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    Old 03-06-2005, 08:04 PM   #1
    angel_bear
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    Lightbulb The First Shower .......

    I got a phone call from FIL saying "That lady is here to shower me and she doesn't know the ropes, come home now" .



    Good grief methinks, what have they sent us??? I went dashing home, to find it was HIM who wanted ME to show her how to turn on the hose (like she couldn't????) HIM who wanted ME to stand there and chat to him ... then MIL got into the act, and started yelling and shouting and upsetting everybody ... and FIL stood up and turned the damn shower off and yelled ... and the aide and I just looked at each other and I said "welcome to my nightmare" ...... she was "--" that close to walking out ... FIL yelled the shower stream was too hard, water too hot, MIL was doing her yelling bit about water leaking out ...... what a DISASTER .....

    So I stood in the hallway and said quite firmly :

    "This has gone to crap for no particular reason and everybody is being very silly about the whole thing" .. and went and got BIL (who was hovering too ... thankfully)

    He calmed down his mother, I got what was needed, I told FIL to calm down and I told the aide nicely to not rush him because he needs to get his breathing into sync if he needs to do anything. Once she realised that, SHE calmed down and went slower. I understand her hurrying, she's got others to do, but you simply CAN'T with a lung disease patient!!

    BIL then drove off promising he would be back in 20 minutes, and MIL started again ... yelling "stop, stop stop" at the aide, and yes, a little water was leaking into the hallway but NOTHING like our usual flood (LOL) and then she looked at me and she was so ANGRY, and her hand was in a fist, and that fist was coming closer to me, and I said "We're trying our best, but he HAS to have a shower" and then she thumped me in the shoulder (the sore one .. typical) and I said "DON'T HIT ME" and she said "I didn't" ......... oh GEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ ............ so I calmly asked her to go outside and eat her sandwich, and she said "I did, I did, I that that there, then I did!!!" and I said "Good on you" and off she went and ate her lunch on the back verandah.

    BLOODY HELL ...... so FIL's shower finished (it turned into bigger than Ben Hur I tell ya!!) and I crept upstairs, and he called me down and asked me to get his phone and oxymeter from the bathroom. The aide said "Oh I could have done that" and I said "but it doesn't work that way" .... FIL asked her to wedge the front door open, and got frustrated with her when she didn't understand his instructions (as I am quietly saying to him, patience, she hasn't been here before)

    He made it as DIFFICULT as he could today ...... because it wasn't ME doing it.

    And we get another new person on Wednesday, and another new person on Friday............. oh what a week this will be ........

    Anyway ..... I've calmed down .......... but I'm very unsure if it's WORTH this hassle .... but I know I have to stick with it. Heck, I even hung out the washing today, and raising my arm to reach the line was painful ... and he wants me to SHOWER him???

    They just don't understand ....... at all........

    Hugs girls .....

    Sally

     
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    Old 03-06-2005, 08:41 PM   #2
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Hi Sally -

    You did very, very well - no one got murdered!!!!!!!! Ah, yes, tho some definitely were asking for it!!

    FIL unacceptable behavior.
    MIL unacceptable hitting, but...can she help it???

    My humble little suggestion is that you write out a few instructions for the aides to read before they arrive. FIL's physical restrictions, the breathing in sync thing, where things are kept and such. Also a brief alert about MIL and her problems. Make a copy to keep at the house and one to give to the office that makes the assignments for the aides so they will have no excure if the people they sent are uninformed. After you have given these helpful hints to the concerned parties, when Wednesday and Friday bath time comes, turn off your phone and be somewhere else far away. FIL will survive. Do not run to the rescue. Enlist BIL to be in the wings. He's a nurse, he can do this.

    Maybe MIL could go shopping or be otherwise occupied during bath time. That would lower the chaos quotient and the decibel level!!

    If the bath thing cannot work out because FIL is uncooperative, impatient, and purposefully difficult, off to the aged care home he goes - pronto. Manipulative behavior will no longer be tolerated or rewarded. The cost has been your health and that is too high a cost to pay one minute longer.

    Go get the applications for the aged care home and get BIL and DH together to fill them out. Be ready.

    St. Sally, you are amazing! I think you deserve a Cherry Ripe or two!

