It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Am I causing my mom stress

Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-09-2011, 08:10 AM   #1
jagsmu's Avatar
Join Date: May 2008
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 387
jagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB Userjagsmu HB User
Am I causing my mom stress

I am starting to wonder if I am causing my mom stress. My daily visits with my mom at the hospital usually consist of being there before dinner around 3.30 and then staying until aroun 7.00 ish,this has been my hours since she broke her hip oct13/2011. omg almost 2 months now. A couple of times after i leave my mom has had what is best discribed as a tantrum.yelling about going home, scream and crying. I always leave when she is distracted by something and always tell her that i will return after such and such, but like i said it is getting harder and harder. The nurse mentioned something about my mom getting to reliant on me being there???? I have got in the habit of waiting in the waiting room out of site for around 1/2 hour before i leave to make sure she is okay. yesterday they called me in, I got there around 10ish, takes me about 30 minutes at the fastest, 45 when the light are not in my favor , my mom was not letting them get her cleaned up for the day, clean clothes, change her depends ect. she was just not having anything to do with them, took me about 5 minutes after i got there to accomplish this. i am feeling that the nurses are taking advantage of me in this aspect and that this was truely their job and they should have figured it out, i don not mind being called in any time of day or night if my mother is stressing out and they really need to calm her or something like that, but because she would not let them help her without causing a scene, i am just not sure....
so on one hand they think my mom is too reliant on me, making me feel awlful, and on the other they want me to do their job.... okay where is the happy medium here?????

Last edited by jagsmu; 12-09-2011 at 08:20 AM.

Sponsors Lightbulb
Old 12-09-2011, 02:05 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,249
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Am I causing my mom stress

One of the many questions with no definitive answer!! You are trying to put rational logical cause and effect on a situation that is irrational. Mom's melt downs after you leave may or may not have anything to do with your visit. I would suspect it is caused by sundowning and not by something you are doing. That is the time of day when they are the most confused. Your visits may be delaying the melt down and actually making it better (or at least shorter). You may very well be her security. But she may be distressed because you are gone. It's not dependence as much as just knowing you are no there.

As for the care givers calling you in the morning... is this a facility that is trained in dementia care?... or just regular hospital staff? If they pop in on Mom, she's not ready to cooperate, and they push her, she is going to rebel. If they continue once she is upset it is only going to get worse. They say Mom is being feisty when in fact that don't have a clue how to deal with her and it is their problem not Mom's. She's reacted appropriately related to her dementia.

They should go in up beat, not in a hurry, talk to her, let her know what they are going to do, and try to involve her in her care based on her abilities. If she refuses, back off and try again later or with another care giver. Never demand or become hostile with them. If they get in a fight with dementia... they will lose! ... or you will end up there Mom's caregivers know not to wake Mom up. As soon as she gets up, they give her medication. Then they give her about 20 minutes to adjust to being awake and the meds to take effect. Then Mom's favorite care giver goes in and coxes her through her morning routine. Works every time. But if they shake her and wake her and start ripping off her clothes she will fight them. Wouldn't you if somebody you didn't know came in and started undressing you? They can not explain to Mom what is happening because she can not process what they are saying like a mentally alert patient. Untrained staff doesn't understand this difference.

So you probably need to look a little deeper to figure out what is going on Don't blame it on your visits or Mom's temperament until you know the before and after and what happens if it is different.

What you can't do is take a guilt trip. Guilt is reserved for a time when you deserve blame. There is no way you deserve the blame for Mom's acting out, her temperament, the inability of staff, or because she has a brain disease. You are doing the best you can in a bad situation. That is all anybody can ask of you so leave the guilt trip for those who need it

Love, deb

The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
jagsmu (12-12-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
jagsmu (12-12-2011)
Old 12-09-2011, 03:14 PM   #3
debbie g
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: highland park, il 60035
Posts: 2,484
debbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB User
Re: Am I causing my mom stress

i agree. i do not think its you causing stress because there is no rhyme or reason to this disease. the nurses need to do their job. i always visited my mom and it was torture to leave. but some of the aid came to my rescue and got her interested in something so i could leave. i never got any phone calls from the nursing home. check everything out and cherish being with her when you can.

The following user gives a hug of support to debbie g:
jagsmu (12-12-2011)
Old 12-12-2011, 10:39 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
ninamarc's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,701
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Am I causing my mom stress

It depends on the situation. Although most of the time, it is the home or hospital's responsibility to make sure the patient is content and stable, sometimes I feel the family may be one factor. Not that I think you did wrong or anything. I think given your Mom's hip situation, you need to be there. The only thing is you may want to behave a little different so the nurses can help her without you. Otherwise you are not wrong.

In my experience, we do at times cause my FIL some anxiety. First of all, we are not there all the time. He is used to the caregivers and nurses there. We are not used to help him to move, for example. So he thinks we endangered him when transferring him from the chair to the wheelchair. he has pride, so when I did lots of actions to help him eat his lunch by turning the dish or moving the fork or spoon, in the end, he got ****** off and put his fork down with noise to show his anger (he cannot express well anymiore.) So we leave him alone when he eats his pureed food with spoon and ignore it if he makes a little mess.
If I mentioned he cannot walk in front of him, he got upset.
So what we do is to observe what the professionals do there and respect their steps and we don't impose on him our way without consulting the directors.

Otherwise my FIL likes our company but I feel bored since we don't talk anymore. So I played with their puzzle in the activity room and etc.

Certainly you need to be there to make sure the nurses do the job, but you also need to give them space to allow her to get used to the nurses when you are not there.

Some well-known nursing homes do tell the family to stay away for weeks in the beginning so the person can get used to the new people.

A hospital is different but I guess the caregiving part may be the same. However if the nurse is not doing her job, then it is also the nurse's problem.


Last edited by ninamarc; 12-12-2011 at 11:00 AM.

Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Alzheimers, stress, anxiety or other willy856 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 10 11-16-2010 09:18 AM
Does stress, even "good" stress, accelerate this process? jojo1109 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 16 11-28-2009 10:56 PM
Stress or dementia? dorri Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 10 02-10-2009 11:49 PM
okay the stress is going to kill me caringsister54 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 15 01-30-2009 04:01 AM
Siblings causing crap? TexasCookie Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 16 09-02-2008 06:10 PM
Dementia causing health anxiety/depression? canadianmom Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 2 10-31-2006 05:43 AM
dad and the caregivers stress,stress stress ntrldy Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 1 09-12-2006 08:12 AM
professional caregiver stress JER11271 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 3 01-12-2003 11:26 PM

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:31 PM.

Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
© 1998-2018 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!