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Showering


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Old 10-21-2013, 05:47 PM   #1
bearcubs
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Showering

Hello,

I had a bad experience on Saturday with my mom trying to get her into the shower. A resident assistant told me he was going to give my mom a shower and for me to be strong. My heart started beating a mile a minute. He then wheeled my mom from the dining room into her room. Then he told her there is a rash going around and she need to get a shower and have some cream put on. She started kicking and screaming when he was trying to take off her sweater, then her top and pants. He then proceeded to pull the chair with her in it to the show at the same time she was kicking and screaming. When he got her to the shower he then proceeded to take off her bra and panties. She kept screaming and crying and asking me (actually begging me to help her). The resident assistant wanted me there but did not want me to get in the way of giving her a shower. He then turned on the water from the hand held shower and she was screaming and crying. I couldn't get in there to help her. I felt so helpless. When he was finished I had to get her dried up and dressed. After a while she seemed to be a bit o.k.. He told me the girls who work there do not want to shower her because she starts kicking and screaming and punching. So in order for her to get a shower they have to get him to do it. I'm not crazy about this idea. My poor mom hadn't had a shower for 3 to 4 weeks. She says "I had one yesterday" etc. I felt so sorry for her because in her mind she probably thought he was going to do something inappropriate when he was washing her. She was so scared. He has given her a shower before is what he told me. I didn't know this until Saturday, so you can imagine how scared she would have been without me there. I don't know how many times he has showered her. He wants to give her a shower once a week with me there but I don't want to have to go through this again seeing her like this and for me now when I go in the shower I'm thinking about what happened to my mom. I'm going to tell him I don't want to be there and see this again. The problem is my mom won't get a shower with me there either because she says she had one yesterday or she'll have one tomorrow. She thinks she doesn't need any help. It comes down to her not wanting anyone to help her with a shower. Nobody. Not even me. Whoever mentions it to her she screams at them and they leave the room and say they'll come back later and it is the same every time they come to help her. What a nightmare!!!! Now it makes me wonder what she has gone through before with this shower business. I can't stop thinking about it. She was yelling out to me "Elaine please get him away from me" "Elaine please help me". My heart is breaking into a million pieces when I hear her voice inside my head. God please give me strength!! I wish she would go to heaven and be out of this misery.

Thank you for listening.

Any other ideas to help me.

bearcubs

 
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:05 AM   #2
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Re: Showering

Dear Bearcubs,
Though a very emotional experience it was good you were there. The staff has your Mom's health at heart.Bedsores can create major problems of pain and infection. You could try talking to her doctor and see if they could medicate her to make showering more comfortable and her more approachable by female staff.
My heart goes out to you.
Judie

 
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:47 AM   #3
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Re: Showering

Hi,

I also thought about sedation and perhaps a bed wash all over instead of the shower.
May be you could talk to the staff and see if that would be more appropriate.
You could be there while they washed her.

Solofelix.

 
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Old 10-22-2013, 02:01 PM   #4
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Re: Showering

The problem is she doesn't want a female to help her either. She yells at them to get out and then they say they'll come back later and it is the same thing all over again. If I try to suggest it she says she had a shower or I'll have one tomorrow. I don't know how anyone can help her because she thinks she can do it herself. You can't bribe her or anything. My mom is very determined and strong willed. Good in some ways and not in others. She has always been this way. So frustrating.

bearcubs

 
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Old 10-23-2013, 02:43 AM   #5
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Re: Showering

Bearcub it is frustrating when a loved one gets to this point but know that it is more than likely the disease at work and not whet somebody has done to your mom. Showering is actually a complicated frightening process if you do not know why it is happening. Somebody takes off your clothes rubs you and sprays you with something. All for no reason you can imagine that is good. Yet you can not just let them stay dirty. Obviously you being ask to help was the facilities was of trying to make it better for your mom. They obviously care.

Bed sores can be a problem is they are not kept clean and dry. They are much easier ti prevent than to treat. As you said after it was over she seemed ti be ok. Once the shower is done it fades from her memory quickly. You are the one left with the memories. You need to take a lesson from mom. Once it is done put it behind you. If it does help your mom for you to be there then do so for her. If it makes no difference the opt out. Remember that we can not fix this disease. We can only do the best we can for out loved ones. Sometimes that means doing what they need even if it is not what they want.

It might help to ask her doctor for ant anxiety medication ti be given half hour prior to showering if the anxiety continues.

Love. Deb

 
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Old 10-24-2013, 02:59 PM   #6
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Re: Showering

Gabriel,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I'm taking it one day at a time. Posting here helps me to cope with this terrible disease. Have a good weekend.

