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Just trying to clear my head

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Old 03-14-2007, 01:00 PM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 66
lollylegs HB User
Just trying to clear my head

hello everyone & I am so grateful to be able to talk here!

I just am feeling a bit overwhlemed and I need to try and clear my head.
I feel stuck at the moment and any insight from you would be appreciated.

this is what is happening.

mum is in 2 weeks of respite care at the moment so I have had 3 nights of full sleep (my god it was good!)

I applied for time off work while she was in respite and was refused as it is term time and they would not replace me ( I work at a college) Also I had 5 weeks off last year and 3 sick days this year due to mum being in hospital.
I will need another day off in 3 weeks and another in 4 weeks for mum to attend speicalists appointments 3 hours away from home.

the only other respite she can have this year is 2 weeks in october, again it is in term time and i cannot take time off work, i have already asked.

my boss rang me yesterday to see how I was going and I said " I am exahuasted and if I don't take some time off soon I will be unable to continue". I was so close to crying but I just held it together. I love this job but I am only here on trial.

In the last month I have had a lump in my breast ( turned out OK) my celiacs disease has flared up due to stress, my thyroid is enlarged (another auto immunie disease linked to stress). I am supposed to have more tests but I cannot take time off work. I have no leave left. I have to travel 2 hours to have the tests.

I have my own private business part time and I am stuggling to keep up with the work. It is reaching a risky point as I am behind on paperwork which is not good legally. I am about to have file subpoened and it is way behind. I am too tired to do a good job and I see myself making mistakes.

I have started paying a supervisor to try and help me stay well, work safely and not make mistakes. I signed a lease for 12 months and I cannot get out of it, I love this work but I am exhausted.
This business was my dream, I am not in profit as I am reluctant to take on more clients due to exhaustion. I have to pay out costs for the remainder of the lease. I can make enough to cover costs. I could easily build this to a full time profitable business if I had the time and energy.

some of my accounts are still waiting to be sent out from 2 months ago. My billing for this month is not even started. i have reports that are overdue, I am having troucble concentrating and don't want to make mistakes for legal risks.

work is very stressful at the moment even if I was feeling great.

i am just tyring to prioritise. If i get sick then the whole family goes down. I am the breadwinner.

One child just moved away and started college so we have those expenses. I had to borrow money to sort out Mums mess and when she was ill so I owe an extra 20,000 that I did not owe 5 months ago.

Mum is on the list for for a permanent hostel bed but it could be years. she is not a high priority. I am worried that I will get sick or depressed in the meantime. well meaning friends say "take time for yourself" great!! it just doesn't happen. Mum goes to day care while I work and I get home exahuasted and fall asleep on the lounge.

my mums sister rang and abused me again last night. It was just the final straw. I am trying to sort out what I need to do next. I have GOT to get rest. but if I do get any time off I will not be paid and mum will have to come with me.

where do i begin?
I just can't think properly at the moment. I have no support from family just my wonderful husband.

all advice is welcome. I just seem to be trying to keep my head above water and can never get to catch up on the backlog. I am even too tired to be upset.


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Old 03-14-2007, 02:15 PM   #2
Martha H
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Re: Just trying to clear my head

Lolly, why is your mother such low priority? AD patients are among the hardest to care for at home. Try to contact whatever agency is responsible for this sort of thing where you live. There must be a place in some kind of facility, from assisted living to nursing home, somewhere.

You have classical caregiver burnout. You will undoubtedly get sick yourself. This is not a 'go and take time for you' posting, because I know how it is - how can you without help?

That sister who is abusing you - next time she calls TELL her, don't ask her, that Mom is coming to live with her for a little while. Then get her over there and leave. Your sister will soon recognise the truth of Mom's condition if she sees her every day. Other family members have to take their turns also. If they are totally incapacitated, they have to supply the funds to have a home worker come in and take care of your Mom, also when you are at home! You need time for yourself.

You could also ask an Elderlawyer for advice. They have ways to get a person into a NH before the last spot on the waiting list.

Ask your husband and siblings to help you much more. If you get seriously ill, you won't be able to help Mom either. Good luck. You're in my prayers!



Last edited by Martha H; 03-15-2007 at 01:55 PM.

Old 03-15-2007, 12:52 PM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 66
lollylegs HB User
Re: Just trying to clear my head

thankyou martha for your reply,
Yesterday it got worse, which in a way is a good thing as it has forced me to act. Mums sister rang again abusively & threatening,, somehow she has found out where mum is staying at respite.

We had not told anyone as she & other family members are very abusive and not to have any contact with mum. mum shakes and cries for days after they talk with her so i have stopped them from having contact.

After my initial panic I took a deep breath (always a good strategy!) and phoned the respite centre to warn them. they were wonderful and assured me that they will not allow anyone to visit or talk to mum that I haven't approved. Then I phoned a lawyer to make an appointment for today. I just cant take the family harrassment any more so I am going to see what can be done about it legally.

i checked about the waiting list, it is just a long list with many people much worse than mum. I just have to wait my turn and it will probably be a long one, years rather than months. I understand that as many people are in a much worse state than she is. I may be eligible for some home help as a working carer so I am getting some information on that.

