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so sad

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Old 12-28-2006, 07:23 AM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Jess22 HB User
so sad

Yesterday they had to place mom on a suicide watch where she has to remain for three full days. She began crying when she woke up and started asking for a knife etc. saying she wanted to kill herself. The social worker called me here at work and said they had never seen her so sad and that they were very concerned about her, my sister and I went over after work last night and stayed with her until she layed down. I cant believe the torment this disease causes not only for the blessed patient but for the family also. To see your parent or the person you love just cry and cry asking to die and feeling afraid and so alone. It especially hurts you when they are constantly looking for their family most who have gone on by now. I dont know what we are going to do now, it seems to me we should probably move her back closer to home so that we can check on her everyday, yet we are so afraid of all the horror stories we have heard about "our" NH here that we are'nt sure if that is the right thing to do or not. They are so good to her where she is and even cry with her, at the same time it is becoming so difficult to get to her more than a few times a week because of the drive after work etc. Im so behind on my remodeling projects at home, I never have any energy either so it just gets harder and harder. The guilt drives me nuts as well as worrying what is best for her. She cant have a private room here because they rarely have one available and in the locked unit where they most likely will place her we know a family who's father had his arm broken by another patient so lord it's a rough decision. My DH says I should just bring her home and place her in daycare, we do have a good adult daycare program, any advice anybody??? Im so stressed out , I drove home last night barely able to see from crying. Im still on med's but Im starting to lose all energy and feel like just covering up my head for good. Meanwhile Martha Im sorry about your mom, I know you must be hurting today and my thoughts and wishes for your mom are that she finds peace which everyone deserves..... I pray that God comes swiftly and will bless you all with his strength. My mother like your's was a caring and helpful person to all those she saw in need........................... jess

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Old 12-28-2006, 08:00 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2006
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lollylegs HB User
Re: so sad

Hi Jess,

gosh my heart goes out to you.. this is so hard isn't.... to see your mum this distressed is just heart breaking and then trying to make the best decisions when we are exhausted and overwhelmed ourselves....

torment is the right word..

It sounds as though your mum is getting great care where she is at the moment but that the travel is making it very difficult for you ... is there a way that you can take a bit of a break while she is being cared for there?...If you get burned out yourself then it will be even harder...

do you need to make your decision right now or can you afford to wait a bit longer? I know I struggle with all this myself so I am not meaning to soucnd as though the solution is simple... just thinking out loud I guess.... but you sound exhausted....

warm regards and a hug


Old 12-28-2006, 10:39 AM   #3
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Re: so sad

I too thought it might be best for me to take my dad home with me when I saw him crying so much when I went to my sister's house to visit him last month. But then I quickly realized that no matter where he was, who he was with or how close he was to me, he is going to go through this. It won't matter a bit where he is or who he's with. It's not going to change anything. And if I brought him home with me, it would be severe stress on me and if I'm stressed out, he'll just be all the worse.

If you bring her home and send her out to daycare, I'm afraid the change of routine will make things worse for her.

Has a doctor checked her lately? Sometimes infections like UTI will make them worse.

Love, Barb
Live, Love, Laugh.

Old 12-28-2006, 11:15 AM   #4
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Re: so sad

Ahhhh Jess,

I know how you feel. I think your mom and mine are progressing about the same. It is so sad to watch and feel so totally helpless. I often think of bringing Mom back to live with me, but I know that would only make my health deteriorate faster than hers.

All that Barb says is correct, though. Any change in their environment is disruptive and also causes other problems, or even worse reactions.

She will progress whether you're nearer to her or not. That's been the hardest thing for me to accept as well. The "home" where mom is living often asks me to skip days or even weeks. Sometimes, just my visits disrupt her and cause binges of crying, and threats of suicide. It's almost like seeing me, reminds her of what she wants to go back to. It's so odd and painful to her and me.

I try to stay cheery and happy and never visit with a gloomy attitude, but that doesn't seem to help either.

But, as someone else said, give it a little time. There's no rush and you need time, yourself, to see if this new behavior changes. And, it might.

