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I've never been so angry in my life! How do I stop obssessing?

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Old 01-08-2003, 06:44 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Marlborough MA
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star44 HB User
Angry I've never been so angry in my life! How do I stop obssessing?

Hello first of all. I have always been an easy going happy person. I am 44 and have 2 children who depend upon me. I have a huge problem that I cannot seem to get over. It is with my only sibling who is 8 yrs older than me. She moved away from us when I was 8. She lived her own life 1000 miles away visiting Mom once in a while, but they would talk every Saturday. I on the other hand lived a few miles from Mom, we had a wonderful relationship, except I did give her some typical teenage problems.

Well, mom became ill 3 yrs ago, her diagnosis was brain cancer with 6 months to live. My sister flew up and made a will 50/50, and since the house Mom bought 9 yrs ago in cash with my grandmother who is 93 and feeble, the deed was in both their names 50/50 at the time. My sister talked them into putting Moms share in our 2 names, and my nanas share which was 50% in my sisters name for estate purposes because my nana had been living in assisted living for the past 9 yrs. As soon as they bought it, my Mom decided that is where nana should go, and she was 84 and went along with it.My sister was supposed to watch nanas assets and do the right thing when the time came, WELL, SHE HASN'T.

My sister has hated me since I was born and from afar has caused me much pain, I have tried for years to figure out why, mom said she was jealous of me, but I;m sure it must be because I was just born. She is the complete opposite of me, I am honest, fun loving, forgiving, loyal etc. As far as I know now, I can see by her actions, she seems to have no concious.

Mom lived for 2 more yrs alone in her house. I traveled for a living then I would come over and help her shop etc, as she went blind in 99. We had a lawsuit going on for 2 yrs because they gave her 30 doses of brain radiation, and she never had cancer it was a stroke all along, she deteriorated with brain radiation necrosis, dying of the brain tissue, and kept having stroke after stroke.

Well, she passed away this Sept. My sister split her ashes in 2 because she couldn't stand the thought of spreading moms ashes with me. Then she flew up to MA and took everything out of moms house, even though my name was on the deed she would not give me a key until she was safely on the plane back home. Well, she picked up nana and they spread the ashes on a mountain. My ashes came in a plastic baggie from an undertaker in Fl, when I specifically signed a notorized form that stated I wanted an urn. I cried for days. After a few days she dropped nana off. Nana called and said she was hiring a truck to bring everything to Fl. Well, the next day I went over, everything was gone. That day we recieved the key and a copy of the will stating that my Mom left everything to her and me nothing. Some slimy lawyer who knew mom was not cognitive let this happen. mom had severe dementia and had hallucinations and didn;t know what day it was and was very confused. My sister took her dignity and spirit away,it was definite elder abuse psychologically, all for personal gain and hatred. It seemed that she had changed the will, she still thought she was going to be a millionare from the lawsuit that never did get filed after 2 yrs of the lawyers working on the case.Malpractice is hard to prove and the case was not clearly winnable. (I don't get it)

Well, now it was time to sell the house, my sister had taken care of Mom her last yr, she was POA.We sold the house and she pocketed 90,000 of my Nanas money!!!! There is one other grandchild, and me. Nana was very confused, although she is 93 and cannot stand up to my sister, she does realize that it morally is her money though.A few months ago nana said she wanted to split her half with the 3 grandkids, well no way would my sister let that happen she wanted it ALL! My sister took nana for the holidays, sent my 2 kids 5$ in an envelope, which nana always gave them 50. She brainwashed my mom now she was working on nana. I threatened her to call the ssa because the money legally should go to the state, then she told my nana i was trying to throw her out in the street. Now, she has told Nana that she will give her money anytime she wants it but we all know that is not true. She refuses to speak to me, always has, she beleives she is the only one who deserves the money, she said we couldn't give it to nana since she was in assisted living or she would just shove it under the mattress.

I recieved 40,000, 25% of the sale, she got 125,000 which 90,000 was nanas. It is now in her bank account. It is not the money as much as the hurt that I feel like I am disowned. When mom died, at the house my sister left a box of my life with everything I had ever given my Mom pictures, music boxes etc. its like I never existed at all. My Mom loved me and my kids, I'm positive of this, everyone who knew her knows that she would never change her will in her right mind.

