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    Old 05-29-2006, 05:59 AM   #1
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    Unhappy Anxiety... anger... confused

    I have been with my fiance for 6 years. We got pregnant (well I got pregnant) when we were together for only 6 months). He was upset at first, but then started liking the idea that I was pregnant (I already had a young daughter from a previous broken relationship).

    During my pregnancy, he had a friend who kept trying to put thoughts it his head that I was unfaithful (I never liked this friends, and told him this, but it WAS his friend, and I put up with him) - this would cause fights.

    After I had my son, things went wonderfully. But as he grew, my fiance's patience grew less. He would smack, push, kick my son (not hard, but enough to upset him). I've told him to stop, and he would tell me that nothing was wrong. My son never got actual marks, but it would always bug me.

    He used to train for wrestling, so he was (and is still) a very large man. I have no doubt that he loves me and the kids, he's never hit me, but we would get into fights over nothing. I had child welfare on my rear for a while because of lies from my daughter's side of the family (hence the reason why I broke up with her father when I was 18). I've never done anything more than give my kids a swat in the rear (pants on etc) if I couldn't get them to stop misbehaving.

    From the age of 1, my son had some severe anger and misbehaviour problems (kicked out of 3 daycares within 2 years), one of the daycares had told me about a program that is run in my city by the Salvation Army for children with behaviour and emotional problems. Since my son has started, he has been doing fairly well. He attends a dayhome with an angel of a day-mom. He has only threatened once that she didn't want to take him (too out of control).

    My son would kick our cat for no reason, being his usual bratty self with his big sister... but his mouth is dirtier than a bag of garbage (from dad using bad words).

    I am overweight, I do smoke and have the occasional drink when kids aren't around or in bed, but I'm by no means an alcholic.

    About a year ago, when I would go to bed, I would be up half the night because my heart would feel like it's racing (although when I felt my pulse it wouldn't be pounding as hard as my body felt), I would also feel like every nerve in my body is vibrating. At the time when it first started, I figured it was because of smoking. I tried to quit to see how it felt - it seemed to help a bit, but I still got the occasional racing just as I'm about to go to sleep.

    For the past few years I haven't been interested in sex at all - I'm guessing it has to do with my birth control. But my fiancee likes it every night... whether I'm interested or not. If I don't - I'll have to put up with his whining and deal with fighting all the next day. We've fought about it before, and he woudl apologies for taking me for granted - but then it would start again that night.

    Sex does NOTHING for me - except for the rare time when I have to use toys to help me come to some type of pleasure (but never a complete orgasm). Once he started finding this out, all hell broke lose because he couldn't pleasure me, and would make ME feel bad about it - so I started faking.

    Anyway. I figured that once we moved into a larger plcae, things would get better. My nightime racing was more problematic, but I didn't want to bring it up to him - in the case he would think I was making it up (I have acid reflux... and he would give me the worst time when I first started mentioning it, because he figured I was trying to get attention - I had gotten a trial week with Nexium, and it worked like a charm, but it took almost 3 months to convince him that i really did need it to help me with my 24/7 heartburn).

    Once we moved, my nighttime problems got worse (I figured it would be better). We seem happier now, but we still have the occasional fight, he doesn't treat our son any better, and lately he has been teasing my daughter (she pulls out her eyelashes which makes her look like a poor little cancer patient) horribly about her looks.

    I don't want to sleep at night because i know I'll be awake until 2 or 3 in the morning with these stupid problems.

    Iwork full time at a local college, in a high traffic, high stress area.

    I know some of you are going to say that I am being abused, but I really don't think I am.

    Here is a bit of my history as a child: I was abused by my stepfather as I grew up (Sexual molestation/rape from the time I was 6 until 14, I confronted my father at 14 and told him to stop or I woudl call the police... but he would still grab my rear or breasts - I broke down at 17 in school during a test and told my principal what happened... police got involved, I was called a liar... I barely had any friends, and only one good one that my dad didn't approve of. I was forced on to prozac and forced to see a counselor that my parents saw... which was unfair, but my stepdad refused to pay for me to see any other one). I dropped out of school, moved out and moved in with a boyfriend and got pregnant.

    The boyfriends mother had adored me until I got pregnant - then she tried pushing me down the stairs to make me miscarry. When I didnt, she said she would make every attempt to make sure I never see my baby - OR have it taken away If I ever get to the point of giving birth. I left the boyfriend and got a court restraining order.

    When I had my daughter, she had a severe umbelical hernia that had to be fixed on the day she was born (doctors said this was due to severe stress during my pregnancy). He also said after she had her surgery, she would have problems getting settled on certain foods, and to try her on new things. She was very colicy, and I used to bring her to the doctors for the tiniest things (drove the doctor crazy). I tried so many different formulas until I finally found one that she was good with. Her father would try to take her overnight, but would phone me at 1am to pick her up (I wasn't working at the time, and would have to spend the very little money I had for cabs).

