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I want to be happy...

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Old 07-24-2008, 12:34 PM   #1
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I want to be happy...

I'll start out by saying I'm a 21 year old male if that's important. And I want to apologize now for this rambling, I'm just typing whatever comes to me, so please bare with me.

For the past couple years or so i've been suffering from anxiety. It wasnt so bad in the beginning but now its gotten to the point where it's making me sick. I always feel like something bad is going to happen, physically. I don't actually feel like something bad will happen, but just that feeling in your stomach when you know something will. It's like when you know you've done something wrong and you're going to get in trouble you feel that nauseous feeling in your stomach and chest. I always feel so nervous and it makes me nauseous. my hands are always shaking and sometimes it gets really bad. I can feel my body shaking in my skin and i'm getting tired of it. I feel so anxious and nervous in the comfort of my own home, and i feel like i just have to leave. I also feel unhappy and nothing really seems to matter much to me anymore. I don't really get excited about anything like I used to, I don't care to see anyone, I dont care to make plans. I feel like I have no desires whatsoever. I always feel so uneasy and my mind is always racing ith thoughts, usually negative. I want to be able to turn it off and just relax but I dont know how. I cant focus on anything, I cant invest myself in conversations because I cant pay attention. I always feel like I have a mental block and i cant express myself in any possible way. It's like i want to, but i just seriously can't, something is blocking me from doing that and i don;t know what or why. It's like my mind shuts off. It's strange because my head is always racing and i am always thinking and worrying, but once i'm asked what i'm thinking, or if i try to write it out even, i just lose sight of it all. I wouldnt even know where to begin either.

I am completely driven by my inhibitions and i want to break free of them. I feel my inhibitions are one of my biggest problems because they prevent me from expressing myself in every possible way. They just hold me back. I want to break free of my mind and to be able to do what my heart and body tell me to. it's gotten to the point where it affects me sexually. When i'm in a sexual situation I feel more anxiety and nervousness about that and I can't get hard. And that has contributed vastly to my anxiety because it's the main thing i think about now. i feel like i have a sexual dysfunction and it's always going to happen and i wont be able to enjoy that experience. it's like when i feel like i have to do something, i can't. It's like I feel pressured, not just on a sexual level but even on a social and mental level. I'm just tired of feeling nervous and scared. I'm tired of this anxiety and pressure. It's like I want to be emotionally detached sometimes. I want to be happy. I want to feel excitement and desire. I want to feel driven. I want to have self-condifence and high self-esteem. I don't deserve to feel this way. I really have no reason to feel the way i do. i have a loving family, great friends, i go to a good college and get good grades, and i receive a lot of love and affection from the people in my life.

I want to get help, I just don't know where to begin. And I don't know where or how to begin expressing myself if i did get help. I just feel hopeless. I feel skeptical that therapy would even help me, and i don't want my parents to know. No one knows how I feel, and I really don't want them to. I just hate feeling the way i do and I just need to feel some comfort and guidance.

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Old 07-24-2008, 12:53 PM   #2
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starissa HB User
Re: I want to be happy...

when i was 21 i got sick also. My anxiety manafested into physical symptoms out of the blue one day. I got to the point i didnt really leave the house but for a little but of work and doctor appts. What finally got me some help was my doctor getting me set up with a therapist. It took 3 to find the right one for me but what a difference that and some medicine made. I also found anxiety message boards to be of great help talking with people. I know you dont want to talk to people but trust me it helps. I was amazed and how i felt after talking with even just a friend over instant messengers. Also know you arnt alone, i always felt alone in this battle. Now i know im not and it makes a difference

Old 07-24-2008, 01:36 PM   #3
Join Date: May 2008
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calidreaming HB User
Re: I want to be happy...

i would start by going to your regular doctor. if you have been going there a lot, they may already notice you have anxiety. they can offer you some medications and refer you to a psychologist.

i was in the same position around when i was 19. i felt like i was in this constant haze. nothing was joyful. and i only felt relaxed in my bed watching movies. i couldnt shake that worried feeling. i felt i was going to die at ANY moment and was terrified.

the first thing is admitting you have an anxiety disorder. once you realize it yourself, then its easier to tell your family about it. you may have a history of it in your family, and not know about it. everyone on my dad's side has some anxiety related disorder. totally sucks...but its reality and you just have to suck it up and progress!

trust me, you are don't want this thing to get the best of your years. get some meds, clear your head...and once your at a comfortable level...START exercising! exercise helps. you will improve. you will enjoy things again. but right now you are in a hole, and you need to do something to get yourself out of it!

Old 07-24-2008, 02:39 PM   #4
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CarenR HB User
Re: I want to be happy...

It sounds like you have depression.. there are medications you can take that will cure the depression

Welcome to the board,

Old 07-24-2008, 03:21 PM   #5
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Re: I want to be happy...

Thanks for the responses. I know I need to do something, I just don't know where to begin. And I don't know how to even start talking about all my troubles and concerns to a therapist. I do know a lot of my distress is over a certain girl and there is so much to say about that. She has my heart twisted in knots.

I don't really want to be medicated and be a zombie. A person should feel happy and comfortable naturally and I don't want to rely on a medicine to make me feel that way. I take 10mg of ambien every night to help me sleep and some nights I have to take an extra. I just feel that I would become dependent on an anti-depressant and I don't want to deal with possible side effects especially if they will cause sexual effects, ya know? But at the same time, I feel I really do need to take something to take the edge off and make me feel at ease.

It's like sometimes I feel content for a very brief period, then the anxiety and nervousness resurfaces. I noticed that when I am home I feel it even more so. When I'm at my house at school I feel more relaxed and happier.

I wish I could feel the way I do after I had a few drinks in me. So affectionate and content. It's sad to say that...

Old 07-24-2008, 06:07 PM   #6
Join Date: Jul 2008
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02Batmobile HB User
Re: I want to be happy...

I hear ya. Anxiety and Depression are closely related and are often both present during times of Anxiety. This is the reason why some are prescribed Anti-Depression medicines for their anxiety.

I feel the same as you. It started out in my late teens at the end of high school and had the same symptoms you described. Trembling, short of breath, rapid heart beat, racing thoughts, trouble sleeping. Emotionally too. I wouldn't really talk too much. I wouldn't join in on conversations like you said and had very little interests in anything. You are not alone. We've all felt the same way.

As far as sex, I had one moment, after sex that I felt panicky. I noticed that my heart rate was high and beating harder and got a lil' freaked out. It's normal. This is why it's common for people with anxiety to avoid physical exercise for fear they would trigger a panic attack. I really had no sexual side effects from my Lexapro but at one point I did have problems with obtaining an erection. I think it was mostly the Depression that was settling in. If you are worried about sexual side-effects from the medications, DON'T BE! The gains certainly outweigh the risks. If the meds to affect you sexually, it's only temporary as the meds are adjusting to your body. Don't let it get in the way of your anxiety.

Hang in there,

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