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feel so angry

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Old 01-20-2009, 02:00 AM   #1
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feel so angry

Hello to everyone reading this,my mum is in the early onset of alzheimers she is only 60 and this is heart breaking for me and my family.WHY WHY WHY i ask myself a million times a day she is the one with the illness so WHY do i feel SOOOOO angry depressed anyone

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Old 01-20-2009, 03:11 AM   #2
Martha H
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Re: feel so angry

Dear Faye,

It would be very strange if you did NOT feel angry and depressed. Alzheimer is a horrible disease as you know, and it its terrifying to see a loved one go through it.

But there is good news on the horizon - research is being done, and a drug is being tested that might reverse the symptoms, not just slow it down. Since your Mom is in the early stages, she may be able to benefit when this drug comes out, maybe 4 years from now.

I hope you have close friends and siblings to share both your sorrow and anger with, and to share the work as you get things done for your mother. One of you needs to have Power of Attorney over both her medical and her financial affairs, as she will lose the ability to make smart decisions. Can you tell what stage she is now in? A time comes when the person cannot be left alone. I went through all of this, starting roughly 9 years ago, and my Mom passed away a year ago. It is a hard path, but we have to take the road we get. The other people here who write and answer and share are a wonderul blessing.

Learning as much as you can about the disease is the best first step, you should not have any false expectations such as thnking you can explain things to your Mom and she will change .. that can't happen. You must not feel insulted if she says something mean or hurtful, because she can't help it. If she were in her right mind she would never do it. It is the disease, not her.

The good news is that there is life after Alzheimer Care - yes it eats up your whole life for a while, but eventually nursing homes are found, care is shifted to professionals, and you get your life back ... I recommend such care sooner rather than later.

Welcome to this Board, I hope we can be helpful and supportive of you as you start your journey ...



Old 01-20-2009, 05:58 AM   #3
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Re: feel so angry

Hello Faye and Welcome, I'm so sorry about your Mom. Sorry you are here but this is a wonderful place to be when you are hurting. You'll find support and understanding right here. Sixty is a heart break. Totally not fair. So many things in life are just not fair. I was so angry when Mom was diagnosed. She was around 75.

Anger and depression because of this disease are normal feelings. You are losing someone you love in the worst way possible. My Moms decline has been slow. Maybe your Moms will be also. At 60 she has time for new meds, as Martha says. There is room for you to hope.

Follow Marthas advice please. Learn all you can about what is going to happen to Mom and your family. Read, Read Read anything you can. Reach out for support. It will make this journey so much easier if you don't make it alone.

Again Welcome,
Love Chris

Old 01-20-2009, 12:05 PM   #4
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Re: feel so angry

Hi Faye,

I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's diagnosis. I do understand what you are feeling.

My mom developed early Alzheimers at 53 yrs of age and it has been a struggle with my family (brothers/father) ever since. She is now 68 yrs but is in the final stages now.

It is such a terribly sad disease for everyone involved.

I made my honest heartfelt 'good-byes' to her when she was around 58 years...when she still knew everything pretty well and was still a little piece of 'her'. I'm glad I did because I can't say my 'good-byes' now...she doesn't know anything, anymore.

It's terribly scary for all the members of the family as well, because everyone seemed to point fingers at everyone else for 'giving her Alzhiemers'...can you believe that one? My Aunts took her from my dad (her husband of over 25 years) and got her divorced from him (and he lost their family home to the divorce) got really crazy after that...its all settled down now after so many years...but everyone's emotions run hard in trying to prevent the disease from taking their loved ones away. My brothers wanted me to stop visiting her in the nursing home because she still recognized me and they felt that I upset her too sad is that??? Every time I went to visit her, they got a report from one of the nurses there. My kids and I would play guitar, flute and sing to her. She loved brother would get a call in the middle of the night asking to sedate her...Everyone wants to place blame for everything, it seems....

I'm very hopeful for you and your mom that the new drug breakthroughs will help your situation. I know for my mom, its over for her...too late.

Another sidenote: On these early years Alzheimers cases like my mom's (under 60)...each of her kids (me and brothers) have a 50/50 chance of getting it too, around the same age.

So, live life, play hard and enjoy every day that comes in the best way you can.

