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Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

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Old 01-26-2009, 08:01 PM   #1
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Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

We got to the NH but were back in the hospital four days later. We have pure blood coming through a catheter, coumadin is way to high INR of 7.68, and a urinitary tract infection. Our small town hospital asks that we stay with Dad. I know that the blood is so thin that if he were to fall and cut himself he'd most likely bleed out. I have been staying with him at night and working of the day. I am sleeping at night. Just staying there. He is sleeping for the most part. More interrupted sleep than in my own home but I am sleeping and alert enough to work. My family keeps asking if we really have to do this. He is much calmer when we are there. I can get good responses and cooperation out of him. However, I can't do this for more than 3 or 4 days because of other responsibilities. I don't think the rest of the family is willing/able to help out. This has been the case at both hospitals. Is this norm to stay with dementia patients. I know he has a clue I am there. He smiles and is calmer and cooperative when we are there. Am I the caring daughter who is correct to be cautious or the overboard daughter who is guilting the rest of the family?

Last edited by GrownUPdadsGirl; 01-26-2009 at 08:03 PM.

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Old 01-27-2009, 03:55 AM   #2
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

No way. This is not the norm. Hospitals have the responsibility to take conplete care of every patient admitted ... day and night!

I understand that they encourage families to stay all day and into the night, because that relieves them of their burden, being understaffed. But it is not recognized procedure and is wrong.

I would have a talk with the head of the hospital. Did nurses tell you this, or was it administrators? Was it a doctor? If someone is in great danger of falling, they have ways to prevent that from happening.

There is also an ethics board one can complain to. It is unconscionable to have families taking over the work of hospital employees, (for free, of course) while they shirk their responsibilities.

My son-in-law is a nurse and I know all abut the overtime, the rush, the never getting done with your paperwork, being understaffed and running above budgets. But that is their probem, not yours.

I suggest you discuss this with anyone at the hospital who will listen. You are not required to go to work half asleep because of a hectic night in a noisy hospital. Is the hospital going to pay for your care if you have an accident on your way to work? Are they going to feed your family and do your housework while you do a 12 hour shift for them?

Sorry if I sound outraged. Just don't let yourself be 'guilted' into doing the impossible!



Old 01-27-2009, 05:54 AM   #3
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

Dear Grownup, I completely agree with Martha. My Mom has been in the hospital so many times I have lost count. I use to spend every night with her. Not any more !! I would get sick after one of Moms long stays. They would last 10 days to two weeks usually. One time after surgery it was 28 days. That stay was terrible. Mom was very sick.

Let me tell you how I found out it was the hospitals responsibility! During one very long night last year I was spending the night at the hospital with Mom. She was "sundowning" worse than I had ever experienced. I left her room to run to the nurses station for a cup of coffee and I saw two nurses sitting at the doorway of two different rooms. Mom was snoring for a minute so I went into the hallway and ask what they were doing. They said they were sitting with the patients but it was too hot in the rooms to stay in there. The elderly patients wanted their rooms about 80 or so. OK I thought. But I had seen these CNA's working the previous day on the floor. I ask them if I could hire a sitter for Mom. Because I was so exhausted. They told me it was FREE!!!!! I thought I was going to faint. "You mean to tell me after all of these years of hiring private sitters and making myself sick staying here at night the hospital will pay for a sitter. "YES" the only thing that is required is the Dr. requests a sitter for the patient !!!!! So needless to say I spend days at the hospital. Not one night. I ask everyone why I was not told about this service and I got some of the most absurd answers you've ever heard. Now maybe this service was not available before................Yeah right!

I don't know your age but you can't keep this kind of schedule up. You shouldn't have to do this alone. Do what Martha says. Make noise. I sure wish I would have.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing. I sure feel bad for you because I know what your going through.

Love Chris

Old 01-27-2009, 06:26 AM   #4
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

We just found out that with Mother's irrevocable trust apparently lawyer is right, she doesn't own anything -- a trust does and there's nothing in the trust to say that we have to use it for her care. My sister and I, according to the lawyer was doing it for our own moral reasons, not that we had to by law.

It clearly states that if she was incapacitated or incompetent, the trust should be divided 100% between the trustees and that is my Sister and I.