Now, I am faced with ANGER every single day, depression, thoughts of revenge, legally I cannot do anything. I want to picket her employment or on her road, she is a real estate agent, I need some satisfaction I feel like I am going to lose it!I'm just not sure what is legal. I go to church and pray, I know what goes around comes around, this is something I would never do to anybody, even if I wasn't fond of them, but to do this to your only sibling just dumbfounds me and shocks the hell out of me. I have been to my psychologist and I know I have to move on, I have never been so angry and I know now what hatred is all about.This is going to ruin my life if i let it , these feelings and pain goes on every day, i can barely make it to work, i am *****y, moody and it already has created a problem in mmy life this has been going on for 3 yrs. Mom was suffering, while my sister was lying to her to get her to hate me.

Help!!!!!!!!!! Any advice at all or thoughts on this, this life is miserable! Thank you for reading and I'm sorry it was so long. Star44

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Old 01-08-2003, 11:53 PM   #2
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AmberDoo's HB User

Star!Sweetie,I have lost my Father to money problems also.I regards to my Grandfathers,will,my Grandmothers will,and Grandfathers car,that my own father made me buy from him.Life is short.You can't make your sister love you,Karma will come back x3,so do not do her harm.I do believe kids do what they see,so you MUST not let them see this anger.I do not speak to my father since the will.4 years ago.To me he is dead,and after 2 years of wasted crying,I am OK with this now.We were closer than any father,daughter.He see's I am the problem,and blames me always.Your sister does the same,I am sure.Enjoy love with,whom loves you.Hugs.

Old 01-09-2003, 11:33 PM   #3
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TonyTone HB User

I don't know. Maybe you should speak to a lawyer and see what they think. You may have a case. You were screwed royally, and it just doesn't seem right that there is absolutely nothing you can do legally.

Other than that, you have every right to be mad. I know I would be. And something as wrong as this will take time to get over. Take it at your own pace. Don't feel weird if a year from now your still angry, some people it can take a decade to get over. Just try not show this anger in front of your children. You sound very reasonable, and I'm confident you'll kick this thing.

Remember time heals all wounds.

Old 01-13-2003, 06:51 AM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Marlboro, Mass
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starr HB User

Thank you for your replies. I have my good and bad days. I have to bring my Nana her x-mas presents and I want my husband to bring them because I feel disowned from her now.I'm still angry, and I feel even at her age she does know what is going on. Friends say she is old and feeble and confused, but I told her everything about what happened with my sister. She says my Mom would never take me out of the will, she saw all of Moms belongings that my sister took when she went to Fl for the holidays! She knows my sister has 90,000 of her money!! Why is this happening? I do not understand how a sibling could do this!

Old 01-13-2003, 07:28 AM   #5
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openseason HB User

First of all these things happen because there are evil people and good people. Now the will had to be filed and you had to receive a copy. You also had to receive notice and accountings of the value of the estate during the probate. If you never received copies of these documents you may have a legal remedy. Cetain procedures must be followed during probate.

Old 01-13-2003, 03:09 PM   #6
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Hi Star,
I am new here, but I just wanted to say I read your post and I think it is so wrong what your sister did to you. The best thing you can do is to not to let your sister bring you down, but definetely look into legal actions for the lagality of the issue, but as far as the hurt and anguish just remember what goes around comes around. People like that have so much anger inside them that they have to take it out on someone and since money was involved it had to be you and you. Just remember your mom for the way she was before your sister got involved, and try and look past your Nana and the mess your sister is creating with her. Just love her and let her know this.

Old 01-14-2003, 06:34 AM   #7
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Marlboro, Mass
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starr HB User

