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  • Am I going crazy?



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    Old 12-31-2017, 07:44 PM   #1
    SomberScarlet
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    Am I going crazy?

    I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 6 years, and I love him with all my heart. I cheated on him once in my relationship, and it was back in junior year of high school. I liked the guy very much, and I realized how I messed up. I stopped associating with him and built a stronger relationship with my boyfriend. We now have a beautiful baby girl together and I have been very happy. We stopped talking as friends, and I wished him happiness. The guy I cheated with committed suicide 2 years ago, and I was upset because I lost a friend.. But I didn't have really any grief. I know I didn't love him anymore, and I still don't. I have always had a problem with talking to people that aren't there.. and I normally just treat them like fleeting thoughts. I could almost see him there and I would tell him to leave.. because I didn't want him there.. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. I understand that he was a friend, but that's all it was and even if he were alive I wouldn't choose him/be with him. Normally, he will just go away and leave me be. I know it's all in my head. But I feel so guilty lately because I haven't told my boyfriend.. that I told him everything. I told him and he understood. He told me to just move on with him, but it feels like the guy is haunting me reminding me of what I did. I feel like I can't love my boyfriend and my daughter the way they deserve. I'm to the point where I feel so guilty that I'm getting sick, not wanting to eat or do anything. I know how I feel about my boyfriend and my daughter and know I no longer have any feelings other than friendliness to the other guy. Is there any advice to where I should go.. what I should do?

     
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    Old 12-31-2017, 09:26 PM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Dear Somber,

    We certainly are NOT responsible for anyone else's decisions. The way out of the funk you have been in, in my opinion, is first to understand that you, yourself, was not much more than a child back then. And, secondly, to understand that no matter what mistakes in judgement you may have made, that was only about you. You did not have power to create that young man's reality. That guy is gone and he has no power over you.

    I too used to have 'haunted' feelings about a past someone's unhappiness, for many years. I really am not usually a superstitious person, but in this case the negative feelings would just not go away until I began to think rationally. Now I realize that what I had been burdened with was false guilt.

    Do you have sadness or even anger about what that guy chose? If you knew his past, I bet that you would discover a lot of dysfunction long before he even met you. What that guy chose had absolutely NOTHING to do with you; you were not the cause of his choices. Suicide is not done out of love. It is from self-loathing. We can't 'make' anyone feel that way.

    There is NOTHING to confess to the father of your child. There is no reason to burden him with it.

    Forgive yourself for blaming yourself for this guy's own choices. Your healthy choices for yourself did not control that guy from the past. If he was jealous or blamed you for your happiness, that would make him an extremely self-centered and selfish person.

    The past is over with. Forgive the guy for what he did, and let him rest in peace. He was never your family, so just enjoy your own family.

    To stop dwelling on the past, just say goodbye to it every time the thought comes up. It has nothing to do with now or your future.
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 12-31-2017 at 09:30 PM.

     
    Old 12-31-2017, 10:30 PM   #3
    SomberScarlet
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Another issue is now I feel like I can't kiss my boyfriend or love him because that guy is there. I kiss my boyfriend and feel guilty for thinking of the other guy(not in a lovey way), but I feel like he's there haunting me watching me.. and I just want him to go away.

     
    Old 01-01-2018, 07:30 AM   #4
    yayagirl
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    No, he is NOT there. He is dead.

    The feeling is real, but that he is there is not real.
    Some part of you seems to enjoy living in that imaginary place.

    You can choose to stop obsessing about those memories. Memories do not mean the guy is there. This is all about your own self, today, not about the guy or the past.

    I used to get lost in that kind of thought life myself. I had a great deal of regrets over choices I had made. How would you feel if your boyfriend told you he has fantasies of another woman every time he kisses you? You need to clean up your fantasy life, and yes, it is just a choice. And, why do you fantasize that the old boyfroend killed himself over you? How do you know he was not abused by someone or in love with someone else? You cannot know why he did what he did. His whole life was not all about you.

    If you want to keep what you have today (your present boyfriend), then you have to CHOOSE to forgive the GHOST of the past and say GOOD-BYE to it, and forgive yourself. Kick the past to the curb.

    It may help you to write a long letter of your regrets and feeling of sorrow for that guy, and other things you feel guilty about then burn it, saying good bye to the past. You can also ask God to forgive you. God is alive and has power to forgive and free us from old guilty feelings. What you have been choosing to dwell on is called obsession. It is not realistic or reality.

    For your child's sake and your own sake, you need to actively deal with this penchant to obsession right now. You are the only one that can stop this pattern. And, yes, you CAN stop it.

    You have a choice to make. Yes it is in your power to stop dwelling on the past. No one outside of your self can make that choice for you.
    __________________
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 01-01-2018 at 07:34 AM.

     
    Old 01-01-2018, 09:21 AM   #5
    SomberScarlet
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Would it help to go to therapy and maybe get some sort of medicine for it? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, but the devil is working in me and trying to tell me that it would be an easy fix to the problem. I love this man with all my heart and I do honestly believe it is true love. We have been through thick and thin together and want to get married.