    ((((hugs)))) and blessings - Barbara

     
    Old 03-06-2005, 11:22 PM   #3
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Ooooooooo ........ Cherry Ripes .......... Mmmmmmmmmmmmm ..... (insert sound of Homer Simpson with donuts hahahaha)

    I can't believe what went on today .. I really can't ... I sat back from the situation and thought "good heavens .... "

    My Social Worker G is coming over tomorrow morning around 11am .... just for a chat with me ... I'll let him know again what happened today, how I TRY to step back but I'm not allowed!!

    Actually DH came home this afternoon from College, and I was like "Welcome Home, love you ... day went to crap .. I'm going out" and took off. Nobody saw me leave (sneaky eh?) .. FIL rang ... I ignored the phone and rang DH and said "I know what he wants, he wants his shorts ... " DH went and got the shorts. FIL rang again, this time I answered, and a dressing was coming off his leg. When I said "Oh well, you'll have to wait until I get home" he was like "OH!!! You went out?? OH!!!"

    MIL is in a foul mood .. came up to me, really IN MY FACE and said "I'm going OUT OUT OUT I am I am" and I just turned away and said "I really don't care Doris" ... and walked away ....

    Rude of me probably .. but after today's exhausting behaviour .... I'm just not up to be sociable and friendly with her.

    St Sally? I don't think so .. too many murderous thoughts going through my head at the moment .. LOL

    Hugs
    Sally
    (PS: doing list of wants and needs now .. GOOD idea !! Thanks!!)

    Last edited by mustang_sally; 03-06-2005 at 11:24 PM.

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 12:09 AM   #4
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Dear Sally, You have to be OUT, or otherwise unavailable, when the shower-person comes. Make a list and disappear. Even if only in your room with the phone off.

    They will learn to leave you alone if you don't respond, if you keep getting drawn into the fracas you will never be left alone. Good idea to have someone - NOT YOU -otherwise occupy/distract MIL during the showermania.

    GOOD that you went out. All these hassles keep on making it clearer to everyone that you are in dire need of help, your inlaws in desperate need of custodial care.

    Hang in there. I too think of you as a saint. Don't think they too didn't have murderous thoughts. My first reaction to MIL punching you in the sore shoulder was, boy, I would have shoved her away from me, maybe even hit her back (instinct, not because I believe in violence, I don't.)

    Love,
    Martha

    Last edited by Martha H; 03-07-2005 at 12:10 AM.

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 01:50 AM   #5
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    oh trust me .. TONIGHT I almost decked her ...........

    MIL has NOT been having a 'good' day. It started this morning, she didn't believe there was any orange juice in the fridge. Kept insisting it wasn't there. My son came down for FIL and found it ... and since she was proven 'wrong', she got 'iffy' for the rest of the day.

    Then the shower incident ........... and then ... tonight.......... ai yi yi !!!!

    Our other daughter went to Queensland for the weekend with her schoolfriend and her grandparents (friend lives with Grandparents, her Mother is decease and her father doesn't care for his daughter) ... daughter asked MIL if she could borrow the 'black suitcase' which MIL had in her bedroom. MIL said "yes". Daughter borrowed said suitcase, and packed it with what was needed for her trip and left from school on Friday. During Friday, MIL came to me, and ... after a little bit, I figured she realised the suitcase had gone. I explained she had told daughter she could use it. MIL was a bit fuzzy. Saturday passes, Sunday passes, daughter comes home Sunday night. First thing this morning, MIL is upstairs, very insistant about *something* .. I thought "suitcase" .. so I said "we're not unpacked yet, it's ok . you WILL get your suitcase back, I promise" ......

    Fast forward, past shower, past some 'iffy' moments this afternoon, to dinner time. I send son down with some food to put on to keep warm, everything is fine. I send said daughter down with the 'pot' of meatballs and Thai sauce, and she came back to me (daughter) saying "Nanna say's it's her pot" .. I said "No it's not ... we know it's mine, don't worry about it" ........... and then eventually head downstairs to put dinner all together.

