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  • Am I angry or is depression back?

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    Old 11-16-2010, 03:14 PM   #1
    ebrena
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    Am I angry or is depression back?

    First I apologise if this post confuses you-I just wrote how I feel & it is confusing.

    I have been so grumpy & snappy latley & feeling so stressed and angry lately. Everything is a bother. If I am doing something and my husband comes along and asks me to do something for him - I let out a long sigh (I hear them & so does he) when he hears them he says "oh, do you think you can handle doing that?" It's like I really don't want to do anything right now but what I am doing. (I don't say that)

    I am not sure if I am becoming depressed again or if I am just miserable and lack motivation because I am angry. I do not want to go back on my antidepressants again-I hate them! They make me tired. I have taken Prozac for years & weaned myself off them 6 months ago so not sure if my grumpy moods are coming from depression. I still take 300 mg Wellbutrin XL in the am. But no prozac.

    It is usually the opposite and I will doing something thoughtful for him & he will say "what is this?" or "who told you to do this?" or "why don't you just do what your told?" I bought him a couple of heavy duty machinery magazines the other day - WELL- they weren't the ones he likes so he looks at them and dumps all the sections on the table & says " Who told you to buy these?" "Stop buying me things if you don't know what your doing" a waste of money! So I picked them up and said "no problem" & took them to my room-were they still remain.

    I have 5 bulldogs and they are my baby's & his too but lately I don't even have the patience for them either. My head feels heavy & I feel numb. I feel stressed & numb. I feel angry, stressed & numb. I have no motivation to do anything around here other than the basics-cooking, laundry, changing beds, baking lemon tarts for him because they are his favorite.

    I feel I am easy to get along with but with him there is no room for error. but I also feel like I don't want to be around him. I stay in my bedroom on my laptop & he is in the office on his computer or he sits at the kitchen table on the phone. He doesn't talk to me much because he doesn't have the patience & heaven forbid I heard him wrong and reply in the wrong way "you don't listen" "do you know what your problem is? you don't listen" "why do I even bother trying to talk to you?"

    We don't have the same interests at all. I like to talk about what is going on in the news or what I saw today or something will come to mind and I will ask him. He will say "I don't know, & I don't care whats going on in the paper & I don't have a clue what you are talking about". Shot down again! His world is made up of working on his dump truck, talking to his buddy about their dumptrucks and they plan big ventures relating to work-none of them happen. He has been working locally but not enough for what we need. A trucking business is not a money maker it is a money taker-it costs a lot of money to have a one man contracting truck business.

    I don't work anymore after 30 years in an office. I am 57 years old and I am wracking my brain to come up with some kind of work I can do from home. Since I left my job I hurt myself & I am limited to what I can do. I have looked into Professional Resume Writing; Managing Your own Business; Web & Design & most recent How to start an Operate a Floral Design Business. I have the course to learn all of them but I can't get my head into any of them. I just go and lie down and tune it all out.

    Depression? Boredome; Resentment; ??

     
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    Old 11-16-2010, 08:00 PM   #2
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    It sounds as if you are very lonely and are in an environment where you do not have much control over anything. Living like that is enough to cause a great deal of anger in a person as well as escalating the depression that you have. Of course depression and anger go hand in hand. Depression is repressed anger you know. I am telling you from experience not to let what your husband sees as the way things are keep you from learning and having a life of your own! This man is probably going to shoot you down no matter what you do. So do it for yourself and don't even give him a second to tell you don't matter. Sincerely, searchin

     
    Old 11-16-2010, 11:12 PM   #3
    ebrena
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Searchin View Post
    It sounds as if you are very lonely and are in an environment where you do not have much control over anything. Living like that is enough to cause a great deal of anger in a person as well as escalating the depression that you have. Of course depression and anger go hand in hand. Depression is repressed anger you know. I am telling you from experience not to let what your husband sees as the way things are keep you from learning and having a life of your own! This man is probably going to shoot you down no matter what you do. So do it for yourself and don't even give him a second to tell you don't matter. Sincerely, searchin
    Thanks so much for replying to my post. Your post rings so true & I know it. I guess I need to hear it from other's so it's not just me being irrational and then I can pull myself up and know I am not totally lost.

