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KnuckleDown 01-21-2005 09:42 AM

not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
i dont know what will come of writing this, but i'm doing it on the off chance that somebody will be able to give me some insight into what my problem is. which may not even be possible. but all i can do is try.

every day i go through the same round of questions in my head. why can't i reach my real potential? i've always been very unique, and i dont just say that because it's what people have told me, i say it because i believe it. i see things in a very different light than most people. i know i have the capacity to be very intelligent, to make life-long friends, and to have a hell of a lot of fun in my life. but instead i wake up in the morning go to bed at night and in between i just sort of pass time. but not really even pass time. i just feel stuck, always. so my problem is this: i dont know who i am. every day i feel different because every day i try to fill in the blank spaces inside with something else. but i never fill them in at all. i have friends, people who love me who i could call anytime, but i dont. and when they call me, i just press the ignore button. and when i actually do force myself to hang out with one of them, its just uncomfortable the whole time. because on the surface, it seems like i just dont have anything to say. which i know is the farthest thing from the truth imaginable. i mean, i SHOULD have things to say. i would if i could just get past this barrier. this[COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]in my head that wont let me be free. i used to think it was anxiety, and even went on Paxil for a while but it did nothing, and i realize now that i dont think it is anxiety. so i dont think its any sort of chemical imbalance in my brain, its just me. and i dont understand why i keep doing this to myself. i never DO anything. the fact that i just woke up an hour ago means nothing really, just a new day to battle this confusion in my head. this huge gaping hole inside of me. and i'm not depressed really, because i dont even really feel anything. blank blank blank. cant feel anything when you're thinking all the time "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" i have a journal filled with pages of lines asking the same questions, and there are no answers. i just keep asking. so i guess that's what i'm doing here too. i'm asking if anyone out there has any idea what my [COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]problem is. its a long shot, and i know this whole post is probably pretty vague and maybe i didnt even make sense. i'm just so tired of not having a life, and its especially maddening because i know what a great life i COULD have if i could just get the[COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]out of this.

if anyone read that whole thing, i really appreciate it. i guess i'm just looking for any insight, any advice, anything really. thank you.

luv2read 01-21-2005 10:07 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
Sounds like depression to me. I get that way most days too.

Some days just taking a shower is an accomplishment. Then other days I'm cleaning, cooking, going to the grocery store....and then boom, all of a sudden I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything...just want to sleep and be by myself.

Lots of days I also feel like I'm just passing time. It's sooo nice to come here and talk to people who understand.

Hang in there, I know some days are hard... :wave:

KnuckleDown 01-21-2005 10:28 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
thank you for your reply. i really dont think its depression, but no matter what it is, you're right, it is nice to be able to talk to people who at least feel the same as me in some way. because thats hard for me to find in my life, since i never REALLY talk to anyone. sometimes i have to laugh at it. all these thoughts about who i am and what i'm doing, its almost funny. but as soon as i think that, i go right back to those same thoughts. oh well. every day i give myself a new theme. something to motivate myself, like "you have to become the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with." and i know how true that is, and so i try to live by that mantra for as long as i can, but it never lasts. i just want to remember what it feels like to have fun, to be truly excited about something, to be able to have a great conversation with a good friend. these are the things i want the most. and the most painful part is that there's absolutely no reason i shouldn't be able to have these things. it seems like it's only me holding me back. and i dont know why i do it to myself. i'm a 19 year old young woman who is beautiful and intelligent and compassionate and all these other great things. but not one of them matters because i dont show any of them. they're lost. and i have no idea where they went.

thanks again for your reply, its much appreciated.

Destiny81583 01-21-2005 11:54 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
I don't really have any advice or insight...but as crazy as it sound EXACTLY like me. It's like I have no ambition to go out and "be all I can be." I don't understand it either, I have a really great fiance` who is sometimes able to make me do things that I really like or want to do but wouldn't normally. But other than that....I do the same things you do. Ever want to aim sn is the same as my sn here.