Make memories with her, that will last your lifetime and share that with everyone.

Take care of yourself and whatever you feel, do not be made to feel guilty for her having this disease, by anyone else.

I hope my words don't alarm you, as that is not the intent...but I do understand the anger you are are being cheated out on your mother, your kids are being cheated out on their grandmother...and you know your mom is going to be leaving you....slowly, over time....its not, its not. I believe it is the saddest death to be facing....the stealing of ones mind and character.

Tears in my eyes are for all of us, Faye...


Old 01-20-2009, 07:04 PM   #5
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Re: feel so angry

Hi Faye,
I think we all understand how you feel here. However, I did notice that you hadn't mention frustrated along with angry and depressed. That too will come to pass.
At least you have a diagnosis and the people here are very comforting. Plus, they are very direct. That is probably the best part. We need that push, or in some cases, shove!
Its going to be tough. I do have to say that treasure the good times that you can still enjoy.
Lizzie G

"Life is Beautiful" Sixx:AM

Old 01-20-2009, 09:38 PM   #6
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Re: feel so angry

Hi Faye,

My Dad is 75 now and had early AZ. They just called it memory issues and put him on Aricpet which helped for a while.

I feel your pain. You know if I look back and wanted to give you advice I would say spend as much time as you can together, take lots of pictures that capture your relationships with her. I love photography but my favorite pictures are the ones of my Mom and Dad that were taken after I asked them to pose and they relaxed. The relationships and candids are the ones I love. We placed my Dad in a NH today. I plan to print these relationship pictures and place in his room. Though he doesn't know us most times and probably won't look at them. I want them to be a comfort to us that those relationships did exist and to remind his new caregivers that he was very important to us. Maybe make his room homey to us and hopefully to him. Take care.

Old 01-21-2009, 08:35 PM   #7
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Re: feel so angry

Faye and Tina, welcome to the board. I think we all ask why. I am truly sorry that both of you are having to deal with this horrible disease. Both my Mom and my Dad have dementia. I have stopped asking why....

Listen to Martha's adivice. Learn all you can and keep typing here. We have all been where you are or will be there soon enough. There is much love, support and caring here. It seems to get me through the bad days and hopefully will be of help to you as well...

Love, deb

Old 01-21-2009, 11:12 PM   #8
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Re: feel so angry

Faye, My mother too has Alzheimer's. Since she was 52, she is now 66 in last stages.

Tina, I feel for you and your family too. It's a horrible disease. Sad thing is that my mom's sister is experiencing the same thing in her mid 50's. I think other family members had it but were never diagnosed because they were poor.

My family and I (especially my Dear Sister who is primary caretaker and younger brother) have seen my mom slip away. She's been gone a long time and I miss her so much. I look at her and feel like crying; but just in case there is a slight chance that she's still in there, in that shell, just sitting there...inside trying to reach out..we put on a happy face.

I want to ask her to forgive me for any wrong I may have caused, if I ever hurt her feelings or made her cry as she was raising me (I was a handful) but I can't. I don't go over to visit as much as I should..I feel guilt, anger, confusion....loss. I just pray that she's not in pain.

My heart goes out to all who have to go through this aweful disease and to the ones left behind.

God Bless.

Old 01-22-2009, 06:50 AM   #9
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Re: feel so angry

Faye...Tina...and the others who have recently found this forum...I'm so glad to see you post!

Part of our own "healing" is simply writing down frustrations, concerns, asking questions...and hoping that by sharing our own experiences, others can be helped just a little!

Most first-time posters have been hanging around and reading a while...and have learned just how this horrific disease absolutley takes over our lives..and how we are all powerless in its' progress.

How awful to be reading about those being diagnosed so early in their lives! When my own Mom was first diagnosed 10 years ago, I found out Alzheimer's was first diagnosed in a 52 year old lady in the early 1900's!! This disease has become much too common now...and there HAS to be environmental/food causes not explored. We were also told there are more than 60 different types of dementia; Alzheimer's is only one......

Both inlaws have also recently passed from this disease...each of these 3 loved ones were somewhat different in how the disease progressed thru them...but the outcome is always the same.