Take care

Old 12-28-2006, 08:25 PM   #5
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Re: so sad

I know of a lovely wonderful little lady in a facility who continously calls out for her daughter. The daughter lives over 2000km away, and is unable to make regular visits, but does at any possible opportunity it's an 18+ hour drive from where she is to where her Mum is.

But joy of joy's, Christmas came, and so did the daughter ! Only to have Mum not recognise her !! Both were traumatised, because Mum had been prompted by the carers that the daughter was visiting and was excited, and daughter was traumatised because Mum kept asking for her, and every time she said "But I'm here Mum" she would get an emphatic "NO .. your not her!"

When daughter would leave, Mum would go to carers saying her daughter had visited her.

Another little lady who is a delight, polite, sweet and friendly, every other day by night time wants a "knife please to do away with myself" (always politely !! We remember our manners!) and every other night time chants "I want to die, I want to die"

I've talked to her about what she wants, and she doesn't want to live because everything is wrong for her now. It's all too much, and too confusing and she's too old to put up with it. She just wants to die. She's not afraid, she's getting a bit cross with God, cause he's not LISTENING properly, but we say our prayers everynight and ask for forgiveness for wanting to die.

I think they KNOW that their life isn't the way they anticipated and just want the merry-go-round to STOP.

Sad? You betcha.

Old 12-28-2006, 10:25 PM   #6
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aim4relief HB User
Re: so sad

this is in regards for all you poor souls going through what i have already been through. although i was lucky enough i in the beginning didn't have to go out and work. i lived with my mom and dad when my mom started to have signs. but as time went on i did start working but still lived with my husband and son with my parents. the difference was my mom didn't for the most time know what was happening to her she lost her memory altogether right in front of us my dad and was horrible. we were lucky by way my dad had the money to keep her out of a nursing home and had home health aides come to the house. they all taught me how to care for her when certain situations would arise. and basically that is how i got in the profession i am now in i am a cna/medtech.well i took care of my mom till the end. and you want to know something it was real wierd but when the time came we were glad to see her at rest she was peaceful then no more pain for her or crying.. sometimes i wonder if god makes us go through this just so it makes it a little less harder for us to let's creepy the last hours for my mom she was holding on and on and on. until one noght befor i left her she was in the hospital then with pneumonia anyway i whispered to her "mom if you want to go, you can let go i will take care of daddy, my dad was the worse one this whole thing just tore him up anyway i told her she needs to go home and i will take care of daddy till he gets there with you.? about 4 hours later we got a call from the hospital and she had passed.the wierd thing was it was sought of a relief after all that time of all her suffering.
I know this is all so hard for all of you and my prayers are with you through and through. and i know you are all feeling guilty you have to try not to. you have to know your moms or dads would want you to live your own lives. you have to work that is the fact there is no way getting around it. I will pray for you i have been there for the most part i know how you all feel. if you want to hear something else real weird my sisters and i all said that when my mom dies my dad was not going to be far behind. my dad was on alot of meds for his heart. but was basically somewhat healthy. well it was almost as if my mom said you better get your butt up here. 6 weeks to the day to the hour. my mom dies at 9:30pm and six weeks to the day and hour at 9:30pm my dad died. So you see folks It is reall hard but again it does get easier. also something i didn't have that they have now are these support groups i think that it's great. but one thing you have to remeber you must and i emphasize you must do for yourself first take care yourself first so that you are emotionally and physically able to take care of your loved one.
well much love and my prayers are with you 'all

Old 12-29-2006, 05:02 AM   #7
Martha H
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Re: so sad

Dear Jess,

I think your Mom ought to stay where she is. You say it is a good safe place, and the other place doesn't have the best reputation.

Many visits from you will unfortunatley not change the situation at all. This is a phase she will probably get over. An anti depressant may help her.

You need to take more time for your own life, don't neglect things you planned to do, and try as hard as humanly possible to stop worrying about your mother. It is a really awful disease, but there is nothing anyone can do about it. My religious faith helps me to deal with it. I am also in therapy and I find just talking about my life with Mom helps me a lot, and the therapist understands that a nursing home is the ONLY solution - we really didn't have any other options.

I hope your next posting will give us some better news!



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