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dorri 11-25-2012 12:59 PM

Mom is...
Update: Mom seems to be improving.

She's only been out of the hospital for 6 days and I just got a call now that her oxygen rate is dropping and that her lungs are 3/4 full. The NH wants to know if the family wants to send her to the hospital or to provide comfort measures at the Nursing Home?
Do we keep sending her in to the hospital to go through draining her lungs only to be good for a week because they fill up again. I don't want her to suffer anymore and have to put her needs ahead of what I want. She's in God's hand's if she is meant to survive she will but if not, then may she go peacefully.

ninamarc 11-25-2012 01:23 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
I am so sorry to know this. I understand hospital is hard for her. Is it congestive heart failure? My late FIL with Alzheimer's actually had survived up to the very late stage when he could not walk/talk and had trouble eating (needed to be fed this year since the spring.) One day in July he got sick and needed oxygen. He had had heart failure for 4 years. The doctor didn't really know why but just gave him all the comfort care. I supposed if we sent him to the hospital, they would do all the stuff with tubes and oxygen and etc. He had trouble eating (eating little per day for a week) and then he was gone that Sunday after a week due to heart attack. No specific reason of why because it was educated guess by the doctor. He went in his sleep in the morning. There was no hospice yet but we moved him to the other wing for very sick people that week. My husband signed some polst paperwork saying no more hospital or tubes. I still wonder if hospital would have helped, but he was too weak to be transported as it seemed. So he had some kind of palliative care but the death was not expected.
If his heart didn't kill him, he probably would have only lived for some more months given his eating problem. He was bedridden a lot and didn't engage in any activities. No talking at all (just saying "Ah" when he repsonded.)

It seems hospice is in order for your Mom. But no one can predict how long. I sure hope she will not suffer and can go in peace. Praying for your Mom and you.


dorri 11-25-2012 01:59 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Thanks Nina, that's the big question on my mind? What if we have her lungs drained again, will that be it and will she be around longer, or will we be putting her through major stress again and again and cause her more stress and confusion only to have the same thing return again? Do we keep trying and trying, or do we give her rest and let her go?

Too, I should be getting on a plane to see her, but just a few days ago I came back from there with a cold/virus and I'm stilll sick and weak. Don't know what I'm to do???

5alive 11-25-2012 03:49 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
I must say how sorry I am.It is the hardest thing i've gone through.but waiting for death is hardest.I have wanted to put my story in a place that would help people.It was always just me & Mom.we always said that.right now just writing breaks my heart,I miss her hands,her smell,her belief in me.she had many health problems but she died from her heart not draining.etc.
3 yrs before I noticed she was losing weight(thin as it was already)she wound up in hospital a coma,then to a rehab center.not long.she lived in a senior living.she wanted home so off we went.i lived 2hrs away.i'll shorten in between.i found out i had ms.i fell,they found it by accident .she never knew.She only wanted me to care for her,so i did.back and forth for a while,then moving in. my kids we're grown,dear hubby that last yr we had more was a fight for me to bathe her at first"she said your not looking at my presious"i told her i was the first to see it!lol...

Her fav game show was the game show with the big wheel!I had to watch that darn wheel spin everytime.Shed say hurry the wheel is she got sicker,
at the end she told me,i'll tell you when I want to go to the hospital.
the morning came,we washed up then called for an ambulance ride there.She had a DNR.While she was close to dying I prayed please don't let her die alone.all i could picture was her looking around with me not there.

They gave her compy meds.In the morning they came for the tv money.I fiqured i'm not sitten with no tv.i can remember trying to climb into bed with her.(i'm too fat,she never thought so,I was perfect to her)
I'm crying now. I think it was stuck in my heart needing to come out.
well,i looked at her face and said"well it's just you and me again Mom."
I'm sorry this is so long.I never really put it all in words,but,I understand the time before all you want is peace at death for your loved one.
I miss holing her hand even at death.

I pray for all losing someone so very close.

That game show was on,no lie...she died when they spun the wheel!i've been told people wait for different people,things etc. before they die.But a game show.We were face to face.the most gratefull feeling i've ever had.i wish the best for anyone on these boards going through this.much love to all and my sympathy

dorri 11-25-2012 04:15 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
5alive, thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I am sorry about your mom. You have me in tears as well.
My mom has congestive heart failure from leaky heart valves, they are leaking fluid into her lungs. Draining that fluid will not fix the problem, only prolong her life by maybe a few days, week, or more until she gets fluid buildup again. We had no way of knowing it would be so soon after her hospital release, but the doctor did warn us that she could worsen. The only way to fix leaky heart valves is with surgery, they refuse to do surgery on her because of her state.

I was already thinking suggesting that they drain her one more time. I don't know what is right but one thing I do know it is not right for her to be suffering this way.
She is drowning in her own fluid. She is suffering.

