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Hello all ... it has been a long time :(


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Old 07-10-2017, 05:04 AM   #1
himmylover
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Unhappy Hello all ... it has been a long time :(

Since I have been on this sight, and thought about you all so very much but been taking care of mama, that has dementia and now has come time for her to go to a Memory care facility(((

I knew the day would come, but we can no longer give her the care she needs 24-7

My heart is broken for I am the oldest daughter that has done almost everything on my own from getting her VA Benefits she never knew she could get, made all funeral arrangement for her and my disabled brother all by myself, and yes I have a sister that will say has taken very, very good care of mom and the caregivers, well lets just say were not trained in this kind of background like stated.

How do you handled taking them to the facility do you tell her, for if I do she will run as fast as forest Gump, and I so much am tired of crying on how to handle this???? Should I say something to her or not? I feel if I don, she will get irate and maybe make her worse. But it is time, I can't continue to worry if a caregiver is going to show up or not, or have a car, and no knowing if they are doing their job which I KNOW they are not and now changing agency's and yes filing a report to the Attorneys Generals office.


That is another story ..........but please how do I handle this? It is killing me for I feel like I am turning my back on her, but know she needs to be safe but she will fight this to the end.

I have found a beautiful new facility that specialize in dementia and have been thought hates and back.

Please folks I need you and your advise. I love my dearest sweetest momma, but know it is time, she is getting so frail, and can't watch this anymore. pls. advise.

God bless to all.

Love Donna (Himmylover)
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Last edited by himmylover; 07-10-2017 at 05:05 AM. Reason: Ment to say HELLO All.

 
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Old 07-10-2017, 07:42 AM   #2
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re: Hello all.......it has been a long time :(

Dear Donna,

I also am a himmylover; raised a few litters of the darlings!

We also have in common that my mother succumbed to dementia and had to finally be kept in a safe place. I think that you should say what you are comfortable with saying, and that mom likely will not remember any of it. But you will, and you can patiently repeat it as long as you feel the need.

This is nothing whatsoever about you except that you have to mourn the loss. You kept good care of your mom and now still are doing what is necessary for her safety and health, and even her dignity. And, you have to mourn this loss which can seem worse than if she died, because she very well may exhibit normal dementia symptoms over what is impossible for her to understand.

We kept mom in my home, then with a caretaker then finally in a locked facility after she no longer knew what she was doing and that was not safe. We (me and my siblings) learned the hard way to do the hard things, after mom escaped and got lost a couple of times. She was found wandering the streets. We had to make her clothes zip where she could not reach just to keep her diapered and dressed. She just lost ability to understand reason, and she just wanted to explore and wander. Of course we were responsible to make sure she was fed, clean and safe.

That is ALL you are doing...what any loving daughter would do. Where she is at in her life is not your fault. Giving her up to be cared for in a safe place is the most loving thing you can do for her. Seriously, I doubt whether telling her anything would help her adjust. My mom did make this health directive when she had her mental capacities. But whether or not your mother wanted these things, this is the way it is now. All you can do is what is best, and be calm around her, then when alone bawl your eyes out because she is lost to you, and it's worse than death in our minds because she is still alive but we can't reach her. My heart breaks for myself that I went through similar grief and confusion, and I still miss my mom, though she forgot finally who I am, how to swallow and how to breathe and she passed away years ago.

My heart breaks for you. But I also know you are strong enough to do what is right for mom and you can do your grief work when grief comes up, and get through this.

I will be praying for you. Life can be so brutal.
God is blessing you.

Much love,
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Last edited by YaYagirl; 07-11-2017 at 10:37 AM.

 
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:45 AM   #3
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Red face Re: Hello all ... it has been a long time :(

God bless, and thank you....... anyone else feel I should tell mom she is going into a facility? I think she will run off and fight it all the way, I am so worried.
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Old 07-11-2017, 10:57 AM   #4
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Re: Hello all ... it has been a long time :(

Dear himmylover,

You're a great daughter! Be assured that the facility has security measures and won't allow her to get away.

