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  • Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

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    Old 12-09-2005, 07:57 AM   #1
    diane7723
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    Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Does anyone else have this problem and is there anything I can do to handle it better? I avoid my father all day long. I go downstairs in the morning and first check to see if he's down there making his coffee that takes forever. If he's in his room I go down and make my breakfast quickly and then go to what is becoming my sanctuary--my studio. I usually come out after a few hours if he's not in the kitchen. Sooner or later I usually end up bumping into him and ultimately he needs a ride to town or he's missing something. Even worse is someone has taken something of his. He seldom has anything good to say about anything.

    Every day he wants a ride to town. His truck doesn't work any more (we had it fixed so it won't) and he constantly wants to go to town. Lots of times he walks the 2 1/2 miles which is pretty good for an old man. Yesterday I took him to the bank and less than five minutes after we'd left he said he would go back tomorrow and check his account. Most of the conversation in the car involves his complaints about his life--I have to get my truck working, someone stole my guns, the weather is lousy, and I love the one that he almost always uses, "You have a memory just like you're mother." He always uses that one because I can remember when events happened and he can't.

    If Dad sees me going out the front door he asks, "Sneaking out?" He thinks that's funny I guess but I don't. Sometimes I tell him, "Why should I, it's my house?" It feels so stupid to have to go through the basement door to get to my car and freedom but I have done it many times.

    Diane

     
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    Old 12-09-2005, 09:29 AM   #2
    Martha H
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Diane, this is one of the facts we caregivers hate to admit. I lived with Mom in a small apartment. There were times when I went out without reason just to get away from the incessant question/answer ritual, the repetitous stories, or the 'I already knew that' whenever I told her something just to make conversation. From being an intelligent conversation partner Mom became an annoyance. I did go away at times to escape. Then it became dangerous to leave her alone (trying to cook an empty pot, burning bread in the toaster oven) and I was trapped. Between my job and Mom I was climbing walls. It is not a disgrace to feel that way. I loved my Mom and still do, but she is not good company any more! Not only that, you can't help making comparisons to the 'real Mom' she used to be.

    I suggest you do go out when you can and need to, and when he wants yet another ride to the bank or elsewhere, try putting him off. Let's not go right now, later I'll take you. In many cases the person forgets what he wanted.

    You are in a tough position.

    Are you thinking about an assisted living facility or a home health aide or nursing home? As the one who lived with her. I began suggesting nursing home care a year ago, while my brother and sister did not agree. Mom had to fall and break her hip before she finally got to a NH. Too bad - it might not have happened if she had been under constant supervision .. she lived withmy brother at the time and fell on the stairway at night, wandering around the house in the dark ...

    Love,

    Martha

     
    Old 12-09-2005, 03:02 PM   #3
    LuvMyLilDoggie
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Hi Diane! Your situation and your feelings about it sound OH SO FAMILIAR! Let's see. You love your dad but you're feeling frustrated. You're angry not so much at your dad, but the disease. You're feeling like you're being brought down by his negativity. You're feeling tired of constantly being "on call". You feel like you have no life anymore and your temporary "escapes" are your only link to sanity. You want your old life back. But worst of all, you're feeling guilty for feeling that way.

    DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF! Don't let guilt take hold of you. You are doing everything you can do for your dad. But you can't do it all forever. None of us can. This disease is horrible for the people suffering from it. But it is at least just as horrible for their caregivers.

    I went down the road you're traveling. I don't know if you feel like this but I used to think I resented my dad with a passion. Later, I discovered it was really the AD I resented and what it was taking away from me and from him.

    Don't feel stupid about sneaking out to avoid something that you know is going to upset you. Ask anyone here how many times they've told little white lies or came up with ingenious ways to get things done that needed to be done but the AD person did't want it done. We HAVE to be sneaky sometimes.

    So if you must go through the basement door to get to your car, do it with pride! You're not avoiding your father. Your avoiding a possible confrontation. And that's good!

    Love, Barb
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    Old 12-09-2005, 08:44 PM   #4
    WannaBeFreeToRoam
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Hi everyone,

    I agree also, with the others. Sometimes, when I go to my parents house to help them, I end up staying for 8 - 10 hours! Usually it is just 5-6 hrs. During those times, they either take a nap and I keep working on their financial things. Or... I will lie and say that I need to do a few errands and will be back in an hour or 2. Then, I do an errand and go and get a yummy coffee drink and just relax! Then, I can go back and help them some more!

