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Old 04-30-2009, 04:00 AM   #1
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I am new

Good morning. I have been reading and finding much support on this site for many months now.

My mother has dimentia. She was diagnosed in the fall of last year and refused to have any assistance in her home, or accept the diagnosis. I know this is common. The problem with our situation is, I am the only remaining caregiver to my mom. My younger brother passed away 5 years ago. My father 4 years ago and then my older brother 3 years ago. That leaves me. I live in the same city as my mom, with my wonderful husband of 26 years and my two sons, 18 and 23. All who are very supportive.
I received fabulous support from our family doctor, who is my mom's as well. We were supported through CCAC as well.

I have placed mom in a supportive care retirement facility. I know this is the best thing for her now. But, it was very difficult. She is in the upper middle stage of her dimentia. She loves the nursing staff, her new friends, and has even joined many activities. Mom had alienated all her friends, myself and refused to become involved in any activities while living in her own home. I now know that this new home, as she calls it is a true blessing for her and our relationship. Although she does still insist on telling me that she hates it there, wants to go home and is constantly upset with me. All which the nurses confirm daily that is untrue in their view.

I just want to thank each of you for letting me read your stories. I know from the readings that my experiences are the normal. I try not to "beat" myself up and accept the way things just are. The one thing that I do have much difficulty with is the lack of feeling, empathy and love I receive from my only parent and family member alive. That truly makes me sad.

Thanks for your help.

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Old 04-30-2009, 04:48 AM   #2
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Re: I am new

Hello Keaner and Welcome,

I'm glad this site was able to help you and in turn help your Mom. I am so sorry that your Mom is unable to show love or concern for you that must be a tough one to deal with. My Mom still shows love and for that I'm truly thankful.

Now that your on the boards come back often and share your experiences with us. It helps so much to share and talk to those of us who understand what your going through. You have lost alot of family, my goodness, I'm so sorry.

Again Welcome to a wonderful place.
Love, Chris

Old 04-30-2009, 11:05 AM   #3
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Re: I am new

Welcome Keaner,

It's too bad that when our loved ones get the dreaded diagnosis, that there isn't a teflon coat for our heart that is issued at the same time, isn't it? They can be so verbally cruel to us and with such a sharp quick tongue! My mother was the queen of guilt. My boys said that she taught Jewish women how to guilt...and they may have been on to something there! Between the guilt and the nag she had it down to a fine science..... But there is nothing to cauterize the wound that she left bleeding after her assaults. And the fact that she didn't remember me, her only daughter made it only worse. She never ever forgot Daddy-not even after he died. Guess that you don't wipe out 64 years of marriage.

Keaner, you have done the right thing for your Mom, Give yourself some time to adjust-and also your Mom. You cannot expect to watch her 24/7. She is now somewhere that has staff that will give her the care that is paid to deal with the abuse and won't take it personal. That and they only deal with it for 8 hours, then they go home and don't come back until the next day. You shouldn't feel guilty nor should you expect to do this by yourself.

One of the cardinal rules of this board is that there is not guilt allowed here! So please don't beat yourself up over only get big black and blue marks that are really hard to explain! LOL......welcome to the group...

Old 04-30-2009, 12:59 PM   #4
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Re: I am new

Hi Keaner,
Welcome to the board. Please accept my gift of a bale of towels. Use them as you wish to metaphorically dry tears, or hold onto to connect to us. So sad to read that you have lost quite a large % of your immediate family! I don't get on with 2/3rds of mine. I love them as siblings, but i don't like them as people. Glad that you have a lovely husband and supportive children.
Come back often. Even just to vent.
sandra xoxoxo

Old 04-30-2009, 01:05 PM   #5
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Re: I am new

I am glad you have found help and support here. There is nothing like hearing the experiences of others who have been or are in the same boat. My message to you is that there is life and happiness once the dementia person has gone on to a better world. You somehow get through it until then.

The hardest part in my experience was when I was living with Mom, she was deteriorating, I saw it, and the general public did not see it or even found it cute or funny.

I have long stopped laughing at Alzheimer jokes. They may be funny to someone who has never experienced it. Such as 'you only need one book because you forget that you read it'. Ho ho. My mother could not read a book at all - she could not concentrate enough and it didn't make sense. Her favorite soap opera didn't make any sense. She kept saying 'who are all these people?' She had been a fan for decades, and no longer knew them. Then she no longer knew me. Then she thought she was a child and wanted her mother.

Her death in December 2007 was a relief to all; she was 99 years old and very frail, wheelchair bound, unable to know or understand or remember much of anything (except once in a while a light seemed to come on) .. and her 'home going' was a relief. I often hope I am not destined to outlive my useful mind as she did.



Old 04-30-2009, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: I am new

i know how difficult it is. its been 6 months since my mom went into a nursing home. i still have my father and 1 brother. my father is 82 and aging rapidly. my brother visits mom once a week. mom had dementia. i have to watch out for my dad and i watch out for my mom. its hard, but thank goodness for the nh. keep posting.

Old 04-30-2009, 07:42 PM   #7
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Re: I am new

I am pleased that you finally decided to post Keaner. I am also pleased that you found support here. Everybody needs to know that they are not alone in their experiences and feelings. I am glad your Mom has found a new home. It is good that she has adjusted, even if she tells you how horrible the place and you are. I wish there was a remedy for the lack of caring and the cruel things our loved ones can say. Even if we know in our brains that it is the disease, our heart hurt none the less. I have a picture of Mom smiling and happy and a letter that she wrote me many years ago. They are in my wallet. I take them out often when I need a little uplifting. They remind me of who she was and what she thought of me. I know it is still in her despite the fact that she can rarely show it now. On rare occassions when she is in a really good mood she will repeat "I love you" after I have said it first. I will take that!! Dad... he still gives me a hug and a kiss when I arrive and leave and he tells me each time I leave to be careful.

I see you already have your supply of towels but know I have more if they are needed. There is an endless supply of love and support to go with them.

Know you have done what is right for your Mom. Let her adjust and find her routine and relationships with the staff. If she can connect to her surroundings and the personnel she will do fine. When she is fine.... you will be also because you just want what is best for her. You have done the hard part by making the decision to find her a place where she is properly cared for. So no need to feel guilty because you gave her the best you could.

Welcome to the board. Thank you for coming out of the shadows because it is nice to meet you! I do hope to hear from you often now that you are out in the open

love, deb

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