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advice needed!!

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Old 03-29-2009, 11:59 AM   #1
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advice needed!!

hi guys, it's been awhile since I have been on, this last year has been pretty good for my mom, who has Alz.... but recently she has slid down that slippery slope... she is now accusing my daughter of stealing her sliverware.. SO NOT TRUE... I found her stuff where she had hidden it but she goes on and on about our daughter taking it... Both my mom and dad have had a rotten cold and although my dad is over it my mom is over it also but seems to have declined in the memory part....My dad is showing signs that he is getting tired of the constant battle to answer the same questions over and over and finally said that maybe it was time to have her assesed once more. My dad who is so strong has me a little worried that he admitted this.. I am not sure where to go from here... is it time for a care home... my mom will hate this with all her being and I am not sure how my dad will coup. this is getting hard...I am not sure how to have the assesment done as she will turn angry if she suspects what we are up her times of clearrety she is so much still my mom, but when she has her hackles up she is someone I don't reconize.. Iam not sure my dad knows quit where this is leading and I can see that he is worried about what is going to happen..... so any thoughts how to go about this would be great, any body in BC canada who has gone through this???? I really hate what this is doing not only to my mom to all of us.... I know this is probably a disjointed post but I am trying to get my thoughts and worries out far as the stealing accusation my daughter is devisatated.. I explained to her about that it was the disease not her grandmother as she knew her, as my daughter and I are the closest to my mom it is only natural that we are the ones she turns to in all things, even accusing us of doing things that are not true.. does that make sense???

I just reread this post and I see that there are going to be some big changes in the not so distant future... please keep me in your thoughts that we can make the right choices and still be a family after it is all done with...

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Old 03-29-2009, 01:16 PM   #2
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Re: advice needed!!

When the caregiver thinks it is time for a caregiving home, it is time. It depends more on your Dad than on anyone else. There are wonderful nursing homes out there. I don't know how it works in Canada, but if there is a waiting list it may be time to get her on it ... good luck. It is a hard decision, but maybe the right move for her own safety and your peace of mind.



Old 03-29-2009, 01:40 PM   #3
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Re: advice needed!!

thanks for your reply, I guess I just needed to have someone confirm my own thoughts..

Old 03-29-2009, 02:31 PM   #4
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Re: advice needed!!

Actually everything you said made perfect sense to me jags I have been there. You may remember that Mom insisted on keeping Dad at home much longer than she should have. It was only when Mom was diagnosed with ALZ that other arrangements had to be made and they are now both in AL. For years Mom told us that Dad would never adjust to a facility. Reality is, Dad has adjusted rather well, it is Mom that has not adjusted. But despite her rants she is where she needs to be.

Martha is right, the time to move your Mom is when Dad is ready. If he is having doubts about his ability to handle the situation, then he is ready. He may not even know it but those doubts are there for a reason, he's wearing down. Yep, I tried to keep Mom and Dad at home. That is what they wanted and what I thought was right. I was frustrated, exhausted, and over my head when I finally realized that I had to do something different.

Yes, it is difficult. I think it would be more difficult if we had to separate Mom and Dad. As hard as it is having two with dementia at least they were able to go together. I have second guessed my decision. My heart wishes they were still at home. My heart wishes that it was possible for them to still be at home without this horrible disease. But wishes are not reality and when my head gets into the argument I know Mom and Dad are exactly where they need to be.

Yes, it is difficult to be accused of misdeeds by the ones we love when we know we are innocent. Yes, those we love tend to streak out at the ones that are closest. The ones they know will not abandon them. In Mom's mind her stuff is gone. You and your daughter are the ones she remembers being there. So if you add 1 and 1.... she comes up with 10. We know it is irrational but it still stings. Just keep reassuring your daughter that it is the faulty thinking in her grandmother's head that is the problem. She doesn't know any better. If she knew better she would do better It is left to us in the real world to understand.