hry33 01-21-2005 12:06 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
Hi knuckledown
it sounds loke depression to me
I know its hard to get started but do get out, go places and visit friends, tell them how you feel as usually it isnt apparent

an antidepressant med may help, they often do

try exercise or some physical activity when you get the thoughts
how old are you? I am 62

natalie_ogle 01-21-2005 12:45 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
If you don't think you have depression or anxiety than maybe you just need someone or something to inspire you or something. I don't know if you are religious or spiritual or anything but when I was deeply consumed by anxiety and depression my mom and I tried every option. Went to like 4 different doctors twice and took every test in the book. As an alternative approach my mom made appointments with intuitive healers and psychics (not the entertainment purpose kind). Anyways, even if those things did not help, they inspired me to do things and really made me feel special. I don't know, just a suggestion. :) Also, I find that I am in you position sometimes when I think of how my life could be if I could just step out and do it but I never do. I have many days where I just try and pass the time. I think I just do not like people (haha) but I think it is just because I never feel comfortable around them anymore unless they understand me.

Stacia 01-21-2005 08:22 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
This may sound like a dumb question but have you had your Thyroid check? I started have anxiety and panic attacks. Never had this before in my life. I had a real crappy summer. My mother-in-law died of Leukemia. She was 57 and spent the last 3 months of her life in the hospital and my husband we found out had brain damage from a stoke. (He's 34 and he's fine.) I assumed this is why I had my anxiety. Felt like I wasn't handling life as well as I thought. Went to the doc, she gave me zoloft. Two weeks into the meds I was still have chest pain. Honestly, thought I had a heart problem. My wonderful mom that she is drug my tush to ER one morning. They ran a bunch of blood work and found my thyroid was totally out of wack. Went to a specialist and now feel real good. Anywho, I was talking with some people at work about this thyroid thing and this guy was telling me that he went to the doc because he felt sad all the time. He didn't feel he was depressed just sad, tired, lack of motivation. They found his thyroid wasn't working. He's been taking thyroid meds now and feels great. I don't know if that's your problem or not but it certainly wouldn't hurt to get it checked out.

turt_the_turtle 01-22-2005 02:30 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
Do you have any hobbies? If so maybe you can find a club or group that does this sort of hobby. That way your not obligated to talk but if you want to at least yull have one thing in common. Keeping up with a social life isnt easy, especialy when you get into a rut of not going out. It trains your mind to have a certain reaction when you think about going out (or talking on the phone, etc). You may feel like you have to force yourself at first but the more you do it the better it gets. You have to re-train your initial response and the only way to do it is to get involved in your social life again as much as possible. [COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]Force yourself for a couple months you will see a change !

Stacia 01-22-2005 05:04 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
Knuckledown - Seriously, you should get it checked. Not just your TSH but have the doc do Free T4 and Free T3 and also test your antibodies. I'm new to the Thyroid world but I've been told that your TSH can be normal but other things can be off.

islandkate 01-22-2005 07:57 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
You are soooo young, I have a 19 yr. old son myself!
I would definateley check out the thyroid issue........and even to I do NOT like antidepressants for young people, mabee you were not treated with the right kind and long enough?
I would also sujjest THERAPY!! Not enough money? If you r in Canada, just get recommended by your GP and it is is in B.C. anyway.......or I am sure where ever you are there are options for free therapy.
You are very young.....was there problems in your life/childhood? Mabee things that didn't bother u in childhood, but may be an underlying issue now?
Are you shy mabee.....don't feel up to snuff with others. Can be alot of things.......definately try the councilling/therapy route. You sound very sad! Much too sad for a young person of 19 years old!!!!! Have a girlfriend.....or bad relationship that broke your heart? Mabee sports would help get out some of the inhibitions , or somewhere around the arts or wriying........lots of journals you say? Mabee a BOOK is in order!!! :wave:

Stacia 01-22-2005 08:45 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
:wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:

You need to go to the Thyroid Disorders and read the symptoms of hypothyroidism. If you click on the second thread called Information Archive and read the 4th posting I think you'll be surprised. A lot of the things you described in how you feel are on that list.

Please read it. It would be so nice if you could feel better. You never know, that could be your problem. If it is, you'll start to feel better real soon.

Take care.


