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    Old 01-19-2017, 12:06 AM   #1
    Med75
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    I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Hi I'm a dad of 41 to 2 daughters aged 15 and 9 and all of a sudden the last week I've had this overwhelming sadness about them getting growing up it's effecting my sleep and is causing me anxiety nearly panic attacks .I've had health anxiety in the past and was on Prozac for a few years but decided to come off them October last year and I've been ok until these thoughts have just entered my head out of the blue I can remember when my 15 was around 9 or 10 and had this before but it went away but I also had a 4 year old still so I just got on with it and it went away but now my youngest daughter is coming to that age and I'm thinking how the time has flown by since thinking that about my eldest daughter that it's causing me this problem I can't sleep or eat properly at the moment and really getting emotional to the point I start crying see with my first born my wife was more hands on but after my second daughter was born my wife got really bad depression so I took over most of the looking after of her and we have a really close bond and I'm worried as she gets older she won't need me for much I'm gonna miss the cuddles we have (which I've increased since these feelings) her saying I love you daddy etc I'm recently been talking to my wife about maybe having another baby but I don't know why this has started can anyone help me please

     
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    Old 01-19-2017, 03:42 AM   #2
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Im sorry you are feeling as you are. Have you considered talking to someone professionally about this? Realistically you probably know that our children grow up...but letting go appears to be the problem here.

    How are your kids? Are they good kids? Do they make good decisions? Do they respect you and have good relationships with teachers, friends, family? If you can say yes to all of the above, then you did your job and you should be proud of yourself! Having another child is not the answer here...you do not want to be in your 60s watching your next child graduate highschool!

    Talking to someone about how you are feeling will help you put this in perspective. Your kids arent "leaving" you, they are just becomming adults who will start living their own lives. The best gift you can give to them is for them to know you will always be in their corner and always love them! Many kids in this world are lacking this from their parents... your kids are very lucky to have you.. Dont sufficate them as this will not help them to become independent memebers of society...give them room to grow and breathe, and keep reminding them that you will be there whenver they need you.
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    Old 01-19-2017, 10:57 AM   #3
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Big hugs! We (my husband and I) can relate to how you're feeling to a degree. Our children will be 11, 13 & 15 this year and we too get quite sad about it. Of course we understand they grow up and we have to enter into this next stage of our lives, but nothing really prepares you for the loss of that phase of life. It's almost like a stage of grief we must get through when we have such a strong bond with our children - which is a beautiful thing to have

    I wish you much comfort with getting through to this next stage in your children's lives!
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    Old 01-19-2017, 01:07 PM   #4
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Hi, Med,
    I have certainly had your same feelings about my own daughter. She's off and married now but I am often struck with how quickly time has flown. As the girls mature, quite naturally you will be finding that they are going to want to make more and more of their own decisions, and you may not have the spot of honor that you have right now. Having taken on sort of the role of mommy since your wife deals with depression, I can understand your complicated feelings.
    My only advice to you is, take it day as it comes. Stay in the moment and try not to dwell on either the future, or the past. Be the great dad that you are, and rather than being sad, focus on being proud that your girls are maturing. You will always be someone super special to them. Protect them but don't smother them as I did, mine...I regret that very much.
    My daughter is a wonderful woman now. She is smart and sweet and works hard and is a great wife. My role in her life keeps changing. So will yours. It's said that we are to give our children roots, and wings. Letting them fly is hard to watch, but it's what we want for them.

     
    Old 01-20-2017, 02:17 AM   #5
    Med75
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Thanks for all your kind replys I just don't know why all of the sudden this has just hit me it's worse when I'm on my own or trying to get to sleep my mind starts having these thoughts I am considering speaking to a councillor but no one else in my house knows how I feel I'm keeping it to myself when we are all together I don't really think about it I'm just sitting here with my 9 year old now getting her ready for school and she's watching a video on you tube about minecraft which she does most days but there will be a time when this happens no more 😭I know I should be enjoying the now and not the future but time for me right now is scaringly flying I just wish it could slow down abit and do you really think we are to old to have more children in 41 my wife is 35

    Last edited by Med75; 01-20-2017 at 02:19 AM.

     
    Old 01-20-2017, 10:18 AM   #6
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    I misunderstand how another child would be brought into this world to satisfy your own needs. Selfishly, it could be huge responsibility put on said child, as well....I would suspect your focus will be removed from your other children and the response will be blatant rejection. If you think you have issues now....get ready for what that would cause. You would be doing to them what you're feeling now.

    You need to get real and talk with a counselor about your fears. You are feeling rejected, but your responsibility as a parent is to grow with your children, not to stay static. There is so much to experience in these years of your age and theirs.....look forward to that rather than fearing your isolation.

