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    Old 08-04-2004, 09:57 PM   #1
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    boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    When my boyfriend was younger he was a big kid and other kids made fun of him alot and so did adults,lots of people did and he has supressed it all in and now he lashes out at me and at his parents.His mom said that he has always had anger problems and he always got in trouble alot when he was young because he would be so mad all the time.I dont know what to do to help him out.When we first got together (one year ago) he didnt show me any anger like this because we werent close and he only does it to people he is close to.The only problem with this is that when he gets mad at something he turns it around and makes me feel like it was my fault.He cant take responsibility for himself. This is really murting our relationship and Im starting to wonder if he will get better at all.

    What can I do to help him?

     
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    Old 08-05-2004, 07:56 AM   #2
    CDASH
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I don't know if I'm right or wrong but I do know that as long as you are there for him to do this to - he will. He needs to go to Anger Management Classes. If he is unwilling to do this, I suggest that you make some choices that healthy for yourself. I know you probably care about this guy but you also have to care about yourself first.

     
    Old 08-07-2004, 07:19 PM   #3
    massej
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    Red face Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    Dear Young Lady with angry boyfriend,

    Please be very careful. My daughter is going through a nasty divorce from a man whom she was married to for 6 years. He was arrested for domestic violence. They have two children. Unbeknownst to me he was hitting, kicking,choking, shoving and bullying her for years. He too had issues of self-esteem. She fell in love with him 9 years ago and felt a little bit sorry for him when she married him. He always told her that she was the only one who understood him. These psychological problems connected with low self-esteem are very deep rooted and unfortunately love alone doesn't solve them. He thought if she "loved" him she would take his abuse. It's taken her many years to get the courage to leave him. Don't let yourself become a victim. Concerned mother.

     
    Old 09-10-2004, 07:59 PM   #4
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    >>>When my boyfriend was younger he was a big kid and other kids made fun of him alot and so did adults,lots of people did and he has supressed it all in and now he lashes out at me and at his parents.His mom said that he has always had anger problems and he always got in trouble alot when he was young because he would be so mad all the time<<<<

    I think its so easy to make excuses for people as to why theyre the way they are. He was big and they made fun of him. So what? I was skinny as a pole , had bucked teeth and got called names and made fun of. Almost everyone is made fun of at one point in their lives. They need to get over it and move on. I think it is plain immaturity, cruelness and they like to explain it away with reasons that happened when they were young. Sure i could understand if someone had grown up being abused, physically and/or mentally, that they would grow up mentally unstable and have behavioral problems but there are also so many abused people that have been able to move past that as well. SOme do, some dont. The ones who don't NEED to be in some sort of therapy. But you making excuses for him or ACCEPTING his excuse, that kids made fun of him and that is why he is so angry , is only contributing to it and enabling him to continue doing so. Why should he change his ways or learn how to behave or go to anger management when everyone is making excuses for him and practically giving him permission to behave the way he does?
    Stand up to him and tell him you will not allow to be treated that way any longer. If youre afraid of him tell him over the phone and then take safety measures. He either goes to therapy, changes his behavior or that he can find another woman who will put up with his behavioral problems and possible physical beatings down the line. Do you REALLY want to be with a man who treats you like this? I can totally understand and do have compassion for married women who have been in a committment for so many years and have kids and they cant afford to leave. I feel so sorry for them and they need to be helped as much as possible. But a boyfriend??? come on sweetie, you are worth MUCH MUCH more than having to put up with his ridiculous excuse. And you say he treats his parents the same?? Trust me youre not going to change him unless he gets treatment or decides to grow up. Look around this anger board. So many women with kids, struggling to get out of a marriage, wondering where they will go to, what they will do and some fearing for their very life. Do you really want THAT for your future? Do you want that for your kids should you marry him?? You are worth much more hon, much much more and deserve so much better that risking the possibility of being a future abused wife. Please think long and hard and please above everything else, take care of yourself.
    Jen