Love Elaine

 
Old 10-24-2013, 03:04 PM   #7
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Re: Showering

Hello bearcubs...I LIVE this with my 87 year old mom. I have several suggestions that might help, from a daughter's perspective. I will begin to post, but it could be lengthy,so I'm sending this "yoo-hoo" before you sign off for the weekend. Are you still there? However, I MUST believe we are not the only children of the elderly who are dealing with these issues. Possibly our experiences, along with the advice of other members, will HELP someone else=)

Last edited by moderator2; 10-24-2013 at 03:22 PM.

 
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Old 10-24-2013, 03:09 PM   #8
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Re: Showering

She doesn't have a rash. The resident assistant just made this up so she would have a shower. There isn't anything going around in the nursing home. The suggestions you gave are all well and good. But with my mom you cannot get near her. She'll start screaming and punching and kicking. There is no way you can get her to the shower. When this happens the resident assistants will leave the room and come back later and go through the same thing every time. I was talking to the nurse and she said this has been going on for a year with her fighting back. My poor mom. She will not let anyone who is female help her either. She thinks she can do it herself. Nobody can get near her. The head nurse said the assistants do not have to go through this with her. She said she will talk to her doctor and see if they can give her some kind of medication on a daily basis to see if she will calm down and her behaviors will be a little better too. Only time will tell.

bearcubs

Last edited by bearcubs; 10-24-2013 at 03:11 PM.

 
Old 10-24-2013, 03:27 PM   #9
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Re: Showering

It's me again, bearcubs...As I said, this may be lengthy as this cannot be discussed in short order. My mom is 87. My dad died in 2001, just days before 9/11 attacks on the WTC. She continued to live in her home alone until she fell and broke her hip in 2005. She slipped in her little poodle's pee. He had peed because she was beating him. That's a story for another day except to say she treated the 6 of us children much the same way. I am the youngest @ 52 and the only one who's ever been able to stand up to her as I became an adult. As the designated POA, I insisted the surgeon perform a complete hip replacement, so that she could walk again. He agreed ONLY IF she would go into a rehabilitation/assisted living facility afterwards and NOT be allowed to ever live alone. SHE FOUGHT ME every step of the way. It has been 8 years of HELL, not because of the facility, but because of my mom.

I'm waiting to hear from you before I continue this post, ok? Meanwhile, I'm sending you hugs of support and understanding. I know what you are going through, believe me.

 
Old 10-24-2013, 03:35 PM   #10
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Re: Showering

Hello WhistleDixie,

I'm online as you can see from the green circle. I'll check in here from time to time to see how you are doing. Just keep on posting and checking my posts too.

Hugs

bearcubs

Last edited by moderator2; 10-24-2013 at 03:37 PM.

 
Old 10-24-2013, 04:30 PM   #11
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Re: Showering

Sweetie, I don't want to project my experience onto yours, as your "cup runneth over" as well as mine. For 8 years my mom has had specific doctors orders for a daily shower noted on her chart. She, too, refuses MOST of those days. I fought it for YEARS before I realized it was like "charging the windmill". I finally asked the D/N to have my mom sign her chart daily if SHE has refused her shower. EVERY time I visit, she wreaks. I insist on her shower and shampoo immediately, while I wait in her room. This is not ideal, nor how it "should" be...but I've had to accept it. I visit twice a week. I cannot control the other 5 days.

Sometimes, ACCEPTANCE is key for SELF preservation...a hard lesson learned.

I get my mom's outfits much like a child's "Garanimals". She fights them on dressing her as well. I'd go in and find her clothes mismatched. I've had to adapt to ALL black slacks that will match all of her tops. I pay the facility beautician to cut/color her hair once per month. My mom verbally abuses her to the point she's refused to color her hair any more. She still cuts her hair, but my mom is now grey, as opposed to auburn. Again, not ideal...but I've had to accept it. I took her to the retinologist last Spring for her exam and increased eyeglass prescription in the one "good" eye. Every time I visit, she either has no glasses on...or has the wrong ones on=( Then she curses me out for asking.

No matter how difficult my mom is or has been, I feel responsible for her healthcare and well-being. I agree that it is essential for your mom to be showered/bathed as often as possible. I am sorry for her reaction, be it anger or fear. I agree that perhaps a mild sedative is in order upon discussion with her doctor. YOU have to decide what's less stressful for YOU. I don't like the idea of a male CNA bathing my mom, BUT he's the only one strong enough to get her into the shower chair. Ironically, she prefers him over the female CNAs.

This is not a "battle" to be won. DO THE BEST YOU CAN DO under the circumstances, and SAVE yourself. I know the agony that takes a piece of your heart to walk away. Don't expose yourself to the tirades, period. I wish I had realized this before my FIRST nervous breakdown.

I'm sending you hugs of support and understanding. You're not alone=)

 
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Old 10-25-2013, 02:23 AM   #12
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Re: Showering

Bearcat. You have come a long way. In this situation remember that you do the best that you can..... no more and no less. Glad the facility is going to look into medication for moms anxiety and that is exactly what it is. Fear of what she can not understand. Hang in there because this too shall pass and something else take it's place.

Love. Deb

 
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