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  • I need help; I'm at the end of my rope



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    Old 03-01-2008, 09:45 PM   #1
    Roxx
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    I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Wow, I don't even know where to start so I guess I'll just launch into this.

    I am suffering from SEVERE anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. I've been prone to panic attacks for a while now but nothing like I'm having now. These are unbelieveable. Whereas before they used to last for minutes, now they are lasting for HOURS, some three hours or more at a time. I don't think my heart can stand this, literally, it feels like it's going to leap out of my chest it's pounding so hard. My blood pressure goes way up and my head throbs now with them. I know it's said that anxiety and panic attacks cannot kill a person but I believe they can.

    This all seemed to get so bad last May '07 when my mom fell and broke her hip and her arm. She spent the summer in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, and finally had to be moved into a facility for women suffering from memory loss and dementia. They told me that when they did surgery on her hip, the general anesthetic induced dementia in her. My mom was my best friend and we were together every day. Now, while she still knows me, she is failing rapidly and we can no longer be together as we were.

    I don't want this to get too lengthy so I will just say that throughout the last year I have discovered that the small amount of family and friends I have are all "fair weather" people. I was feeling so bad last summer about everything that I asked, no, actually begged and pleaded with everyone I know, to let me come and stay with them for a bit to get away from it all. Without exception, everyone turned their back on me and flatly told me no. My husband tells me that it's because I'm such a miserable person that no one wants me.

    Now, my husband...he is extremely abusive mentally, emotionally, and verbally. Physically a couple times but it's mainly the other types of abuse that he practices. He never talks to me anymore and when he does, it's merely to tell me how worthless I am, and to stay out of his face. He's a pilot and is gone for four or five days every week and I've become so terrified to be home by myself that I think I can't stand it anymore. I've told him that I think I will die if I'm left alone again and he says, "Die then." He's so cold, uncaring, no compassion, wants my mom AND me both dead and gone. I think HE'S the one who has some type of personality problem and I don't know how I will spend the rest of my life with him but I have NOWHERE to go. I've even tried to go to a crisis house for a couple days and I was so miserable there that I begged to come home.

    Things are so bad that I have considered going into the hospital as inpatient status to try to be treated for my anxiety/panic/depression. I called my doctor last week and asked if he would have me admitted and he said no, he would not. He said I would have to go through the ER and I don't know if I have the strength to do that.

    Right now it seems my biggest problem is my horrible fear of being alone. Anyone else have that and what do you do about it? When I'm alone now, I just sit here shaking and crying. I'm even too nervous to take a shower or make myself anything to eat and I have diabetes so that's not good.

    The only thing I take for anxiety is some Valium. I've tried the tricyclic antidepressants and had such extremely bad reactions to them, the brain zaps, dizziness, etc., that I'm afraid to try any of the newer ones. They say they don't have as many side effects but at the same time they told me if I had side effects from the others, I probably will from these, too. I have some samples of Lexapro but haven't dared to take them yet, mainly because I am home alone so much.

    So, here I am....totally alone, no family, no friends, a husband who says he hates me more each day and would be better off if I were dead. How do I get the strength to move on from here and improve my life? Or don't I???

    Thank you in advance for any replies anyone would be kind enough to write.

    Last edited by msmod; 03-02-2008 at 07:52 AM. Reason: Removed censored word. Ms_Mod

     
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    Old 03-02-2008, 11:12 AM   #2
    Pri Lily
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    Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Hi...

    Roxx, you need help.....badly.

    In my opinion, you are at a stage of crisis, where the best thing would be for you to be hospitalized.

    If going to the Emergency room is the only way to get the help you need, then that's what you need to do.

    You can take my advice or not...as you choose. But I will tell you, that chances are, nothing will change, without you making some changes yourself.

    Lil

     
    Old 03-02-2008, 07:29 PM   #3
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    Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Hi Roxx,

    I agree with Pri Lily, do this for youself and get some help. It doesn't appear that it's going to come from your husband anytime soon. Your words tell a story and I don't want that story to end badly. You CAN do this, you just need to take the first step to doing it.

     
    Old 03-03-2008, 08:17 AM   #4
    Roxx
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    Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Thank you so much for your replies. I know you are both quite correct but I just don't know where I'm going to get the courage to do this. I'm so low on energy and motivation right now that I can't think straight.

    The situation with my husband is terrible and the situation of being so terrified when he's gone is even worse so I feel like I'm trapped in a maelstrom of neverending terror.

