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  • severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

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    Old 07-27-2005, 08:16 AM   #1
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    severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    warning this is kind of long.......

    Let me start off by telling you my story..

    at age 17 in march of 1994 i was just sitting in class one day and got hit with a racing pounding heart, blurred sight, feeling like i was gonna puke and pass out.. i couldnt even walk.. and had to have my friend and teacher walk on either side of me on the way to the nurse so i didnt fall over.. told her what was going on, she check my blood pressure and it was through the roof.. she called my mom to come get me..
    for the next few days i felt really weird like i couldnt think or anything it was like i was in a fog.. went to the Dr. after i kept having the same things happen day after day.. i was scared!.. he knew right away what it was and i was diagnosed with panic disorder.. he gave me a script for xanax and i was told to take 4 a day ( not when needed) which looking back now was not good.. after a week or 2 i seemed to start feeling a bit better but still on edge that it would happen again.. tried going back to school with no luck because i started getting attacks again.. they were getting so bad that i was in a state of terror all day every day... and both me and my family we wondering if something else was wrong with me.. we went through what seemed like 100 different tests.. MRI, heart, blood.. ect everything came back fine... but i was still sure there was something wrong with me... i am not sure when it happened but i developed this fear of being alone and had to be with my mother 24/7 or i would freak out and have another attack.. i couldnt leave the house unless she was with me and even then i was really scared.. all the time feeling like i was in a dream..

    we went to many different shrinks trying to find someone that could help.. and i was given many different ADs to try and treat it.. non of which helped.
    i was so sure i was losing my mind.. one day i remember very clear was having it get so bad i started crying/freaking and couldnt stop.. and ended up in the ER.. they said i had major depression ( which i didnt and i know i didnt i was just really scared and upset..) after that day i started to feel a little better.. i dont know why maybe because i got all the pent up emotion out of my system..

    i finally gave up on trying meds and shrinks because non of them seemed to know much about it back then and i just started to live with..

    over time i was able to get myself stable in being alone again and leaving the house by myself.. i was still really anxious but by the fall/winter of 1995 i was back on track and doing good.. i would still get anxious from time to time but nothing like before.. i stil had the underlying fear that it could happen again but i guess i kept my mind busy enough that it didnt bother me.. as more time went by i got less anxious..

    at some point between 1996-1997 (i dont remember when) i started to develop this fear of getting sick.. i wouldnt touch public door knobs or eat anything i didnt cook at home because i was afraid of getting a cold/flu or food poisoning.. i knida of know why this happened because there was some flu thing going around that was spread by chickens.. asian flu maybe?.. and i would always worry about it and then i stated to make up other stuff in my mind that could happen or i could get sick from.. and i was so worried that if i did get sick i would die.. this went on for quite a while until about 1999.. when i met my now wife.. i have a feeling my mind was so occupied with her that i forgot all about my problems and they seemed to vanish..

    we got married in 2001 and everything has been going good for me until jan of 2005.. i had started drinking a few months before (nasty habbit i picked up from going to a few partys) night i was sitting infront of the computer drunk playing a game and kind of zoning out on it when i got this weird thought in my head about killing my wife.. needless to say it scared the crap out of me and sent me into a panic/anxiety attack.. i couldnt believe i would even think such a thing.. i mean it really messed me up!..

    so after that i stopped drinking any alcohol.. but i couldnt get that darn thought out of my head no matter how hard i tried.. i would even see my self in my mind grabbing a knife and stabbing her and every time i had a thought like that i would freak and have another anxiety attack... i was feeling more and more scared and anxious as the days went by and kept thinking what if i was going insane or becoming schizo..

    so like a moron i started to look up symptoms on the net and yeah i meet some of them..
    after reading the symptoms i started to worry about it more and become more anxious and scared.. ever sence then i have been nit picking every little thing that may meet the symptoms and i actually believe i have it now.. which sucks.. for example i was thinking about hearing voices and i started to make them up in my head.. i knew i was doing it but it still scared me.. and now i cant get that thought out of my head..

    another example... i was again i was looking at the symptoms and saw that it can cause a change in taste.. as i was reading it a i had an anxiety attack and low and behold the next thing i ate tasted weird to me..

    and one more.. now every time i try to think about something or when i lay down to sleep my thoughts race like crazy most of them are really weird and make no sense at all..

    uggghh this is getting really out of control... its been 6 months since that night when it first started again and i am anxious all the time worring about something i probably dont have but i am tricking myself into thinking i do.. i cant think about anything else.. and feel like i am losing it..

    has anyone else had anything like this happen to them? can just the power of suggestion really make a person that is prone to anxiety/panic make up symptoms of another mental/physical problem? and actually believe them?

