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  • Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

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    Old 04-02-2005, 04:55 PM   #1
    LuvMyLilDoggie
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    Angry Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Ok ladies... I'm ready to crack.... dad smells to high heaven--no he's beyond smelling-he STINKS! The stench follows him from room to room and STAYS THERE!!! YUK!!!!
    I bought him new socks today because he's wearing the same ones ALL THE TIME and the rest I have found (I'm sure there's new ones somewhere but hidden VERY well) are full of holes and far beyond cleaning.

    I said several times today "Dad, I need you to take a shower so I can wash the clothes you're wearing. Your clean clothes are on top of the laundry basket in the bathroom". "Ok." An hour later "Dad, take a shower." "Ok."
    15 minutes later "Dad, I really need those clothes so I can make a full load. Take a shower so I can wash them." "Ok." SHEEESHH!!! Ok WHAT??? Ok, I'll take a shower or Ok f you??? This has gone on most of the day.

    This damn social worker STILL hasn't called and I'm ready to go berserk!!!! I've kept my calm so far but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. A SKUNK smells better than he does at this point!

    Ok, it just happened. He got to me. Came in here and said he's got nothing to live for and got all ****** off and started yelling about how his life isn't his own and he's got nothing but his car. I'm shaking so bad right now I can hardly type. I'm so-OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I need to put up a damn punching bag in the garage.

    He says he wants to kill himself because his life isn't his own anymore. I said "Why? Because I asked you to take a shower?" He stormed off in his room. I know he won't kill himself. This is something he's threatened since I was a little girl. But I can't take it anymore! I'm calling the VA Monday and telling him they HAVE to do something for him! I get chest pains when I'm stressed and I have them now. I can't take it. He just came in here now without a shirt so maybe he's slowly getting there. I told him the doctor noticed he didn't shower the last visit and was calling a social worker. Maybe I shouldn't have said that but I hope it worked.

    Nope, didn't work. Now he's getting a cup of coffee. I just put his sheets and blanket in the dryer and I sprayed Fabreeze all over his bed about a half hour ago. Now at least his bedroom doesn't smell as bad.

    Time for me to get out of the house for a few hours and calm down.

    Love, Barb (who would never wish this hell on anyone)
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    Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 04-02-2005 at 05:00 PM.

     
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    Old 04-02-2005, 05:06 PM   #2
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Oh Barb, I'm so sorry for you. Why doesn't he take showers? Would it help if he were on some kind of pill making him more docile, like a tranquilizer? I can well imagine what you are going through. I wish I had an answer. Yes, keep on complaining to the VA... but what about getting him into a nursing home, where a couple of strong aides just walk him into the shower, if he wants to or not??

    As I've said before, the loss of personal hygiene is a terrible component of this disease ..if the person is unaware of it and responds when told (with anger, and then by finally washing, like my Mom) that is bad enough, but if he knows he stinks and doesn't do anything abut it, is he doing it to annoy you, to assert his independence, punish you and hurt you or what?? Don't let this get YOU sick .. we need you and your wise advice! No funny heart pains, please . Wasn't he supposed to go to Alabama? Did he ever get his teeth fixed? Send him to your sister for awhile! Breathe clean air in your home for awhile!

    How sad ... how terrible .. what can anyone do?

    Maybe he has to get forced into a daily wash. First a bath, then you get your breakfast. Hungry? Have you washed? Not yet? breakfast is AFTER your shower???

    LOTS of love and sympathy,

    Martha

     
    Old 04-02-2005, 08:10 PM   #3
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Barb ...

    When my son was little, he discovered he was allergic to water. He fought me tooth and nail about getting in the bath. One day, he was sitting on the toilet and I turned the shower hose on (it was a flexible one) and hosed him, clothes and all on the toilet.

    Ok .. he was a little boy ........... but it got the message across.

    Another time, he refused to get out of his chair for a bath. So I picked up up, chair and all, clothes and all and dumped him in the bath.

    Ok .. I know your Dad is bigger than my son was then, but can you get a flexi hose? We have plastic ones that fit onto a sink tap .. can you break into the toilet when Dad is sitting and HOSE him down? At least if his clothes are wet, he might take them off and you might get something moving.

    Maybe when the weather is warmer you can take him for a swim???

    Ummmmmmmmmm......... blackmail .. I agree with Martha.

    Try anything .... a favourite treat? Show him the treat .. do you want it Dad? Have a shower NOW .. walk him in there .. ??

