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Going to see Mom and Dad

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Old 03-17-2009, 10:34 PM   #1
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Going to see Mom and Dad

I am leaving in the morning to go see Mom and Dad myself. I did have a long conversation on the phone with Sister 3 tonight. It was good to hear some current information. Mom has been in melt down mode for almost 2 weeks now. The doctor has been in to see her several times. She is on a new med to calm her down. The doctor said that she should be a zombie but instead she continues to disolve into tears, tear up and down the hall, and is generally miserable causing one disturbance after another. The doctor truly wants to get Mom past this stage in her disease. Dad has settled down and if we can get Mom under control then they can stay. She is very concerned about the trauma of moving them and especially Mom's inability to adjust.

I did find out that sister 3 had also checked out a new facility because the possibility of them having to move is still alive and well. Sister 3 also know what I have found. We both decided that if they move, they need to move into a locked unit. No more AL. They are putting refundable ernest money down on a new facility that is opening the end of April. If Mom and Dad have to move sooner than that, they will definitely end up here.

I will know more after I arrive there tomorrow. I am staying with Sister 3. I still have not talked to Sister 4.

Friday I am meeting Sister 2 (and possibly sister 3) at Mom and Dad's house to spend the weekend cleaning out closets and making an inventory or what is there. I am still being questioned by sister 3, and sister 4 by proxy, about how to make the division financially equal. I told them I didn't know if there was a way. Sister 4 says she doesn't want anything else. Sister 3 only wants the best of what is there. Sister 2 is addicted to tupperware. I will end up with sewing stuff that I really don't need. A third of Mom and Dad's possessions are in AL with them. This is not the final disposition of the estate and there is no money to make up the difference. So how do you make it equal. I will bring the porcelain dolls, patters, and material home and work on dressing them. Then I will give them back to the grand daughters, great grand children, and the sisters. Mom has probably 20 undressed dolls in the closet. Are the dolls part of my part? What value do you put on items. I'm not paying for an appraiser to come in for what is left unless they are willing to pay for it. Most of the "good" stuff is with Mom and Dad. Beyond that, much has already been taken and I am sure nobody, except maybe sister 4, knows where all if it is and what should be counted. Sisters 2, 3, and I agreed to put names on items and then barter giving consideration to what the grand daughters wanted. Sister 4 opted out. In the end, there was not even a consensus about giving the quilts to the grand daughters when there are 6 quilts and 6 grandaughters. Three are no brainers and the other three are almost just alike. I wish we could come to just one decision without it being a crisis or a drama !!!SIGH!!!

Then I am going to spend a few days with my Daughter. I am going to need it!!!

I will be back next next week but will probably check in from time to time I can't go that long without all of you.

Love, deb

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Old 03-18-2009, 07:29 AM   #2
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Re: Going to see Mom and Dad

Hope it all goes well for you. There is no way to put a financial value on things like that. Most of my Mom's things wound up being given away, but each of her 3 children chose what they really wanted as a keepsake.

She lived in an apartment so there wasn't much.

Hope all 4 sisters get along well this time .....



Old 03-18-2009, 07:58 AM   #3
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Re: Going to see Mom and Dad

Dearest D-

It sounds like you have your ducks in a row. Of course no matter what you do it won't be right for #4, but seeing that she has chosen to opt out, she has forfetted her right of choice and refusal. Now she has to accept what the other three of you decide...and that will be wrong as far as she is concerned, but that is her choice. You have chosen well Number #1! Go and get the job done so the house can be sold and lived in again. Houses don't like to be empty and sad. And they tend to find ways to get in trouble when you leave them empty........

I'm troubled by the report of your mother. She has really taken a long slide down the hill hasn't she? She seems to be spirally down at breakneck speeds. She is so upset and angry. It's too bad she couldn't have been a happy AZ. patient. The anger takes so much out of her by the end of the day that it must only help the progression of the disease. I feel so sad for her. But you are right that she and dad need a locked unit, not AL. She needs locked care where someone else will be responsible for their well being. You might find that this might help in the long run. IT will take a burden off of their shoulders and that might aid in their care.

Go and do your deeds and keep your sense of humor in tact and enjoy time with your daughter...take serval towels they are great for cleaning.... and for protection...hang in there........

Old 03-18-2009, 03:30 PM   #4
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Re: Going to see Mom and Dad

Dear Deb....
I hope everything goes okay with your visit and that Sister 4 behaves herself...I hope the new med for Mom is helpful, and that if necessary, this move will go as smoothly as possible for her.
I think it's wonderful you have such a great relationship with your daughter, that your time with her obviously gives you such comfort during these difficult times. I wish my mom felt that way. Your daughter is blessed to have you!

Come back safely, we will miss you.
Love, Caroline xo

Old 03-18-2009, 06:08 PM   #5
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Re: Going to see Mom and Dad


Please do check in as I don't think we can go that long without you!! I do hope things get sorted out as far as the items in the home you really want to move out from under all of that and be done with it.

I hope all goes well with sisters, mostly enjoy your visit with Mom and Dad. Of course you will enjoy time with your daughter what a great way to end your visit.

Love Pauline

Last edited by polina; 03-18-2009 at 06:08 PM.

Old 03-20-2009, 06:02 AM   #6
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Re: Going to see Mom and Dad

Dear deb,

I'm so sorry that your Mom is not doing well. My Mom isn't either. But she has none of the anger that your Mom displays. I wish you a good weekend my friend. With sister #4 being her same strange self be sure you have on your sweet smile and never let her know that she is getting to you. You have your towels of course so use them and remember we are all with you. Rest some and don't work too hard.

I know that a move is probably going to happen at some point and I hate that for all of you. Moms move seems to have pushed her over the edge so to speak. I cannot believe how fragile her mind is now. I would have never believed that an apartment change could do this to her. Its been a month now and she is somewhat calm but still believes that she has been moved completely to another ALF. She is so confused and therfore more childlike. I'm still getting tons of calls a day asking the same questions and it wears on your nerves so bad. When I'm there the questions are asked and answered over and over. So sad. We left for 4 days and opened up the lake house. I came back to spend the day today with Mom and take care of her needs. We're headed back tonight for 3 more days. That way I can call Mom but she has no idea about a cell phone to call me 20 times a day. I can calm her 3 times a day instead of 20. You'll be proud of me also because I don't feel GUILTY. Its called survival!!!!

Your Dad seems to be better and thats wonderful. I hope you can get your Moms meds to help her also. The poor lady sounds so full of anxiety and anger. I understand how that must break your heart for both of them. I hope they can stay put for awhile longer if thats what you feel is best. As you said her inability to adjust is not going to make a move easy but you have to do what you have to do..........and you'll make the right decision'll know when enough is enough.

Take care of yourself and have a peaceful time with your daughter. I'll be thinking of you friend.

Love, Chris

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