    Last edited by Punkdizzle; 07-27-2005 at 08:33 AM.

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    Old 07-27-2005, 08:35 AM   #2
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    Punkdizzle~~~Oh yes, just reading about diseases can make you feel like you have them...I would get on the internet and type in all the symptoms I was having and up would pop all this stuff..YEP, I had them..I too have been to the ER MANY times with heart attack, stroke symptoms, brain tumor and on and on...All the symptoms are very real..I too am on zanex and have been for probably 15 yrs..just a low dose unless I need a little more..seems to take the edge off but HATE MYSELF for being so darned weak and having no control of my mind...Saw counselors for many years also..all these things help some but "it's" still there !!! God Bless and keep talking, it helps to know others are out there going through the same thing...

    Old 07-27-2005, 08:58 AM   #3
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    Of course thoughts of killing anyone are very scarey. I personally have never had these thoughts although I do think about loved ones dying. I believe I would seek some counseling just to be sure that you work through these issues and that they don't bother you anymore. It sounds like you love your wife and that she's brought good things to your life by lessening your anxiety symptoms. So - you definitely want to be comfortable with yourself and to try to understand where those thoughts came from. You can definitely talk yourself into other mental and physical disorders by surfing the net and cross referencing symptoms. I do it all the time. I think I would get some professional advice. Good luck

    Old 07-27-2005, 09:04 AM   #4
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    just wanted to let ya know i too get those things you described.If i feel something physical and I get on the net and start looking things up i drive myself nuts! also my hubby it almost becomes the only only thing i talk or wanna talk about because i have gotten so worried i am looking for people to tell me i am fine and even then i dont believe it.
    I have had loads and loads of physical things through the years of having anxiety.I also get those racing thoughts alot when trying to get to sleep they are usualy odd,strange,and or make no sense.

    Old 07-27-2005, 11:01 AM   #5
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    Funny, my panic disorder started about the same time as yours did. I was 17 in 1995 and about to graduate high school in the spring of that year, and for a few months I was ravaged with panic attacks. Went to the ER at least a few times, but I didn't get diagnosed with PD at the time, as the doctors were clueless.

    It was all pretty scary and intense, as I thought I was dying of some mystery illness. Anyway, it went away on its own by the summer of that year, and by the time I started college, everything was OK as far as panic was concerned. Unfortunately, though I was still had health anxiety, but not at such an extreme level.

    In 2002, I had another panic attack and that time went to a GP and told him about my experience and he prescribed Paxil. I took it, and I was panic free for a year. After a while on the med, I felt "normal" enough that I decided to quit taking the med (thinking why do I even need it anymore). That was a big mistake, as in the 2 years following quitting the Paxil, I've had a severe level of anxiety and I can relate to many the things you write about. I've read some Panic Disorder Self Help books, and I think I have a good grasp as to why I'm suffering from the disorder (think it's genetic, but I can identify some of my stressors), but I'm in bad shape right now, and I think I need to go back on something to straighten things out while I fix some problems in my life.

    From the last two years, what I've learned about panic is that it's somewhat mental, but I tend to buy into the theory of the chemical imbalance in my case because of my experience with Paxil (I'm substantially worse off now that I was initially before the Paxil and even back when I first had PAs, because they won't go away anymore).