    Oh Barb .. my sympathies go out to you. FIL refuses showers (and he's NOT demented) because they exhaust him .. and I just get rude now and say "sniff, sniff, well that deodorant isn't working" .... he laughs, and the silly thing is, he feels so much better when he's cleaner!!

    MEN !!!!!!! Doesn't matter what age they are .. they're allergic to water !! LOL

    Hugs
    Sally

     
    Old 04-02-2005, 08:37 PM   #4
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Thanks Martha. I don't think he's doing this to be mean. I honestly think he has lost some or all of his sense of smell.

    I feel much better now that I went out for a while. Btw, dad did take a shower right after I posted. And he put on the clothes I laid out for him. I guess what I said about the social worker made him think he'd better shower.
    Now his bed is Fabreezed and his linens and blanket have been washed and the carpet in his room vacuumed.

    My sister has backed out of coming up to get him. There's no telling when or if he'll be going back there. He only seems to get an interest in going there when he gets mad about something like tonight.

    The teeth, ahhh the teeth...amazingly no pain for quite a while.

    Oh this should be a hoot. He just grabbed a big gumball and put it in his mouth. He has a partial!

    Oh, another thing I forgot to tell you ladies. Two nights ago, dad let the dogs out in the backyard. He's looking out the window in the door. He tells me the dogs are barking at a squirrel outside in the neighbor's yard behind us. Dad kept opening the door and closing it in curiosity, I guess. The dogs were barking like crazy and it was kind of late. So I got up and went outside and began calling the dogs back when I noticed something in the neighbor's yard behind us. It was too big to be a squirrel so I walked a little farther into the yard. Through the light on the neighbor's house, I saw the thing raise it's tail. DEFINITELY too big for a squirrel. That's when I noticed-you got it- a SKUNK! And these stupid dogs are STILL barking like crazy! So I yelled at them to come and started high tailing my butt back to the house so I wouldn't get sprayed. The dogs followed me and we all got inside safe and skunk free. But if it were daylight, all the neighbors would have had a good laugh! lol

    Oops. Hubby just came to tell me that dad didn't put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket like dad said he did and he thinks dad faked his shower. Ah crap...I guess we'll have to go through this again tomorrow......

    I don't know about a tranquilizer. I'll have to ask his doctor.

    Thank you soooooooo much Martha!!!!! You're a GEM!

    Love, Barb
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    Old 04-03-2005, 11:12 AM   #5
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Well, turns out dad DID take a shower and I feel bad now. Dad saw me put his linens in the dryer and I told him he could take his shower then. It was just after that that the confrontation began. dad told me after I came home from my couple of hours out that he didn't shower then because he thought I wasn't done with the laundry even though I told him to go shower. Why didn't he tell me that before going off on me? I wouldn't have started the washer if he was in the shower.

    You know, a few years ago, my husband and I were talking about another baby. I'm so happy we didn't pursue it. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I can only imagine what it would have been like to have a baby at 40 and then have to take care of my dad too. Plus work.

    Wish me luck. I have a job interview Tuesday morning. I'm going to try and tackle two part time jobs. I need the money. And this job pays almost double what my current job pays. The only thing is they have no health insurance. I have insurance with my current job.That's why I need to keep that one too.

    It's a beautiful day outside and dad is sleeping so I'm going to enjoy.

    Love, Barb
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    Old 04-03-2005, 12:24 PM   #6
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Good luck on the job interview! My oldest son is also having interviews ..once he was #2, but a young woman got the job. Now he's interviewing with a Korean car manufacturer in Germany, which is right up his alley since he worked for Mazda for 5 years. This would be a marketing job. I hope he will get it; he was let go last Christmas, and it came as a shock. He is 36 and supoorting one daughter ... and paying rent in the big city of Cologne, expensive!

    Still, in your case I do not know how you can work 2 jobs plus Dadcare. Any chance of getting help for him during the day? Actually your sister should help pay for it. She also ought to keep her promise about the visit. You can't be expected to do everything, all the time!

    Life takes these unexpected turns. We just have to go along with it without too much fear and protest .. otherwise we will make ourselves sick. You were probably right about not having the late baby ..I was 'OLD' when #3 came along, 38! BUT, I was a stay at home Mom, no financial problems, and loved it. Thank God, I got all my kids grown and through college as far as their Bachelor's degree before I lost all that. The price was high, however ... in personal unhappiness, abuse, and self denigration.