     
    Old 09-18-2004, 05:58 AM   #5
    talking101
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    Exclamation Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I think if you even have to ask on this board about a potentially abusive boyfriend/husband, you know in your heart he is abusive. I say get out of the relationship ASAP and move on. Before you have kids. I dated a man before I started dating my husband of now 34 years, who got mad after a party and accused me of looking at other men and slapped me around. Just slapped. (I'm sure the fists would come the next time) I left him immediately and never looked back. I didn't let the relationship go on and on until I couldn't get out. There are so many wonderful men out there, don't put up with this crap. Life is too short.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 02:40 AM   #6
    anger3535
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    Cool Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I've been angry all my life. I'm currently reading all kinds of books and really trying, and I beleive succeeding, to come to grips with it. I've never hit a woman, but I have spanked my kids, and felt wrong about it afterwards. Without my wife of 12 years being completely supportive right now, I'm not sure I would be doing all this work. We've both recently made a statement to our kids that there WILL BE NO MORE SPANKINGS OR HITTING OF ANY KIND. And we're all talking about it, and even have some good laughs about it. I've never felt closer to my family than I do now, and I hope it continues forever.

    I don't know how much anger you receive from him, or how he vents his anger, but here's a few ideas:

    1. If he has been hitting you already, move out immediately. (If you stay, it means you have your own needs for being beat up, etc. and you might want to talk with someone yourself. This doesn't mean you have to end your relationship with him, or stop loving him, or stop helping him. But you need to get the physical contact stopped until he really does something about it. You won't be able to fix him yourself. You can only be there for him, and make sure he is aware of his "problem". I think, but don't know for sure, that people who are excessively angry, know it. So he's probably not surprised. Anyway, if you leave him physically, he is forced to see that it's serious enough to make you afraid. If he runs, he doesn't care enough to look at his problem seriously, and it will not work out between you.

    2. If he hasn't done you any physical harm (yet), then make sure you tell him straight out, but with kindness - "if you ever hit me in any way, I'm gone." My wife said this to me when we got married, and it always stayed in the back of my mind.

    3. I am finding out that there are so many angry men out there, it's unbelievable. And it's really comforting too. It took a pretty emotional job-loss for me to decide to really work on my anger, but so far, it's been the best thing for me, and I have a feeling that my life is already changing for the better. Enough about me. What I want to say here is that until he really feels the despair of his anger, he won't even be at a point where he can start to deal with it. And from my experience, it will not improve until he himself does something about it.

    4. I guess the best thing you can do to help him is make sure he's aware that anger is normal, but if it seems excessive for the given situation, he's got some underlying baggage. He's not nuts, but he'll be a lot happier in both the short term and the long run if he looks into it, finds out why, and how to best catch those feelings before they turn into anger/rage outbursts. It's really hard to do, but fun to work on when you know what's going on.

    Well, I shouldn't be giving so much advice when I don't know for sure what I'm talking about, so take the parts you like, and forget the rest.

    Some great books:
    Dealing With Your Anger, by Frank Donovan
    The Secret Life of Men, by Steve Biddulph

    Good luck to him and you!

     
    Old 10-12-2004, 11:06 PM   #7
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I agree with all these posts. I recently left a man I loved for 15 years. But he didn't treat me right from the first year. I'd never been with anyone who was always angry before, so it took me a while to figure out that I was being abused in many ways. He took all his emotional problems out on me because I was the only one dumb enough to hang around! What I want to say to you is - they don't get better. They only get worse. Just go out with other men and stay with the one who is kind-hearted. (If you can find one!) MY QUESTION FOR ALL OF YOU IS: Does anyone know why there seem to be SO MANY men with these "anger" problems? Is it hormonal or something? I know there are mean women in the world, but it seems like the mean men out-number the mean women 100 to 1! Thank you if you have an answer!

     
    Old 10-14-2004, 10:14 PM   #8
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I can relate a lot to you committed, my husband is an angry person, when I first met him and we went to his parents, I heard the way he spoke to them and couldn't get over it, I thought it was terrible, now of course he speaks to me in the same way but his folks accepted it, so why shouldn't I? He would never hit me, I know that and I give as good as I get and probably am a lot of cause for his anger, but I am getting over it pretty fast. We have been together for 4 and a half years and over the last 6 months I have been suffering from a panic disorder, nothing to do with him but he doesn't help by belittling my situation. Everything we argue about he immediately turns around to him having no problem and me with everything even to the point of when I say I am going to leave him he puts a guilt trip on me saying that I have used him over the years(to get residency) and makes out he is the only one that is hurting. I have no answers, just support if you need it.

