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Deeper Issues?

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Old 09-23-2008, 09:42 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Nome, Alaska
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longtimepuzzled HB User
Deeper Issues?

My wife and I have been together more than thirty years. She is 49. We have two married daughters in their mid twenties in healthy marital relationships. We have one grandchild from one daughter and one on the way from the other daughter. We also have a twelve year old son. All are healthy, well and mentally stable.

My wife on the other hand has serious control and anger issues. She used to suffer mood swings but now it seems her violence is non stop. She is very controlling. Yelling and screaming at both me and our son seems to be her favorite pass time. She arrives home from work looking for things that are wrong or not done, never appreciating or commenting on the things that are right. She complains when I don't fold the laundry to her specifications, or when the dirty dishes don't get done soon enough (I do the dishes).

She frequently goes into rages for no apparent reason and has been known to destroy objects. Last week she threw a suitcase at me that I had left sitting where she didn't think it belonged. She slams doors frequently. She one time slammed a door so hard it was completely torn from the wall, frame and all. I have repaired kitchen drawers scores of times because the backs have been torn out from her violent slamming of them.

She drinks a few beers regularly but she doesn't have to be drinking to be violent. No one in my work environment has ever measured up to her expectations so I don't chum with anyone. Haven't in more than fifteen years. On the other hand she participates in her religious faith four times a week and sometimes more. I don't belong to her church. When she is in a rage her language would equal that of a longshoreman and she has no limits.

She disciplines our son with a leather belt and one swat is never enough for her tho he protests loudly. When I intervene her wrath is unleashed on me.

She has forever complained of her treatment during childhood but will never talk about it. Her father is still alive and she claims to have many issues with him but won't do anything to resolve them. He's an ******* anyway. Her mother died this year. When her mother and father were divorced many years ago her mother maintained an open door for her boyfriends and God only knows what may have taken place then. One of her mothers boyfriends used to kick the kids shins under the table when they didn't clean up their plates at dinner time.

Are any of her actions symptoms of anything in particular? She refuses to see a doctor or ask for professional help, claims she doesn't need anyone and that I am her biggest problem.

I'm sick of the whole thing and want to help her somehow, separation or divorce really isn't an option for me at this time while my son is still so young, tho I have considered it a time or three.

Any input from someone with some knowledge of such situations would be appreciated.

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Old 09-23-2008, 10:04 AM   #2
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Re: Deeper Issues?

YIKES I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this woman has BPD, borderline personality a little research. I thought an old boyfriend had an anger management problem, and after some research, I discovered that anger wasn't his was just one symptom.....of a bigger problem, borderline personality disorder. I've very surprised you've tolerated this abuse for so long........why?

Old 09-25-2008, 08:01 PM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2008
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longtimepuzzled HB User
Re: Deeper Issues?

I've tolerated it this long because there have been children involved. It was always very important to me for my children to have the benefit of a (whole) family and a home life. Way too many broken homes and marriages these days. I simply want to help her but not sure how to do it. She isn't a person you can sit down with and discuss issues. She is very domineering and is a borderline bully most of the time.

Old 09-29-2008, 08:06 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Marlton, NJ, USA
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Re: Deeper Issues?

I am 37 a professional with an MBA, I have never been in trouble in my life, and I have a great marriage. Yet NOTHING I have ever done has been good enough for my mother. Yet my sister who was pregnant before her and her husband marriage, has abused alcohol and drugs in the past and just received an associates degree at age 35, has always been my mothers favorite. My whole life I have heard nothing but negative things about men from my mother, including many insults aimed at my direction. My mother never had to work in her life as my father has always taken care of her. He was no help when I was growing up, as he was always silent, letting her act as she did.

My mother when confronted always enjoyed playing the victim, she loves drama, and causes more than her share. I had my head bashed against a deadbolt once when my mother overheard a friend say something when we were playing in my backyard, and mistook it for me. Everytime anyone did anything amongst my friends, I was always yelled at too. Once when a friend's mother tried to correct my mother, I was grabbed by the back of the kneck and virtually dragged to the car. Yet at the same time, she has always made excuses for my sister, or blamed her actions on the man that she was with.

I could go on with my examples, but what I am getting at is that it may very well be that your wife has a problem with men. You do not mention that she ever took out anything on your daughters, but seems to relish abusing yourself and your son.

My advise to you, unless you want to end up alienated from your son later in life, is to protect him from her abuse, put him above her and seek help in that direction. You mentioned her faith, though it may not be your's, have you considered speaking to her minister? Maybe he or she could speak with your wife? If she does not seem to want to reach a solution with you, maybe they could help to influence her?

What ever you do, stop the violence towards your son, I barely speak to my parents and keep my 10 year old son away from them as much as possible. They see their grandchild maybe twice a year, and actually wonder why I do not seem to like them.

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