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jerbear 09-24-2004 09:15 PM

So angry, I holler and swear a lot
I am an angry 45 yr. old male who likes to damage things like throwing coffee on the living room wall, smashing the coffee table to pieces, ripping speakers out of things we own, slamming doors,threatening my wife, and constantly hollering at them-even my 10 year old girl. It scares her and my wife and I feel REALLY guilty afterward. I sobered up over 16 years ago now, so i can't blame alcohol anymore. I grew up in a hollering, swearing, violent alcoholic home and I don't wan to do that in my own home, but I do. I have been getting counselling through my EAP and a mental health clinic, but I just can't stop the hollering part. Especially when it scares my little girl SO BAD, not to mention demeaning my wife too. I do it so quickly,without being able to stop and think 1st. Other anger issues, I am practising counsellor steps to control thm better, but the hollerind and swearing part just won't go away.
Any suggestions or directions? Please, no head games. I take this very seriously and believe in reaching out as a 1st step to wanting help.

naturallyme 09-24-2004 09:28 PM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
WOW. You sound like my mom when I was a kid.

When I was feeling really tense and stressed to the point where I felt like I was going to be just like her I went to a hypnotist. One thing she taught me is to [B]sit in a quite place and take long deep breathes[/B]... talk about therapeutic! The second you feel this coming on force yourself to step back and breath deep.
I do it all the time now.

It will take practice

[B]Try taking 10 really deep breaths - with your diaphragm - when you wake in the morning before getting out of bed. And then again before dosing off at night. [/B]
it really does relax you. I also do it when I feel a panic attack coming on.

Remember - You are the only person who can change YOU.
Good luck and happy breathing

Soulcatcher 09-24-2004 09:40 PM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
On this site there are other sites that will direct you to help. You can not post web addresses here so I can't help you there. Here are a few things I wrote down to try and help myself with anger management.....Realizing it is NOT a big deal......2.Calm down and know you can handle the situation rationally.....3.There is a reason you are acting like an ****** and how can you solve it rationally......4.Do not lower yourself to that level.......It is a choice that you make to yell and scream, you have to DECIDE your not going to.
The sad part is the ten year old, I know you know this. I have young children also and I am doing whatever it takes to stop the swearing and yelling. I don't want them to grow up and abuse their children or spouses.
So when you hear yourself yelling and realize it try to just stop and say "I'm sorry". Walk away. I don't know about you but I am stubborn and I have to learn to shut my mouth so I have to teach myself. I am the only one that will change me and the things that I do not like about myself. It takes up to 30 days to get into a habit or routine so start to try. It's all about self-disapline. We can stop this craziness and save the people we love from having to hear nasty things come out of our mouths. The last thing I want to do is scare my children. I wish you the best and if you mess up just try to stop again. Your not going to stop over night, at least your asking for help. Good luck to you and your family.

jerbear 09-24-2004 09:59 PM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
Thanks! Soulcatcher,I really needed to read that.

anger3535 09-25-2004 01:23 AM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
I'm not in any position to tell you what to do, because I'm in the middle of working on very similar stuff myself. I'm 51, and have been angry all my life, ever since some kind of stuff went on when I was very small. All I can do is offer some of my experiences and if you can relate to any, then it might at least help you feel better... ;)

(I'm trying to use the past tense in some of this because although I have a long way to go, I am trying to put things behind me and make conscious changes)

My pattern has been like a volcano: I'd have this underlying frustration pretty much 24 hours per day that would cause daily outbursts of anger that weren't huge, but definitely were more intense than whatever caused them.
Then, after a longer period, like months, or a year or more, I'd have a complete "eruption" that caused me some large amount of despair. My most recent one was cussing out a manager at work in an unbelievable rage, then quitting my job.

I knew at an early age that I wasn't making it working around other people. I didn't really look into myself enough at the time, and I just ended up working for myself in a small business for most of my adult life. I could have a few employees, but wasn't too good at helping them with their problems, like a good manager would be. I was too self-involved. I was a Radio/TV repairman. There were a number of times when I would have to fix stuff that I had broken when I threw it at the wall or on the floor. I remember one time in particular where I just couldn't find the problem with a car stereo. It ended up in very little pieces on the floor, and I felt so bad, I found a new one at a store, bought it, and changed it out with the other one and told the owner I fixed it. :D I finally got out of the business, thinking that I would feel better, but that wasn't really the problem, obviously.

