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  • my nightmare! help :(

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    Old 12-16-2012, 03:40 AM   #1
    candice1992's Avatar
    Join Date: Dec 2012
    Location: nsw
    Posts: 1
    candice1992 HB User
    my nightmare! help :(

    hi everyone, my name is Candice and im 20 years old from australia, NSW. I guess your reading this because your doing the same thing i done & am still doing, looking for answers. What is anxiety, why does it happen, how do you get rid of it, the list goes on. I can start by telling you i dont have these answers, im just one person feeling like i am fighting to live and asking so many questions which seem to have so little answers as you are probably to. Let me tell you about my nightmare. It was only 4 weeks ago, i had my own house, working 6 days a week, my car, my boyfriend, my dogs, my family.. everything was good.. it wasnt perfect nothing is.. but let me tell you i was very full of life, strong headed, determind, bubbly, strong willed in my work and achievements, and all that changed in a blink of an eye.

    It started one night when i had a oanic attack out of no where, the next day i was so bad i went to my doctor and he put me on peroxetine which is an anti depressant/anxiety... this only made it worse.. i was so spaced out, blurry vision, confused, memory loss.. you name it i felt it. my doctor took me off them two days later then started me on xanax (kalma) which is only a temporary relief, the xanax worked for a few hours but only for someone who doesnt have to work .. which has now cost me my job as my job is property management which involved sitting in an office, and alot of thinking which is impossible for me at the moment. I then went back and got put on prestiq, my body did not like that at all.. the side effects were even worse..heart popitations, memory loss of everything, blurry vision, ears ringing, dizzy, vomiting, panic attacks, shaking, my blood felt ice cold, felt in a dream, lost 5kgs, couldnt eat, brain running a million miles an hour but worse of all <was the severe depression>.

    My doctor then took me off them 2 days later and im currently still just on xanax, i still cannot work, and i still cannot go a day without waking up, feeling nervous, shaking, panicing, like i have no control of my life anymore, like i have to tell myself all the time that its gunna be ok, but since when does someone thats ok have to do that, right?? i watch the clock because i just want the day to be over.. but i dont really because there is nothing worse then night time.. i cant remember the last decent sleep i had in the past 4 weeks, its the worst feeling in the world & after i finally do.. i wake up at all hours 2,3,4am.. and cant get back to sleep. Since my anxiety my brain just constantly thinks over & over & over again, its so exhausting.. its absouletly killing me.

    The worst part is my family, friends and partner not understanding.. i dont blame them i never understood anxiety until it happened to me either.. its hard thinking that there always judging you for it though. I am also very emotionless.. its like if im not panicking i have no feelings at all... even when i dont have xanax.. i feel stuck in a nightmare and just want to get out. I went to gosford hospital after i had bad side effects to the peroxetine, i was in the waiting room for 8 hours vomiting an panicking and the only thing they did was send me straight to mental health, did no tests no anything. Just straight away thought i was crazy and sent me to them, how do they think that makes us feel especially after what is already happening. It says on the leaflets to seek urgent medical attention for any of the following side effects, & u do.. & thats how they respond.. so dissapointed. but in saying that it also has made my anxiety worse as you feel the place that can help you when your sick is the hospital, but not in this case so who can??

    But back to whats happening now, my mum has had to move back in with me, im not working, i am still on the xanax when i need it, but i still am very zoned out, blurry, can't drive, ears ringing,confused memory loss,no appetite, heart popitations, very short tempered.. without taking it, can anyone relate? I guess im just reaching out for answers.. or just someone who understands my situation.. because i feel like im at my wits ends.. christmas and new years is less then 2 weeks away.. and i have not a care in the world for it. I fear for my friendships because i feel like im pushing my friends away because they just dont understand and i feel like i cant cope with hearing other peoples dramas & i fear for my relationship the most..

    i feel so useless and emotionless like he deserves to be with someone who isnt such a drag down & can actually go places and give him the love and attention he deserves which i feel like i just cant do 100% anymore .. i just want to feel normal again. every part of courage, strength, emotion, happiness, believe, hope, is gone. Who wants to live this way? who wants to wake up, nervous and panicking all day, just watching the time because your so un-eased, brain constantly going a million miles an hour over and over.. with stuff you would of never ever thought of before.. not being able to go places or see people without feeling like there judging you, or knowing something is wrong. Not being able to close your eyes for 5 seconds because they just twitch, they wont rest. not being able to eat because you have no appetite anymore. Then getting worse anxiety as it gets later because you know its coming up to night time, when you cant sleep, u can't relax.. every muscle.. every brain cell keeps going and going and going.. and it only gets worse when you try and fight it.

    I feel like anxiety isnt expressed enough through-out life to even know what your in for when it does happen, i sure wasn't expecting it nor know what to do. I still dont.. I still am asking myself everyday all day, why??????? how???????? i just want to reach out and talk to people going through the same thing- so if your reading this.. please know your not alone.. and i would love to hear your story and whats happening, i will listen and i will understand. Im no doctor.. but i will understand.