    Well, as I put my foot on the downstairs floor, I heard her bedroom door SLAM. Ooo .. methinks .. and walks into the kitchen. FIL is at the dining table, awaiting dinner, and I asked if MIL had a problem. He said "I think so" .. so I got dinner together, went to her door, knocked and as I entered she shouted at me "GO AWAY, YOU YOU , HER THAT THAT, GO AWAY" .... so I said "yup .. OK .." and left. We got the idea she didn't want to eat dinner with us!!!! So we're sitting there eating, and she comes charging through yelling at daughter, saying "you always always always, mine mine, bling bling thring thrang, (you get the idea...)" .. .she's VERY insistant daughter has done something in her room ... MIL is quite frantic, crying, throwing herself across the bed, RANTING AND RAVING ....... then DH says "is it the suitcase your going on about Mum?" and she said "yes, yes, thrang, thring, that that, her her always always" .. and she stomped off .. leaving us somewhat jaw-dropped gobsmacked!! I said "Ok .. I'm going upstairs, I'll dump daughters stuff on the bed and give her the suitcase back" .. and I went upstairs to find MIL in the kids room, daughters stuff strewn about, and SHE'S GOT THE SUITCASE !!!! I said "Can I check to see everything is out?" and promptly got hit in the jaw again !!! I lost it !!!! I said "IF YOU KEEP HITTING ME I WILL PUT YOU IN HOSPITAL" and she bloody well hit me again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I left, went downstairs and burst out crying. DH said "ENOUGH" and took off and screamed at his mother how he is sick of her hitting and abusing me ...... then he went upstairs to calm down.

    The rest of us finished dinner ... upset and crying kids, but we finished (sorta) and washed up .. and I stayed and calmed FIL down ..

    BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT

    He's asked me to check into Nursing homes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

    <b>MAINLY</b> for her ............... but also for him ........ perhaps, maybe ..... he IS under the delusion that he will be locked away in a room and forgotten.... that he will be lonely and avoided .......... AHHHHHHHHHHHH ...........the news we have for him is only good !!!!!!!

    so I've rung BIL to update him on tonight ...... he's having dinner and will ring me back shortly ('ish) .... so I thought I would duck on here and let you know the LATEST LATEST MOMENT ..... *(it's 8.49pm .. this all started happening 1 1/2 hours ago !!!!!!!!!!!!)

    I've done my 'shower' list, my Mum thinks it's a great idea (I read it out to her) and it's a step by step by step by step by step idiot proof guide to showering FIL ... LOL

    Soo................. hope on the horizon? I can only wonder ........ but FIL wants me to check out this 'drug' for MIL to calm her down as well..... plus perhaps even ANOTHER Geriatrician's opinion ....... so .......... so ........ the long way around, but around it might be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hugs to all again ... (it's been a busy night eh?)
    Sally

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 02:23 AM   #6
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Oh GOSH. No, no . .. you can't keep on being her punching bag. YES ..drugs to calm her are now required. Even a GP can prescribe a mild tranquilizer and a sleeping pill ... they used to hand out tranquilizers like candy in the 70s when they were supposed to keep unhappy housewives quiet .. but that's a 'whole nother story' ...

    YES, pills to keep her calm, even sleepy, sedated .. until she is placed, which has to be SOON!!

    Gosh. What can anyone do, when we can't appear in person to give a hand? Praying for you, Sally, that's all I can do from here. And engouraging you to get more and more help, withdraw more and more. Don't go to the door to see what she's miffed about, eat in peace and she can eat later. You are not required to make her happy all day long, it is impossible anyhow. Sorry your daughter got pulled into it; I hope she had a peaceful weekend with her friend.

    Love,
    Martha

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 04:06 AM   #7
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    I'm refusing to make her happy all day long .. if she's being genteel, all's good and well, if she's off the planet, fine, leave me alone .. but tonight .. tonight ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr .... I actually told her to go to hell ... (God, strike me now .. I MEANT it) ... I DO NOT LIKE THIS IMPOSTER (isn't that poem just so PERFECT??) ... This imposter is HORRIFIC .... AND IT CAN GO TO HELL .........

    Now if Nice MIL returns tomorrow, all will be well ........ otherwise, the Imposter is going to be given short shrift .. !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hugs
    I need some sleep
    Sally

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 06:50 AM   #8
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Hi Sally,

    Holy cannoli, Batman....... what next?????

    Methinks this episode ought to be the corker, the straw that broke the camel's back and before MIL breaks something on you! Have her committed without delay and without cautious consideration on FIL's part. For crying out loud, good information and visits have been done. FIll out the paperwork today. If FIL needs a look, take him today and he can be relieved it's not a dreary, dank, dungeon!!