For both inlaws, the death cert. said..."Alzheimer's; failure to thrive". Both simply quit eating/drinking...not being able to remember how to chew or swallow. My Mom, (who has been at the Alzheimer's facility longer than any other client there....) occasionally still slowly tries to pick up one piece of rice or pea at a time and gets it to her mouth....I cherish those caretakers who make sure each person who still can is fed.

Whether this is a short journey...or a long one...the family suffers too. So many things we all need to be aware of, so I sure hope old threads are looked at....there's just so much valuable info here from families involved that makes us all realize we're not in this rocky path by ourselves.

Keep posting...ask questions, share what's happening, and don't worry about venting frustrations! Many of us have been where you're at...and understand completely. These pages are a Godsend to us all......Pam

Old 01-23-2009, 01:45 AM   #10
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faye009 HB User
Re: feel so angry

Hi thanks for the post what is the care and services like in the us (i am in the uk) do you no anything about az being passed down i have read a little that people with early onset az have a higher risk of passin it on to there children. Thanks faye.

Old 01-23-2009, 01:58 AM   #11
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Re: feel so angry

hi thanks for the post i have read alot of them and they are very hard for me to read but i do need to no what the future holds for my mum.i feel so guilty as i no alot of the care for my mum will be down to me,especially in the later stages but i think ALOT its not fair i have my own family husband two children aged 8,13 and they need me too.My mum is my own family too as your own children get a little older you do look to havin more time to youself just you and you spouse,i feel as though some body has come and taken it all away.But there is no one to blame does any body feel like this or is it just me? thanks for reading faye

Old 01-23-2009, 07:09 AM   #12
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Re: feel so angry

I am starting to realise how my life is changing along with my mom.
I sure am mad to, but it won't get me anywhere. I learn so much here and know I am not by myself and that helps some.

Old 01-23-2009, 09:50 AM   #13
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Re: feel so angry

there is nothing to say but some smart advice. I knew from an early age, I couldn't take care of my mother. There was just too much history between the two of and while I respected her as my mother, the feeling of responsibility for her just wasn't going to be.

I stood by my husband's side in his illness and his life was short-lived from the onset in June, of 2005 he was gone by April 2005.

YOU do not have to actually take your mother in. You need to ensure that there's a quality place for her and that she gets set in it comfortably. As you write, you have a husband and kids and want to be able to do things for them and with them AND YOU SHOULD.

While this came on your mother, she has lived a good life and had a life. She was able to live her life and you need to know -- without guilt -- that you have God's right to live yours.

The Bible tells us to honour thy mother and father but honoring them can be many different meanings. All your responsibility will be is to do the paperwork to get her into a facility that will meet her needs now and as the future takes more toll on her.

I am walking the final walk of death with my mother and I watched the life drain out of my sister who chose to be Mother's full-time caregiver. It is not something I wish on you. If you were alone its one thing, but for your kids to see what will change in you -- as I assure you it will -- it will not be pleasant for them nor healthy for them.

Just wanted you to know my opinion for what it is worth.

I have no guilt over my mother's situation and I don't want my sister to have any either but I know she has it now and will in the future and there's nothing anyone can do about that

Take Care

Old 01-24-2009, 08:27 AM   #14
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Re: feel so angry

Welcome to the sandwich generation Faye. When you think you have your kids to a point where you can get a breather you end up caring for your elderly parents. It's enough to make you angry but as Bonnie said it doesn't get you anything. I find that guilt, anger, resentment, etc is just a waste of good energy that can be used to find solutions or do something for yourself. Rule one, no guilt. It is what it is and you do the best you know to do. That is all you can ask of yourself. Rule two, take care of yourself first. If you are not healthy mentally and physically you can not help those that do need you. Rule three, you don't have to do it all yourself. There are great alternatives, including facilities, that can help you. You are not super woman. Accepting help, giving the job to others, or asking for assistance is in no way failure. Actually it is the intellegent thing to do.

So, yes, I hae felt the way you are.... then figured out that I had to get over it and make something happen. That is why Mom (ALZ) and Dad (Vascular Dementia) are in a nice Assisted Living. Is it where they would chose to be...NO!!! Is it where they need to be... YES!! That is the the best it can be

Love, deb

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