I perceive myself to be ugly causing lack of confidence

07-01-2005, 05:17 AM

I am new to this board, I hope to hear from some people, that would be cool!

I am currently working so hard on being the confident person I dream to be. I am so happy with my personality, I am very friendly, warm, kind, intelligent, interesting, exciting, etc, but I have a huge lack of confidence because I feel I look ugly, even though many people say I am reasonably good looking. But this lack of confidence is holding me back so much in life.

This lack of confidence has really done terrible things to my confidence, I always put myself down, I always think I am so ugly - i.e. if someone sees I am friendly with a girl some people say why don't you ask her out, but I always say don't be so stupid, she could never even look twice at me like that. I honestly believe no woman I like could ever even be 0.000000001% interested in me.

But this problem has made me absolutely hate being the centre of attention because I worry people will think of me what I think of myself - that I am ugly. I hate being judged negatively because I would never judge others negatively and I am a really nice person.

This perceiving of being ugly, well - I really don't know how I really look any more - I feel sometimes I can look really good - like after a good haircut and wearing nice clothes, but if I find myself in a situation of being the centre of attention and being looked at I just become incredibly anxious becaue I feel so uncomfortable being looked at. I guess that is social anxiety, but I have looked into the problem in great detail and put all my problems down to my incredibly negative self image.

This perceivedness of being ugly definitely has come about because of many, many, put downs, insults in the past that I have basically believed I must be ugly. But when I think back to the times I was most insulted it was times when I had spots as a teenager, or when I was thin as a teenager, or when my hair was really messy and scruffy I got lots of negative comments and also people used to say I had big ears, which I hated, my ears are not any more noticable than others I don't think, but so many comments in the past has left me to believe I am really ugly.
So basically I just have no confidence in how I look even though I make a lot of effort - stylish hair, nice clothes, very clean, etc. And this no confidence in how I look means I hate being centre of attention and feel no one I like could possibly like me too.

I am going to beat this, I am working on beating this problem extremely hard, I spend at least 15 hours a week researching my problem, I am so passionate about it and so determined and focused on beating it, nothing will stop me.
But I was just wondering if anyone has suffered or is suffering from what I do and has any good advice for me? I must point out I would never take medication for the anxiety this causes, I am here to beat it!!!

Thanks for reading, looking forward to some replies maybe?

07-01-2005, 08:09 AM

Hi Steve - It doesn't sound like to me you need medicine - doesn't sound like you are overly anxious so meds probably wouldn't help anyway.

Self-confidence is a really tough one. My husband is the same way as you. He always thinks people are judging him negatively or talking about him behind his back. I have known him since 6th grade and he thought he was the biggest nerd ever in high school, but I always thought he was very good looking. It took me about 3 years to convince him that I really thought he was very attractive, and now after being married for 7 months I think he finally believes me but he still thinks others are always judging him.

Unfortunately I don't really have any good advice for you, I think being in a strong relationship helps most people with their confidence, but getting to that point is the hard part, right? Sounds like you do have friendships with women, so that's a good start. Keep it up, you never know what a friendship might turn into. After 12 years of friendship with my husband it dawned on me one day that I wanted more with him.

In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing everything right. Dressing nice, keeping yourself clean, etc. You didn't mention if you work out or play sports - that is a huge confidence builder for me, especially being part of a team.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

07-01-2005, 09:42 AM

Thanks for your reply mjewell. Thanks for your kind words, I do suffer extremely from anxiety but only in particular situations where most people are nervous anyway, but for me its excessive. But I have ordered a book this afternoon on a topic related to social anxiety.

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I perceive myself to be ugly causing lack of confidence

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