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First time out of AL house

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Old 08-28-2008, 06:07 AM   #1
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First time out of AL house

I took mom to her dentist appt. As I thought she wanted to go to her "old" house. I told her I didnt have the keys with so we couldnt get in. That worked. She did get mad at me becasue I didnt bring her dog with, I told her it wasnt fair to the dog to sit in a car all day. I would bring her up another day when we didnt have anything else to do. We could just sit around and visit and play with the dog.
We also went to her favorite resturant, when we got there she started yelling and telling people that I kidnapped her and she is going to sue me. I didnt have the right to do what I did. I tryed to tell her that it wasnt me that said she has a problem it was the doctors that said shes not safe and needs help now. And that Im only trying to do what is bests for her.
She tryed to leave the resturant, I quickly caught up to her and gentley lead her back to where we were sitting, she wouldnt eat anything at that point. I felt like crap. Everyone was staring at us. Acouple of times in the car between places she was threatening to jump out of my car. Telling me that she was going to kill herself.
When we got back to the "home" I found that she has most of her cloths packed in a bag ready to leave. We had another confrontation there. She would throw the bag at me and tell me to take her with. I finaly had to sneek away.
I was so drained by the time I got home. I fell asleep and didnt wake up till this mornig.

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Old 08-28-2008, 06:43 AM   #2
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Re: First time out of AL house

Well God bless your heart. What a terrible day for you and your Mom. I can't imagine what kind of stress you must be feeling. I don't know what kind of meds your Mom is on but she needs something to help her with these delusions. I don't think I would be taking her anywhere in the car. I guess you have to take her to the Dr. and dentist but no way could I handle Mom doing anything like that in the car.
I truly don't know what to say. Maybe someone here has some ideas on how to help you.
I'm headed to Moms today and she isn't doing very well. God help us.
Thinking of you, and hoping you have a better day today.
Love, Chris

Old 08-28-2008, 09:08 AM   #3
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Re: First time out of AL house

When my mother was living in the nursing home, none of us was ever asked to take her anywhere. If she needed a doctor, the staff doctor took care of her; if she needed a specialist, the NH took her in their own wheelchair accessible vehicle. Same goes for dental care.

I wonder if your Mom needs to be in a NH which takes full and total care of her. Assisted Living kind of assumes that the person can get along with just a little assistance. It looks like your Mom cannot get along at all. Please don't take her to a restaurant any more. Imagine if anyone had believed that you were kidnapping her and called the police! Worse than embarrassing!

Good luck with planning for her future -- I know it is hard.



Old 08-28-2008, 09:26 AM   #4
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Re: First time out of AL house

Craft, you did as well as you could under the circumstances. I have been where you are with your Mom. You do have to remember that the things your Mom is saying is not based in your reality but in the delusions of a scrambled brain. You also need to remember that what others see is not important to you.

Once they are adjusted to a surrounding, taking them out of that surrounding is confusing to them. A visit to the dentist and lunch out is a huge change from your Mom's daily routine. She was probably responding more to the "change" than to any preconceived ideas that we might have about why she acted that way. They are in the moment. Her bags are packed because she has not lost the sense that her surroundings are new in the care facility. That will come in time. I try to remember how I feel when thrown into a strange situation that is frightening. There is an anxiety response. That is where she is. She is not responding directly at you but at whoever she feels will listen to her anxiety.

It might be a good idea to ask the doctor for a PRN antianxiety medication that you can give her before it is necessary to go out of the facility or at time when she is anxious in the facility. Then try to limit the times she goes out, at least for a while.

Just know you did all that you could under the circumstances. You managed the situation and got her to and from where she needed to go safely. It will get better in time.

Love, deb

Old 08-28-2008, 02:01 PM   #5
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Re: First time out of AL house

Oh dear.. I am so sorry you had to experience that.

It is a common thing I am finding out. My mother's best friend, also suffering from this dreadful disease, has actually called the police on her daughter twice. It's painful for all.

I hope you don't have to take her to outside appointments anymore and like it was suggested, hopefully doctors can come in to care for her in the future. I took my mom to the dentist yesterday too. As I waited for her I wondered what we would do when we couldn't take her out anymore. You are there.

I hope you had a more restful/peaceful day today.
Sit back, sip a cool drink and imagine yourself sitting on your towel on a beach in Tahiti. On second thought, picture all of us together there on our towels on that beach!!

