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  • Not Looking Forward to This Trip



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    Old 03-04-2018, 01:09 PM   #1
    ItsMyLife486
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    Not Looking Forward to This Trip

    Over Easter my fiance and I will be visiting his parents. I am not looking forward to this trip. We will be staying with his parents in their house. I have met his parents before, but do not know them very well. I do not like staying in other people's houses or with other people. I feel like I can't be myself or act like myself. I am worried that I will say/do something wrong (in this case I am fearful of setting off his mother's asthma).

    Another thing that is adding to my anxiety is the fact that I am afraid I will not be able to deal with it like I usually do. When I get to overwhelmed I need to be alone and do something mindless like read a book, watch TV, or even work (I know that last one doesn't make sense...I'm a teacher I work on the fun stuff like creating lessons). I am staying at their house and don't feel like I can escape for a couple of hours.

    My fiance is really good about "dealing" with my anxiety, but I don't feel that way in this case. His response is "this is what my family does...we stay with each other." My family doesn't do that. Maybe if they did I wouldn't be having these feelings, but they don't. In my family if you are visiting from out of state you stay in a hotel.

    This probably sounds like nothing and I should probably just get over it. I'm just looking for some advice with dealing with this situation.

     
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    Old 03-05-2018, 10:23 AM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Not Looking Forward to This Trip

    Hi. Are you prescribed any kind of anti anxiety medicine? Have you learned any coping mechanisms? Breathing exercises, mediation? These are all things you can do literally in the bathroom if you need to..

    Maybe you will find that you really like his mother...maybe you can even open up and tell her about how anxious you are...simply tell her you want to make a good impression and you are really anxious that she likes you...you dont have to tell all; but it might surprise you that if you open up alittle, you might get a good response.

    Keep being honest with your bf...let him know that you will try it his way but if it doesnt work, you need him to understand that his way might not be the best way to deal with an uncomfortable situation...remember, you can always excuse yourself to make a phone call and walk around the block when you feel like escaping.

    Good luck. You can do this!
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    Old 03-05-2018, 10:58 AM   #3
    ItsMyLife486
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    Re: Not Looking Forward to This Trip

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post
    Hi. Are you prescribed any kind of anti anxiety medicine? Have you learned any coping mechanisms? Breathing exercises, mediation? These are all things you can do literally in the bathroom if you need to..

    Maybe you will find that you really like his mother...maybe you can even open up and tell her about how anxious you are...simply tell her you want to make a good impression and you are really anxious that she likes you...you dont have to tell all; but it might surprise you that if you open up alittle, you might get a good response.

    Keep being honest with your bf...let him know that you will try it his way but if it doesnt work, you need him to understand that his way might not be the best way to deal with an uncomfortable situation...remember, you can always excuse yourself to make a phone call and walk around the block when you feel like escaping.

    Good luck. You can do this!
    I have never been prescribed medication because what I have been doing helps. As long as I do something calming and away for awhile I'm fine. I really do like is mother and I have no problem spending time with her. She is aware I am anxious about the trip, but she thinks it is her when really it is the having to stay in their house. My fiancé did not explain it her well and now she thinks it's her.

     
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    Old 03-05-2018, 01:09 PM   #4
    yayagirl
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    Re: Not Looking Forward to This Trip

    Dear ItsMyLife486,

    You're feeling is completely normal. And, you can get through this.
    Keep breathing, slow and easy. Life is full of new adjustments.This is similar to starting a new job. We don't know everyone or what to expect, but we do our part. If we don't know our part we ask questions.

    Blending families takes a lot of understanding and give. Don't expect them to bend themselves around you. Just as your side of the family will not bend themselves around your new husband. We have to give to fit ourselves in.

    Think about when someone brings someone you don't know to your family's home. It doesn't feel completely comfortable to them or you, but you allow them in your space. This is the same thing. Two becoming One means two people will never be exactly the same again. A successful marriage means we both have to change. You will always be you. But if you have children they will be part his side of the family and never will be just your blood. Stepping out of yourself to accommodate his family's traditions is a first step. You can do this.

    What you feel is completely normal. I prefer my own space, too. But as you know, life doesn't afford strict isolation just because we prefer it. This isn't just about you and fiance'. You will have your comfortable private time at your own home and in situations that don't include his side of the family. This situation is about who he is and where he comes from, the people he loves and that loves him before he ever met you, which is important for you to learn and experience, because in marriage it's no longer about me. It is about family. You can take time to yourself or just with new hubby most of the time. But not always.

    I'm sure you understand that marriage means nothing will ever be the same again. This is just the beginning, sweetie. Keep breathing. You can do this. Whatever you do, I suggest that you not alienate your fiance or his family by insisting on isolating yourself. You are about to become their family and they yours. Getting to know them will help you a great deal in gaining understanding of who he really is and help you to be able to not take the normal differences personally. Be patient with yourself and with the others.

    Whatever you do, don't hole yourself up in a bedroom or isolate yourself. It's OK to be quiet or just sit and listen. But ask questions, too. Make sure to personally explain to MIL to be that you just feel nervous in new surroundings and it is nothing against her.

    Emotions are normal, and I think you are strong and can do this.

    Love,
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    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 03-05-2018 at 01:20 PM.

     
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