MrMonk 01-23-2005 02:40 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
[COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]I've been on every anti-depressant in the book and NOTHING worked at all. I thought all hope was lost when I reluctantly visited my shrink for yet another appointment. I suppose reading these and other forums helped because I was able to accurately describe my problems to the doc this time (depersonalization was something I never understood before). I don't remember our discussion as well as I should but I remember the doc linking my symptoms to some kind of mild brain seizures. Seizures that cause anxiety? Incredible. Well, he prescribed for me a drug called Klonopin and it worked great. Before taking the drug I had the same problems as KnuckleDown (not wanting to talk to anybody, for example) but for some reason, I began to enjoy talking to people on the phone again and I was a lot more relaxed in public. Now, I'm not gonna claim to be Mr. super-extrovert now but I feel at least a little more comfortable in social situations and I feel like I can handle things better. I say it's worth a shot for anyone who has failed to troubleshoot their problems.

Me: 20 year-old male.

P.S. - If you do take the medicine, make sure to NOT take the generic Clonazepam as that is a worthless variation. When I took it (Doctor made the mistake once of not specifying non-generic on script) I found that it had NO effect whatsoever and caused sleep problems.

KnuckleDown 01-23-2005 09:19 PM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
thanks a lot stacia, and everyone else who replied. i really appreciate the advice. the thyroid thing has me a little interested/worried/relieved that maybe i have an actual problem that can be addressed. i went and read the symptoms on the thyroid section of the board and i definitely identified with quite a few of them. also, for a number of years now I have had an almond-sized lump on the left side of my neck. it moves around if i touch it, feels soft. it also has seemed to me for a while that the right side of my neck is just bigger. like it almost feels inflamed, but its just been like that for a while. doesnt hurt or anything. could these have anything to do with a thyroid problem? where is your thyroid, exactly? i also have a pea-sized little lump on the upper-right back of my neck, where my hairline starts. you may be wondering why i havent had any of these things checked out, and i really dont know how to answer that. they scared me really badly for a while but i was too scared to even get them checked out or tell anyone so eventually i just decided to live with them, and since i'd been assuming "hey, nothing's wrong with me yet" i thought it was ok. but maybe it isn't. could any of these be connected with the thyroid? if anyone has any insight or any ideas, that would be great. thank you.

bladebeam 01-24-2005 02:15 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
It sounds like a lack of motivation to me, I know exactly what you mean about when people call you and you dont answer aswell.My friends all go out and do stuff and I dont go, because I just want to do my own thing. I dont know why because they are great friends, and I also have the same obsessive thoughts as yourself. I am going to get some sort of hobbie and I recommend the same to yourself. Hope that helps.

Jeffry 01-24-2005 06:18 AM

Re: not anxiety, but i'm desperate for someone who understands. i dont.
Dear Knuckledown

For the past few weeks, I've been visiting this Forum and reading many postings, because I am experiencing some anxiety. I think this is my first reply -- although, as a 'gentleman of a certain age' :) I may have forgot a posting. Like several other readers, I found your posting very interesting and thought-provoking. I am male and 64 so there are obviously substantial differences in our lives and experiences. Yet I can relate to some of your observations about your own state of mind. I will reply with a few insights that I have developed about myself, when I find myself having thoughts and feelings similar to yours.

Self-acceptance is very important for me. What I mean is: I do better when I stop comparing myself to some 'ideal' goal which I think I 'should' attain, and celebrate the person I am. True, many people (and businesses) these days emphasize the idea that we should be goal-focused, future-focused, ideal-focused. I believe that is a mistake. Related to that is that I do better when I keep my attention (as much as I can) here and now, rather than down the road in the future. Even when I am not satisfied with myself 'here and now', I try to remind myself that I inevitably live my life here and now. (A friend told me this: "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift...which is why we call it 'the present'.")

Your posting seems to me to contain a very strict judgement of yourself. (It's a very articulate posting, by the way, as well as interesting and informative.) Perhaps you are not asking the right questions about yourself, when you ask, "What's wrong with me?" I prefer, "What's right with me?" Start there, and move on from there to other questions (rather than the other way around).

Final idea I want to share with you is that I have found meditation to be helpful, when I get into that 'head loop' where my mind is continuously belittling myself. The kind of meditation I use is called 'mindfulness meditation' -- which is a branch of Buddhist meditation. I'm not sure if I am allowed to mention a name -- if not, just search for mindfulness meditation. The name I will mention is the Buddhist monk and writer, Thich Nhat Hanh; the book of his that I suggest is "Peace is Every Step".

A major message of this kind of meditation is 'loving kindness' or 'compassion'. The first place to direct your compassion is toward yourself.

Thanks for your posting, and good luck,


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