    I moved in with my husband 14 years ago-into his home-we actually married in 2004. I had always been so independant-I was a single parent and survived that and felt proud of how my boy and I beat the odds. I had a steady government office job for 30 years so had my own money,my own furniture, car, cute place to live in the city, I loved my life and then I met my husband who was so sweet then-of course. A wolf in sheeps clothing.

    When I moved here in the country into his house I took on a 3 day work schedule-still had my own money with no loss in my benefits. The commute was to far. (country life is so boring) In 1999 my husband put his house in my name only! So I have a house-I have a house in my name-but it's not really my house as he will remind me. It is 35 years old and needs a lot of work but I am not allowed to make my own decisions & fix it up-so I have no flooring (plywood) we lifted the green 1970's shag because of my allergies and that was that. I feel stuck & my environment doesn't help.

    I had a fall and completely severed my rotator cuff and cannot have it operated on-so my shoulder can drop down at any time and it is painful!! I have to go to the hospital every time this happens. I am not employable as far as lifting, or reaching, even typing for too long or a lot of things. When it dislocates down my arm I wrench and cry in pain & how long would anyone want me working anywhere when I am broken and 57 years old.

    My husband is 63 & healthy -he drinks too much and throws tantrums and yells & makes me cringe and I just go away to my own bedroom. I am thankful for my own space anyway. We have gone days avoiding each other-at times I just can't handle being around him. He talks so nice to every one else and he is a moral booster to other people and his friends wives-not to me.

    I have many interesting ideas of work to do from home but I can't get motivated. I know what I need to get started and get going then I lose interest and pack it all up and sit like a zombie. You are right he will always put my ideas down & he does. I wish he would go away to work somewhere and I could make things happen for myself without feeling defeated by his words.

    I don't know if starting up on my antidepressants are the answer to helping me lift above the the negativity. Or if they will just space me out and make me numb. I need a clear head to put my ideas into motion. I wish they would make me feel good enough to tune him out and just focus on myself.
    My Dr does not know I stopped taking them and when I told him I reduced the dosage he said "oh no don't do that-stay on 20 mg's. I weaned off them in July. I thought I might be able to focus better without drugs but maybe I need drugs. I don't think I liked how I felt on the antidepressants (Prozac) I think they made me tired-it's been a while so I forget. I know I am in for a long dark winter if I don't do something. Sorry for another long post.

     
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    Old 11-19-2010, 09:15 AM   #4
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    Your husband reminds me alot of my father. Everything I did always seemed to be a problem for him. Nothing was ever good enough. I was not allowed to make my own decisions from things such as which high school i wanted to go to, what sports or activities I could join. I was forced to play things I didn't enjoy. I was a 94% ave. student, & he would wanna know what I was doing wrong that I kept losing 6%. He was horrible to my mother also. His perfectionistic & controlling ways no doubt made mine & my mother's life a living hell.
    The funny thing is, on the outside, he was the sweetest/nicest guy you could ever meet. Everybody LOVED him & couldn't understand why I hated him so much. I could never understand how he could treat outsiders so well, and his own family so badly. like you, I would retreat to my own bedroom & enjoyed being alone as well.

    All I can say is that I dont think you have an anger management problem. I think it very well may be depression, the symptoms definitely seem to fit. I myself & no longer living in that hellhole & have a great husband & 2 kids, but still suffer from anxiety/panic attacks which have recently led to depression. It's hard to feel motivated to do anything when you are in such a negative, resentful state of mind. The best thing you can do, is to find natural ways to help yourself if you are against meds. I never liked meds either, so I can relate. Make sure you take a good multi-vitamin, especially B complex & Vitamin D, because they help combat depression symptoms. Get some sunlight everyday, take a nice long walk with your dogs, get some exercise (even though its the last thing you feel like doing), drink lots of water, try to eat healthy, & avoid alcohol & smoking. Read some self-help books. Get a hobby that you enjoy & don't let him talk you out of it. Try to do something you enjoy everyday, even if it's just taking a nice hot bath with candles, reading a book, listening to music, or watching a funny movie. Another thing that helped me was journaling. It allowed me to keep track of my moods & vent & eventually gain some perspective. You have to make yourself a priority, because if you don't know one else will. Don't allow him to make you feel worthless. You deserve more out of life. Don't depend on him to be happy, find your own happiness. Hope you feel better

    Last edited by Administrator; 01-13-2011 at 07:34 AM.

