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Feeling Sad...

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Old 06-30-2013, 06:22 PM   #1
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Feeling Sad...

I've been around here for around 2-3 years. So, this is nothing new. My BIL called yesterday to say that they can't keep Mom any longer. She is just getting too difficult to care for. She can't get out of her chair without assistance. I have found some homes with recommendations from friends. But, I just feel sad knowing that Mom has to move. Today, she went on and on about how they take such good care of her. Little does she know we are making plans to move her. She was in respite care for 2 weeks only a few weeks ago. She was extremely unhappy, but didn't remember that when she came back home. I think my sister and BIL should be the ones to tell her....but what should they say? BIL is probably thinking about telling her the truth...that she is just too difficult to care for, but Mom won't understand or agree.

Another question...behind my back, sister got Mom to give her Medical Power of Atty. She took Mom to an Atty, then called to gloat on their way home. I am still the regular POA. Does that mean sister will be the one to be called when there are issues at the nursing home??

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Old 06-30-2013, 07:22 PM   #2
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Re: Feeling Sad...

First what is BIL? Please don't fight at this point in your Mom's life. My experience with medical power of attorney, this state of FL it only comes onto play in last stages of life when hospital wants to know what to do. She should be willing to give you a copy so you will know your mother's wishes in case she is not available. Moms just stated she didn't want to be kept alive on life support. Even though I had the original the hospital had me sign another. Her doctor should also get a copy for his giles. Why anyone would have any reason to gloat about this is beyond me. it means that person is tesponsible for deciding to pull the plug.

Old 06-30-2013, 08:10 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling Sad...

I'm with nice. There is no reason to gloat! That is a tremendous responsibility and there will be some very hard decision to make in the future. If Mom is going to be near your sister and BIL then it will be easier for them to have the Medical POA. As far as the care facility goes, even if sister has the Medical POA, she can approve you to make decisions or you can make them together. I did not have Mom's Medical POA but I had Mom. My sister signed permission for me to discuss and make decisions for Mom. At the hospital, I never did have anybody ask me for Mom's Medical POA. They did ask me for her living will. That does not appoint a person but expresses her wishes. A lot will depend of where Mom is placed.

If Mom is too difficult to keep at home, with a dementia diagnosis, and you can prove via her doctor that she was incapable of understanding, at the time she signed, then you do have legal grounds to revoke the Medical POA. This would probably involved lawyers and a court fight. It is much better to try to work with your sister and BIL.

Remember that it is the responsibility of the children to make sure that Mom has the best care possible. If your sister and BIL are not capable of keeping Mom in their home, and you can not take care of Mom yourself, then Mom being in a good care facility is the best care possible for your Mom. Nobody wants to do this but there does come a time in many families that it is necessary. Know you are doing what is best for Mom.

As you said, Mom no longer remembers the respite facility once she got home. It takes 30 days or more for a dementia patient to adjut to a new living arrangement. It would be the same if she moved to your house. She is away from what is familiar and that is confusing. Give her time to adjust. Make sure you have a facility that will keep her active and try to keep her schedule as close to normal as possible. Take her favorite chair, her bed, her dresser, and other items that are "home" to her.

You need to know you Mom to know what to say to her. If she is capable of understanding, in the early stages of this disease, and she does not already have a negative attitude about a care facility, then by all means be truthful with her. You can let her help you decide what to take, even help you pack up. But this is only if she is agreeable and aware.

If she does not like the idea of a care facility and will not remember the conversation, or if she is unable to process what is being said to her and understanding, then there is no reason to bring up the move in advance. You could take her by the facility for lunch, let her see the activity, talk positively about the facility and see if she comes up with the idea of moving there. Suggest that it would be a great place to live with all the fun things to do and people that can help her. If she is negative, drop the idea and try again another day. If she gets excited about the idea then you can continue the discussion. If she stays negative, please don't push it. At some point the move will have to happen. If she is not cooperative then pack her up and move her in with her not present. Take her to her new room with her old things already there. You can tell her it is temporary.... until she can walk better, or the doctor says she can go home, or other excuses you think might work with her. Then you will have to work with the care facility to make the best of the situation. If Mom is very negative, then there are medications that will help her be less anxious. These too can be temporary until she adjust.

Know you are doing what is best for Mom... and go from there

Love, deb

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