    We do only what we can. We are caregivers, but we are also human!

    I just have to say, Hello Bosmom!!! :> We have missed you. I hope that your dad is doing ok and that you are over your sickness. Come back any time! :> We would love to hear from you!

    Yall take care.

    Love, Wannabe

     
    Old 12-10-2005, 01:52 PM   #5
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Hi Wannabe! I'm doing much better. I still have the cough. I lost my voice for a week. The kids on my bus started calling me "Squeaky".

    Dad is doing well as far as I can tell. I'm still going through the legal stuff. My lawyer is going to send me a letter with some reccomendations. I'm not exactly sure what he means by that. I guess I'll find out when I get it.

    I have to get ready for the concert. My husband, my son, my husband's brother and me are going to see Aerosmith and Lenny Kravitz tonight.

    It's snowing pretty heavily now so I guess we'll be leaving about 2 hours before the concert. We'll take our time and be careful. I've been wanting to see Aerosmith for YEARS so I wouldn't miss it if it snowed 10 feet!

    Love, Barb
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    Old 12-11-2005, 09:48 PM   #6
    diane7723
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Thanks to all of you who replied to my post here. It helps to get support because I feel guilty sometimes for having to avoid him and leaving him at home even though he can still take care of himself. He has no idea what a miserable person he can be to have to put up with and I know it's not his fault but this whole thing isn't my fault either.

     
    Old 12-11-2005, 09:53 PM   #7
    diane7723
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    I almost forgot to add that he's still unable to go to an assisted living facility because he brings in $1160 in Social Security and pension and Social Services says that's too much for aid (like anyone would be able to support themselves for that small amount, Alzheimer's or no Alzheimers's!) Social Services, however did say that Dad could go to a nursing home if his health worsens and he needs aid. An aide probably would be helpful because Dad doesn't take his medicine but he'd resent the implication that he needs help and he'd just get mad.

     
    Old 12-11-2005, 10:57 PM   #8
    WannaBeFreeToRoam
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Hi Diane,

    It does sound like you need some type of escape every now and then! I do not even live with my parents, just go and see them a couple times a week. I do talk to them every day tho.

    Can you see if you can get an aide for your dad. That would help you some. That will probably be the next step for my dad. If you had an aid come at least 5 times a week, in the early am and stay for 4 hours or more, that would be good for both you and your father. Just like it would be good for my dad and my mom and me!!! :> The aide could give your dad his am medicines and breakfast and possibly help with baths or grooming and dressing. Then lunch and lunch medicines.

    If my mom would just let go and do it, she would get some much out of getting someone else to help my dad, besides her and I. My sister comes and spends the night sometimes and helps them a lot, too!

    As far as your dad getting mad, that would just be the price you would have to pay. And it probably would not last for long. You could always tell him that it is either that or to a care center. Or if we could think up something sneaky or something to outwit him. Ok, ladies, help with some ideas for getting an aide to Dianes house - in spite of her dad not wanting one!!! Ideas!!!???

    Take care and try not to stress too much.

    Love, Wannabe

     
    Old 12-12-2005, 06:07 AM   #9
    cyt
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Hi Diane - My Mom draws less than that amount and she lives in a Senior Citizen Apt. complex where the government gives them a discount rate based on their income. She is able to live there pretty cheap. It's not assisted living by any means, but the 19 folks who do live there all pull together and act like a family - look out for one another. There was one AD lady who was able to live there up until recently. Also, some of those folks do qualify for aides to come in and clean and do their laundry. There is also a Senior Center there where they eat lunch for $1.50. They also deliver meals on wheels for shutins and don't charge much. Just some thoughts to kick around. Is your Dad a Vet? We had to put my Dad in a VA home towards the end - they paid for everything but $100.00 a month. all meds, everthing needed. See if you have an Area Agency on Aging there - that's who oversees the Senior Center and Apartments. Good luck and keep us posted (I know how you feel about avoiding him - I do it all the time). Blessings, Cindy

     
    Old 12-17-2005, 06:37 PM   #10
    angel_bear
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    Re: Sneaking around in my own house and avoiding Dad

    Oh yes .. the hiding .. I remember it well.

    I hid upstairs because it was my spot. If I heard wrong sounds I would investigate, but my life and my families life ended up something like Flowers in the Attic .. with 5 of us living in small cramped quarters, barricading doors and sneaking out the side ........

    It's normal
    It's OK

    More later
    Hugs
    Sally

     
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