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    Old 03-05-2005, 11:43 PM   #1
    SummerRain
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    My father hates us

    My father, who has alzheimers disease, has pushed aside us three children. He blames us for everything that has gone wrong. I took both my parents into my home, cared for them for fifteen month. My mother knew in 95 he had alzheimers and kept it from us until she became ill. As I look back, I see signs I overlooked. Such as he waited for the newspaper daily. Later they stayed rolled up without being read. He loved the crosswords. My mom became ill in 2004 out of state. The doctors would not release mom into dads care. My sister and I moved in with them, then I moved them out of state into my home. The authorities where they lived were ready to step in and remove them due to my fathers behavior and my mothers illness. Mom passed away last August. My father is a runner and ran away several times, even while she lay dying in the hospital. We tried and tried to get him declared imcompetent without much help from the doctors here. Dad could fool you. Mom died and Dad ran again. Finally he went to a VA hospital and they called us and said if we did not place him they would. I know Dad has lost everything. His home, his independence and then my mother. He is now in a nursing home alzheimers unit. He hates us! He will not talk to us nor does he want to see us. The man in my fathers body is not Dad anymore; my father loved his children. He tells everyone we stole his money, his car, his furniture, everything. We stole nothing! We never asked for a dime caring for them. We had to get a state conservator over his money and assests and a grandchild as personal guardian. He does not trust us and I don't understand this. My sister and I are very hurt. We have cried and cried. We did our best to keep them together despite his behaviors and now he hates us. Is this a normal part of his disease? I am thinking of never contacting him again as I feel I lost my Dad when Mom passed away. I must say the reason mom died was because my father removed her from the hospital when she needed an operation. Dad convinced mom the doctors and hospitals just wanted to "milk medicare." I am so confused by all the strange behaviors. Will my Dad ever be the man who loved us so much? I am new here and I hope I can find some kind of help through this.

     
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    Old 03-06-2005, 01:17 AM   #2
    Martha H
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    Re: My father hates us

    Dear Summer Rain, you poor thing! My sympathies. Somewhere on this Board is a poem called "When my Mother Dies," it expresses the idea that the person with Alzheimer is NOT the real person, but an 'imposter.'

    The man who hates you, the man who got your mom discharged untreated, is not your father, it is an imposter. The truth is, an AD patient can fool doctors and authorities for many years. Even members of their own family can be fooled into thinking the person is normal.

    You did not do anything wrong. You do not deserve the taunts and insults ..but remember, it's not really Dad. As his disease progresses he is likely to forget who you are, and of course he will also forget the delusions that you stole his money, etc. (VERY common in this illness. My brothers mother in law also believed she had lost her house because the children plotted against her ..until she entered the final stage which lasted 15 months, in which she was peaceful, mild mannered, and when she was repeatedly told "I am your daughter" she was happy and loving towards A, all the accusations forgotten.At the very end, all she wanted was to go home to her mother in Greece, who had died over 50 years before.)

    So yes,it will get bettter, the hate will be gone, along with all his other memories, and you and your sister should not - or try not to - feel any guilt because none of this is your fault.

    Love and prayers, have peace in your heart. You are one of us, a caregiver.

    Love,

    Martha

     
    Old 03-06-2005, 08:36 AM   #3
    SummerRain
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    Re: My father hates us

    Martha, thank you for answering. I read the poem and it brought tears to my eyes. It is exactly how I feel. I hate to say it, but sometimes my sister and I would just wish he would pass and be out of his miserable state. I don't know what stage he is in. He has fooled us so long. I wish mom would have confided in us years ago, but that is how they were secretive about important issues. Mom could make him do things such as bathe, act right and so forth. As soon as she died he turned for the worse. He is a bitter man. Yes you are correct, he thinks we all were in "cahoots" to take his money and property. He even believes the nursing home is in on it and stated they tape his conversations. His doctor is a "quack" and everyone around him is conspiring against him. He carries around useless junk mail, address book or notebook as if they are treasures. I wanted so much to keep him with me, to keep his life as normal as possible. However, he would run to the neighbors down the road (I live in the country)and tell such wild stories or call the police. Finally everyone around here knew him and the police would bring him back. The road here is dangerous especially for an 84 year old man with a walker to be trodding up and down. One time he insisited on going to the bus station. If I did not take him, he would have found a way. No one had POA or anything on him. At the bus station he would not buy a ticket until I went outside. There were police outside and I explained to them, they went inside and asked him who was president and Dad knew, so they said they could do nothing. He went to Texas then Illinois and was planning on going to North Dakota, but went to VA hospital. Thank God they finally got something done. In the last four months Dad has really changed in appearance. He is getting so skinny and haggard looking. My Dad was a big man. I do not think he weighs 150 lbs. He won't look us in the face. He backed away when my sister tried to kiss him. He is kind of clinging to one grand daughter that is why we let her be the guardian over his body. It hurts he did not trust us. He does eat candy all the time, but I only saw him in court last week. I did not go for 4 months to see him because he flies into a rage about his car, money, black box, etc. He cannot comprehend writing, he cannot write a check, he cannot dial a phone, he cannot count money. Does this give you a hint to what stage he is in? The granddaughter thinks he is okay and just an old man who needs love. She was not living with him and has no idea. The nursing home told us Dad is the most exasperating patient they have had in the last 14 years. I am so grateful I found a place where others are going through the same things we are. I can learn from others experiences. Blessings to all.

     
    Old 03-06-2005, 11:10 AM   #4
    sivad
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    Re: My father hates us

    Hi,
    Bless your heart. Do not dispare, we are all going along this road together. My Mom, 84, is progressing into the moderate stage. Her short term memory is totally gone now. We have not had a professional diagnosis because she is such a worry wart, highly stress prone and has a heart condition. It is possible she may die from some other cause before she gets as bad as your Dad. I am her caregiver. When I retired last year, we bought a duplex side by side and she lives in one side and I live in the other with my husband. This way she has all of her tons an tons of stuff and can be semi independent. Caregivers are a special group of people. Many times they get second guessed by other family members, who see nothing wrong. They give up so much and do so totally willingly. I am an only child and have no sister to help share. I know you treasure her. Retirement is sure not what I thought it would be. I love my Mom and hate what this terrible, rotten disease is doing to her. I know you feel the same way about your Dad. Go see him. Talk to the nurses, they need your encouragement to care for him and see that his last days are comfortable. The best to you and your family, Sivad

     
    Old 03-06-2005, 12:08 PM   #5
    SummerRain
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    Re: My father hates us

    Sivad,
    Bless your heart. I know how hard it is especially when you have no one to help. My first husband and I were married 28 years. I remarried and became a widow after 5 years. My first husband became a quadriplegic due to a motorcycle wreck. Three of our five living children put him into a nursing home where they kept him sedated. I had the oldest remove him and bring him home so I could care for him. My fourth daughter was living in Chicago and moved back to help also. He lived 27 months after the wreck. He was 62. The last few weeks were very tiring. No one else would help us. My sister came from 550 miles away to help us the last two weeks. I don't know what we would have done without her. We then took care of our parents. Now my 42 year old son in law is terminal and they have a 3 year old. They moved in with me so I could help. You are so lucky to have a duplex. What I would not give for just a little privacy. Your mother must be able to cook for herself. My father would just sit there until you gave him food. My brother thinks Dad is in stage 5. Retirement for me has not been what I thought it would be either.

     
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