Thank you everyone for your replies. I knew this was about good and evil, and she is truly evil. So much has happened, so many hurtful situations. When my Mother was dying in her home, she let me come say goodbye to my Mom. I flew down there, Mom was in a coma. My sister said she would not stop men from saying goodbye to Mom, but that she didn't mean to be hateful, but that when I came I had to sleep at a hotel. Well, excuse me. I would never be like that, but thinking it over, why would I ever want to stay there??? Well, after seeing my Mom, my sisters friend came by. This woman stuck her nose where it didn't belong!! She started saying to me as my Mom lay dying "You could of helped your sister out this past year!!! You did nothing to help her". I told this woman that if she had any suggestions of what I could of done to help, first of all my sister forbid me in her house for years!!! I also have 2 small children, my sisters kids are almost 30!!I also told her that it was not Godlike to get involved in family issues that had alot of history that she knew nothing about, and that she should mind her own business!! Well, I left after an hour. This woman said my mother was like her family,(Mom had only stayed with my sister for the last yr). She stayed with me for awhile, but I had homecare and 2 kids and Mom had been through so much, she wanted none of that, and I truly understand.My sister turned the whole thing around on me saying I did nothing for Mom!!!! Can you imagine the gall of this woman? Then they started saying how cognitive Mom was, yeah when they laughed together in a dementia stae of mind, (I guess my sister told her they cut me out of the will). My Mother's brain was mostly all white matter!! She was only lucid at rare times! Like my husband says, it was the perfect disease for my sister to step right in and brainwash and take advantage of my poor Mom, she planned all of this, she even wrote me an e-mail saying that she will close the door on me forever after Mom is gone. Well, I never had a real sister anyway, and the sad part too, is Moms only wish before she went that my sister and I would be friendly to each other. Now she is on another plane seeing all of this and it disgusts me. This woman is so warped that when my Mom sent Valentines to my little kids last year my sister told me she had to hide them from her 2 thirty something kids so not to hurt them since in her view Mom never did ANYTHING for them. None of this is true. Mom treated her 4 granchildren equal and sent presents to them all through the years!! It just killed my sister to have to send anything to my kids!! How warped!

She moved from MA when she was 20, she never had any real friends, couldn't really get along with people, always never a nice word to say about anyone! She has made a few friends down in Fl, but I guess they are blind. My sisters own Godparents who live up near me have disowned her, they were my Moms best friends, and when my sister started with all the LYING, they were so disgusted, they never spoke to Mom again. Mom had talked to them one day and was saying vile lies in their opinion, and they thought the whole thing was so sad and it upset them so much, they told me it was not my Mother saying these things and that my sister instigated all of the lying, they were so upset because my Mom was their best friend for 70 yrs!! Like I said, my sister took my Moms dignity away. Trust me, if I was rich, I would of brought her to court and proved what she did,it is morally so wrong, who cares about the $$ at this point!!, but it wasn't worth it to consume my life.My sister also stole 2 CD's that were put in my Moms name but were really my Nanas, they put them in Moms name for estate purposes only. Yeah, I can blow her in to Medicare since the profit she recieved should go to the state. Guess she doesn't even care about fraud, her sister, nobody but herself!!

Thank you for letting me vent, everyday gets a bit easier, butI have to stop myself when the tapes start playing in my head. I'm still upset with my Nana, don't know what to say or do about that situation, I tell my Nana what she has done, then she just lies again. Its so ironic. I knew deep inside that she had something up her sleeve when Mom was sick. She kept telling Mom I was greedy. She sent me e-mails stating we would both share in everything equally. I am so honest and trusting I believed her, or at least wanted to and talked myself into believing her. I guess I could just not imagine someone being so hateful.Well, I was right all along, she was the greedy, decietful, liar! Things will get better, just not sure on what to do. Thanks for listening Starr

Old 01-14-2003, 07:37 AM   #8
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NewMe HB User

Definitely, what goes around , comes around. It may be 1 day or 20 yrs from now. Rest assured all evil meets evil. Your sister will get her day at the pearly gates to explain her life. That in itself is the greatest satisfaction of all.

Now, for your sanity. Id say, good riddance. Its not worth it, the mental and physical pain it brings you. Your sister uprooted her family many years ago,, you were the 'bond', now she's turned that around to benefit her. She has no concious, no morals, no heart. Wash your hands clean of this situation. Maybe write your nana, if you think the sister will intercept the letter, drop it to her personally. Do you have older children, maybe they could convey the message. Just let her know you love her, and cant understand what is transpiring in life, but just let her now how you feel about her. Make sure she knows its not the money thats the issue, its the money hungry low class sister that has attributed such pain between yourself your mom and your nana. Say your peace, regardless, it may be your last chance at this.
Peace to you and yours

Ps/ Im also down here in FL, here names not Leslie is it lol.