     
    Old 01-01-2018, 10:08 AM   #6
    yayagirl
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Dear Scarlet,

    I do not believe medication helps stop or prevents us from believing lies. I doubt you are mentally ill. I think you are confused about where you end and another person begins. That belief usually comes from family of origin dysfunction, where personal responsibility is taught by example to be enmeshed with what others feel and do. I had that kind of upbringing, myself, and for years believed I was responsible for all of the negativity in the world. Well, dear, you are responsible ONLY for your own negative thinking. Not anyone else's. And, you can change your thought life, by practicing truth.

    Dead people can not speak. If a spirit did tell you those lies, you can counter the lies with the truth. The truth is you have no way to know what was on the mind of that guy and not anyone except your self. I do believe the spirit world is real. But I also do not believe spirits control us. We have a mind of our own, that we need to use to dwell on what is good and uplifting.

    Dwelling on what another person did to harm himself is not healthy thinking or even your reality. You have NO way to know what was on his mind, except that it was completely unhealthy. There is no reason to equate guilty feelings with anyone else's behavior. We do not have control over others and we cannot read their minds. I do believe the devil is real and is the father of lies. I do not believe you are 'possessed' or controlled by the devil. I think possibly you blame yourself unnecessarily and are not comfortable with your own happiness. Perhaps a therapist can help you understand what from your past convinced you to believe those lies.

    I do think therapy can help you learn to value and respect your own self so that you don't fear or take responsibility for other people's well-being or decisions.

    Keep in mind that we have to practice right thinking, when we are not used to it. I came from a very dysfunctional family that was based on a lot of untruth and dysfunction. Therapy can encourage healthy thinking, but we alone can choose it for ourselves. And, it requires a healthy thinker to help guide us. Not all therapists are healthy thinkers, so be careful who you pick for therapy. Reading references on Yelp is one way to see what patients think of professionals.
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 01-01-2018 at 10:17 AM.

     
    Old 01-01-2018, 10:45 AM   #7
    SomberScarlet
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by YaYagirl View Post
    Dear Scarlet,

    I do not believe medication helps stop or prevents us from believing lies. I doubt you are mentally ill. I think you are confused about where you end and another person begins. That belief usually comes from family of origin dysfunction, where personal responsibility is taught by example to be enmeshed with what others feel and do. I had that kind of upbringing, myself, and for years believed I was responsible for all of the negativity in the world. Well, dear, you are responsible ONLY for your own negative thinking. Not anyone else's. And, you can change your thought life, by practicing truth.

    Dead people can not speak. If a spirit did tell you those lies, you can counter the lies with the truth. The truth is you have no way to know what was on the mind of that guy and not anyone except your self. I do believe the spirit world is real. But I also do not believe spirits control us. We have a mind of our own, that we need to use to dwell on what is good and uplifting.

    Dwelling on what another person did to harm himself is not healthy thinking or even your reality. You have NO way to know what was on his mind, except that it was completely unhealthy. There is no reason to equate guilty feelings with anyone else's behavior. We do not have control over others and we cannot read their minds. I do believe the devil is real and is the father of lies. I do not believe you are 'possessed' or controlled by the devil. I think possibly you blame yourself unnecessarily and are not comfortable with your own happiness. Perhaps a therapist can help you understand what from your past convinced you to believe those lies.

    I do think therapy can help you learn to value and respect your own self so that you don't fear or take responsibility for other people's well-being or decisions.

    Keep in mind that we have to practice right thinking, when we are not used to it. I came from a very dysfunctional family that was based on a lot of untruth and dysfunction. Therapy can encourage healthy thinking, but we alone can choose it for ourselves. And, it requires a healthy thinker to help guide us. Not all therapists are healthy thinkers, so be careful who you pick for therapy. Reading references on Yelp is one way to see what patients think of professionals.
    I just don't know where to start. I feel temporarily relieved.. just enough to sleep but soon as I wake up I look at my boyfriend and curl up to him.. but all of a sudden I feel haunted again. Like no matter what I do.. I don't love my ex. He was a nice guy and all, but I know that while it was intense.. That all it was is puppy love that wouldn't last. Plus, I knew my boyfriend was who I wanted to be with. He protects me, he takes care of me and our daughter, and we are happy together. I can joke with him and be 100 percent myself with him. I love him so much, and all I want is to go back to the way things were. I didn't think about him like this.. until about a week ago. I never really felt haunted. Normally it was just him popping in my head and me telling him I was happy. I know in my heart where I want to be.. what I want.

     
    Old 01-01-2018, 03:40 PM   #8
    yayagirl
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    Re: Am I going crazy?

    Dear Somber,

    It seems that you like the idea of a dead person having power over you. I think you enjoy it. I don't know why else you would be making this all up.

    I believe you know better than the way you are writing. You know that dead people don't 'pop' into anyone's head.
    __________________
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