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 07:04 PM   #9
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    Just like the previous posters said....watch it. I got married 9 months ago to a man that I thought was wonderful he never revealed his dark angry side until right after we were married. I feel totally misled. I am 29 years old and make good decisions in my life, I am not some fly by night person. Now I am dealing with his anger issues every single day and its going to lead to us splitting up. I cant take it. I know you care about him but you need to think about yourself. Dont make it hard on yourself when it dosent have to be this way. If he truly loves and cares about you...then he will do something to stop this problem. If he dosent, leave him. Good Luck and I hope things work out for you.

     
    Old 11-11-2004, 09:23 AM   #10
    yvetticus
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    The best thing to do is leave him now before things get worse, and trust me, I know because I have been living it for 6 years, things will get worse. Even if he never physically hurts you, verbal and emotional abuse can have a far more lasting impact on you. You are not the cause of his problem, you didn't create it, and you can't cure it. He will only stop if he recognizes it as a problem and does something about on his own. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve better and move on.

     
    Old 11-19-2004, 06:22 PM   #11
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I am going through the same thing. I posted here before because my Ex drove me to do things like freak out on him because I held it all in, put up with his constant verbal abuse and control issues...now and then when I would drink, I would flip on him because I got brave enough to stand up to him.

    These are some of the things he did to me and I still doubted myself and still loved him:
    1) took me out for brunch and half way through, pulled his chair next to mine and asked me if I would ever have sex with his father.
    2) tried to tell me that it was good for me to have sex with another man, while he watched because it proves my love for him.
    3) when we held hands walking somewhere, he would say '' hold my hand tighter if you want to be with me''
    4) constantly critisized the way I dress saying I was an exhibitionist and that he hates men staring at me.
    5) asked why I did not dye my naturally blonde hair a '' nice brown'' and wanted to know when I was going to get breast implants
    6) accused me of being an alcoholic when I got drinking and crying at the way he treated me...and since rubs that in my face and told me he is breaking up with me because I have a drinking problem. Refuses to acknowlege any of the awful things he has said to me....because '' I deserve it''
    7) broke up with me, told me he can only offer me friendship...yet always tried to kiss me and have sex with me. Called and said '' it's your boyfriend calling'' then reminded me all I was to him was a friend, no more and no less
    And the list goes on and on and on. No matter what I did, how much love I showed him, he would disregard all the disrespect he gave to me and constantly tell me he can't be with me because things I said to him are unforgiveable. I never once said any of the sick things to him that he did to me...and I loved him and forgave him even when he was jealous of the cute black dress and fishnets I wore to my dads birthday and he called me a *****!

    He has tried calling me, and some times he says I love you and I miss you and other times he says, I hate you and you are my ex and I dont' want to be your friend.

    There is no winning with these types and I feel glad I got away because if this was 6 months dating, I can imagine how marriage would be - hell! I recently found out his father abused his mother so badly that she moved to the other side of the world.

    I love this guy remembering all the sweet times, but I know that as much as I miss him, I do not have to constantly defend myself for practically breathing. Stay true to yourself and remember that there is wonderful man out there who will not be so angry

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 07:05 AM   #12
    winter78
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    Re: boyfriend with supressed anger taking it out on me

    I'm new to this board but I know what you are talking about. I was dating a guy who was the sweetest guy and I treated him so bad b/c of my anger problem. He got to the point where he couldn't tolerate it anymore and we are no longer speaking. I exploded on him on many occasions and last week was the final straw for him. Your boyfriend has anger built up inside of him probably when he was younger, he was made fun of and all that anger hasn't been dealt with. I am dealing with that. Things I dealt with in my past made me an angry person and we end up hurting the people that care about us. I believe your boyfriend cares about you but his anger is a hindrance. He needs to seek professional help for this. I am and it is helping me.

     
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