    It all seems to start with a thought or an obsession - lets say worry about a disease - and then you can't stop thinking about it and start to think you are doomed or going to die and it really freaks you out to the point where you have a bad panic attack. No matter how many times I have gone through this it is very difficult to stop, and I think the key to controlling the attacks is to interrupt the negative thought stream in your head and replace it with a neutral or positive one. Another key is to warm up to and get used to the "symptoms" of a PA...i.e. the adrenal rush feeling, the blurred vision, racing heart, the palpitations, and the tingling in the extremities, etc. I know this is all logical, and my mind knows it, but sometimes it is difficult to put into practice because the FEELING overwhelms me - another reason I subscribe to the chemical imbalance theory. As long as the neurotransmitters are off, I can know exactly what is happening to me, but still freak out!!!

    As for the weird thoughts about murder and mayhem, this is also common with an anxiety disorder. They are basically obsessions, and my mind is constantly obsessing these days, but it is harmless unless you act up on it...and they way you diffuse these thought is to tell yourself, you're not going to act it out. Then it will just pass.

    I kind of hate being on meds myself, but I think I will eventually cave in because my problems don't seem to be getting better on their own. I would love to just wake up and be normal one day, but I doubt it's going to happen. I can't think myself out of this, and my problems seem to be sucking all the joy out of life. Anyway, take care and I hope you find a way to cope with your problem.

    Old 07-27-2005, 11:12 AM   #6
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    Hey don't worry my friend had the same thought about killing his wife you won't do it it's OCD, OCD can also be repetitive thoughts in your head I think OCD and anxiety go hand and hand. You just think of something worse that whats going in your life that is bothering you and that is worst thing you can think of. I have anxiety and OCD and so does my friend.

    Last edited by kasmpow; 07-27-2005 at 11:13 AM.

    Old 07-27-2005, 11:52 AM   #7
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    thank you guys so much for the responses! makes me feel a little better knowing other people are dealing with stuff like this and didnt lose their mind.

    i have a few questions...

    i have no appetite and my stomach always seems to be upset.. i know i need to eat more and would like to but i am just not hungry.. is there anything i can do to help with this? i do eat something everyday but i know its not enough to keep me healthy.. and i am losig weight.. which isnt to big of a deal yet but if it keeps going on like this i am gonna be skin & bones..

    i keep having a ringing in my ears when its quiet and its driving me nuts.. now i did play in alot of bands over the years and shot a gun a few times without hearing protection.. which is probably why its there but i never noticed it before.. could it be from the anxiety?

    and on that note has anyone noticed their hearing is really out of wack now? i am starting to notice every little noise around me anymore and sometimes if i hear a loud clang like pots and pans being put in the sink it makes me jump and my heart race big time.. stuff like that never bothered me before..

    i have also noticed that i seem to repeat things someone just said to me or something i heard on the TV over a few times in my head before i "get it" and sometimes it gets stuck in there for a few min even when i did "get it" which is kind of odd to me.. i mean its happened before when i wasnt feeling like this now and then but i seem to be doing it alot now..

    i have also noticed that when i am reading i have such a lack of concentration or i am reading so fast i am miss reading words and have to go back and read it again.. again i have had this problem before but it seems to be much worse now with the anxiety..

    oh yeah and i seem to have a hard time with my motor skills... getting kind of clumsy when i walk and feel kind of dizzy..

    anyone else have problems like that?

    Last edited by Punkdizzle; 07-27-2005 at 12:04 PM.

    Old 07-27-2005, 12:35 PM   #8
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    Re: severe anxiety. my story. and what can it do to you?

    yep i sure do get those things
    look up anxiety symptoms it is all there and when you see a symptoms that says "easily alerted" or " on high alert" that is like when you heard the pots and pans and then you got an adrenelen rush.I get that during high stress and anxiety times it can be a noise i would consider pretty queit when not going through a anxiety period ......but seems extremly loud ,scarey and annoying when i am in the anxiety state.The not being able to concentrate thing also very common in anxiety.I get the same way seems i cannot focus on anything .I can watch a movie and forget most of it as soon as its over somethimes.More then likely what is happening is during the movie our mind is actualy too busy focused on other things that we miss it .The ringing in the ears i get sometimes too it can come out of no where and last a few seconds to a few days off and on.Also everything else mentioned i have had before.

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