    The time for trying pills to keep Doris sweetly home is over. She's gotta be out of there. This outburst makes it imperative that haste is needed. You kids, you, and DH cannot be subjected to this constant crazy and threatening upheavel. You never know what will set her off next and cannot tiptoe constantly. Sadly, you cannot keep Doris and ban the Imposter.

    You know, even if it were possible, acceptable, workable to keep FIL home with employed aides to do everything, he'd still be back and forth to the hospital because of his illness. Would it work if FIL stayed home, had aides do all of his care, and you just do meals? Would he allow it to work? Does he think he and Doris should be together?

    If I could be there, I'd volunteer to be the steamroller (yeah, all 5' of me!!!) and make the calls and order BIL and FIL around, engage a truck to haul the furniture, and get the show on the road! Imposter and threats be gone!!!!!!!!

    Fill G.'s ear and enlist his assistance to get things moving. We moved my mother into her apartment just 3 days after we saw it for the first time. Most facilities understand that be the time you've resigned yourself to what has to be done, you want it done quickly. If they have room, they work with you.

    Hope the solution is easy to find...

    Blessings and (((hugs))), friend, Barbara

     
    Old 03-07-2005, 12:05 PM   #9
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Barbara is right ..pills might have helped 6 months ago, now it's only a 'home' - no other alternative - your own sanity and the health and welfare of you and your kids are at stake ..

    Love,

    Martha

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 08:30 AM   #10
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    I agree. Pills only help for so long. Sally, think of it this way. Doris was very angry at your daughter that night. It could have been HER that Doris struck. BIL needs to get out of his denial and into the real world. He needs to stop this wishy washy jargon and do something. Your whole family is at stake here while FIL and BIL do a dance around the subject (do we want to, do we not?). At this point, I doubt any drug short of one that knocks her out will help all that much. Get her out of there and into a NH as soon as possible. When the imposter takes over like that, it is capable of anything.
    When you were saying you all were eating dinner and she came in there yelling, all I could think is it's a good thing she didn't get a hold of a steak knife at that point. That's a scary thought but it's something that needs to be taken into consideration because you don't know what the imposter is capable of.

    Barb
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    Old 03-08-2005, 12:22 PM   #11
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Sally,

    This is off the subject a lot, but hope you're safely far away from the cyclone that's headed for Australian's Northeast coast!

    Blessings - Barbara

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 01:35 PM   #12
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    oh yes Barb .. I'm about 2 days drive south .. the most we might get is some off shoot rain and wind .. I'm fortunate in that I don't live in the cyclone belt!!!

    Although we are thinking of moving up that way when all this is over ... are we mad? hahahaha

    Shoulder/neck VERY sore today ... I think I pushed me yesterday ... Shower No. 2 today, with NO support ...... I'm terrified ......

    Hugs
    Sally

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 05:45 PM   #13
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Hi Sally,

    Glad to hear you're our of nature's harm's way. I remember you're thinking of moving to the north, but this cyclone should hint that you stay far away from the coast if you go north!

    How is it that there's no support for Shower #2? No Bil? No aide? If those are true, it should it be, NO Sally. No shower. FIL loses. He'll have to give himself a spit bath. Sally is not in the shower business anymore due to injury. Forever. Amen!

    Are the admission application forms filled out? What did G. say about your new bruises? about MIL's departure? about FIL's departure?

    You should not ever have cause to be terrified in your home. That is so wrong.

    Email China family and call for help. Moving date must be soon. Sanity, safety, and reason require it.

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and blessings - Barbara

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 07:36 PM   #14
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    h'okay .. here's today's ongoing saga.

    A different aide came (we're not guaranteed the same person) and HE came 45 minutes early .. well didn't FIL be NOT HAPPY about that .. and he claimed he wasn't well enough to actually shower, and might just have a sponge bath. BIL is doing a job in the next town, DH is at college, L is at College .. so there's just little old me with the sore neck/shoulder ...

    I have a sneaking suspicion FIL wasn't 'well enough' today because he knew there was no back up of somebody riding 'shot gun' to divert MIL away from anything .. a sponge bath is much simpler.

    G is very proud that I am sticking to my guns ... but hasn't made another appointment to see me as yet. I've got the information to hand to FIL about the Aged Care facilities, which I will do this afternoon when he goes to the club (yes, he still goes to the club, EVERY afternoon for 3 beers , he spends his entire day making himself well enough to venture out). It will give him some night time reading whilst he eats MIL's cooking tonight .. it's my night off.