    Mom is OK today, we went out to lunch. She is quite smelly now. I am not going to say anything. Usually she will notice 'sometime' and wash ...I have taken to wearing more perfume than I used to ....It is warm enough to open windows a bit also ... that helps.

    My Brother and SIL think they found the right house today ..wow, that was fast. We are not telling Mom. I am afriad she will think,"what about me?" They would not leave her behind, but going to their 'known' house is somehow less traumatic than going to a 'new' house ...

    On the other hand it may be seen as OUR new hme, Bill's, Anna's and Mom's ..that might be good!

    Last edited by Martha H; 04-03-2005 at 12:27 PM. Reason: errors

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 07:33 PM   #7
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Hi Sally!

    Oh I would LOVE to hose him down!!!! I wish we still had the pool in the backyard. I'd put him in there. LOL! Just thinking of it.....

    Love, Barb
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    Old 04-11-2005, 10:16 AM   #8
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    Angry Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Hello. I'm new to this forum.
    I want you to know I completely relate to you. I have had the exact same situation. I have said those same exact words.
    I am the live-in care-giver to my 81 year old mom who was diagnosed with Dementia, and is in the middle stages.
    The shower thing........people with Dementia and Alzhiemer's have no interest in the personal hygeine. That is the first thing that goes. Trying to get my mom in to the shower is like an act of congress. I finally involved her primary physician who has been most helpful. I simply call him-leave a voicemail, and tell him what I'm up against and that I need his help. I even go so far as to tell my mom I have involved her doctor. He has told me to make him the "bad guy" in this. So I do. Since my mom is on Medicare-she qualifies to get in home health care-by professionals who are paid by Medicare. What they do is, they send someone out to the home and you sit together and do an "assessment" of the situation. They sent an RN out. She suggested a bathing assistant 2x per week. I said "yes!" "cool". I have found that my mom is receptive to ANYONE'S suggestions as long as they aren't mine. She will go along with anyone but me. We as the caregivers are the one's who get all the "bad reports" from the ones we care for. This is stated from one who knows, and from professionals I am in touch with.
    Have you found a support group yet? It's real important you get with people who are there, and can help you. We are caregivers, need to protect our sanity or we can't help the people we care for. I called my local Alzheimer's association for a lisiting of groups. I am in regular touch with a lady who heads these support groups in my area.
    I know, first hand, how hard this job is. I too, run the entire gambit of emotions: cut and run; frustration; anger; "I give up"; "don't really care"; "whatever"; "do whatever you wanna do!" to a complete void of emotions at all. You name it, I've felt it or said it. This is the hardest job I've ever done in my life. It is the most heart-wrenching thing we will ever do. I've only been doing this since 11/30/04.
    Stay tough. This shower thing is not an option to our loved one. They just "don't wannt do it". They cannot have it as a choice-they have to be lead. Also-it might be humiliating for your dad. He maybe doesns't wanna get naked in front of you. A stranger isn't as humiliating for him. His pride is at stake here, and the fact that he is loosing control over his life-is very real (and it is a fact now). That makes him angry. My mom has said she might as well kill herself. I know she won't, but she doesn't know how else to express herself. We are dealing with part child and part adult. It's hard to make the 2 come together.
    I apologize if I've gone on too long. It helps me to have a place to talk to others who are going through this too.

    Thank you-
    1stborn

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 12:04 PM   #9
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Thanks and welcome! Dad is still able to shower by himself. I think I figured out what frustrates hims so about showering. He can't figure out what to wear after he showers.

    I haven't been to a support group for alzheimers. I attend several support group meetings every week for something else. I get a lot of support and encouragement from the people there.

    Thanks again!

    Barb
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    Old 04-11-2005, 12:37 PM   #10
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    This message board is my only support group, since I can't go out of the house except to my job, and THAT is becoming dangerous!

    I love all you people and feel that without you I would have thrown in the towel some time ago. I have been with Mom for 5 years, but I think Alzheimer-like symptoms first sneaked in - so gradually we didn't understand it - 2 or 2 1/2 years ago, and got REALLY bad last May.

    The first really weird thing was, she had an appt with her podiatrist, a doctor whom she sees often for foot care. When she got home, she was all in a frazzle and looked like she had had an ordeal. What happened?

    I went to Dr L. No one was there. I knocked on the door, but it was locked. I expected to see a lot of people siittng around, but it was empty. So I figured he was not in today.

    I tried to go out the same door I came in by, BUT IT WAS LOCKED. I saw people going by on the street but they did not pay attention to me knocking and yelling.