    Last edited by Administrator; 12-16-2012 at 02:28 PM.

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    Old 12-22-2012, 02:40 PM   #2
    katherine18's Avatar
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    katherine18 HB User
    Re: my nightmare! help :(

    Hi Candice, IFirst of all i want to tell you that your not alone, at all so many people suffer from anxiety which i have discovered from searching the internet. i just posted 'anxiety please read and reply' that basically tells my story so read it if you like. But in brief had a very bad relationship for over 2 years, broke up with him at the end of May there and over summer went absolutley crazy, drink drugs, sleeping with so many people..:/ i completely ruined myself.. anyway at the beginning of september one day i felt so strange and thoguht i was losing my mind literally had to go to hospital, they took loads of blood tests heart traces etc and everything was normal which they said was good but for me it was probably the worst news - cuz then it was all in my head which made me feel worse again.

    in the hospital i had a really sever panick attack and had to be given diazepam to calm me down (i was basically shouting all over the ER to give me tablets to calm down mustve looked like a mad person but it was all new to me and so so so scary. Anyway.. took a few weeks off work, stayed in bed alot, and from that day ive never been the same my whole life has changed. That was about 3/4 months ago now and although im not 100 percent i do feel like things have improved. The beginning was the worst, and that sounds like where you are at now, as a result of all this i had to put uni off for a year and now im doing nothing really, part time job.. trying to figure out what to do with my life.. so thats me..

    im so sorry for the way you were treated when you went to hospital, that is the worst way i could imagine to be treated especially when you feel anxious. Whats happening to you is really awful but your not alone and i promise things will get better! I know this is totally your decision but i maybe wouldnt recommend taking the medication route, i know it probably seems like the only option or thing that will help you but by the sounds of it like you said they have awful side effects. At the beginning i begged my doctor to put me on medication but she didnt and i am so so thankful for it, i have learnt (although still going through it) how to try and manage my anxiety, if i feel it coming on i go somewhere on my own, my room, a bathroom, outside, and i calm down, breathe deeply in and out. I cant drink anymore because the next day it feels like im constantly going to have a panick attack which is the worst feeling ever i have completely cut caffeine from my diet maybe not necessary but i read it can trigger anxiety so im trying anything tbh. i get enough sleep every night and try to surround myself with positive people.

    I try to do things with my day, just getting out of the house helps, and im looking at starting yoga. The doctors were pretty useless to be honest, they told me 'youll feel ok in a few weeks'... it feels like no one actually understands this at all unless it has happened to them. The doctor just sees you as a patient, i see you as someone on the same boat as me who needs someone to talk to just and to know ur not alone. thats why i want to reply to you to let u know ur not alone, so many people feel the way we do. The beginning really was the worst, i constantly felt like my skin was crawling, felt so scared for no reason at all, feel like im literally losing my mind im gona go insane, i would get really warm all of a sudden, feel so detached from reality and feel like im imagining everything like its all in my head or something, so hard to describe.. but in time it improved, the past 2 weeks i have felt so much better out of the blue, im trying to enjoy feeling 'normal' incase it happens again, the reason im on this is because today i started to feel a bit anxious again so i quickly went on the internet to get some self help tips. i honestly dont think i couldve got through it without the internet and without breathing techniques. Also my friends.

    As for the situation with your boyfriend, if he loves you he will help you through this tough time in your lif. you need to focus on yourself and getting back to normal, and i hope he helps you do this as well as family and friends, if nothing else i know you dont know me but just to know im going through the same thing you are in some ways can help put your mind at ease. Try and fully explain how you feel to him, tell him you want to be yourself again and your trying, show him this message even if it will help him to understand that anxiety is common. i dont know why it isnt talked about more, and if it ever is its nowhere to the extent it needs to be, its the worst feeling ever and at the time feels awful. you wont feel like this forever, thats what my big brother said to me and it comforted me. Its just a rough time in ur life u will get through it but.

    Advice i can give to you is to help you sleep type <listen to some> relaxing music. Breathe, alot, and do muscle tenses, which im sure you've probably read already if your like me searching the internet- from your head to toes, tense each muscle one by one and release starting with your eyes, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms etc etc. it actually does help it makes me feel in reality again when i begin to feel detached. I know what you mean about looking at the clock, i would always just wish the day was over so thats another day done but then the next day comes and its the same, but over time it gets better. I hope in a few weeks, months, a year, however long it takes for your life to begin to get better or go back to normal, i hope you feel alot happier. No one should feel the way you do, but its ut of your control, its awful you just need to try and be strong.

    This reply might mean nothing or seem like a load of crap etc but if u take anything from it at least know ur not the only one going through this. Feel free to reply, i hope you get to read this message seeing as its been so long since you posted urs lol xxx

    Last edited by Administrator; 12-22-2012 at 03:02 PM.

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