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manzgaf 09-08-2012 09:40 AM

HELP - Increasing anger to my family from a male perspective
Hi all,
I have been reading the posts on this really useful forum. It has definitely been helping with me coming to grips with my anger problems.
However, if i may say so, alot of it seems to be from the female perspective when dealing with partners and kids, which is really useful. As i seem to be narrow minded from reading these posts. ( i do not want to come across a sexist). :)
However, my query is from a male perspective if thats ok. (apologies for the long winded explanation - trying to give a background to my history).

But first, my background is that i have lived with my parents / family for most of my life. Only recently i have moved into my own accomodation. I have always had a sheltered childhood and never really experienced life until recently. We had a family business which i helped out alot in all the way through till university. I am asian by the way, where in my family case like to try and be close knit.

I had always believed that a family should be there for each other. However, i found out the hard way that when the **** hit the fan. You find out everyones true colours. My dad was very successful in his hay day, a millionaire. But due to close family relations. My dad and my family got screwed. As such, my dads spendthrift ways has never really ceased.

As a result of my dads spendthrift ways. He got into debt. When i graduated (2003) and finally got a job. I thought out of the good ness of my heart that i would help him buy remortgaging the house and giving him money to pay off his debts (2005). At this time i was married (2003). However, i got married in Asia and my wife was still there. To add to that i got engaged in 2001, so had a very long distance relationship. She finally came to me in 2005.

So basically i bought my dads house and my brothers house to help out the family business. However, i realised i was done for. As i was seriously in debt and living off credit cards. So i worked my *** off and had to actually live my life, which i had never done. This meant that i was living a life i should have before i got married and living away from home. I found this very difficult. By this time i had 1 child.
I also asked help from my family. I even started my own plumbing business to get myself out of large debt.
No one from my family helped.

This really hacked me off as i was there for them. But when it was my turn, no one helped me. This made me very angry, resentful and hated everyone member of my family. I turned into a cold person, which i never was.

I have only recently started to find some understanding and do behave with them better. But i am always on my guard.
When i moved into my own accomodation i got to know my wife as she was.

I have recently, sinced i moved out. Been getting more angry, tired and taking it out on my wife and now 2 kids (7 & 1.5).
My anger is getting out of control and it has always been there i think but seems to have been amplified in the past couple of years.
I need help and want to reduce my anger episodes.
I am not doing anything physical to my wife or kids and never will.
I work from home so i do help at home and drop the kids off home. I like to think i do my part. But maybe i am spending to much time at home? ( i am really confused).

But i just feel so tired and angry all the time. I am exhausted and fed up with myself. I have tried to keep an account of what i feel , but to no avail.

I want the best for my kids but i seem to be replicating what i went through with my family and my childhood. Its ironic and hurtful. I feel i cannot change this.

I have started to look into get some anger management counselling, hoping this helps. I cant really afford it, but i dont want to ruin my marriage, which is already on the rocks and is getting worse. My poor kids, who deserve a better dad and friend than me, are getting the end of the stick. My arguments with the wife are usually infront of the kids, which i know its bad, but seem to becoming more frequent.

Anyhelp and advice would be much appreciated.

Will I Be Happy 09-15-2012 06:16 AM

Re: HELP - Increasing anger to my family from a male perspective
I'm so sorry you are feeling as you are, but I think it is sooooo important that you are recognizing it. You mention that your anger has always been there but has recently amplified. I think I can sort of relate. I'v posted on this board recently about my own anger. When you say that, I think I can relate because I think my anger has always been there and became amplified because many things were "pushed down" and never dealt with. Now it all seems to be surfacing where I'm beginning to see how things really are instead of what I thought they were. With that comes anger. I think it's important that you do seek help for your anger. As much as I hate dealing with my anger, I try to feel that FINALLY acknowledging the way things really are for me and dealing with it head on, with therapy, will bring me to a better place. At least I really hope it does. You seem to know what you want for yourself and your wife/kids.

manzgaf 09-18-2012 05:42 PM

Re: HELP - Increasing anger to my family from a male perspective
Thanks for your reply. Its nice to hear someone can relate to me. I feel i am getting worse. My anger bursts are becoming more frequent and apparent. My children are getting more so affected. This is a situation i never expected or can handle. I am afriad of loosing my wife and children as i believe if you dont take good things in life you loose them. I do not know whats wrong with me and am so angry with myself. I find it hard to communicate with my wife and am feeling so lonely. Dont know who or what i can turn to. I feel my time is running out and i am building up at an eruptive point, which i dont want. I just dont know what to do!!!

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