    However, yesterday, BIL was there whilst I was trying to talk to G, and when I pointed out that if I was in an abusive marriage, people would be telling me to GET OUT, I asked what the difference was. BIL said "but your husband would KNOW he was hitting you, Mum doesn't". G just looked at him, then me, and said "well that's true, but this is still an abusive situation" .. BIL just stood his ground and said "But she doesn't KNOW she is"

    Like that makes it better apparently ... hmmm .....

    Anyway .............. I've only got people coming to shower FIL until early April. After that .. well ... tuff .... I suppose .. Unless we can get him moving in and faster (and it depends on bed availability) I don't see any other choices really .... depressing eh? FIL is now complaining that Monday, Wednesday and Friday is a bit much (oh really?) can we change it to Tuesday and Thursday .... less impact on MIL. Can we change the time? Can we, can we, can we .........Geeeezz ... what does he want? I pointed out to him that these people are run off their feet, but I don't think it relates to him!

    In between all of this, MIL took herself off shopping yesterday morning .. caught the bus and all. FIL panicked, BIL and I shrugged and went "oh well ..... " BIL is quite happy to let her go cause "she'll make her way back home again , she always does, might be via the Police, but she'll get home" and my logic is "oh , some peace and quiet, and she'll come back in a good mood" LOL LOL ...

    When she came home, we're not quite sure HOW she got home, but she had this HUGE suitcase she had just bought. Why? Because of the suitcase issue the other day. I mean, this is one HUGE suitcase, wheels, extendable handle .. pockets everywhere .. and BIL took one look and said "oh Mum, what have you gone and done now?" .. she was hot and flustered, and was dragging this case sideways, then upsidedown, THEN got it right, all while we were watching her.

    Then a little while later she came upstairs whilst G and BIL and I were talking about the previous nights debacle, so we all instantly shut up .. and she looked at me and said very quietly "you know, thra thra, thray, stupid that 3, 3, 3" and I went "right!" and BIL went "really Mum?" and G just sat there watching us.

    Soooo .. vague translation is: <i>Last night was stupid, I've bought a bag everybody can borrow (just because It's big enough to put one of my kids INSIDE is irrelevant LOL). My little bag is special to me and I don't want to share it anymore.</i>

    She seemed happy with that translation. BIL then went downstairs with her to sort out where it should go so G and I could have a chat.

    Fast forward to this morning. MIL isn't totally lost in her head .. the Taxi card she had with it's number on it, ends in 0081 .. I changed one of the zero's to an 8. Well that didn't stop her, she knew it was 0081!! Blast!! She called a taxi, and when he turned up, she was dragging this suitcase off with her. He asked "where to love?" and she's gone off into her babble, pointing, and saying "round, round, there there, that over round round" and I called out "Going to Settlement City MIL?" and she looked up and said Yes .. the TAxi driver said "Phew, thankyou!!" and off they went. Well, that's where we THINK she bought this bag from .. obviously now .. she wants to take it back .......

    Well she's back within the hour ....... WITH THE SUITCASE ............

    So suitcase and MIL had a lovely shopping trip and a drive in some taxi's!!!!!!

    The day just get's weirder.

    Hugs
    Sally

    Last edited by mustang_sally; 03-08-2005 at 07:38 PM.

     
    Old 03-09-2005, 07:05 AM   #15
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    Re: The First Shower .......

    Hi Sally,

    Weirder is right!

    Okay, my take on these events is
    - look BIL square in the eye and tell him whether MIL knows what she is doing or not, you and your family are not going to be the punching bags. He'd not stand for it if it were L. getting punched. His opinion doesn't count since he's not in harm's way. The end. MIL is leaving home.

    - call the aged living facilities so you know the availability situation. Ask if FIL will still be able to go to his club from each location. That way you can assure FIL that he can still get there (I hope!).

    - as for showers, call a taxi for MIL when the aide arrives! Would it help to have a number of destinations written on a card so MIL could point to where she wants to go and all the taxi drivers would be relieved?!

    - as for showers pt 2, FIL's objections to days and times of scheduling are all just little micro-managing ways of controlling his life, I suppose. Whatever, he is certainly being as contrary as possible and that will not do.

    G. needs to do a better job of riding to the rescue.

    Hope your night off is/was a delight! What shall you do on your day off?!

    Hugs and blessings - Barbara

     
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