[This message has been edited by NewMe (edited 01-14-2003).]

Old 01-14-2003, 08:52 PM   #9
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chiron HB User

An aphorism:

"To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have." -- Unknown

Familywise I think it took a lot of courage for you to post this experience regarding the death of a parent and the relative chaos that you feel resulted in your family affairs.

Many years ago an older person once told me that you never really get to know someone as they truly are until such time as you get into their pocketbook, and that includes your family members.

The sudden interest and control you have mentioned by a remote older sibling is what comes from the age old attitude of the biblical "First Born" and the quasi-legalistic right of progeniture, a begetting of or by birth.

It is very difficult not to be angry over a death and dying experience with a parent or sibling(s), simply because you do have a life investment of participation, anticipation and expectation in these family matters as a follower of the established status quo.

Anger in these family matters is nothing to be ashamed of, and may be a very positive and healthy emotion in the long run, especially if it is life-enhancing and life-preserving, if not self-educating. In terms of birth order, the second born is characteristically the caretaker of the mother.

Truly identify with your anger as an honest appraisal of your emotional experience and recognize that you are not alone in these family matters.

In sympathy with your account I likewise had a similar experience happen to me a couple of years ago when an aging parent died and an older sibling attempted to dictate and dominate the family affairs of estate.

There were many personal and family complications prior to our mutual parent's death, and afterwards, because our parent had played the money-manipulation game thoughout our lives and had created many deceptive illusions on many levels of promise and denial.

Promises of money, as it turned out, were nothing less than a substitute for "Poor Parenting," a case of entitlement deprivation gathered during the Great Depression. In essence, money was withheld as a substitute promise for a withholding love, a means to hold on to, to hold up, and to hold out to the very end in exchange for love as loyalty.

As offspring, there were those who felt their payments and recognition were long overdue, well beyond middle age, not knowing just how to collect on the bankrupt emotional and financial indebtness created throughout the years.

At our parents death, "GREED" for anticipated and expected payment ran rampant, and that includes the legalistic money game. I believe you will always be dis-appointed in the outcome of these legalistic family and monetary matters.

Knowing that such monetary conflicts were always self-defeating, I chose to stay clear of the impending death and dying complications as much as possible. I watched as the first born attempted to undermine the position of the last born, the favorite son.

The perception of power over others is very enticing, as power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, make no mistake about this fact of life. The power hungry are trying to fill a need that they have not been able to fulfill on their own.

In terms of skullduggery there are those who will stoop to nothing to achieve everything if they feel they have an inherited right to do so in a living trust, especially if the trust design is hidden, remote, and relatively unspoken.

In my own evaluation "after-the-fact" of occurrence, the parental-sibling emotional-money game is a game of "Empty Promises," legal and otherwise.

Speaking personally, there comes a time in one's life when the opportunity to take responsibility for your life becomes paramount. I have learned from my personal experience, heartfelt as it was, that there is only one person who is truly responsible for what happens to you in your life, and that is yourself.

The moral of my experience advises me to learn to take care of yourself first, regardless of what others may do or say on behalf of your personal welfare and upbringing. I believe that this position in life is called personal maturity, the assumption of personal responsibility for what happens to you, and this comes only through experience gained.

In short, if anyone should ever ask, "What is an egg without a bacon?" -- I suggest this answer, "About fifty cents"...or whatever the going price is at that peculiar moment, "IF" you are in the know.

[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 01-15-2003).]

Old 01-16-2003, 06:52 AM   #10
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Marlboro, Mass
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starr HB User

Thank you again for discussing my problem. Last night on the way to work, I started thinking of what she really did, and I got very depressed and very angry. To me, what she did, is just a step above rape or murder.(morally) I know what hate is now, and i don't want it in my life, it is a terrible emotion.I have never hated anyone before, and I don't want to hate her, how do I get rid of this emotion? I hope my anger can be used in a healthy manner, but I don't know if I'll ever get over this emotionally, I have never been so hurt in my whole life. I have nobody now except my 2 small children who need me and an unsupporting husband. I feel like my sister took my whole life with my mom and threw every momento in a box, she threw my whole life and relationship with mom in a box. Now I see why she said she would "close the door on me forever" after we sold Moms house, of course, because she knew what she did, what she planned and that it would be the most hurtful thing to me and I would never want to speak to her again, so she turned it around.