    I tried getting jobs, but couldn't afford the daycare fees. Eventually I got a visit from child welfare, someone had reported that I was not feeding my daughter, and that I was giving her Sambuca (I didn't even know what the heck that was when I was 18!!!) in her bottle at nighttime. The gripe water I had put into her bottle was liqorice flavored (the other option was dill... and my daughter would always spit it out). Without checking with any doctors or the surgeon at the hospital she was at, they took her away and put her into a foster home. I was given the okay to visit her and have "parenting" lessons with the foster mom, until I was deemed fit to take her back (I didn't do drug, and never had a drop of alcohol a day in my life then). I would try to visit, and they would either not answer the door, or they would tell me that they couldn't have visitors.

    Long story short, I found a place to live room and board, 4 months after - the woman who I lived with used to work for child and family services, and noticed that something was seriously wrong. She called, and talked with her old supervisor and I had my daughter back the next week (apparently the foster home was trying to adopt my daughter, but couldn't unless I completely neglected to visit or contact).

    I was in and out of a couple of relationships - one long distance, but nothing worked out, until I met my current fiance. I was in love within 2 weeks of meeting him, and we already agreed to marry.

    I know I haven't had it easy, but I know many many more people have had more problems. I started smoking when I was 12, and had tried to quit a few times. The last time I quit for almost a year and a half, but my fiancee would get my drunk so I could smoke (he always thought it was sexy). But while I smoked, if we got into a fight, he would start telling me that I stink and he wants me to quit "for me, please....". I would break the smokes and throw them away thinking, "fine I want to quit anyway" but then he would freak and go out and buy me more cigarettes.

    I don't speak with my parents (my mother took my father's side of the story, but I'm sure she knows in the back of her head that something was wrong... my entire family refuses to listen to me), but I am VERY close to my fiancee's parents, they have taken me under their wing, if I ever was to break up with my fiancee, I would miss his family terribly.

    My neighbor says I have bad anxiety issues and panick attacks (at work, I'll get very anxious and jumpy, as if someone close to me was gravely injured, I would phone daycares and schools to make sure the kids are okay etc.). I'm going to visit a doctor today.

    Edit: I apologise, I ment to post this in Anxiety... but I have mentioned to my fiancee that he should get anger management, and he would refuse outright saying he doesn't need it.

    Last edited by Tamaralynn; 05-29-2006 at 06:10 AM.

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    Old 05-29-2006, 06:18 AM   #2
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused


    Whether or not you are being abused, etc... You need someone objective to talk with about all this. Try finding a CODA 12-step meeting in your area. That is Co-dependents Anonymous. That way, whatever choices you are making in your life, you hear what others like you are dealing with, and share your experiences with them, if you wish. I know that many people like you feel like they are being swept along in a tide with no control of their own, and for you, and your children, I hope that you will find what you need.

    Old 06-01-2006, 12:34 PM   #3
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    Honey, you are being abused. And, your children are being abused. I would in no way put with my DH hitting, slapping or teasing my children for no reason. Your son is modeling the behavior he sees from his dad. I also think that stress can cause children to pull out their hair and with your fiance teasing her about her looks, that just stresses her out.

    I would get out of this relationship as soon I could, if not for your sake, then for your children's. If you don't want to get out, I suggest finding a counselor to speak to you. You deserve better than this and so do your children. You are basically making a circle of abuse. You were abused as a child, you are now abused as an adult, your children are being abused, and more than likely, especially with your son having anger issues, there is a chance he will grow up to be an abuser.

    I know it's hard to consider leaving, but it would be the best thing you could do for yourself. Have you ever thought that the panic attacks and anxiety you might be feeling comes from the fact your fiance treats you and your children so bad?

    I hope I haven't offended you, but I just hate to see anyone, especially children, in this kind of situation.

    Old 11-05-2006, 04:31 PM   #4
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    The fiance is a batterer. End of story. The MINUTE he TOUCHED my kid, I'd be GONE.

    Sorry, but why are you still with this a-hole?

    Old 11-07-2006, 05:30 AM   #5
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    i know why she is with him. shes had a crummy life and he is the best thing so far she's ever gotten.
    i dont know. maybe it seems perfect to get rid of her fiance, but maybe he can get anger help? why not? she does have a child with him...

    this situation calls for intervention and a therapist to evaluate the situation and someone else to monitor the family life. the children have irregular behavior learned from theyr dad and its no wonder the child kicks the cat. he learned it.
    sweety you have no control over your life and want so much to make things right. but because you have no control you have panic attacks or anxiety. you cant handle the reality of this life and the suffering your children endure as well. if you break up with your fiance it might be lonely and dark but it might buy you peace of mind and serenity opportunity to make your life a better one. you are in a codependant reltionship/
    youve had sucha hard life and seem yet anyways to be so loving. you seem like such a beautiful soul.
    I am here for you !

