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I am new and need some advice

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Old 11-29-2006, 09:47 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Tampa Bay, FL
Posts: 9
alopez0612 HB User
Post I am new and need some advice

I have been taking care of my mom (she has az/dementia I don't know or understand the difference) for the past six month and sometimes I feel like I could just scream. From everything I have read on these posts I believe she is in stage 5. The DR has her on Namenda and Aricept but the only thing they have done is to slow down the progression (I think) which is what he told me they would do.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my husband and he totaly understands my frustration. Sometimes i find myself snapping at her and then I feel really bad. I guess I am so frustrated beause I quit my job to stay home and take care of my mom and do not have much social activity or any outlets.
I do steal an hour or two once in a while by myself but then I feel guilty. I guess I just need sonme reassurance that I am doing the right thing.
Please HELP!!!!!!!!

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Old 11-30-2006, 02:35 AM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 101
zonk HB User
Re: I am new and need some advice

you have come to the right place
you will find that the members of this forum have "been there done that"and will provide pratical solutions for whatever your dilemna.
please be specific about your problems ...vent if need be
you can ask about anything here and you will find that someone knows the answer...whether it be meds, behavioural problems, incontinence, placement to a nursing home, finances, family issues, outside help, or any other issue
I suggest you start browsing the will give you an insight on your future.
what country are you from?
kind regards, Jo

Old 11-30-2006, 05:07 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: West Coast
Posts: 425
Sandyspen HB UserSandyspen HB User
Re: I am new and need some advice

Hello alopez,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. But very glad that you found this website. Many here will understand exactly what you're going through because they have done it also, or are doing it now.

It is very difficult to be a caregiver 24 hrs a day, especially when your loved one has AD or Demetia. All of the repetition, as well as the other symptoms, can wear you to the bone. My mom lived with me before moving to a group home. And, like you, I felt so guilty for any angry feelings that I felt, or the fatigue that weighed so heavily on me.

You'll see that there is NO GUILT here! We feel what we feel and no reason to feel guilty about it!

I think part of it stems from the fact that no matter what we do, our patient never gets better. When you focus so much attention on one person, usually, that person's health improves. That isn't the case with AD patients. Their health continues to deteriorate.

You do need to take time for yourself. It's a necessity! When you invest so much time in someone else, you need some time to re-charge your own battery. To have fun and laugh and enjoy your own life. That's a lot easier said than done, I know.

Coming here and sharing your feelings will help too. There are many here who have some great ideas on making you feel better. And, they are more than happy to help and share.

I'm so glad you found us and hope you come back often.

You're doing the best you can for your situation, and there is no guilt in taking time for yourself. You must do that! for your own health.

Old 11-30-2006, 07:30 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 119
fourt9rkim HB User
Re: I am new and need some advice

Hi Alopez,

I'm sorry you have to be here, but you have found the right place to be. I totally sympathize with you. I live with my parents, and my 85 year old mother has some form of dementia or AD. She hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I am convinced that it is one or the other.

I felt the same feelings you are feeling when I found this forum a year ago. It has given me alot of insight on what is happening to my mother. It's not easy by any stretch...but just having a place to come vent helps me tremendously.

NEVER NEVER feel guilty about taking time for yourself!!! You have to find time for yourself or else you will go nuts! I had the best time out shopping with my best friend the day after Thanksgiving last Friday...and I never once felt an ounce of guilt for it.

Please come by often and vent your frustrations...we are all in the same boat in one way or another.

Old 11-30-2006, 04:53 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 514
sunnydaze1 HB User
Re: I am new and need some advice

Don't feel guilty. I think I'm past that now. My mom still lives on her own for now, and I try to call every day. She deteriorated rapidly after routine surgery and it just exaggerated her dementia at the time. I moved in with her for almost two weeks afterwards; left my husband and boys; but went home when I knew she could be alone. She maybe has about a 6% case of dementia so she isn't that far gone...yet. Aricept did nothing except make her sick.

It's so difficult when she depends on me more than anyone else; but I'm cutting back time spent over there because I have to for my own sanity. I've put myself on the backburner and have been trying to play "catch up" with the things I need to do here at home and for myself.

I'm facing major surgery in January, so I know it will be difficult for her not to see me for several weeks until I can drive again, but I realize, and she realizes too, that this is the way it is going to be.

I do have family members (who are in somewhat denial about the whole thing, as is mom) whom should be able to help out.

You just can't burden yourself and only you with this problem. Best of luck.

Last edited by sunnydaze1; 11-30-2006 at 04:57 PM.

Old 11-30-2006, 05:24 PM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,441
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: I am new and need some advice

Yeah, I did some screaming too when dad was here with me. Believe me, I understand the frustration. There were times I thought I'd go nuts. And then there were the people who were in total denial. I got to where I wanted to ring some necks!

I honestly think I would have gone bonkers had it not been for the caring, understanding people here. I can't begin to count the times I nearly broke my keyboard with the pent up frustration and the tears that dripped on it were enough to short circuit it.

Guilt. I know it all too well. I don't feel it as much as I used too. Since my dad moved in with my sister, I've come to terms with it. I've learned that it's ok and even essential that I do whatever I need to do to take care of myself-even if it's just taking time to go get my hair done.

Do something nice for yourself, something that makes you feel good. And don't feel guilty about it. YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

And welcome to the boards!

Love, Barb
Live, Love, Laugh.

Old 12-01-2006, 07:17 PM   #7
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Tampa Bay, FL
Posts: 9
alopez0612 HB User
Smile Re: I am new and need some advice

Thank you all for the encoragement god knows I need it.
I am going to the Dr next week and I will speak to him too my mom goes to him as well so he is pretty famiular with whats going on.

Again Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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