I have been asking for 35 years why she has hated me. I never got an answer, I know I never will. That is hard enough to live with. Its unbelievable the chaos that has gone on for the past 3 years until my Moms death, her vile lies, her manipulations, I didn't even eat last summer because of what was going on, I just kept praying, and I couldn't take care of myself, I literally was on the floor from depression.I fed everyone but myself!! I have never been this way ever!!! I am strong, happy go lucky, bubbly, easy to talk to, honest and a real person. I have many friends who care, but how long are they going to listen to me about this, and do they truly understand this pain??

If Mom was here in her right mind she would be devastated. I was the baby of the family, my sister 9 yrs older, and Mom lost 2 stillborns between us, so I was really wanted, I was spoiled, and I was always the needy one, asking Mom for advice etc. I think this is maybe where her hatred stems from. But she is the one who moved away from our family, she doesn't even know me as a person and hates me?? I have never done anything to her,she has been lying about me for years, I have been an upstanding citizen, worked at the same job for 15 years, making more money than her, (maybe thats part of it),I don't drink or do drugs, I'm a good mother. When mom got sick, I resigned, and now I'm a flight attendant and a bartender. I've always been able to get back on my feet, just don't know about it this time, emotionally. She even went around saying I got fired when I left my last job, which was another lie. She told my Mom that i used her credit card, another lie. How can somone live with themselves after doing this to your only sibling? I could never look myself in the mirror each day, I would hate myself for hating my own sister and for pulling this.

Well, today my husband is bringing my 93 yr old Nana her x-mas presents. I haven't wanted to see her because I feel like she should stick up to my sister, get her money, and split it the way she wants to. I feel disowned. My nana doesn't have that long left on this earth, I feel very bad of my feelings about her, but the anger takes over, I believe she should of made my sister do the right thing.So now, everything my sister planned has happened. She wrote me out of Moms will, she took everything and left me my Moms clothes. She alienated me and my mom, now she did the same thing to my nana and me. This is just what she wanted. She took my whole life and trashed it.She even attached a letter to moms will. It started with "I don't have to tell you how much mom loved you and your kids, but that had nothing to do with how she wanted her will". That is another lie. She left me my Moms rosary beads which I gave her and said "maybe I can get some comfort from the beads since that was one of Moms prize possessions."

I do want to emphasize that with all the bad memories of the last 3 years, I do have wonderful memories of my Mom when she was healthy, and our love for each other. She was the best Mom and grandmother, she loved me and my kids so much she would worry about us constantly. Maybe thats another reason, or maybe I should stop trying to figure out WHY?

I also can't fathom how her husband got involved with her greediness and hatefulness. He was always a nice guy, but a true redneck and not that intelligent. She manipulated him too I guess. This is actually her third marriage, she stole him from her friend across the street, yes, a neighbor. He was always family orientated, he has 2 kids himself, one that my sister forbid in the house for 15 years. He still went along with this?? Don't these people know the difference between right and wrong, and how can they manipulate elderly, sick family members (their own Mother?), and take this action against a family member? Don't they feel guilty?? His mother died a few years back, and he said that my Mom was his Mom now. Give me a break.

I'm sorry for venting, I just don't see how these people can live with themselves. Thank you for listening starr

Old 01-16-2003, 12:37 PM   #11
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Location: Marlboro, Mass
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starr HB User

I finally feel some relief! I got some of my anger out! I called my sister, left a long message. I told her that she cannot go around hurting people and expect no reprocusions. I talked to nana today and she thought it was horrible what had happened, but she is too old to stand up to the manipulator. I told her that if there wasn't a check for me and my cousin (the other grandchild) by next Friday that I have many options for retaliation.I told her I will blow her into the SSA on Friday(the money should of gone to the state for nanas care in assisted living) I told her I will come down to her town, picket her workplace, send e-mails I will do everything in my power legally to let everyone know that she took advantage of her sick elderly family.I said that she cannot get away with this and that she will have wished she was born honest. Do I think she will part with any of the money? No, I guess not because of her greediness. but at least I told her what I thought, and i am not this meek little wall flower victim, that just turns the other cheek!! I'll let you know what happens if anything. What do you guys think I should or should not do, I;ll be living with this forever, if she does the right thing, I can let it go!!! STARR wishful thinking

Old 01-17-2003, 07:25 AM   #12
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chiron HB User

If you are looking for validation of your personal experience, the Internet can be an awesome learning experience in self-realization and self-development as a healing process.