    Has anyone you know been hospitalized for anxiety or depression? I wonder what it's like?

     
    Old 03-03-2008, 11:58 AM   #5
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    Exclamation Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Hi Roxx,
    Yes hon I very much agree with Lily & Boo. In answer to your question I have spent time ( 3 times actually ALL voluntarily ) in the " hospital " as an Inpatient. I HIGHLY recommend that you do this as, at this point you are like the cat chasing its' tail No where to turn and in an Nonexitable ( is that a word? Guess it is now ) maze! NOW is when you need direction from skilled MD's Phd's etc: They will set you on a path of Goals that are so reachable even you won't believe it. I see a HUGE trigger here for you and that is your Mother. It seems to me that you feel you have/are losing your Best Friend and, well it can seem that way BUT, ask yourself...Wouldn't she want you to get help. Hon your suffering so badly ( I too have had and do again a husband that does not, can not, will not even try to understand me in this Horrid Disorder ) remember 1 thing hon, WE are our ONLY " safe " person. Others can help some, offer encouraging words etc: but ultimately, WE have to do this alone ( PAD/GAD & Depression are VERY lonely business's ). You MUST get help in some form, the ER is a great start. I know how scary it is, I have been there, done that and am in a Horrible setback as I type this but, YOU have to take care of YOU...Please seek this help then you will see, things will be clearer and YOU will have more coping skills than ever before. I sure hope this helps and I wish you all the luck & love there is...I TRULY " feel " your pain as I am suffering so badly again too. Go on Brave Soul..Help YOU..
    Dana

    P.S. Try & get some Dr. Clare Weekes books...Her books saved my life twice literally!!

     
    Old 03-03-2008, 12:00 PM   #6
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    Arrow Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Oh 1 more thing Roxx, I too have the " Alone " Phobia ( among so many more )

     
    Old 03-04-2008, 10:28 AM   #7
    Roxx
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    Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Dana, thank you for all your kind and encouraging words. That is so sweet of you. I'm wondering, though, if you've been hospitalized three times and obviously treated for these disorders, why are you in such a tremendous relapse right now? Are you taking meds? What did they do for you in the hospital? And how long were you there?

    I totally agree, my mom was the trigger for all this that has happened to me in the last year. I did have some anxiety before that but when she was ripped out of my life, that was the last straw. I just went over the deep end.

    I'm sorry, too, that you suffer from a husband who sounds a lot like mine. Is he a mean man by nature or is he truly not understanding what is going on with you? My husband has a mean streak to his very core, just as his dad did, and how I wish I had paid attention to that in his dad and taken a cue from it.

    Yes, I think "nonexitable" is now a word, a very good word!

    How do you handle the fear of being alone? Are you alone a lot? As in your husband is gone, out of town, etc.? My husband is leaving tomorrow and I am in such panic mode that I can't quit crying today, it's really a bad day for me.

    Please write me back and let me know more of your story. It sounds like we share a lot of the same issues.

     
    Old 03-04-2008, 08:56 PM   #8
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    Arrow Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Hi again Roxx,
    Yes I was hospitalized 3 times ( remember I said Volentarally , I checked myself in to get AWAY from my husband ). Now, in the past 3 years I am in a VERY messy relationship but, no he is not abusive just no desire to learn about this. The times I spent in the hospital was well worth it eventhough I did it to " get away " . Group did wonders but, I am sure you see the TRIGGER here ( bad relationship ) and other things also have happened in the past 3 years to put me in this " setback ". I'm working on it, so I hope to see much progress SOON ( after I carry out my plan to rid myself of said " problem " HIM )
    I hope you feel better BUT, please don't expect a Magic Bullet as there is none We just have to hang in, keep going, and trust Ourselves to be our own Safe Person.
    Wiith Much Hope
    Dana

    Last edited by DanaP; 03-04-2008 at 08:58 PM.

     
    Old 03-07-2008, 05:05 PM   #9
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    Re: I need help; I'm at the end of my rope

    Roxx,

    may i ask how long you've been married{REMOVED} Did you have anxiety before you married him? What you have to believe is: you're worth SO MUCH MORE than that. It's your lunatic husband that needs to be locked up in the psych ward, not you.

    As far as I can tell, it's HIM that's made you have panic...but it all started with your low self-esteem.

    What part of the country do you live in? Do you work? Do you have kids?

    Last edited by msmod; 03-08-2008 at 07:27 AM. Reason: If you know a word is questionable enough that you must edited it, then please don't use that word at all.

     
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