    Old 11-07-2006, 03:12 PM   #6
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    yes...she has a child with him...a child he has smacked. kicked. shoved. a child who is learning to abuse animals...defenseless creatures like himself because then he'll have some power over something else just like his sorry excuse for a father.

    do not allow this man to take your life away! YOU could wind up dead, your kids could wind up the U.S., 4 women per DAY are murdered by their husbands/boyfriends.

    Old 11-07-2006, 03:14 PM   #7
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    Another thing: of COURSE you don't want sex with this guy. If he's forcing it, you're being raped.

    Old 11-09-2006, 01:50 PM   #8
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    Tamara, it is one thing if you want to put up with abuse BUT your children are being abused and something has to be done about it. They are showing behavior problems and as the mother you have to get help for them. AND yourself please.

    Old 12-03-2006, 06:47 PM   #9
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    Exclamation Re: Anxiety... anger... confused


    To make a long story short I have been there. Disfunctionallity at its finest. It takes alot to step out of your situation and look at the big picture. When you do you have to see your own faults as well as his. Start by trying to fix you. You need to stop and think why you want to be in this relationship? Answer: You are co-dependant, you don't want to be alone and others have it alot worse than you,it could be worse,you don't want to lose the only person that hasn't abbandoned you, including his family. So, if leaving isn't the answerright now, then work on yourself. Stop worring about what he wants, if you don't want to smoke then don't, if you do then do but you are responsible for your own actions, you and you alone. You need to stop and tell yourself everytime you don't stick up for yourself or your children,if he REALLY loves me, he won't leave. Test his love that you think he has for you. Insist on counseling, if he refuses start with yourself. Eventually he will see changes in you and maybe he will want to change(he has to want to) or he will decide that he liked the fiance he could kick around and just sat and took it. You and I both know how you feel about yourself, ask yourself what you teach your children to be by staying in this relationship without seeking help? What kind of man will your daughter seek? What kind of man are you raising? because you are saying "It's okay". Trust me, I am not judging you because like I said been there, but you are responsible to get yourself out of the situation or seek help.You can only be the victim as long as you allow it.

    As for the anxiety, also have that. Talk to your Dr., any Dr. will prescibe meds for anxiety without a detailed explanation of what is going on in your personal life. Just tell them your symptoms. It is hard to live with anxiety and you will be amazed if you can find a med that works for you. (Took me a half a dozen attempts to the right one). Take care and be stronger than you could imagine yourself being.. tanda

    Old 12-06-2006, 01:48 PM   #10
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    Maybe you don't have to see it as abuse - because this can be counterproductive and make you into a victim. Sometimes there are couples who, together, are a 'toxic' combination and it's just better to be apart. It's so hard to get back from a certain way of being with each other. Once it's set up a certain way in a routine or cycle it's hard to break. If you want to give your children - not just your little boy but your little girl who needs a strong role model in you too - a good start in life then you have to seriously think whether that can be with this guy. Sounds like you're both broken (I've been there) but whether you can fix yourselves whilst together is up to you. You're the grown up now and it's time to be strong - whichever way you turn. You'll always have support and a friendly ear here.
    Lots of luck xx

    Old 12-28-2006, 08:25 AM   #11
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    Re: Anxiety... anger... confused

    Hi Tamaralann,

    yes this is abuse.. what has happenned to you as a child has set you up for his type of relationship... peoplel who think you can just leave or change things overnight have no understanding of the dymanics of domestic abuse and sexual assualt...

    can you find a free counsellor in your area or even a free phone counselling service? ask if the person has training and eperience of sexual assault and DV.. only work with someone you feel comfortable with .. that is very important in this work....

    there are 2 really good books that would be helpful for you ;

    the verbally abusive relationship by Pat evans

    and The emotionally abusive relationship by Beverly Engals

    you are worth so much better than this even though you don;t feel it at the moment. you need help to change things for the better and for your kids..
    abuse creates a pattern of 'learned helplessness' where a person becomes unable to act... it is a very well documented syndrome and it makes it very difficult to take action...
    you are probably also very depressed... also perfectly undestandable given the situation and abuse.. depression makes you feel helpless and hopless... it also takes away the abiltiy to take action and have energy for change...

    I really feel for you.. don't give up on yourself.. it will take time but it doesnt have to be like this...please seek out some help..

    a big hug to you


    Last edited by moderator2; 12-29-2006 at 07:04 AM.

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