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    Old 05-25-2006, 01:14 PM   #1
    photonova
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    angry with my 5 year old son

    hey all.
    i get very angry with my 5 year old boy. i only see him every fortnight as i am seperated. I look forward to seeing him but every time he goes back home i feel guilty because i have shouted at him. He is demanding and sometimes rude but no more than any other 5 year old. I really love him and have even left myself little notes tring to remind myself to try not to get angry with him. I never hit him but i do shout loudly at him and i know this is not good. please help.
    thank you
    wayne

     
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    Old 05-30-2006, 01:44 PM   #2
    tootsiepopbreeb
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Hi Wayne,

    I too have a five year old boy and know just how frusturating they can be. I have a couple of tricks that I use to avoid yelling. First, when he is doing something you don't like, take two big breaths... normally this is enough time to calm down. Second, recognize when you are getting angry. If it is because he is not listening than start using a form of punishment. My son would not pick up his toys until I was yelling and screaming, so we started "orange days". If he does not listen after two times of me asking, I give him an orange day. An orange day is where I take a pen a color the calender orange for the next day. Orange days mean that he does not get to do his favorite thing, which for him is playing video games. After a couple of orange days, my son is way more attentive and I do not have to nag anymore. The last tip that I have learned to keep from yelling is that kids do not respond to yelling. If you yell, they yell back.... When you feel yourself getting ready to yell, sing a silly song in your head. My favorite is ABC's. It helps you to focus on something besides your anger and gives you a couple of extra seconds to calm down. Just one more tip.... make sure that after your done yelling, you apologize to your son. Just say that your sorry you yelled and that next time you will try harder. Most time kids will forgive you which will help with the feelings of guilt.

    Hope this helps...
    Bree

     
    Old 06-04-2006, 09:01 PM   #3
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    I also have a young child, an 8 y.o. girl. I find myself getting quite angry at her and yelling and have just started to spank her - I have done this 3 times now. Never had before but nothing seems to work. I have tried many different ways of trying to reason with her but when she is on a tangent I cannot seem to break her out of it unless I either yell or threaten her with a spanking. The threat seems to work but then I'm left with the guilt of feeling like a terrible mother. I don't want to spank her again as I don't believe it works in the long run at all anyway and just makes her insecure, so I am going to try and relax and maybe just walk away when she tries to get negative attention from me.

     
    Old 06-06-2006, 07:38 AM   #4
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Tootsie-

    Yeah we use your stradegies especially about the video games. i used to be a yeller and screamer until i was the only one making my headaches worse! i told myself a couple weeks ago ok i need to have more tolerance towards these kids (Two 8 year old boys and a 10 month old daughter) One of the 8 year olds is mine and the other is a stepson.
    Well the boys put me to the perfect test a day last week. They tend to think they get away with more when the Father is not here. ok maybe true! anyways i repeatedly told them to get ready for bed they were on the stairs messing around. i said "get ready for bed for the millionth time" 2 seconds after that i heard glass shatter! i walked into the family room and looked up the stairs all i could see were legs walking away! i quickly identified them legs as being my son!! haha i took a breath and said "what was that" and he said "dont know" Well finally the truth came out. he threw a tiny ball that bounced OFF a stair and up onto my shelf hainging on the stairway which it then bounced off the shelf and perfectly bounced INTO my glass lamp ontop of the entertainment center ( a very old lamp that i cannot replace). He quickly said "ill start listening" and i noticed what really got to him the most is when i didnt say a word to him. Saying nothing is better then yelling. After about an hour i said "No video games tomorrow i love you goodnight sweet dreams" and he said if he would of listened my lamp wouldnt of gotten broken and i said "you are right" so it does help taking a breath but WOW its hard!! My 10 month old even shakes her head no and laughs at me. Times are hard but in the end i wouldnt change it for anything.

     
    Old 06-28-2006, 03:27 AM   #5
    prowler2332
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stacey-ann
    I also have a young child, an 8 y.o. girl. I find myself getting quite angry at her and yelling and have just started to spank her - I have done this 3 times now. Never had before but nothing seems to work. I have tried many different ways of trying to reason with her but when she is on a tangent I cannot seem to break her out of it unless I either yell or threaten her with a spanking. The threat seems to work but then I'm left with the guilt of feeling like a terrible mother. I don't want to spank her again as I don't believe it works in the long run at all anyway and just makes her insecure, so I am going to try and relax and maybe just walk away when she tries to get negative attention from me.
    It does work. You said so. Dont beat her but a good spank will help her become a strong person rather than a brat in the depression forum.

