| Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
thanks stacia. but do the lumps i mentioned on my neck sound like they might be at all related to the thyroid? b/c i don't have anything unusual on my neck where my thyroid is, just the ones i mentioned. i dont have health insurance right now but i should be getting it back soon. i think i will go to the doctor and get it checked out. i guess it's just hard for me to even really feel like this might be the answer to my problem. i dont even want to get my hopes built up, because i've done that before. but ever since realizing the thyroid condition is a possibility and reading the symptoms, i've felt differently. i feel like i'm just surrendering. not in bad way, in a good way. like i'm finally realizing that maybe i dont have control over this. something is wrong with me, wrong with my head, wrong with my thyroid, wrong with something. and it simply isn't going to go away on its own no matter how hard i try, no matter how good of a person that i remind myself i am, i just cant do this anymore on my own. and i cried for real today for the first time in the longest time i can remember. because before, when i would cry, i would think to myself-you don't even have the right to cry, you do this to yourself. but today, i felt like i had the right. i think that means something. if this thyroid thing isn't the problem, i dont know what i'm going to do. and i'm surprised at myself even thinking it may be a medical condition, because i simply didn't think that there was a medical condition that could make me feel like this, since its not exactly depression or anxiety or anything like that, its a constant fog. it's not being able to hold a conversation for 5 minutes because you're just lost. just completely lost. all the time, no matter where you are or who you're with. and if i'm still like this when i'm 30, my life will have been wasted. i've already wasted five years. i'm so tired.
Timber: i really wish i could tell you what i wish one of my friends would do for me. but the truth is, there's nothing they could do for me. anything that will be done has to come from me. i mean every person i meet tries to break the surface, tries to get inside me, to get to know me. its not their fault that it isnt happening. its mine. i dont let it happen. or my condition or whatever the hell it is, doesn't let it happen. i've hurt so many people, so many great people, friends i grew up with, by not ever returning their calls or going to see them when they ask. its terrible i know, and i'm still doing it today to the few friends who still bother to call me. if i was them, i'd hate me. but they keep trying cause i know they see that person inside of me that i see sometimes too. very rarely, but i do see her. and it just reminds me of how much i miss her. anyways enough of this. i just want help.
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