    Your reaction of how you feel and what you think will be picked up by them by your changed behaviour.
    This is a tough phase for you......i don't doubt it's fairly common. Seek the info and help and learn how to relate instead of looking for soothing of your emotional ego.

    If you don't move forward, they will leave you behind. I suspect that interacting with your children through their exciting and somewhat scary life in this uncertain world will be a security for them rather than you wanting them to remain as they were, stuck in your needy phase.

    The fact that you have acknowledged your thoughts and fears is a huge step. Talk with your wife and maybe both in counselling will be a great support for you both to move forward and be able to parent fully as you get to know your children with enthusiam in their growing years.

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    Last edited by quincy; 01-20-2017 at 10:20 AM.

     
    Old 01-20-2017, 11:39 AM   #7
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Med75 View Post
    Thanks for all your kind replys I just don't know why all of the sudden this has just hit me it's worse when I'm on my own or trying to get to sleep my mind starts having these thoughts I am considering speaking to a councillor but no one else in my house knows how I feel I'm keeping it to myself when we are all together I don't really think about it I'm just sitting here with my 9 year old now getting her ready for school and she's watching a video on you tube about minecraft which she does most days but there will be a time when this happens no more 😭I know I should be enjoying the now and not the future but time for me right now is scaringly flying I just wish it could slow down abit and do you really think we are to old to have more children in 41 my wife is 35

    Hey there

    I absolutely think you should first speak with your wife about how you're feeling, you might find she too is going through some of the same motions as you yourself are and together you can work on it too. A problem shared is a problem halved - especially in marriage where you're meant to be there for one another. I think if my hubby went straight to therapy with a family issue prior to speaking with me about it I wouldn't feel too greatly about it, so that is my best advice for you as a starting point

    I personally don't think you're "too old" to have more children, but I also don't think having another child is going to help in the long run. Your children are already into that next phase of life (this part that you're grieving in a sense) and starting all over again may well leave your current children feeling just as you are right now :/ And any other children are of course always going to grow in to adulthood too and will leave you back at square one when that time comes

    Enjoy your here and now with your children, make the most of them They're still young and will always be your babies no matter what! AND speak to your wife too, that will probably help you greatly!

    Of course this is all just my opinion and you may think differently, but hopefully it helps in some way! All the best!
    K.

     
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    Old 01-20-2017, 05:00 PM   #8
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    I totally agree on two points. You should chat with your wife about your feelings,
    and though certainly you are young enough to have another child, that will not change your feelings. It may distract you for a bit but ultimately you will be in the same boat.
    This is something you have to navigate THROUGH, and not try to escape. I know it's hard, though, believe me.

     
    Old 01-20-2017, 10:41 PM   #9
    Med75
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Thanks again for you replys I guess I am being selfish about this whole thing and I don't want to push her to one side if we have another baby and I know I will have the same issues again with the next child I just don't know where this came from the thought just entered my head and now it won't go I can feel it right in the pit of my stomach do you think I should start taking my Prozac again after being off them for awhile I can't talk to my wife about this she will think I'm going mad like she did with my health anxiety when that started back in 2010 she will just say I'm being stupid again thanks for your input

     
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    Old 01-21-2017, 12:44 PM   #10
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    I think it can hit us sometimes and then we spiral out of control with obsessive, unwanted thoughts, if you have already been diagnosed with depression. There are so many things to feel sad about, and if we focused on all of that part of life, and not appreciating the present, we can really feel like we are loosing it.

    I have depression and pmdd, so I can get quite overwhelmed with these feelings. My twins just turned 10. My husband tries to redirect my panic attack feelings by talking about how wonderful they are now, and we enjoy every year with them. It's hard for me to think that way, though... I mean not want to grab them and drag my feet in time's everlasting march forward.

    I can tell you I am 38 and I still hug my dad and say, "I love you daddy." . Daughters can grow up, but you'll always be their daddy.

     
    Old 01-23-2017, 01:44 AM   #11
    Med75
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Thanks for your reply I'm lying here can't sleep again my brain won't stop thinking about it going around circles in my head I just can't take my mind off it any ideas how I can take my mind off it

     
    Old 01-23-2017, 09:29 AM   #12
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    Each time you think these thoughts, count your blessings. Your children are healthy.
    They are presumably happy and having good lives. They are loved and love you. When you find yourself getting panicky, replace that thought with gratefulness. Simmers and redirects me every single time.

     
    Old 01-23-2017, 10:10 AM   #13
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    Re: I'm getting really upset about my children getting older

    You need to talk about it to your wife and a therapist/counselor.

    q
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