     
    Old 06-28-2006, 11:17 AM   #6
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Here is what do do: Get, borrow, or check out a book called The Power of Positive Parenting by Dr. Glenn Latham. He teaches you skills that behavior analysts use to shape behavior that are tailored for improved parenting. This does go to the heart of problems and teaches you how to fix child behavior problems ranging from basic to moderate in severity - all done in a very positive way.
    Also play therapy the art of the relationship by Dr. Garry Landreth is excellent (Landreth will teach you a basic and easy way to communicate with your children in an accepting and highly empathetic fashion *notice this does not tell you how to fix your childs problems but improves your communication so that your child knows he or she is loved, understood and cared for which is important*). Dr. Phil's Family First is good too. Remember you do not want to have another child with ADHD and behavior problems. If you ruin his self esteem now which is easy to do at that age then that will happen as a consequence. Also you do not want him being a troubled teen ager in trouble with the law or at school which is common these days. Being a good parent first- learning some new skills regarding what behavior analysis and child centered therapy has to offer will most likely help you a lot. And Dr. Phil always has some good modern day average guy advice for families that I find helpful most of the time.

    Last edited by strongernow; 06-28-2006 at 11:27 AM.

     
    Old 06-28-2006, 12:36 PM   #7
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Your son is gong to have more acting out while dealing with the separation. It's very hard for that young of a child to understand why these changes are taking place. At that age, consistency is so important to them.

    I don't believe in spanking. It only teaches them that it is okay to hit someone smaller than you are. You won't find any violent criminals who weren't spanked as children. Yes, it can stop the behavior but through fear of being hit, not from understanding or controlling their own behavior.

    Years ago, I found an old book at the library called The Difficult Child. Some of the temperment descriptions fit my daughter to a "T'. But I really liked their positive reinforcement techniques and communication skills. I used them for many years. One key technique is never to yell but instead do the opposite. Get at eye level with the child with your face about a foot in front. Speak slowly and clearly but in a low monotone. Do not put any expression into your voice or on your face. Use short clipped sentences and only say what is wrong and what you are going to do or expect them to do. Example: "I will not allow you to run in the store. You will stop now. If you do not stop we will leave the store immediately. You will sit in time out for 30minutes." It takes some practice to remember to speak slowly and in a monotone but this really works and I used it on my dauther's friends who mishaved at our house too.

    Another method is to get a timer. When you feel angry, give the timer to the child and ask them to set it for 3 minutes, 1 minute or whatever. Tell them when the timer goes off, you will both talk about the behavior. Setting the timer distracts the child (they usually sit and listen to it tick) and gives you time to calm down. The timer is also good for when you need to finish a chore but the child is bugging you to play. Ask them to set the timer to 10 or 20 minutes and then you will be ready. Young children can quickly learn the numbers on the timer.

    A lot of the book was about how to turn dreaded activities (like bedtime) into a game and stop all the fussing. They really worked and before long all the tips became second nature for me and made it so easy to manage my tempermental daughter. I don't know if they still print this book but it was a life saver.

    By the way, my daughter is now starting college this fall at a premier engineering institute. She was Star student in high school, president of many clubs, and sat on the board of directors at a bank. That strong-willed nature, when controlled and with learned self-discipline, will turn into the type of personality that leaders need.

    Good luck to you! You and your son are both going through a difficult time but it will get better.

    Susan

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 09:32 AM   #8
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Don'tlikecold is right positive reinforcement is a great way to shape new behavior. You can catch your child doing something right. Whether it be sitting down playing games, watching TV, talking respectfully etc. You instantly give physical affection, verbal praise, or reflecting comments upon those good behaviors. This is the science of behavior analysis and it is so simple and you can learn about it by reading books and use it!

     
    Old 07-11-2006, 07:09 AM   #9
    Liamsmom
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    I guess my boy is a tough nut to crack. I recognize that I'm going through a lot and have been for several years. My son was thought to be autistic and I went through all the evals by myself husband never came or gave support, I went through all the terrible therapies alone, I lost my house because I had to stay home with my son for the therapies, when my son was two they started testing me for bone cancer (thankfully don't have it) but it's a worry because I have to be checked every year to see that said tumor hasn't changed in any way. I realized during this time that my hubby would never change because during all of this he was too busy drinking and smoking weed to be of any help so I told him to take a hike as I've been doing most of the child care on my own anyway. Because of guilt the ex spends his money on buying my son toys and never disciplines so I get to be the monster parent who disciplines makes him go to his therapists, go to daycare go to the playground instead of staying in, makes him eat good food instead of crap,makes him bathe, make him accomplish things in general. I don't treat him with kid gloves because I want him to be confident and be able to get along in the world eventhough he has issues.

    I know I'm his Mom and that's my job and as far as all the therapists Id do all of that over a thousand times because of the outcome, but I just get so bloody exhausted by the constant fight to get my son to listen to cooperate cleaning up his room ,to eat, to take a bath everything is a fight and his Dad is always the good guy and he wants to go live with him and sometimes I want to let him go because I just need a break and I never ever get one so I'm ****** almost all the time and tend to just blow up on top of that I quit smoking my favorite stress reducer in the world. If the boy asks me WHY one more time I think my brain may explode.

