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    Old 02-04-2007, 05:58 PM   #1
    hopetofeelwell1
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    Would you be angry for this?

    Hi all! I am just getting over feeling pretty angry from a couple of hours ago because of something that happened today. I would like to hear from anyone who thinks I'm justified or I am wrong. January 15th was my husband's 50th birthday and because of severe financial issues in my household, a large party was not to be nor did my husband want any fuss. A couple of weeks ago, my sister-in-law invited us over for a brunch on Super Bowl Sunday (today) and we said okay. Now keep in mind that I speak to my mother-in-law almost every day and have for almost 20 years of marriage. I've been nursing a sore throat for a couple of days and I said to my husband that I really didn't want to go near my elderly in-laws if I had a sore throat on Sunday because that wouldn't be fair--they were going to the brunch, too. My son, who is 19 this week had a problem sleeping last night and knowing him as I do, probably wouldn't have been up in time to go this morning. Well, my husband went to the brunch this morning and came back this afternoon with all kinds of gifts and what not. I asked him if they were for my son whose birthday is Thursday (Feb.8) and he said no--they had a surprise 50th birthday for HIM! I was bull because I have spoken to my in-laws and they never said a word to me about this. You think that even if I didn't go(let's face it--I'm an in-law, so it's no big deal), they could have said something to me about my son. To me right now, they are the most ignorant bunch I have ever seen! My husband is going in for major surgery in about a month and a half and what if this is the last birthday he has? My son did not get to go to it! I'm not upset about me, just about the thoughtlessness regarding my son. I would have made sure my son was there. Is it me? Am I going overboard on this? Please let me know what you think because I hate feeling this way alone. Thanks so much! Hopeto--

     
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    Old 02-04-2007, 07:04 PM   #2
    firenice
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    this is a good example of sadness and sorrow being underneath anger. You're not really angry, you're hurt. You're angry because you don't feel either safe or comfortable in acknowledging to yourself or others that you have been emotionally hurt by this situation. You feel rejected, left out and neglected. It's appropriate that you would feel hurt. You need to verbalize this to your husband and perhaps the in-laws. You need to phrase it in such a way that you are not pointing fingers or laying blame, you just need to express your feelings, that you have been hurt. You're not asking questions, like "how could you do this?" and you're not saying they made you feel this way like "you made me feel so bad." You are just making a pretty simple, basic statement about your feelings such as "I want you to know that I am very hurt that I was left out of this surprise party" or "I am hurt that (child) did not know about this and was not able to attend." The person who hears this may respond by trying to lay the blame on you or someone else, or try to discount your feelings. Or, they may say nothing. All that does not matter. Your objective is simply to verbalize your honest feelings without any need for a response. Of course, such statements may likely generate a response and you should stick to your honest feelings, not blame or finger pointing, just your feelings. That's the best and most healing form of communication in situations like this. It can easily be a pathway towards genuine communication between parties.

     
    Old 02-04-2007, 09:14 PM   #3
    hopetofeelwell1
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Fire! I am honestly not hurt for me, but only for my son. I suppose a mother will hurt twice as much where her children are concerned. I have a sore throat, so it was already pre-planned that I wouldn't be there, but when I spoke to my mother-in-law yesterday, she could have said "I don't know if Joanne told you(my sister-in-law) but this is really going to be a surprise party but we're telling xxx it's a brunch. I would have stayed up all night to make sure my son was there. I know these people and as good as they can be, they are also very clannish and have a cold streak to them. They're sensitive only to their own feelings at times. I will let this go so that it doesn't drive me nuts any further and it doesn't deserve being upset another day because of it. I'm just curious to see what someone else would do in this situation. In time the subject will come up and I will edge my two cents in tactfully. Thanks for the feedback--Hopeto--

     
    Old 02-05-2007, 12:22 PM   #4
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Hope, I just see it that they wanted to keep it a secret from your family. Your MIL didn't know that you weren't coming did she (or your son)?

     
    Old 02-05-2007, 04:58 PM   #5
    hopetofeelwell1
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Sannah! My mother in law knew the night before that I wasn't coming, but she could have let me know ahead of time to make sure that my son was there. My son told me last night that he wanted to cry because this was important to him, too. My son is having his own issues with anxiety and depression so you can just imagine how he felt after this. I just feel that it was very thoughtless on their part and this is why I feel hurt not for me but for my son. I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill because I'm better today, but can you relate? My own sensitivity gets the better of me sometimes, but I feel this was wrong. Hopeto--

     
    Old 02-06-2007, 05:56 AM   #6
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hope, I know what you mean about how things hurt more if your child goes through them instead of yourself! I'm sorry that you have hurtful inlaws.

     
    Old 02-06-2007, 04:11 PM   #7
    hopetofeelwell1
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Sannah! I did mention to my m-i-l last night that I would have had my son there, but she said she wanted it to be a surprise for all. You know, in every other instance, they're wonderful people, but in this instance, they just don't get it. Two days later as I'm thinking of this, I have learned a lesson about people and some people have tunnel vision and some people don't. They evidently do and I will keep this in mind for the future. Right now I have my son's health issues as well as my own to take care of and I feel my son is getting past this, so I will follow his lead and forge ahead myself. Today I had another problem with a family member on my side and I think I handled it well. It still stung, but not as badly as it would have 10 years ago. I call this progress and I did other things for myself today that made me happy. Had I not been able to share some of my issues on this board recently, I don't think I would have dealt with these things well at all. I thank you all for bearing with me during my "growth spurt". Take care--Hopeto--

     
    Old 02-06-2007, 07:28 PM   #8
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    It would have hurt my feelings and made me very mad! It's his surprise birthday and they didn't think to make sure his wife and child are there? They took the 'surprise' a bit too far.

     
    Old 02-07-2007, 08:49 PM   #9
    hopetofeelwell1
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Microwave and Sannah--I always remember what a psychiatrist told me years ago about the three C's--you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CONTROL it. So, from also being in recovery I've tried to sort out my feelings about things too and I can usually stop and think rationally about myself(after years of therapy and meetings). I still have a lot of work to do where my son is concerned and just ask God to take this insanity away from me when people are thoughtless. Stepping outside away from situations helps, too. So that's what I did on Sunday. I took a ride around town, calmed down, and told myself that this situation won't last forever and took it as they say "one day at a time". This has helped both my son and myself and sometimes what goes around, comes around. Believe me, there are so many things you can find comfort in! Thanks for listening--Hopeto--

     
    Old 02-08-2007, 06:40 AM   #10
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    Re: Would you be angry for this?

    Hi Hope, yup, what can you do about someone else's behavior? The only control that you have is how you react to it and then expect it for the next time from the person and then you will be prepared.

     
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