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LilyAll
01-10-2016, 01:10 AM
I had been aware of the difficulties my son was having, and I always tried to support him, as I knew he was trying his very best. Recently, he had lost all motivation to eat or drink anything and would not come out of his room for a few days. I had hoped that he would come to me when he was willing, but I realize now that I should have went to him.

He had left a note by his body and I just wanted to take time to share it with you all. I found it be heartbreaking and I think others may see it as eye opening.

The letter is as follows:

To my Family,

I have given everything I had left inside of me to keep going, but that voice that once encouraged me to keep trying has died out; the son and brother that you once knew had died a long time ago; he had been nothing but an empty shell forcing out what used to be his real personality. In the past, I would become frustrated and vent to myself, but in the end, I didn't even have the strength to get angry anymore. Being in the house when people were over and hearing the laughter from my room, made me feel like I was truly alone in a crowd, as I would feel like my chest was tightening and that I was slowly choking to death. I would drive around for hours on end in an effort to think and gain some semblance of peace, but in the end, it only served to remind me of how artificial the world seemed and that nothing felt real. I had no impact on the world around me, never able to form a real bond or connection with anyone; I was just sitting on the outside watching others live their lives. As I watch others my age and younger get married, have children, and share laughs with friends; I am left with the realization that my life has no bearing on anything.

I have tried my best to talk and empathize with others, only to be met with rejection or heartbreak every time; I tried my best to care and be there for others when they needed someone, but they never wanted me to be there for them, it always meant so much more coming from someone else. I was never shy in the past, but yet every friend I've ever had has taken me for granted only to then cut me out of their life altogether; there came a point when I had to admit that I was the problem. In an age of constant texting and people being unable to go 5 minutes without being bombarded with messages, how is it possible that I have not one friend in the world despite trying so hard? People are able to form connections so easily; for me not to have anyone, means that there is something seriously wrong with me. They say that friends are able to show people things that they cannot see on their own, I guess I will never know what these things are. While others around my age worry about getting their child ready for school in the morning, I am required to start from scratch just to get back to a place where I was a failure to begin with. I have forgotten how to talk to people; I can't even make a transaction at a gas station without getting anxiety and chest pains. I was so awkward the last time that the cashier thought I was drunk. I was never like this before, and if I couldn't connect with anyone at my best then what hope do I have now?

Hearing expecting mothers tell their boyfriend/husband how they can't wait to share this moment with them; hearing women thank their partner for being a part of their life; and seeing women go to the end of the earth to maintain their relationships with their partners; it makes me realize that I will never be able to inspire those feelings in someone, women are uncomfortable just being in a room alone with me. No friends, no confidence, disgusting to look at, unfunny, boring personality, no stories to tell due to no social life; there is nothing about me that any woman is ever going to find desirable. There is a part of me that always wanted a child while I was still young enough to do things with them, but no woman will ever wish to share in something like that with someone like me.

When women, older women especially, look at other guys they see men; in my case, they see a "boy" or just some sweet guy whose actions or words aren't to be taken seriously. Having no friends means that I have no social status in the eyes of women, and am therefore not seen or treated as a real man; no woman will ever see me as a capable provider or as someone who they will wish to spend the rest of their life with. When I had gathered the courage to ask women out in the past, they had always been offended or simply thought it to be cute as if a child had asked them; my confidence has been shattered for a long time. The last female friend I had, or the last friend for that matter, was approached by a guy as I was walking with her; he asked her out right there in front of me, and I watched as she simply melted at the sight of the guy before agreeing to go out with him, and later talking to me endlessly about how excited she was about it; this made me feel like I was not a real man. When he had slept with her on that night, and then left her for someone else, I felt it right to be there for her; this all ended in heartbreak when I confessed my feelings for her and she pushed them aside. I was the only one I knew that she ever said no to, and I had felt more of a connection to her than anyone before. I really loved her and could only imagine how amazing it would have felt if she felt the same way about me, because I know how strong my feelings were for her. All I've ever wanted is to mean something to someone.

It is so hard to make friends at my age, let alone for someone like me; other guys want nothing to do with a man with no friends and are usually only interested in spending time with other couples. Women are disturbed by the notion of a man with no friends, besides, why would they want to spend their lives and try to find happiness with a person that has been rejected by the rest of society; he is obviously friendless for a reason. People are always meeting significant others through their circle of friends; with no friends, I don't even have that option. I see many others not taking relationships seriously, because they know they will find someone else shortly; while I am still here looking for that "one". Last week at work, to my amazement, a woman had actually been interested in me; this was the first time I can ever remember this being the case. She was then told by her friends about me being a loner and that she should avoid me; she was extremely cold to me after this, and I never felt like less of a man in my life. One of the things mentioned to her was that if we had even gotten married, who would be the best man?

I have tried my very best to climb out of this hole, but over time, I just continue falling deeper while the load on my back grows heavier. If I couldn't find anyone in my 20's, then what chance do I have this late in life when my confidence is completely shattered? I've been searching for that voice to call me from the darkness and back into the light, but it's just not there anymore. You should be proud of having another son that could give you such a beautiful grandchild, I just wish that I could have given you something to be proud of. I am so sorry for this, and I beg you to please not blame yourselves; I am the one who failed. Just know that I love you all deeply and that I won't be hurting any longer. Goodbye.

Love you forever,
........



I have been crying non-stop since it happened. I just wish I could tell him now how proud of him I was, and how beautiful of a man he really was. I am ashamed of myself and wish that I had done more for him, my husband is feeling the same about himself.

Nancy66401
01-10-2016, 07:06 AM
You must be hurting more than anyone could imagine, and sounds like you and your husband think you may have been able to do something. The letter sounds like your son was very unhappy in that people his age are into their phones/texting instead of getting to know each other, and because he felt he didn't fit in. There may have been little you could do about that. Young people seem to be so much more influenced by their peers or by what they THINK their peers are thinking.

ngst2016
01-11-2016, 04:41 PM
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your post reached me because my husband took his life and I have a child that I feel could have written your son's letter. I also do not know how to handle this situation in fear of him doing what his father did. Because of your kindness in reaching out I will be seeking counseling for my child. My heart breaks for you especially since I believe that losing a child would be the ultimate grief for me to bear.

LilyAll
01-12-2016, 03:58 PM
Thank you both so much for your kind words, and ngst2016, my heart goes out to you about your husband, and I pray that you won't have to go through it again with your son. In the case of my son, he was always very intelligent and graduated college with top marks but he never gave himself credit for things like this, which broke my heart. He had told my husband in my past that it was a waste of time and he would trade all of his education for just one friend. He always felt like we had treated him like a child, but we never meant it that way, and after reading about him not feeling like a real man, it makes more sense to me but doesn't make it any easier. I still need more time, but your condolences truly mean the world to me.

papergirl
01-12-2016, 04:26 PM
So very sorry for your loss. May the peace of the Lord be with you and your family in this very difficult time.

sweetpotato13
01-12-2016, 05:26 PM
I am so terribly sorry for your great loss. What a great kindness you've done by sharing your son's note.
We love our kids so much, and of course you and your husband blame yourselves, wish there was something you could have said, or done. The sad truth is that there's nothing you could have done. Please don't let those thoughts haunt you and distract you from mourning your boy. My condolences.