My sister is giving me reg updates. I am preparing myself and while I always hold on to hope, I need to be realistic as well.

Gabriel 11-25-2012 05:01 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Dorri... as you explained it they can not fix her immediate problem. They can only put a temporary band-aid on the problem and hope for a delay of the inevitable. It might make it a little better in the short term or it might make it worse but what you know is that it is not going to change the outcome. Until she was put on the morphine she was in distress. Hospital stays are traumatic for the dementia patient. It this truly what you want for your Mom? You can say one more time but then what happens in a few days when you have to make the decision again? What quality of life will your Mom have between now and the end? You feel she is suffering. Do you want that extended? We all want to keep our loved ones with us. But at what cost to them?

I have been through this with my Dad. I could have sent him to the hospital and approved aggressive life saving measures that might have extended his life another few days, a week, maybe even a month... but would it have made a difference? Instead I opted for comfort care in the facility. He lasted 5 days. He was with his wife, children, and grandchildren, in a setting he was familiar with, cared for by the care managers that he adored. They pampered him and doted over him because they had come to love him. There were no strangers.

My decision was based in Mom and Dad's request after my grandmother's death after a long battle with Alzheimer's. In the final stages of Alzheimer's she contracted sepsis after a catheter was inserted to obtain a urine sample. She was hospitalized, massive amounts of IV antibiotics and other treatments did "save her". For the months after that when my grandmother lay in a nursing home bed... my Mom questioned for what? She saw the suffering my grandmother endured, the weight she lost, the bed sores, as she wasted away. That questions rings in my ears to this day... saved her for what? For pain and suffering? So she has always told me to "Love me enough to let me go"....

Each has to make their own decision based on their loved one's condition, prognosis, and beliefs. Just be sure that your focus in on Mom and what is best for her. I don't think any of us are every ready to lose a loved one but there comes a time when we have to love them enough to let them go.

As for going or not going... on that you will have to make up your own mind. You have just had a visit with your Mom. That may be enough. If not then you need to go. It is your decision. Just have no regrets whatever decision you make. What you decide is right for you :)

My heart goes out to you along with my prayers for you and your Mom. I pray for her comfort and for you the strength and courage you will need in the coming days.

Love, deb

dorri 11-25-2012 10:17 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Thanks everyone. I was to leave tomorrow but my sister told me to wait until she gets more updates from the NP/doctor. I hope I can get some of my strength back from this flu by the time I go.

Gabriel 11-25-2012 11:57 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Hope you feel better quickly...

Love, deb

elizabeth62 11-26-2012 12:37 AM

Re: Mom is dying.
I'm sorry about your mom. :(

My daughter is an RN and she says that most families err on the side of doing too much to keep their elderly relatives alive, even going against what the elderly relative wanted for themselves.

I've made it as clear as possible to my children, to err on the side of not letting me suffer, not putting me through numerous treatments as an elderly person.

5alive 11-26-2012 07:00 AM

Re: Mom is dying.
hi Dori, Reading this thread (i can't get this out of my mind)you sound like a wonderfull person.that has alot to do with how good a mom she is.I don't think she would want you to go through the turmoil along with her dying.i have 5 kids.i wouldn't.but you love her so much.please get well so whatever happens you can except. you have such strong people on this thread rooting for you.
many prayers today i'll be sending

dorri 11-26-2012 09:18 AM

Re: Mom is dying.
Thank you so much. I got up this morning and I don't feel better, I'm still sick and weak. I ask God why? why now, when I need so badly to be well so I can go to be with mom. I'm waiting for an update from my sister who should know more today.

dorri 11-26-2012 05:35 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
An update from my sister. Mom had a good day today. They gave her more morphine and she seemed to be okay although she had a bad night I hear. She has a few residents angry because she made so much noise.
The NP and doctor didn't show up today so apparently it's to be tomorrow. I have been advised that there is no point in going up in my sick state and passing it on to mom or other family members, so waiting to get better.

Gabriel 11-26-2012 07:49 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Glad Mom had a good day. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Love, deb

jagsmu 11-26-2012 10:32 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Hello friend, I do hope you are feeling a little better, the flu can be nasty. Deb really did say it well, this is the time that you need think of what mom would want, I know in our hearts we want them to get better, get up out of thoses beds and be the mom we remember, well they are still our mom's but we have to make sure that they want for nothing,have no pain and are comfortable and most important when the time comes be there if you can. We are our moms...just look in the mirror, you are your mom in a hundred different little ways, the way you tilt your head or fold your arms, these choices that you may have to make ,you already know what mom Wants so go ahead and follow through, remember no guilt..

Sending hugs Judy

dorri 11-26-2012 10:59 PM

Re: Mom is dying.
Thanks Deb and Judy.

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