    Finally a lady came from upstairs and opened the door with a key, and I got out. She told me I was NEXT DOOR to Dr L. I went to his place but it was too late, I have to call for a new appt.

    I went there the next day to try and reconstruct what could have happened. The house next door is a 2 story apartment house, No doctor's signs up. The podiatrist has a huge sign and an arrow pointing to his door. Mom could see well enough then to not miss the arrow. I tried the neighbor's door (the house on the other side is a store, it couldn't have been that one.) It was an unlocked vestibule, after which all tenants need a key to get in and go to their apartments. I still don't know how Mom got inside, or why she couldnt get out. People were coming out when I stood there, without needing keys.

    Now I begin to realize this was all she could recall and all that made sense to her ..the story is absolutely warped and changed and dementia-embroidered, and no way happened as she told it.

    We shrugged it off to 'eyesight failing" and went with her after that, my brother or I. but it was far more than that ; loss of judgment, loss of rationality .. maybe she was even on a different block ..

    This was an early sign. There wer many many more ..up to today when she thinks her new 50 year old aide is a teenager, doesn't know what the Depends are for, doesn't know she did not pass gas but something else ...

    It is my firm opinion that Bill and Anna would be wiser to get her into a facility, use up all her money, even use up the farm share money, and NOT put themselves through what I am going through... and worse. It gets worse, never better. However since there are 2 of them (plus the planned aide) it may work, for awhile....

    one last thing on this massive letter: I just read in a magazine that STRESS causes fat to accumulate around one's middle. Well, I am sure that is true .. I had a couple of stress free years in between leaving my husband and Mom's illness, and I lost 20 pounds of midsection flab, (now back - along with a couple of new ones_)

    Love,

    Martha

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 02:16 PM   #11
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    So THAT"S what happened to my belly!

    No, unfortunately it's my indulgence on food that caused that along with my thyroid problems.

    I would encourage all who can afford it to put their loved ones in a good facility where there is social interaction. This is so important. I wish we could have done that for my dad but the money is just not there.

    And Martha, you've been a great support to me. I didn't mean to leave you guys out. You all understand as no one else can what it's like to have to deal with this day in and day out. You, Barbara and Sally have helped me to stay sane since I started posting here. And the new people here have been great too.

    I think these boards are testimonial enough to how well things like this work for us.

    Time to rest now. I walked about 3 miles today just because my spoiled brat dog wanted to. The bonus is it's good for me too. It's a great way to get rid of frustration, that's for sure! And hopefully, I'll get rid of my big belly and butt too!

    Love, Barb
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    Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 04-11-2005 at 02:25 PM.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 03:56 PM   #12
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Stress middle tyres?

    Cool ......... I'm gonna put that on my list of excuses too !!

    I'm fat because: Broken Thyroid AND stress ........

    But seriously folks .... looking after somebody else is an absolute eye opener on our own behaviour, our own reasonings and the why we do what we do when others walk away guiltless ....

    we're a weird bunch, but supportive if nothing else.

    Hugs
    Sally

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 07:24 PM   #13
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    A weird bunch we are...but I'm having fun with it!

    It's good to be able to laugh...

    Love, Barb
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    Old 04-13-2005, 11:47 AM   #14
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    Oh, how I wish this was 1996 (for purely selfish reasons)...and my sister and I had had you guys to share with--your brilliant advice, your "tea and sympathy" compassion and your poignantly funny--often downright HILARIOUS--stories--as we cared, as best we could, for our "memory-challenged" but still ever-loving Mom. (She passed away in 1999).

    I've written a bit about our story a few times.....but just have to let every one of you how the tales of "Martha", "Barb", "Mustang Sally", "Bosmom", et al, have become such a daily part of mine--you are all so real to me. You AND your loved ones...and all the "minefields" (maybe mindfields!) you sidestep each day!! ! I feel so much of what you are going through. And, even six years after my mother's death, I still find it, somehow, so comforting just reading how you are all here together to comfort one another!

    And... PS. (This concept of "hosing down" has given me an idea for my entire apt......LOLOL!)

     
    Old 04-13-2005, 02:07 PM   #15
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    Re: Shower, PLEASE SHOWER!!!! I'm praying!!!!

    This board has been a lifesaver to me. I don't know what I would have done without the support and encouragement I find here. And it's good to be able to laugh at ourselves and the silly things that seem to happen only to those who are affected by this disease whether they're the caregiver or caregivee (is that a word???).

    Love, Barb
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