It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

  • Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

  • Post New Thread   Reply Reply
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 12-18-2019, 03:51 PM   #1
    liz8100
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2017
    Posts: 31
    liz8100 HB User
    Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

    My grandmother has dementia and is in a nursing home. She's been there for years now, just 91 years old and her dementia is really awful at this point. She doesn't understand why it gets cold in December, thinks it's 8pm when it was the afternoon and just repeats herself.

    My dad (her son) died of cancer last month and my mom told her. My grandmother didn't have much reaction. She just didn't grasp the information well. Today, I went to see her and she said, "where's your dad? I guess he's busy lately." I've been reading about this and a lot of people say to just tell the patient with dementia that the deceased person is just resting or some other white lie not to upset the person with dementia.

    Now I told her what she said today and that I just changed the subject. She wants to go to the nursing home tomorrow and tell her again that my dad died. I don't think it's going to do any good and even if she did understand this time, it feels like my mom's trying to upset her and is going to keep telling her til my grandmother gets upset. Trying to upset her is a terrible idea. She tends to misbehave in the nursing home when she's very distressed. Why can't she accept that my grandmother didn't understand that her son died and just let it go? My grandmother knows her son died, didn't react to it so why not just leave it alone? I think my mom's going to keep telling her til she gets a reaction out of her and I know it's going to be a bad one and she's going to misbehave and probably get kicked out of the home because it wouldn't be the first time she misbehaves. Once she's misbehaving, it's dealing with her doctor, nurses, the home's social worker and director. It's going to be a huge mess. I don't see the point of her being told again if she isn't going to understand like she didn't before.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 12-18-2019, 05:59 PM   #2
    cejayb
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2008
    Posts: 292
    cejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB User
    Re: Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

    Absolutely the wrong thing to do. When my mum did, very rarely, remember dad, who had died many years ago and ask where he was I told her that he was safe and taking care of us. She was content. Upset is the last thing that a dementia sufferer needs and your mum needs to know this very strongly. You live in their world, not yours.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 12-18-2019, 09:30 PM   #3
    cejayb
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2008
    Posts: 292
    cejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB Usercejayb HB User
    Re: Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

    Thinking of this later.....when my husband died I remember thinking that I wished my mum was here, just to reassure me. I am a grandmother! Maybe there is a hope of that in the wishing to tell. Tread very gently.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 12-19-2019, 03:44 AM   #4
    Titchou
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Location: Birmingham, AL
    Posts: 20,084
    Titchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB User
    Re: Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

    Have the personnel at the nursing home talk with your mother about this. They can explain why it's a bad idea and your mother will likely respect their opinion due to their expertise in the field.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 12-19-2019, 02:19 PM   #5
    MSNik
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Sep 2006
    Location: USA
    Posts: 13,123
    MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
    Re: Mother wants to keep reminding grandmother about father's death

    I would have your mother discuss this with the social worker or nursing supervisor before you allow her to talk to your grandmother.

    What you describe is called Sun downing- getting the times of days mixed up and acting out..its very common with dementia patients. Chances are even if your mom tells her again, she wont remember the next day anyway- but you are right that she may act out and get aggressive. There is no reason to do that to her and your mom needs to hear this from someone at the home, not you.

    Ask her to please talk to someone there first...
    __________________
    RRMS- dx 05

     
    Reply With Quote
    Reply Reply




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:48 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!