want them. I do so badly. But I've been in such a funk about relapsing that I can't even bring myself to enrolling for school. I just had an apt today with a counselor to talk about my relapse. It was helpful. He's a great guy.. One thing I like about him that I didn't like about others was you are your addiction, or godliness this and that. He's a very "you can overcome anything you set your mind to" and "the only goals that are unobtainable are the ones you put out of reach" kind of guy.

    One thing I've learned from therapy is there is no such thing as normal, so were safe white picket fences and 9-5 jobs do exist, but those people have problems too. I think striving to become something that doesn't exist is an illness itself. Working on being clean sounds like a better idea, no? The rest sort of just follows.

     
    Old 08-20-2013, 04:00 AM   #9
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    Re: Heroin Relapse AGAIN

    If you work at it as hard as you can, it does follow. I know it does. Its just keeping it up. Either gets very hard and you lapse or you get really great at it and then complacent. I do anyway. But hey, another day passed and another day I didn't use

     
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