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2rose17 08-14-2012 02:35 PM

Moved Mom in 2 months ago
My mom has moderate Dementia and could no longer stay in her home along so my husband and I are in the process of getting her stuff here to our house. She has been here approx. 2 months.
It is quite of an adjustment. Her and my husband share a bathroom. They both have a drawer with their names labeled on them. She rumages thru his stuff, uses his towel etc. We've tried to hide anything which she could get ahold of that would hurt her.
I thought bringing her over here would help her by her not being alone all the time but she seems to be getting worse just in the time she's been here.
I know there's no instant answers. I am just looking for an outlet where I can vent and share about the Dementia Drama.

Thanks for any input!

ninamarc 08-14-2012 02:46 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Usually the person with dementia needs her own space. Since she is confused, the labels won't work. A confused person simply does not understand the boundary. So your husband's stuff needs to be shared with you, not Mom. There is the space issue if everyone lives together. But Mom needs a personal caregiver. If she doesn't, she needs to have her own space so she is not confused by other stuff.
Sorry I am not sure why you don't share with your husband's stuff in the bathroom. For sure, it is bad idea to share for Mom. Usually in a NH when they share the room, it is the caregivers who know what to do in the bathroom - the caregiver needs to help the residents to know what is their stuff to use.

Give her sometime to adjust as well. Maybe another month. The thing is, please don't confuse her with your husband's stuff.
She will one day have trouble knowing her own family members.


Gabriel 08-14-2012 04:46 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
2rose, welcome to the world of dementia :) The fact that she seems worse at your house than hers has an easy answer. In her place she was familiar with where things were in her long term memory. That was what she depended on to do that things she could do. At your place it is all new, strange, and different. Her short term memory loss prevents her from "remembering" where things are and what she should be doing. You can tell her until you are blue in the face and she will probably not remember. That is the nature of the disease. She has also lost the idea of ownership. It's a towel and she needs one so she uses it. There is a drawer of interesting shiny things so she investigates it. She is not intentionally being invasive... she just doesn't comprehend or remember that items have ownership.

No there are no easy answers and you always have to be flexible and aware of changes. This is a great place for venting and sharing. Hope to hear from you often and know you are always welcome here :)

Love, deb

ninamarc 08-15-2012 02:18 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
It is great that you have Mom with you so you guys can help her. Do remember that dementia is still here to stay. She will be confused. It is not you. Do try to put away your own stuff so she would not touch the stuff. Accept that her disease is about confusion and no boundary. Later on she may wonder who your husband is. It is the way her brain works now. It is a bit like a young child with the body and knowledge as an adult. Maybe you can exchange with hubby and share your stuff with Mom instead.
It is not because of the move. It is the disease. So you would need to figure out her need and confusion and then deal with it.

Take care,

debbie g 08-15-2012 03:05 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
sorry you are going through this. this is a wonderful place to vent. is a nursing home in consideration? this disease only gets worse. we had to put my mom in a locked down facility in the nursing home. it was so hard and we knew we did not have a choice. keep venting hugs to you

all4mom 08-15-2012 03:13 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
I, for one, applaud you for taking your mother in and letting her live with you. However, compromised, she's still your mother, and I think it's wonderful when family "steps up."

Hope that doesn't offend anyone, but wanted to give you an ATTABOY.

It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it! From one who's doing the same.

2rose17 08-22-2012 08:48 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Thank you guys for all your helpful hints. I am new to this, dealing with my mom on a daily basis and your comments surely will help.

I am getting blue in the face, repeating, over and over the same thing, thinking she will learn who's towel is who's and where the Costo step stool goes back to after she does her Sit and Be Fit exercises. What I get from the comments is she won't learn and I must be flexible. [U][I]A tall order[/I][/U]. HA But somehow, I have to learn patience and understand the disease. Hopefully through this site, I can do that.

At this point, a nursing home isn't needed. When we bought this house in 2008, we bought it with her in mind to be in one of the bedrooms eventually. With my step dad dying, it's just come sooner than we expected. She does have Long Term Care Insurance and on down the road when it's absolutely necessary, I will use that.

Thank ya'll for all your suggestions :)


Gabriel 08-22-2012 10:50 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Sharlynn, you will figure out what she is capable of doiong and what you just have to look past. She repeats herself because she doesn't remember what you just told her. Yes it can be annoying. There was a time when I didn't want to answer that same question for the 200th time. In perspective, now I wish my Mom would just say anything I could understand. I got a little tickled a few days ago. I was out with a friend and his mother who has Alzheimer's. She ask "Now, where are we?" about 50 times during lunch. I could insert the answer to the question in the middle of a statement and not break the conversation. I have become so accustom to answering these repetitious statements that it doesn't phase me now. It's such a small thing to do for someone that has NO idea where they are. When you realize they are asking the question because they need to understand where they are and what is going on... not to annoy... it makes it a bit easier.