I have always had a habit of remembering bad things that happened to me, and cussing myself out under my breath because I didn't react to a situation like I should have. It usually had something to do with my "being a man." For example, 25 years ago I was sitting at a table in a bar and some guy spilled my drink on my lap. I was sure he did it on purpose, but I just left, rather than stand up for myself. That was 25 years ago! And there are lots more where those came from! ( I wonder if a bulletin board that's just for telling these kinds of stories would be a good idea? There's probably one out there already. It would probably be a great place for people like us to unload some old baggage. And see how many others have similar junk.) My wife hears me swear under my breath, and she knows right away what's going on. She tries to stop me from doing it, but she thinks it's kind of funny that I still beat myself up for little tiny stuff from way back. She's been much more giving to me than I have to her in our 12 year marriage. ( But I'm getting better lately ;) )

There is still some crusty spaghetti sauce in the corner of the dining room ceiling at this house I'm in from four years ago! My wife would never clean it up because she wanted me to always see it there, and clean it up myself. That's funny. I just remembered this now. I'm going to clean it tomorrow. ;)

My six year old son has been showing definite signs of copying my anger and yelling, etc. I'm determined not to pass this along to my kids. My 11 year old daughter has been so scared that she has become [B]too[/B] nice. She asks if I would like her to bring me this or that, she keeps saying, "sorry" for every little thing just so I won't get mad. All this has really come to my attention after I quit this latest job. I was completely kaput. But it made me take a deeper look, and I'm hoping I won't revert. I'm trying everything I can to change things. I'm involving both my kids, and my wife too. I'm making it publicly known among my family that I don't want to be angry any more, and we're keeping it an open thing among us. We are all feeling so much better already, even after only a couple weeks.

I have "been here before" where my anger caused me enough despair to want to work on it, but I eventually reverted and forgot to work on it. So I'm very suspicious of myself and am determined to overcome it this time. So far I do feel better about it. We'll just have to keep at it and see what happens.

One time I had a blowup at work that didn't end up in me quitting, but it did poison a couple relationships at work. My sister told me to see a shrink she knew who would give me prescriptions for Prozac. I did that for a couple of years. I never had to talk much to the shrink, and could use the Prozac to take a little of the "edge" off so I could control myself a little better. That did do some help, but it never gets rid of the underlying causes, and they always come back. I was on Prozac when I had this last blowup where I quit. It seems like it just contributes to the building up of the "lava" under the volcano. :D

Well, all this writing is great therapy for me, but I hope it helps you in some way. I could write a book.... hmmmm..

One last thing, speaking of books. I've been reading a lot about anger, etc. There are a lot of books out there on the subject. Some seem to be geared towards "quick-fixes" and making money for themselves (I suspect) than totally giving. But here are two that have had a big impact on me so far:
[U]Dealing With Your Anger[/U], Frank Donovan
[U]The Secret Life of Men[/U], Steve Biddulph

If you run across a website or bulletin board like I was talking about above, be sure and post it.

agentalias 09-28-2004 10:07 AM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
Have you guys tried high intensity excerise, for example, boxing or just plain hitting a bag to get out your temporary anger? I do that and it has helped me tremondously. It so lessens your anxiety and stress.

anger3535 10-01-2004 08:06 AM

Re: So angry, I holler and swear a lot
For me, strenuous excersize has been a good way to soothe and calm down. Relieves a lot of the physical stress.

Problem for me has always been in wanting to know why I got so mad in the first place, and the fact that it always seemed to be out of my control. It was just there, and it was too late to prevent negative results a lot of times.

I think I watched a movie about Freud once or twice that convinced me that if I could just find the "why", the "secret in my past," that I would be miraculously cured! This seems to go along with my dream of having an epiphany of some sort, inventing some fantastic invention, and becoming instantly rich and famous. I guess I got this idea from a movie where Spencer Tracy played Edison, and one where Don Ameche played Alexander Graham Bell - I must have watched those movies a hundred times.

I hope others out there have similar histories, because I would hate to think I'm the only nut around here... :D

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