     
    Old 11-19-2010, 03:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    It is like being frozen. Just sitting and staring, wanting so badly to get up, to make myself do something. I got tired of sitting in my bedroom alone so I don't do it anymore. Sometimes a man needs a taste of his own medicine. What do you think would happen if you took the initiative to get carpet or some other flooring? He might gripe about it but what's he gonna do, tear it up? I am just saying to take one thing and make a start. I think if you would just do one small thing at a time it would help you immensely. To stand on our own two feet we sometimes just have to tune others negative comments out. Do you understand what I mean? Sincerely, searchin

     
    Old 11-20-2010, 02:42 AM   #6
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    Sportybear as soon as I read where my husband reminds you of your father. He reminds me of mine. I was always grounded; not aloud to voice an opinion; always told to go to my room & 45 years later I am still going to my room for my peace. I made a point of having my own room when I first moved her. I had lived too long on my own with my own room I needed that space. My husband shows the sweet nice guy to other's & they can find no wrong in him. I have in contact friends from my elementary school days & a few of them have been here. They know me so well & they have seen signs of my husbands put downs-although mild they have noticed. He likes me all to himself-no family-no friends. And he is just plain mean and miserable most of the time-I don't like him one bit when he's being an insulting bully so I go off to my room.

    I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks myself & I hate them when they come on and I can't talk or see straight and feel like I'm going to combust right on the spot. One time a woman came to my sliding door & it was a dark dismal day which can bring on attacks. So I listened to her for about a minute and was having a panic attack-I told her I couldn't talk and shut the door and closed the curtains on the woman. I would love to know what she thought! ha They became quite disableing to me, I would get them while driving home from work in the dark rainy night and have to pull over until they passed. At that time I had ativan sublingual tabs to put under my tongue to help me relax. I don't get them near how I used to but I do have them on occasion.

    I do keep busy with my own thing, I don't go out much because of the depression I think there are days I don't even get dressed, stick my hair in a pony tail and stay in my pj pants and tank all day. I read alot & love researching on the internet-so I do have my own things I do. I have a journal that I keep on my Word program and ad every little mean thing that my husband says, because they are so cutting and hurtful. I try to tune hime out and keep to myself if he wants to talk to me decently that's fine but the minute that changes and he starts raising his voice I'm out of there.

    Ya, I have really been avoiding going back on my Prozac it takes any life in me out and I am so tired and spaced out. I take Wellbutrin XL which works well for me & my energy level. Don't smoke or drink can't handle either anymore and don't miss em. Thank you for responding to my post and for your helpful ideas to help me.

    Last edited by Administrator; 01-13-2011 at 07:33 AM.

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 09:29 PM   #7
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    Re: Am I angry or is depression back?

    I hear you and understand. From the outside I would say that you're depressed and angry because of the situation you're in. I recognize it because I'm going through something similar.

    I have lost myself and become angry at my pretty-much at this point "ex". I feel that the anger is warranted, but in the end it's only hurting myself. I have had to step away from the relationship, but am sad (likely depressed) and angry. I think it would be beneficial to talk with someone, professionally, but I am lacking health insurance.

    My ex has at least, had a brilliant moment of thoughtfulness and paid for a membership to a gym. It's only been a few weeks, but I am practicing yoga again, and with every ounce of will I possess, I get up, go to work and am now working-out. Although it's difficult willing myself to work-out, I do feel better afterwords.

    Aside from the abusive relationship (and if I may be so bold, I recognize one in your relationship, at least from what you describe), I suffer from a serious spinal injury, leaving me in constant pain. When needed, I take pain meds and a muscle relaxer. I resisted medication for years, but finally succumbed. I am wary of depending on them but feel they help for the moment.

    Am trying to stay busy, beginning to get fit again--and although I wish to stay in my pj's I make myself go out and meet people. It keeps me sane. And I am slowly attempting to alter the relationship--still haven't cut it out of my life, but changes have been made. As a yogi aspirant, I have to remember to breathe, and that I want to get better, I want things to change and tell myself I'm worthy of goodness. And also to be the change I want to see...I'm sorry you're in pain and angry. You're not alone. I wish you health and positivity and wish for you to remember that you deserve to be treated well.

    I would recommend, in my completely non-medical way, to surround yourself with as much positivity as possible, be around positive people, try and eat healthy, get good sleep, drink water and have a space that is only for you to retreat to...Best of luck--be strong and calm. And breathe deeply. Often.





    Peace in Every Breath

     
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