So from what I found out, they can yell and scream all they want that we have to pay but they are truly only able to collect what they can from Mom's insurance companies - Medicare and a secondary that she has and her ssi.
After that, there's nothing. Now this Hospice could potentially refuse to take her but we were told they don't refuse anyone, so we'll have to see if they do refuse her. Apparently these types of places use a lot of idle threats because they realize they are dealing with people who are in brain fog from the stress of the moment and not thinking clearly.

We're not being hard or selfish -- my Sister has taken care of Mom so well no matter those bad times we all may have had but it still comes down to the fact that she needs to start getting her life back and if that means Mom in a facility for however long it takes for the end to come, then so be it.

We're going to have to get back-bones and not let them bully us in our times of this crisis.

I'm writing this for everyone. This doesn't just pertain to me and the cost of hospice or NH -- the 'need a back-bone' is for everyone to apply in their lives with their relatives, friends, extended family, who-ever. We don't deserve to be kicked around during these difficult times.

Old 01-27-2009, 06:38 AM   #5
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

Excellent Diane.... you found out just what I suspected. Yes, they can look at the paperwork but what they will find out is just what you have stated. I am sure they would love to find a loop hole but oh well. They can look all they want to. I am glad you were able to protect the house etc so that you and your sister will have that to fall back on after all the years of caring for you mom. I am glad that is off your plate and hopefully the word from the doctor will be just as good

Love, deb

Old 01-27-2009, 06:15 PM   #6
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

Okay, so when I am ready to push the issue I am justified. Now there's my emotional side. I know I have little time left with Dad. He has been so good to me. He is barely hanging on to recognition now. I know I have to take care of myself first; but then I am going to do what I can. I guess I realize I just have to make a personal decision of whether the best resources are myself or pushing the hospital staff. I guess it's a little harder for me because I am a softie where my family is concerned and I have children who are in the medical field. I don't mean to ignore good advice. I honestly appreciate it. I guess it's kind of like my opinion on road rage. You can fight back or really watch out for yourself and your passengers and let that battle go. I feel like a naive newbie and I do appreciate the advice. I will keep it filed away for future use. It's just hard I know he is truly afraid of most people and approaches and procedures. I just want to help him if I can at all. I realize I have to let others in the family make their own decisions as well and I have to take care of myself first.

Last edited by GrownUPdadsGirl; 01-27-2009 at 06:16 PM.

Old 01-27-2009, 07:01 PM   #7
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

My mom has been in the hospital numerous times. No one in our family myself or my Dad has ever thought to spend the night. I think we always made sure especially Dad that he was there during the day for her. I would always go in after work. So between dad being there day time and myself at night she was pretty much covered with some one being there. At night time we always came home to sleep to make sure we got a good nights sleep. Hospital admissions can be hard on family members too. I know my mom has had a one on one sitter come in a couple of times when she was very confused. I do remember one night on one of mom's admissions it was her second night in and she was really having a difficult night very anxious kept wanting to get up. The nurse did ask if I would stay with her al ittle longer when she saw that I was getting ready to leave. I stayed till about 10:00 after they gave her Morphine to quiet her down. I would request a one on one sitter for your dad I know they have that available for patients. It is so important that you get a good nights sleep in your bed..

Love Pauline

Old 01-28-2009, 01:44 PM   #8
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Re: Do you stay with your ad loved one for hospital stays

I know they do one on one. However, my fear is that combative/one on one scenarios will result in recommendations for facilities that deal with type of behavior that are far from our home. This must be a regional issue. I think it is mostly because he is very combative. I have a friend who has been down the very same road with a combative AD parent. They were asked to stay and did. We know of another individual who is 4 hours away from their family. I have not stayed at the NH but have at the hospital. Everyone I have talked to in this area has heard of this practice with combative AD patients. My fear is that if we don't help and there is an incident he will be sent hours away from us. The facilities in this rural area do not keep combative AD patients. Facilities for this are 1 to 4 hours away and even in other states. I would have an extremely hard time having him that far away. I do appreciate your hearts and thoughts. We went back to NH today. I am hoping meds will continue to kick in on the combative deal. Of course, as this advances, it won't be as much of an issue. I will sleep in my bed tonight. Thank you all.

Last edited by GrownUPdadsGirl; 01-28-2009 at 01:47 PM.

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