It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

family feud over assisted living


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-17-2014, 07:27 AM   #1
nikvap
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
nikvap HB User
family feud over assisted living

Hello,

My dad was recently diagnosed with moderate dementia, and we just moved him into the memory care unit of assisted living. His short term memory is almost gone, but he is otherwise pretty with it. My brother and I are his POA's.

My dad's brother is threatening to challenge our POA's to overtake him, and move him to Florida away from the rest of his family. He wants to "take care" of him. Everyone in the family is against this, and agree that he is only looking for a new source of income, since he recently went bankrupt. He calls dad everyday to wind him up, and in return my dad sends angry emails and phone calls to us. Dad does not want to move to Florida, but he does want to go home.

I'm looking for advice from people that have experienced similar battles. We have threatened legal action of course, but the bigger concern is how he is winding up our dad and hurting his mental health.

Thank you

 
The following user gives a hug of support to nikvap:
WhistleDixie (03-17-2014)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-17-2014, 07:33 AM   #2
ninamarc
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,693
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: family feud over assisted living

I am very sorry that your Dad has to live in the new home. I think you and your brother are doing what you can. Dad's brother has no way to invade your power. He is not the POA anyway. What can he do? Sue you? He has no grounds.
I would suggest that you tell the home to block this brother's phone calls. Not to insult him directly but subtly plan to monitor Dad's phone calls or emails. Make sure nothing or no one bothers Dad. If his brother upsets Dad, the home is able to block him off.

Good luck,
Nina

 
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
nikvap (03-17-2014)
Old 03-17-2014, 09:29 AM   #3
Gabriel
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,237
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: family feud over assisted living

The brother is going to have an impossible task of bucking the entire family and the doctor's recommendations which you have to have to place your Dad in a special dementia unit. That can NOT be done without a doctor's signature as necessary. So the brother is barking up a tree he can't climb.

I agree with Nina, have conversation with the care facility and your Dad's doctor. You can ask the phone calls from the brother not be put through because of his angst after the calls. Brother's e-mail address can be blocked on Dad's computer. Easier yet, as long as none of the other family calls Dad, to have all phone contact eliminated... or you can limit it to just certain people. Then the facility would not have to determine who is calling and perhaps the brother get through using somebody else phone number or as a go between.

I had a similar situation yet it was different. It was not one person calling but calls from old friends in general that would fire Mom up. I had her phone taken out and all calls went through the facility phone. The only calls allowed were from the daughter's and grand daughters... period! Otherwise the caller was given instructed to call one of us We backed this up with a doctor's order to make it required and easy for the facility to say... "Due to doctor's orders!" I also had it put on Mom's ISP (Individual Service Plan) so every employee that worked with her knew what to do.

It might annoy the brother but it is the best for Dad. When the brother calls you all wound up, you can tell him that! It is better for the brother to be bothered than your Dad.

Love, deb

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
nikvap (03-17-2014)
Old 03-17-2014, 03:07 PM   #4
WhistleDixie
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 833
WhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB UserWhistleDixie HB User
Re: family feud over assisted living

Hello Nik....The previous suggestions are right on point. YOU have to do whatever is necessary to keep your dad in a "good" place emotionally. Unfortunately, there are MANY folks like the brother, who will "stir the pot", making your dad's life (and yours) beyond miserable.

I LIVE THIS with my 87 yr. old mom, who has been in assisted living since 2005. I won't go into great detail. I hold the POA for her. She has a couple of sisters who basically attempted to do the same thing. It's been rough...I won't sugarcoat. Stay firm with your dad's wellbeing first and foremost. Yours will be challenged by the interlopers as well. IF necessary, you have the legal right to build a "firewall" around your dad (and yourself). It sounds harsh, but you can prevent the brother from ANY contact whatsoever. The facility can deny access and have him escorted from the building. You will be the recipient of the ensuing wrath, but protect yourself. Your dad will probably rebel and see you as the "bad guy". Block the brother's ability to contact you. Reassure your dad with your words and more importantly, your visits. Positive re-enforcement is key. (My mom's always told me "I don't know any damn thing positive")

I feel for your family. HUGS of support in that you certainly are not alone. The transition will be brutal for all of you. If at all possible, I would become as involved as possible with activities, family care meetings, etc. so that your dad does not feel abandoned. Create a strong network of support with the staff and fellow residents as well. Amongst some of the bleakest days, you will find joy unspeakable. I promise.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to WhistleDixie For This Useful Post:
nikvap (03-17-2014)
Old 03-17-2014, 05:02 PM   #5
nikvap
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
nikvap HB User
Smile Re: family feud over assisted living

Thank you all for your very encouraging words...I will truly sleep better tonight!

Hugs

 
The following user gives a hug of support to nikvap:
WhistleDixie (03-18-2014)
Old 03-18-2014, 06:15 PM   #6
ninamarc
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,693
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: family feud over assisted living

Actually in the home where my late FIL was (a home with dementia unit and skilled-care), they didn't allow any phone. They could not stop you from ordering the phone but they do not recommend it. They suggest that the nurse will get the phone and ask the resident to listen to the phone. Once their resident called 911 for nothing. It is slower to get the call this way unfortunately.
Their computer is a simple kind of touch screen computer in the hallway and no emails. Gradually the elderly/residents get sicker and will need help for anything.
Just take off the phone and emails so Dad cannot use them aggressively. He could use them passively or you can bring the phone to him to talk to your family.

Regards,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-18-2014 at 06:18 PM.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:55 AM.





2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!