She is not going to "learn". Beyond that it is very difficult for her to follow instructions. When you say "Put up the stool!" she first has to figure out what the stool is. Then she has to decide what you want her to do with it. Then she has to decide where you want it to go. Afterwards she has to figure out how to get it there. On and on this cognitive process goes. We see it as a simple request but to them it is a monumental thought process that they are not capable of accomplishing. Before they get through the thought process they have forgotten the request and wonder why they are walking across the kitchen. I have found it helpful to try to put myself in Mom's mind set. What if I didn't understand what people were asking of me, didn't know where I was, didn't have a clue how I got there, and didn't know what to do next... how would I feel?

Keeping Mom at home is a challenge but not impossible. I would encourage you to get back up help. Find somebody that can stay with her one day a week, a few evenings, or a weekend now and then. You might want to check in adult day care a few days a week. This will keep her engaged with others and give you time to do something besides be with her. Just don't try to do it all, all the time, by yourself. Everybody needs a break once in a while :) When the time comes don't hesitate to use that LTD insurance. Kudos to your Mom for making that available. You will know when the time is right for you :)

Until then hang with us. We are all on this path together!

Love, deb

all4mom 08-23-2012 11:24 AM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
I believe long-term care insurance also covers IN-HOME care; definitely take advantage of that, if you can, to prevent burnout on your part. You will learn, in time, that most of the annoying behaviors are the result of disease and not intentional; it's just a matter of remember that ourselves! Care at home is no longer the cultural norm, sadly (IMO), but it's certainly doable and not the impossibility some would have us think. Hang in there!

all4mom 08-23-2012 11:27 AM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Sorry for the repost; deleting!

2rose17 08-23-2012 08:21 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Thank you, Nina, Deb, Gabriel and all4mom for your experience, strength and hope. I was hoping to meet some people who'd been there, and done that. Deb, I am so sorry your mom no longer speaks. My grandmother was that way after her stroke. I will try and remember that, the next time I start to yell at my mom.
And yes, all4mom, I knew her having LTC insurance would help emensely at some point and have made sure it gets paid for every year.
Nina, the reason my husband and mom are having difficulty over the bathroom is that they share one. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms due to his working nights. He has put his things away but she continues to rummage through both drawers. When she first came, if she saw a vitamin bowl with pills (vitamins & other) she'd take them, no matter who's they were. We had to put up all the medicines, vitamins etc. and we don't leave our bowls out anymore. I give her her pills/vitamins am and pm in her bowl. The reason I got her over here in the first place was I was afraid she was going to OD by taking her pills so often b/c she forgot if she took them or when. The AM/PM pill box became useless.
And Gabriel, I disagree that she can't learn at this point. She's never had a frig with a water dispenser on the outside door b4 and since being here, she's "learned" how to get water from it. It wasn't ez, but she's got it ;)

ninamarc 08-24-2012 09:50 AM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Hi Rose,

It is good that you can hide the vitamin bowl. :) Yes you are right in a way. Mom can be "trained" for routine. Only routine. If it is something that keeps changing, she would not be able to keep up. Also later on when she gets sicker, she will forget about it. For now, I am glad she can do some stuff that you told her to do. e.g., in moderate stage, we can train the elders to go to the bathroom and etc., but in severe stage, they cannot. It depends on some elders. In the moderate stage, some may say they don't like to wet the pants and go to the bathroom. If you can help her to go with the routine now, it will help you a lot. However sometimes you cannot train them, e.g., they will never know which sweater is hers or his... It is just easier to share the stuff with the same sex.
The elders will need help for daily life such as washing, dressing and etc. Not just taking pills. Some stuff is best done by the caregivers. You can also guide her to do things. Don't expect her to be independent. That kind of learning is not like the normal learning in our regular life.


Gabriel 08-24-2012 10:22 AM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
"Learning" is a function of memory. Yes, in the early mid stages, with repetition, you can condition her to use a new technology. But that "new learning" is not going to remain for long since the new memories go first. She will forget the new water in the door technology and eventually forget how to turn on the water faucet. She will not know where the glasses are. It is stage dependent. With time, she will forget more than you can teach her through routine.

Know that yelling at Mom is only going to make life more difficult for you both because it confuses her more. It does nothing to make the situation better. I know it is difficult to understand that she can not remember, can not think through a problem, and can not empathize or know personal boundaries. It is a matter of setting her up for success in her world rather than expecting her to function cognitively in our world. Putting up the medications is a good thing. Expecting demented behavior from those with dementia will make life better for both of you :)

Love, deb

Gabriel 08-24-2012 10:24 AM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
ahh.... If you will put baby latches on your husband's drawer in the bathroom your Mom probably will not be able to open the drawers but your husband will :) That might solve the problem of your Mom going through his things.

Love, deb

2rose17 08-24-2012 06:28 PM

Re: Moved Mom in 2 months ago
Thanks about the baby latches. But he's pretty stripped the drawer of anything that might hurt her. Now if he could get her to not pull the door too after she's used the bathroom in the middle of the night. He gets up a lot to pee at night and runs into it -BANG!!!

Another thing she does is she won't put that days worn clothes in the dirty basket. She hangs them back up then I have to sniff each thing (Eeeewwwww, getting so sick of this) to see if it's dirty or clean. I was having trouble about her body odor when she first came here. Of course she didn't always remember to put on deodorant. WELL I bought her some Michum roll on. That stuff works for days :) YAY


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