Knowing what I know now, having cared for my mother and having had to place her in a care unit, I would arrange with the facility to have her familiar things taken there first, placed as much as possible as she knows them, then take her out to lunch and take her back to 'her room'. If she balks, explain that her room was moved. maybe then stay and have lunch with her, walk around the grounds as much as is there for that purpose, visit awhile, and then go home and bawl your eyes out. Because this is a huge adjustment for you, too. It's facing hard facts. Mourning is in order. There is no set way to mourn.

No matter what choices you make it's normal to second guess ourselves and dwell on 'if only' for awhile. It's just human. We can't get our peace and happiness from other people. We need to do what we know is needful, commit it to the Lord and and leave it in His capable hands. I'm sorry for us all that we have these things to go through.

We can do our best for all concerned and that's all we can do.
God is blessing you, sweetie.
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Old 07-13-2017, 06:34 AM   #5
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Re: Hello all ... it has been a long time :(

You have received some helpful ideas. Have you talked with someone at the facility and asked how specifically to handle this? Obviously, they have lots of experience with this. When I went through this, I had the additional issue of moving my mom from another state half way across the country.

Initially I thought she could live with my husband and me but it soon became obvious that her memory loss was much worse than we had realized. I thought I could put her in assisted living but, again, being around her 24-7, it quickly became obvious she needed more than that.

I think we used the going out for lunch routine. We had a nice lunch and then I think I mentioned we were going to make a stop on the way back, that there was something I wanted to look at...and then we arrived at the facility at the appointed time. Staff was ready to greet us. After staying a bit, staff had Mom occupied, we said a quick "see you soon" and slipped out.

It was the worst experience and it didn't get any easier for quite awhile. I just had to keep reminding myself it was the best I could do to keep her safe. I depended on the staff for advice and suggestions because this was all a new experience for me.



It sounds like you have found a wonderful home for your mom.

 
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Old 07-19-2017, 01:01 PM   #6
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Re: Hello all ... it has been a long time :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by himmylover View Post
God bless, and thank you....... anyone else feel I should tell mom she is going into a facility? I think she will run off and fight it all the way, I am so worried.
I am so sorry you are going through this with your mother, it is the hardest decision to carry out but for what its worth you are doing what needs to be done to keep her safe and that is the most important thing, but it isn't easy. DH and I had to move his mother and stepdad to Assisted Living that had a memory care unit for MIL had undiagnosed AZ and stepdad had the dementia associated with parkinson's disease. When the stepdad passed away we had to move MIL to a full time memory care for she had really gone downhill. DH was mentally shut down upon having to deal with the issues, I had to step in and through the wonderful help I read about on this forum, I was greatly relieved to find it wasn't as traumatic as I thought.

Whether you tell your mother where she is going depends on whether she is easily distractable or not. Some AZ patients are very easily distractable, MIL, fortunately was. I could take my cell phone out and pretend to make a phone call to see what was going on with her old room, and she would quickly forget and not get upset about the move. YOu may have to improvise a lot, but the main thing is you must not get upset yourself, act like you have everything under control and use distraction whenever you can. MIL was not mobile enough to be taken out to lunch, so I kept "surprise presents" in my handbag to take out for her to look at. I put interesting items into her handbag as well, she liked to empty her purse and go though the things over and over.

You have received good advice already, but I want to stress one more thing- you must take good care of yourself, first and foremost. This will be super stressful, you must find ways to relieve the stress or it will get to you. DH thought he was handling things, well, 2 months after his stepdad passed, he ended up having a mild(luckily!) stroke and is still trying to regain what he lost. His mom passed away last year but we feel she was not in pain and was resting as comfortably as possible with her condition. You will be in my prayers as will anyone who has had to deal with AZ.

 
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