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Can't control my Anger

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Old 07-29-2015, 06:49 PM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1
angryndesperate HB User
Unhappy Can't control my Anger

I'm here because my ex found this forum for me. It hurts for me to call her that, because we were together for over eleven years until last night.

I've had bad anger issues my entire life, to the point of having had therapy for it and depression back when I was a teenager. I'm 32 now, and for the past five years or so have been having bad relapsing with anger problems without a way to figure out how to truly stop it.

My anger lately has been relating to me and my ex's relationship issues. We'd fight because of stupid things that would escalate due to my anger and her refusal to ever admit she was wrong or when she did she'd refuse to apologize. She'd sit there quiet while I ranted and then say it was my fault. She'd only usually apologize after having to sit and lay out exactly why I had gotten mad, and what happened, and then she'd barely apologize but within a day or two the exact same arguement would rise up.

This became a big problem, because well for a while we had a S&M style lifestyle with me as the dominant in it. Yet whenever I'd lay out rules or try to take control she'd have fun trying to oppose it, hoping it'd draw out more anger in hopes of increased sexuality or the like (since she always liked "angry sex"). But lately it got to be too much, she'd ignore what I'd say blatently and when I got angry she'd continue to not care and drive me up the walls...

Last night, I won't get into the "risky" details... But we were fooling around, but not in a kinky way just normal. I was already not really wanting to, due to feeling ill, but she was really wanting to and kept pushing me to do things. Then certain things happened that involved her accidentally causing me pain which quickly ended any intimate mindset. Then my anger took over, we started arguing about everything, her saying she needed me to always be dominant otherwise she wasn't happy or able to be turned on... To which, me being angry, my mind went to thinking she wanted me to be angry and have angry sex, and well being half sick it didn't translate well and I shoved her... She fell off the bed (only 1 foot off the floor but still uncalled for)...

For about one minute after I was still raging and yelling about it, about how she drove me to do it... Then I walked out of the room, finally able to grab some sort of control of it and walk away and realize what happened... And that's when depression took over and all I did for the night was emotionally and physically abuse myself...

I don't know what to do... We broke up, but she wants to sit down with our group of friends and tell them everything that happened. She hopes they can help me, and in turn help us restart out relationship as she says she still wants to be with me, as long as I get help. I'm worried my friends will just lash out at me, having expressed multiple times they can't stand angry or negative people (including having had issues with my depression before) and will not be open to helping me and definitely not helping me and her stay together. I feel like I'm getting led out to a firing squad... I also need to state these people have all on occasion said me and her were bad for each other, and have only known us for one year..

I love my ex... I love her with all my heart and soul and will do anything I need to do to get help... I'd go back to therapy if I could afford it, but on 10$ an hour I can barely afford to live right now. So I've come here because it's better than nothing... So I'm just asking for help... What should/can I do to help reign it in and not lash out... I can't believe I hit the point I did last night and just want to scream at myself, and did all night....

-Thanks for your time...
-Angry and Desperate for help..

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