     
    Old 07-13-2006, 05:21 PM   #10
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    No matter how hard it gets you need to take a second once he is asleep and just remember you are doing whatís best for your son and your ex is not. Believe me when your son grows up he'll thank you for every thing you have done. Because he will succeed in life and that will be because of you, someone who wanted him to see he can have any thing any thing he if work his hardest, and be any thing he wants if he puts his mind to it. And thatís what your giving your son cause he will see youíre the one who believed in him his whole life so donít give up on him. I know he is young but if you could just sit down with him like my partner and I do with our son, we just let him know if we didnít love him we wouldnít care what he did we would let him do what ever he wanted but we do love him and want what is best for him and thatís why we have rules and responsibilities. I say this cause whatís funny is today our son said to me you know I donít ever want to leave you guys, and I donít mean the things I say when I'm mad. Right there I knew we were doing something right. So when you get really frustrated just remember when your discipline your son he is going to learn from all his mistakes and just so you know I yell at my son to and I know how much it hurts but they know we love them and were trying to do whatís right. But we will always make mistake cause were human. I wish you luck with your son and when he gets older he will remember every thing you have done for him and love you for making him who he becomes.
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    Last edited by caseypup; 07-13-2006 at 05:30 PM.

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 07:58 PM   #11
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Liamsmom, I feel exhausted just reading your post. You must have an incredible inner strength to deal with so many issues. I really admire the way you have refused to resort to unhealthy stress relievers and even have quit smoking. That is so hard but what a wonderful thing to do for yourself and your son.

    Do you have any family or friends who can take care of your son even for a few hours? Does your medical pay for any respite care? Can you ask your local Autism center to see if there are any funds for this? You need to have some time to yourself so you can recharge. I won't go into my life history because it's not about me. But I was in a very stressful situation too when my daughter was young. I lived so far from my family and I had few friends. I didn't have time for one thing and I didn't have any money to even go out for a hamburger.

    It's hard to find time at the end of the day because I bet you are using that time to get chores done. And you're bone tired from the day. What I did was to try and spend one evening like a whirlwind and get as much done as I could. I would cook several dinners to freeze (even precooking hamburger can save a lot of time for spaghetti, sloppy joes, etc) to just nuke to heat up. While I did this, I would run several loads of wash. Each time I carried clothes in to fold and put away, I would stop and clean the bathroom or something. Then a quick dusting and vacuuming, and I had a lot done. Hurried and cleaned the kitchen and hopped into bed. It was tiring on those days but it was also a huge stress reliever because now I had several days of little to no household chores. This meant I could take some time in the evening and soak in a tub with a magazine. Lots of times I kept reading the same page over again because I was so mentally tired. Lighting some cheap dollar store candles made me feel a bit pampered. Then I would do self-massage with lotion. My skin needed it but so did my tight muscles.

    That only took about 30 minutes so I still had some time to just sit and veg in front of the TV or to read a book. But I also decided to take up a hobby. I chose decoupage because it was cheap. I also could have my daughter do some of her own decoupage as it's fast and easy.

    The previous poster gave some good advice about the discipline issues. Stick to your guns. Even if it takes a while, he will reach an age where he realizes which parent he can depend on. For a child, dependibility translates into safety. It might be fun to get toys but he will want that safe feeling he has with you.

    Susan

     
    Old 07-21-2006, 04:33 PM   #12
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Just want to let you Know That I know excatly how everyone feels, I myself Have a three year old little boy who Is my EVERYTHING but I swear he is SO mean I find myself getting so angry I yell scream and NOTHING ever gets through to him nothing. My husbands works evening shift when he is home my son is an angel never gets out of line, then soon as my husband leaves it is like he turns into a monster I will scream at him and then I tell him i am sorry because I feel so bad but I am at the end of my rope, I get so mad I try and keep everything up but as I am cleaning he goes right behild me and messes what ever i cleaned, I smacked him on his butt one time and it did not faze him what so ever he looked at me like what was that. I Just need a break I have no babysitter when my son was 8 months old my mom passed away then 4 month after that my babysitter ( mother n law) Moved 18 hrs away and ever since then it has just been us 247 I can not even go to the bathroon with out having him at my side And on top of that I have re occuring Kidney stone right now I have hundreds of them so I stay sick most of the time, I am in pain just about everyday I am so tried I can never sit and rest when I get sick I just wish I could go in a hospital and let them take care of me so I could get some rest. but i cant because like I said I have no one to take care of him.
    I always wanted to be a stay at home mom Now I find myself wanting to get back to work just to get a break if that makes any sence. Okay I am getting carried away I could go on FOREVER, just wanted to let everyone know they are not alone I do the same things And I wish I could change it

     
    Old 07-30-2006, 03:58 PM   #13
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    Re: angry with my 5 year old son

    Thanks for the responses It's slowed down a little in the battle of the WIlls. I find myself seeing that he is so like me I could just scream. But we've called a truce for the last few weeks. I've always treated any kid I know like a small adult who deserves the truth and I've explained to my son that I have to do so many things that I don't wanna do all the time and some times thats going to include disciplining him or not being able to spend the time I want to with him playing etc and explained why and my son is so cool. There was the few weeks where he was going to ask his new cute and adorable teacher to marry his Dad and be his new mom but thankfully he changed his mind and told his teacher she was outta luck his words not mine

     
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