I am not in Canada and don't know how it works there. Check with a local care facility, hospital, social services... anybody in the business can lead you in the right direction. You could also contact your Canadian Alzheimer's Association for guidance. There is somebody out there that can help you. Now that Dad is being to doubt his abilities, it is time to start the process. It's not done until the day of the move but it's better to have everything lined up before hand Good luck and I will keep you all in my throughts and prayers. Come back often to update and vent!! It does ehlp....

Love, deb

Old 03-29-2009, 04:48 PM   #5
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Re: advice needed!!

thank you can't possibly know how much I needed your words of encouragement/support/understanding..or perhaps you do ...

Old 03-29-2009, 05:40 PM   #6
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Thumbs down Re: advice needed!!

Oh Boy..I have been where you are right now.

My mother went through a real mean stage and she blamed me for stealing form her and wouldn't talk to me for over a year and a half. It was heartbreaking! I can't tell you how much I cried..and my poor step father was in over his head. He did everything she told him to do. She had him change the locks on their house so I couldn't get in and steal more...sheesh.

But before that happened when we were still okay I knew something was wrong with her so I went to her doctor by myself and explained what I thought was happening. He waited for her to come in on her own and then checked her and tested her and found her to have Alzs. He prescribed the first of the drugs and off we went. SHe did great til her sister died and it kicked her disease into overdrive and the meanness began. We begged my step dad to be more pro active in her care but he did nothing but take her to her regular doctor appointments. We even asked him to move with her to an independent living facility so he could get help in her care and he would be better cared for too. But he wouldn't budge. Eventually, a year and half ago, he died and we took over her care. SHe is doing amazingly well now....she still has Alz. of course but at least I have my mom back...for now. I know it can change at anytime..I hold my breath.

We did move her to a wonderful care facility. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. It was difficult for her...especially the loss of her driving priveleges. The first 6 months were the worst but now she is well behaved and social again. She still thinks people are stealing her things but we have her controlled enough that we don't allow her to accuse is almost as though we have a child to care for. SHe knows what she can get away with though. One of her past times is searching under her bed for lost items...she has no idea what the heck she is searching for but search she does. It's exhausting..for her and us!

She is slipping now and I worry about what is to come but we take it day to day.
Today we had her out to lunch at the beach and she had a great time..we called her to check on her as we do everynight after her dinner and where was she? Under her bed searching for things. She's 85! and under her bed.

And as for being sick...when she is sick she is really bad (behavior wise) so we watch her like a hawk..first sign of anything and she is at the doctor to have it taken care of!!

Please tell your daughter that I know how she is hurting since I experienced it too, but for us it did pass. Hopefully this stage will change for you too. ...if you saw my mom and me now you would never know it is the same two people from two years ago.

I wish you luck.. we all know how heartbreaking this is so stick with us. Together we muddle through.

Love, Meg

Old 03-29-2009, 06:15 PM   #7
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Re: advice needed!!

I'm so sorry what you're going through. I've been there. I was the sole caregiver for my grandmother. She would hide things and accuse me of taking them. Two months ago she broke her hip and had to go to a nursing home, where she is doing very well.

Deep down I knew that something had to change but I was scared to make that decision. Fate made it for me when she broke her hip.
"Nursing Home" has such negative associations, but there are some wonderful facilities out there; my grandmother is in one. She eats three nutritious meals a day, is bathed and dressed in clean clothes every day and takes part in bingo, singing, and other activities, none of which she did at home. I couldn't even get her to change clothes here.
The aids there even do my grandmother's nails and curl her hair.

Many times we think we are doing our loved ones a favor by keeping them at home, but after a certain point we really aren't. It can't be easy for your dad to live with someone with dementia. It was hard for me, and I'm young and healthy. I didn't realize how stressful it was until after she entered the home.

If a facility is the direction you choose to go, at least now you have the luxury of being able to do some research and look around for a good place. If something bad happened and she had to go to a facility quickly you won't have the time to do a good search (not sure how the process works in Canada).

My advice if you decide to put your mom in a facility is don't tell her what the place is. Tell her she needs to go to the hospital for a short time. My grandmother has been there for two months and I still tell her that she's in the hospital every day when she asks me where she is.
In a strange way, sometimes the memory loss makes the transition easier in these situations.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.


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