Love, Meg

Old 08-28-2008, 02:43 PM   #6
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Re: First time out of AL house

Hey Craft .... what a horrible experience for you.

I 2nd the motion of getting some anti anxiety med's for Mum, but also, you need to approach the facility and request a nurse escort for her next adventure outside the safe confines of her new home.

It is much, much too early for YOU to take MUM out of the environment she is still getting used to, and its made even harder when your trying to reason with a disease that cannot be reasoned with. Yes, you felt you needed to explain yourself to your mother, but the disease doesn't understand, and so it was the disease that was fighting you so hard.

It's an evil disease. Truly evil. It turns our loved ones into something we never in our wildest dreams expected they could ever become. It is a cunning disease, and never underestimate it. You got a calm moment? It's only a matter of time before that behaviour is replaced with a melt down. The disease cannot keep up it's pretences for any length of time and so you join the roller coaster ride of Planet Alzheimers.

My heart is with you, and hopefully lessons have been learned.
  • You are paying good $ for placement. Utilise that and make them take Mum to appointments or get them to arrange an escort (be it a nurse or a volunteer).
  • Don't try and reason with the disease, because reasoning gives choices and your loved one is no longer able to make any kind of decisions, least of all, for their well-being

... your loved one hasn't forgotten you ... the DISEASE doesn't remember you

Old 08-28-2008, 03:14 PM   #7
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Re: First time out of AL house

Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
You also need to remember that what others see is not important to you.
Oh....this is SO true! I found early-on that MY attitude and actions seemed to "set the pace" as to how others veiwed me with my Mom. I remember taking her out to eat and getting up to hold her sandwich because she had no idea how to approach it...what I saw in the eyes of neighboring tables was actually compassion to my situation. Alzheimer's...and dementia has (unfortunately) become such a common challenge that I believe most people will not judge.....they're probably rejoicing they're not in our shoes!

Several times during the first couple years I had to take her to several Dr. appts....I drove the hour down to pick her up...(One time I even had to go early to help get her ready for the 7:00a.m. appt. my SIL made one time....had to get up at 4:00 for that one!) Three brothers lived less than 20 minutes from her, but most appts. had me as the "taker."

One time, when leaving the parking lot after a visit that one brother also attended, Mom saw me drink from a bottle of water and reached over like she was also thirsty. After taking a long drink, she just looked at me with big eyes, not seeming to realize she had to SWALLOW the water! I was glad the brother was behind me to see me jump out and run around to open the door so she could spit some out! (None of my brothers seemed to believe how far along Mom was.)

Your post brought tears from past memories, Craftlady........this has been such a long journey........................Pam

Old 08-28-2008, 04:23 PM   #8
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Re: First time out of AL house

I'm with Meg... after my last few days I want anything that involves a towel, a palm tree, and a drink with a little umbrella in it.

We are lucky that most medical treatments can be handled in the facility. They have a wellness center with a nurse there at all times. Blood work and X-rays can be done in house. There is a doctor in the facility several days a week that makes room calls. They also have a podiatrist that comes regularly and in house physical therapy. Yet in July we had 6 trips to the dentist between my two parents (two broken tooth extractions). The facility will take them if we request but with two sister's close by they just double team and do it for now. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it is total chaos. Dad goes with the flow better than Mom. The anticipation is a problem because you never know until you get into the trip how it will go. Then you just do what have to do to make it work. There is no right or wrong. There is just getting it done

Pedal... I do hope you let everybody know that NO appointments should be made before lunch. I have been amazed how well offices will work with you if you ask. All of Mom and Dad's appointment are now made after lunch because they get up late, eat lunch, and then they are ready for something different. When they were at home they were all made Monday morning mid morning or friday late afternoon to accomodate one of us arriving for the weekend. We have learned after much rescheduling to pick our appointment time.

Love, deb

Old 08-29-2008, 04:38 AM   #9
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Re: First time out of AL house

I agree with gemini, if possible pay the facility personnel to take her to the dentist. Most in my area provide thia service. (I also agree with all who recommend the beach and the drink) I know it's hard when your loved one acts crazy in public. Probably most people can tell what you're dealing with, and if there are those who judge you harshly, that reflects poorly on them, not you. I have a nine year old who may run screaming out the door if he sees a fan in a store. I'm sure some assume I'm just a bad parent. I've learned not to let it bother me, as I know who I am. You're a good lady doing her best to do a tough job, don't forget that.
With love,

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