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  • Brother has anger issues...

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    Old 08-15-2006, 03:09 PM   #1
    CyberNick
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    Brother has anger issues...

    My brother has serious anger issues, to the point where my other brothers and myself can't even manage to be around him anymore. I'm 22, he's 19. My two younger brothers are 16 and 13.

    We all live at home still, due to financial constraints that I have with college and whatnot. The straw that kind of broke the camel's back was yesterday. Every Monday my brothers, friends and family get together and play some friendly softball, no big deal. I was running some errands with my younger brothers, and the "angry" brother I guess we'll call him, called me and said to swing by the house and grab his glove. We were in a rush with other things going on, and I ended up forgetting to grab it. I didn't realize until we were already at the field, and of course he immediately gets livid when I mention that I forgot the mitt. He starts screaming, "that's the ONE THING I asked you guys to do and you can't REMEMBER!?!?!" F*#&, you guys are idiots!!" The reason it was more annoying is because he's the only left handed person that plays, so he couldn't use someone else's glove.

    We live 10 mins from the park, and we were still waiting for ten or more people to show up, so I told him to just go grab it really quick and that it's not that big of a deal. My friend even offered his car so he didn't have to waste any gas money, but he just sat in the dugout angered to the point where he wouldn't even speak to anybody. We had to baby and coax him to even play because he was being so stubborn and aggressive about the issue. He never drove the 10 minutes back home to just grab his glove, which shouldn't be my responsiblity anyways. Instead he decided to whine the entire two hours of the game, and once while switching sides after the 3rd out he just went wild with outbursts, screaming, "Baseball is so fun without a FU*#$ING GLOVE!" Everybody was trying to make things easier for him, saying he could just bat for both teams, or etc. He just couldn't let it go, and his horrible attitude was just ruining every one else's time.

    When he got home from the game, he ended up punching a hole in one of our wooden cabinets in pure animosity, then slammed the door and went into his room for the rest of the night. He's 19 years old, for Christ's sake! This behavior is totally horrendous, immature and unnacceptable in my opinion. I've stopped even inviting him out around my friends and others, and my little brothers are practically in fear of him because of his random rage. He doesn't have to pay for anything at home, has piles of spare money from state grants for his financial aid, has no job, isn't in school at the moment because it's Summer, and he pretty much has the easy life right now. I don't know what could be triggering this anger, but I feel like I've had enough.

    I'm graduating college and moving out next Summer with a close friend of mine, and I feel like once I'm gone I'll never even talk to my brother anymore. His anger issues are hurting his relationships with family members, and I just don't know what to do anymore. How do you all deal with people like this? I'm sick of catering to him because of his short fuse.

     
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    Old 09-18-2006, 07:15 AM   #2
    ffb
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    Re: Brother has anger issues...

    If someone has an answer I would be so happy to hear it. I have a 19 yr old son with the exact same problem of your brothers.
    He has extreme anger outbursts and has upset our family to the max. Little things set him off and you never know when they are going to happen. His brother, my 18 year old, wore his shirt, by the way one he had never worn and had for 6 months, and he got a stain on it. My 19 yr old went crazy, screaming and cursing, F this and Mother F that, and ripped the shirt to shreds. About that time my 18 yr old walks in and he starts on him, pushing and bullying him, he is 40 lbs heavier and 5 in taller than his 18 yr old brother. My 18 yr old, who knows that he just needs to get out of his way, goes into his own bedroom and locks the door. My 19 yr old gets madder and then puts his fist through the door and unlocks it. He sucker punches his brother, all this time his 16 yr old sister is watching, screaming and crying. I get right in the middle of this fight and stop it and pick up the phone to call the police. My 19 yr old leaves so I don't call the cops. This is by far the worse it has even gotten, but we have had many holes in walls and doors during the past 19 yrs. He was an angry defiant 2 yr old also.
    He has ADHD and ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and is on Adderall that he doesn't take and should be on Paxil, but won't take it either.
    By the way, I am an Art teacher and own my own business, and my husband is a CPA.
    Anybody had the same problem that would give us some advise.
    Dee

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 07:36 AM   #3
    thegardener
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    Re: Brother has anger issues...