You may find your "Profound Personal Observations" clearly recongnized in the following fields: Conflict Analysis (an example being the work of, Albert Levis), Emotional Intelligence (an example being the work of, Daniel Goldman), and Justice and Freedom (an example being the work of, Gerry Spence). There are many other professionals who are now adding to these developmental fields.

An Internet search as information gathering will aid you greatly in resolving your feelings as "anger management," a conflict resolution process.

[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 01-17-2003).]

Old 01-24-2003, 10:12 AM   #13
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friendlione HB User

I don't think anyone could have said it better than chiron.
Please reread what he/she said and dwell on it. Let it sink in.

I want to share what I see, as another way of looking at the issues you are so angry over. It may give you something different to think about and help you manage your anger.

Your sister may hate you, may have manipulated the money to her advantage. She may be truly evil, I don't know.

BUT just going by what you have written here, I think you would do well to consider why you are still the needy one? I would be happy to get anything, and not angry that someone else got more. That is just me, though.

You know, no one is manipulated without their own permission. Your mom and nana make these decisions because they are weak people. THEY did not protect you or stand up to your sister in your behalf.
This is a family problem alright, but it isn't all about your sister.

I see it like this...your own mother fostered division and bad feelings in you toward your sister, by telling you that she was jealous of you! HOW RUDE of your mom to tell you that! Even if your sister was jealous, it was mean to tell you! You could not fix it.

You are idealizing your nan and mom, because you needed something from them. But they helped your sis and you be who you are today. Griping about the other one to each of you did not foster love and devotion between you.

I think your mom wanted each of you to adore her, not each other.

I am positive your mom filled your sister's head with her opinions about how you felt toward your sister, exactly like she did it to you.
Your mom disowned both of you by creating a chasm between you. She said one thing to your faces and did another behind your backs.

Think about why you did not step in and assist your mom in her financial affairs? I am not correcting you, just saying you had that opportunity, knowing how bad off she was. Even though you had reasons for not doing it, your sister is the one that took the initiiative.

I think you wanted and still the money as bad as your sister, but didn't do what was moral, rational, and legal when the opportunity existed.

Your sister feels like she is the one that stepped in and helped, because she DID, and you even admit that you really were not in a position to help. Can you imagine how that looks and felt to your sister?
You can't imagine the stress and expense of dealing with all of these things. And so you visited and did what you could...good for you, but from the outsider's point of view, so what? She needed much more than that. You could have been in contact with your sister, offering help, or at least moral support. You could have initiated a family powwow on the hard issues while your mom was cognizant.

How can you say you lost everything in relationship to your mother? Your relationship to her doesn't depend on money or things. You can't lose your mom, OR your sister. They are still your mom and sister. YOU choose how you relate to them.

I can see you have not looked at the whole picture.

Imagine our surprise when my mom needed cared for, when each of six kids (my siblings and I) discovered that our mother had bad-mouthed the other kids to each one of us and privately told each of us that she was depending on us to take care of her in her old age. It created an uproar when she finally needed help. Each of us thought we were the one most special to mom, and that we were to have the say in how matters went.

Then the truth came out, and rather than attack each other, we ganged up on the sense that we saw she was trying to control each of us and so, WE appointed who should do what. It was rocky but it worked.

Perhaps if your mom was in her right mind to begin with, she would have taken care of her finances herself, and spoken to both of you together openly about what she wanted for each of you. But she didn't take her responsibility toward her daughters. She left both of you to flounder.

Now your nan is doing the same thing.

The way you demanded money sounds like you are a threat to your nan, now. I don't blame you for the confusion and anger and frustration. But there is a way to deal with these things that others here shared with you.

One thing I may not have gotten right, but it seems like your sister invested her own money into this estate, and if so, then the remains would not at all be split fifty-fifty.

I think you should back off and find out all the facts before you mess with what seems to be your nan's only way to stay out of a rest home.