I again spoke with my boss and told her that if I do not take some time off I will not be able to continue. I am not going to get sick. She seemed more supportive, I just told her honestly that my family problems are affecting my work and I don't want to make mistakes. I think they will give me the time off now.

I have decided to drastically but back on my private business for a few months. I will take only enough clients to cover costs and forgo the profit for health.

I have to say that another nights full sleep was just a joy! a priceless one!

I know I have to make changes and fast. I am just going to bite the bullet and do it. Legal action and reduce my workload. It will be very difficutl financially but it will be even more difficult if I don't do it and get sick.

I feel a bit better today now I have made some decisions.

thanks or listening


Old 03-15-2007, 06:56 PM   #4
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cyt HB User
Re: Just trying to clear my head

Lolly - my heart goes out to you! You mentioned you have one in college - have you tapped into all the scholarships out there? Our daughter is in her lst year and is getting money on top of scholarships (this is money from the state, as she did stay in state) and it is based on income. Since we aren't rich, she does get enough to get by on with spending money (it does come in so handy, as we are not out a penny). I wish you well and hope it will all come together for you. You're right, and so is everyone else. Your health will suffer if you don't scale back. Good luck, and keep us posted when time allows. I'm glad to hear you are getting a good night's sleep! God Bless, C

Old 03-16-2007, 09:12 AM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 66
lollylegs HB User
Re: Just trying to clear my head

thankyou cyt,

I hadn't thought of that for my son, after reading you post i did some research and it appears that he may qualify for some assistance. I have requested the paperwork and hopefully that will help with some of the expenses. I feel like I need other people to think for me at the moment so thanks for suggesting that.

martha I saw the lawyer yesterday, he is such a lovely compassionate man! he has been helping mum ever since my brothers stole her home from her and I trust him completely. We had a really good talk about a lot of things and I know where I stand legally now and what actions to take. It was really helpful and has put my mind at ease a lot.

I also have to put in place arrangements for mums care in case I die before she does. He is drawing up papers for us to sign. He feels that the family probably believes that mum has money somewhere or that she has given me money and that that is why they are harrassing me. there is nothing I can do to hurry a placement other than legally relinquish her care in which case it would revert to my brothers. I would never do that to mum. they are cruel and abusive to her and she is afraid of them.

Somehow they have found out she is in respite and have tried to contact her there. respite has become a nightmare for me, it has caused me more stress and harrassment than before. apart from the good sleep and the fact mum is happy there I wish I had not sent her. we live in a small town and staff there have not respected my wishes and someone has spoken about mum to my brothers.
I am angry about it but they are so kind and caring to mum that I don;t want to cause a scene. i spoke to the head nurse and she was wonderful. this last few week has been one of the worst since this all started. If i had known this would happen I would not have put her in.

I spoke to my family as you suggested martha, I basically told them I am headed for a mental / physical breakdown if I don't make changes fast. my hubby has been great and has cancelled his plans for the weekend to stay home and help me catch up on the business billing.

I phoned HR at work yesterday and the lady there was so helpful. I explained my situation and said I don't know how but I HAVE to have 2 weeks off please help me work out how. She phoned me back half and hour later and I am getting 2 weeks off on half pay. I almost cried with relief!

Then I went through my business clients and worked out who needs to see who while I take a break. I didn't return any calls or go to any meetings yesterday at work... I felt like I would just fall apart if I did so I hung out my busy sign and just spent the day sorting out all this stuff.

i would go mad if I couldn't 'talk' about this somewhere where people 'get it'.
sending good thoughts to you all


Old 03-17-2007, 03:19 AM   #6
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 66
lollylegs HB User
Re: Just trying to clear my head

well I didin't think it could get worse but it has..

after assuring me yesterday that they would screen calls and visitors I found out today that one of my brothers went to see mum, telling her that they have been trying to contact her / me but I am not answering calls!! what load of b/s!

so basically they cannot protect her there... and it is because of staff there that people found out. I wish I never sent her to respite. It has been hell for me.

I am now really worried the mums sister will turn up. i am going to bring mum home for the day tommorrow & take her back at bedtime. I will be worried sick all day if I don't.

when i get back from my day away I will bring her home from respite early.

on a positive note i spent the day catching up my business paperwork and made great progress so I am getting through it.


Old 03-17-2007, 05:38 PM   #7
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alabama
Posts: 18
magnolia3 HB User
Re: Just trying to clear my head

Way to get things going. Sounds like you at least have some time to "clear your head" and get a game plan going.

I know it is really hard on you with your job and your business. Sounds like you do have support from your husband and son. We have had my mom with us for over two years now. I don't work outside the home anymore but I still need breaks. I have a lady who comes 2-3 days a week and gives me a break. She is good with mom and takes her to the park and to get her hair done. You will have to get some home help for your mom.

Where do you live? Seems like a long time to wait for a bed in a nursing home. I am sorry for that. Your might check into daycare for her while you work.

This is so hard but somehow we manage to keep going.

Good luck.


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