    Cybernick, what do your parents say about your brother? You sound really mature. I wonder if something happened to him that no one else knows about? Has he always been like this? What was he like when he was growing up?

    ffb, when your son was that defiant 2 yr. old, did you or your husband really come down on him and have "control showdowns" a lot? My middle sister was that defiant 2 yr. old and my dad spent his life having "control showdowns" with her. She is now almost 50 and it really affected her relationship with my dad. She and my dad are not close at all but my other sister and myself are close to my dad. She was angry a lot. I always felt it was because of this. What are the consequences for your son when he breaks things and is violent?

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 03:18 PM   #4
    ffb
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    Re: Brother has anger issues...

    Yes, we did come down on him, but I am not sure what you mean by "control showdowns" . When he misbehaved my husband spanked him and I put him in time out. He was so out of control even then that I had to watch him the entire time and almost hold him down in time out. I probably smacked him on the butt a few times myself when I would loose total control. My husband just spanked him with his hand. His thoughts were We were spanked when we were kids and we grew up highly respectful, even scared of our parents. I guess we turned out ok but now I am not so sure. How could we have raised a child who could turn on us like he has? My other 2 kids are just normal teens, pleasant, sometimes disrespectful, but never violent and destructive. Consequences are harder to control now. He is in college, attends a local community college and thankfully is going away in the spring to University of Ky. He has a car, a cell phone and we pay his bills. I know that is probably the problem, we have given him everything.
    He had a great career in baseball, he was the star in our area, throwing a 95 MPH fastball as a 7th grader and by the time he was a junior scouts from the majors were scouting him, then he hurt his knee playing football of all things and his career ended. Now after 6 surgeries and a huge letdown he is worse than ever. He can't keep a job because of all the surgeries. We only give him enough money to get back and forth to school and for food. He doesn't seem to mind not having any money, is ok just to lay around the house playing Xbox. What do I do? It is different for a girl than a boy, he is physically much bigger than me and frankly I am scared of him. Do I just wait for January to come and then be rid of him or do I come to blows with him now? I am just so confused and so hurt.
    By the way, I live in Ky also.
    Thanks,
    Dee

     
    Old 09-19-2006, 05:51 AM   #5
    thegardener
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    Re: Brother has anger issues...

    Gosh, I'm sorry that you have this issue to deal with. I wouldn't know what that would be like to have a child bigger and stronger than me and to be afraid. I do know that consequences work wonders on behavior. A person just has to get the right consequences and they have to be enforced every time. Being afraid of him certainly throws a wrench into the situation. If he has never hurt you before what are the chances that he would hurt you? I think of a "control showdown" as the parents wanting to show the child that they are in control and that they are going to win and this becomes the goal. I realized with my own children when they were two that there are other ways to get the child to do what you want without having a conflict of wills. How much of his anger do you think is from him losing his dreams of sports? Has he tried counseling? I know with my children there are things that I will never get them to stop completely (hitting each other and being rude sometimes) but I think that it is important that they hear every time that this behavior is not okay and I give out consequences (after a warning) if it is gets too frequent. Do you and your husband stick together on this issue? I think that breaking things and hurting people definitely deserves consequences. How about calmly talking to him when he starts to get angry and telling him that he has to use words instead of violence. "I know you are angry about.... but you need to get control of yourself and talk about this." Maybe he could go for a walk or something to cool down. I live outside of Louisville. I got my Masters from UK.

    Last edited by thegardener; 09-19-2006 at 06:01 AM.

     
    Old 09-21-2006, 06:31 AM   #6
    ffb
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    Re: Brother has anger issues...

    I am going to try the walk away technique myself. When I see the rage starting in him I am going to walk away. I can't seem to stop my mouth from running when he starts the anger thing. I WILL learn to control my big mouth and ask him also to go cool down.
    I am so looking forward to him going away this spring. I guess our family will finally have a little peace and quite and a bit of NORMAL.
    That sounds really weird, most of the time moms have a big problem letting go with their child, I can't wait. Somethings wrong with this picture.
    Thanks for your help in trying to find a way to live with this problem.
    Dee

     
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