Your mom's money and your nan's is not yours in any way that you should be carrying on about it.

It never was your money. You can care all you want about what happens to it, but it isn't yours to decide how it is used.

I think you should work at understanding your sister, and I am sure you will not agree about everything, but I am also sure that there are many issues you don't know about.

Freaking about money every time you talk too your nan makes you look like someone she should be protected from. I am not saying you are, just what it makes you look like.

Why not be honest and admit you want a bigger inheritance? Ask Nan to put it on paper.

If you don't even have the resources to do that, then why fuss over it? Then again, if I just got $40,000, I would spend every penny to help my nan out of a bad situation if I believed that is where she is. Your sister obviously spent her own money to get where she is.

If you would not call Social Services if the money was coming to you, then why call on your sister? That is not being moral.
Blackmail is illegal, you know.

As for your sister's attitude, that is not your problem. Yours is. Recognizing this is the first step to dealing with our own anger.

Our own attitude is the only one we can change.

This is just to give you another point of view.

[This message has been edited by friend (edited 01-24-2003).]

Old 01-25-2003, 06:26 AM   #14
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Marlboro, Mass
Posts: 76
starr HB User

Just to make things clear. My Nana is 93 and living in assited living where she cannot have any money. She lives right near me and has wonderful friends that are her cohorts, they all help each other out, we should all be so lucky to be where she is at this age.If she had to go in a nursing home, the state would pay since my sister and mother hid her assets 3 years ago.

Also, my sister, changed my mothers will when my mother was not cognitive.It was 2 months after she moved down to FL.Mom would be turning over right now if she knew and in my view she does know.Yes, I was the favored one, but its not my fault of the birthing order and how i was emotionally closer to my mom. My mother has lived 10 minutes from me for all of her 71 years, my sister moved away when she was 17 and she is now 53 with grown children.My mother only lived in Fl for her last year of illness and she was sick for 3 years. When Mom had a major stroke on a Sunday, my sister never showed up at the hospital until Friday! I do agree that my Mother shouldn't of put my grandmothers assets in my sisters name , it is only traditional to let the oldest one do the business.Whatever my mother said for my nana to do she would just go along with it, especially since she was 90 at the time. The money was there for her to watch, not keep. She will not let my nana give her own money to who she wants to, she took it all for herself.

It is not all about the money.When mom died, my sister flew up, took everything of my mothers, paid a truck to bring it to FL, what was left was a box of "my life", my relationship with my mom. All pictures of my family, all presents that I have ever given to my mother my whole life!!Anything that had to do with my relationship with my mother was in a box.Now, when it comes to the money, she just feels it is all hers to keep. My nana is upset but cannot deal with her because she is powerless over such a manipulator and a liar.My sister has lied for years.A sociopath has no concious. My sister split my Mothers ashes in 2 because she couldn't bare to spread them with me and my 2 children! She couldn't even be with me for 1 day! To me it is disgusting to have such hatred for anyone let alone part of your family. when my father died in 1980, she never even flew up, well, she had little kids then.

What I believe is that demons have taken over her spirit. I do not believe that the most powerful one wants us to act in this manner. Living on this earth is about love and helping others. My sister hates everyone. Her own Godparents won't speak to her, they think she is the most horrible person, and she is.

No, a check never came, and I never expected it to. But if that was me, and we all cannot put ourselves in others shoes, i would split everything, even if I wasn't particulary fond of my sister. I never knew what hatred can do to a person. I don't want to know how to hate. I now know what it is about. My husband says it because I was hurt so badly, that is where the emotion of hate comes in. Well, I still have no idea what I ever did to my sister after my 44 years of living to have her do this to me. Before she came up to empty my mothers house she sent me an email and told me to stay away from the house because SHE was up here with her family and needed closer for mom. Well what about us??? What about all the years I spent with my Mom??? What about her grandchildren, my daughter who is 11 that my mother loved more than life itself???

This whole situation is mostly about hurting others. It is also about what can happen within a family when a parent dies. It should never of been like this.

