View Full Version : Boyfriend's mom died ... Treating me different

02-14-2016, 01:37 PM
So my boyfriend and I have been together 9 months, and I'm 4 months pregnant. His mom died in December due to suicide, and he moved with his dad to another state last month which was supposed to of been only a few months, but now he wants to stay and he just got a job there. He wanted me to leave my family here and move out there but I felt that isn't right. His mom was literally his best friend. His parents divorced when young and his dad moved away only seeing him and his sister once or twice a year. His mom literally was his lifeline. But ever since he went to be with his dad, he's been treating me horribly.. We got into a fight one night and he blocked me.. Two days later I found out he was going to cheat on me.. He said he made a huge mistake and he wanted to fix this. So I said fine, but instead of fixing it he refused to add me back on his social media, he adds like 10 girls a day. Tells me he loves me to death and wants this family, but he just keeps pushing me away and making me feel unwanted. I almost miscarried because of the stress he's been putting on me.

Today I broke up with Him. I don't know what the hell is going through his head or what to do. I was asked on a date today for valentines day, and unlike him, I don't lie or hide stuff so I told him, than he made me feel like I'm scum and that I'm horrible and disgusting because I was going on a date when he almost CHEATED on me. He called me names. He cried to me in the phone they other day that he misses his mom so much and that me and this baby is the only reason he's alive. Yet he's so quick to let our relationship go. I put up with his attitude, and anger and him ignoring me and I forgave him about that girl. He was so happy for this baby, but than his mom died and he said a part of him died when she died and he doesn't know if he'll ever be the same. He says he doesn't feel anything anymore.

He asks for space but I feel like him being in another state is space enough.. I don't know.. He also takes a lot of medications because he has mental problems, like depression, anxiety, ADHD, he has turrets and he's very impulsive and irrational.

Right now we're not talking because we both said some very hurtful things to each other. He keeps telling me he's confused and doesn't know what to think about life, but he said me and his mom meant everything to him. He said without the baby and me that he'd kill himself, so why keep pushing me away? Why just mess this up more? The last thing his mom told him before she died was, "take care of your girlfriend and the baby" but instead he's messing our family up. I don't know if I should keep talking to him and giving in because he's grieving. Or if I should just cut contact and give him space and let him come to me if he wants.. Any opinions?..

02-14-2016, 02:08 PM
Apparently you have not yet experienced the loss of a parent. You will never truly understand how fundamentally it changes your entire life and everything in it until it happens to you. It is literally not like anything else you will ever experience in your life, and not in a good way. The fact that his mom died from suicide makes it even worse. I can't even imagine how much pain your boyfriend is in losing his mom that way. He has told you repeatedly that she was his best friend and how close they were. All the sudden now she is gone. Nothing in his behavior is at all unusual after experiencing such a fundamentally changing loss in his life. The fact that he also suffers from mental problems has made this even more difficult for him to navigate through the feelings and thoughts about what happened and where to go from here.

You need to stop pushing him and instead let him time to mourn. It's not something he is going to just "get over" in a couple of weeks. My dad died in 2012 and although some of the daily adjustment has gone back to some kind of routine, I still have moments of extreme sadness and I can't stop myself from crying because I really miss him more than anything and there is a permanent hole in my heart that will never stop hurting. There have been many moments where I really needed to call him to tell him something or ask him his advice but I can't do that anymore.

This isn't about you. He is treating you this way because he is lost, confused, hurting, and depressed among other things. Instead of getting angry with him and expecting him to just "get over" his mom's suicide, you need to be far more understanding and supportive of his feelings. This loss will take time for him to get over. What he needs right now is a loving, supportive, and caring girlfriend to help him with the transition to life without his mom in it.

If you were planning on getting married at some point, since you're having his baby, then you need to learn how to support him through these kinds of times. Because marriages will include these kinds of hardships that will require you to step up and be more supportive. Or vice versa if you go through a loss. If you can't manage to handle this kind of challenge in your relationship then I don't think it has much of a future.

02-14-2016, 02:58 PM
This is confusing. He is depressed over his mother's death and at the same time he tries to cheat on you. Did I get it right?

While I agree that a parent's sudden death can be devastating, I sense he is perhaps taking it too far (like saying not to know what to think about life) or - don't get me wrong - faking something.

Ideally a woman/wife should be where his husband works, for still in many cases he is the breadwinner. But it doesn't look like a wise idea for you to go where he is: he is irrational (as you put it) and unpredictable, and possibly not only due to his mother's death.

What are you guys fighting about? Can you elaborate on this?

Ok, give him the space he is in need of, but also be prepared for the worst. Is he really ready to be the father of your baby?

What do your parents say?

02-14-2016, 07:23 PM
Yes, he tried to cheat on me two weeks ago, 2 days after we broke up. He was saying all of this crazy stuff to her. He said his mind isn't right and that's why he did that, because he wasn't thinking. I forgave him because I loved him. Well he wanted to fix this, but still didn't want to re add me on his social media and he adds like 5 different girls a day. He says I mean everything to him yet he doesn't make me feel it. He's mentally and verbally abusing me for no reason.

I've been putting up with this, being understanding, but there's only so much you can take while pregnant. He wants this baby, but I know the he's scared because we're young, he's 21, and he's scared, but this does not mean to treat me like this. I gave him a place to live, gave up so much and put up with alot of his drama. So nobody can say I haven't been here for him. His mom loved me although I only met her 3 times. I held him at her funeral, but after about a week everything was getting a bit better. He was happier, smiling, his sex drive was back, and we were fine. Than he moves, and he treats me differently. Not fair. I know he misses his mother, and I don't know how it feels yet to lose a parent, but I saw my brother get shot and almost die, I held my brother while he was bleeding out. I know what pain is.

He texted me earlier after our fight that he doesn't want to lose me. I haven't even messeged him back. He asks for space and I give it, but we're in different states, how much more space can he need?

02-14-2016, 08:25 PM
Well, as you can probably tell, the death of a parent is a trigger for me. And there is nothing that could've prepared me for what me and my family went through afterwards and in some ways what we're still going through. So perhaps it's too close to home for me to be able to answer you without getting too emotional.

I'm sorry I can't help but I can only say that once you lose a parent you'll understand.

02-14-2016, 11:49 PM
He asks for space and I give it, but we're in different states, how much more space can he need?[/QUOTE]

Yes, of course, by asking for space, he doesn't make much sense, unless he means 'leave me alone'.

I'm sorry I can't see a good prognosis in this, but I could be wrong.

Take care of your pregnancy: this is the most important thing at this moment.