I just want to clarify one more thing. My Mother was with my sister her last year for a reason, God knows. I could not help my sister because she would not let me. She wouldn't speak to me, she constanly said lies about me to my mother.I also have 2 children, 2 brand new lives that depend upon me. i left my job making 75,000 when my mother became ill a year before she went to live with my sister. I was doing everything for mom. She lived with me only for 3 months, she wanted no more care!!She stayed at her own home as long as was feasible. My sister would follow her wishes and let her sit and smoke all day and waited on her hand and foot this last year. Mom was blind, and had dementia she didn't need to smoke so much. When Mom lived with me we found her hiding cigarettes in her socks like she was going to try to light up when we were not in the room.She really belonged in a nursing home but neither of us wanted to put her there.My sister was going to put her in a nursing home on nov 1st, but mom was gone in Sept. My sister turned everything around to make me look like I was the one who did nothing for mom. First of all, i have anxiety, to see my mother slipping away was hard enough, when mom lived with me, i became ill i couldn't eat or run my household and really be there for my 2 children. It was too much stress on me. It is stressful on anyone, I know, but my sister was always stronger than me, let me put it this way, no emotions, sort of like a robot. I admit I have always been the weaker one, I don't know why. but my sister always said she wished she could be like me because i always get things done, and I find all alternatives to solve a problem. I believe that God put my mother in my sisters home that last year. Even my Mother who wasn't lucid at most times, was looking at me half blind and saying that I didn't look so well. this was meant to be, and I accept it. My Mother knew how much she meant to me and my kids. But the money situation is all about greediness and hatred and lying. She keeps telling my nana that she can have money whenever she wants, its all a lie!! To me, to psychologically brainwash, abuse and elder is one of the worst things anyone can do, it happens all the time in this life. All I know that is when my "life review" is in front of me, God will not be disappointed in me, but I really think my sister will end up stuck in another realm of life.

Again thank you for your opinions. We are all entitled to that. Starr

Old 01-25-2003, 01:42 PM   #15
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friendlione HB User

Didn't you ask how to stop obsessing?
I really don't blame you for your anger.
"hurt feelings" is anger, it is just another way to describe it. These people don't seem to be worth your energy and time. The anger only hurts you, and uses up energy you need for your own family and life. You came here for help with the anger, right? It seems like you may be justifying holding onto it.

The money wasn't given to you to do with according to your thoughts and ways. And your mom and Nan chose it that way, and don't think for a minute they didn't know what your sister is like. They aren't innocent bystanders. They just didn't think she would do it to them. Wills do not get changed by themselves. Not even when a person is incompetent. If that was done, it is illegal and all you would have had to do is contest it.
Contesting is up to you, and if you could not do it, then take that from God too! That is what He wanted for you.

If you think your nan is being cheated, it was she and your mom that set it up that way in the first place, to cheat the government. Perhaps God let this end up this way as a consequence for cheating. What goes around comes around.

They made that choice. They did not trust you with the funds, for whatever reason.

I am not at all saying your sister is fair or moral.
But the three of them conspired to do this. Perhaps they thought you might be too moral to do it! And if you are, you are to be commended.

I don't know your sister, mom, or nan or their side of it, and anyway, I am not God to judge their hearts.

The money is legally your sister's because your mom & Nan gave it to her, regardless if they thought she would share it, or use it differently. They did not want to give it to you to safeguard. For whatever reasons.

BUT, say your Nan IS being cheated by your sister, the money is no longer your Nan's to claim, nor ever was yours to claim.

I would not personally want any part of the money or any of them. They don't seem worth wasing energy on.

Going to see your Nan and talking to her about it at age 93 can't be healthy for her. She can't change any of it. You would do better to let it go and forgive her and enjoy the last bit of time she has left.

OR you can seethe and brew about it longer. I thought you wanted help. You won't feel better until YOU forgive them and let this go.

Going over and over this in your mind, OR here, won't help you quit obsessing over it. You have to mamke the choice to forgive and stop thinking about it. When the thoughts come in, allow yourself 30 seconds to feel sad, then move on to other things in your life.

Ideally families should not be like this, but ideally people should not be dishonest, either, and all of them were.

Be glad you were not part of what they did. But in a way you did benefit, since they gave you the $40,000.

Maybe you need to forgive yourself too, before you can quit being mad, for taking any of it. I can't say. I am just offering help, as you asked for it.

[This message has been edited by friend (edited 01-25-2003).]

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