View Full Version : how to help boyfriend, without helping

04-30-2016, 02:17 PM
Where to begin. Boyfriend of two years been struggling with addiction, depression since before we began, hash daily, and coke recently, and he ended with me a month ago. I basically became an obstacle, though always understanding, compassionate and letting him get well his way, more recently, as he got worse instead, I have become more vocal at standing my ground and holding a mirror up to denial and blame, i.e. not taking the " you're the reason i haven't quit/have escalated". He doesn't deny addiction, but denies needing help to quit, and his own inconsistent behaviour.

Just before he finished with me, I had confessed to his family, though it's unrelated to him ending with me. He has always had tricky relationship with his mother and father, so the confession was extremely hard for me to do, but did so as I was very concerned, he had admitted being in a darker place than ever, the coke escalating, suicidal thoughts, and I simply felt he needed more support than just me, united love or something. It went horribly wrong. His parents are all he said-mum is a control freak, dad a narcissist- and once armed with the info of my 'betrayal', they confronted him without me (i had always said I wanted to face him myself so he could hear from me the why and that it was done out of love) made me a enemy, told me to keep away, and went to war on him, trying to force him into rehab. Needless to say, he didn't go, and instead raged more verbal abuse at me.

And here's the thing. I still want to 'help' him. I recognise it was unhelpful to enlist his family, and after feeling lots of guilt over it, I have acknowledged this to him. I am in family anonymous programme for my own strengthening and repair of what loving inside addiction has done to me, to not accept guilt and know i acted in best intentions. While I don't want to walk away as I know from him himself that he never wanted to split us up, felt backed against a wall, I equally have read up lots and know only they can decide if and when to get help. I'm not an enabler but how do I still show i am a supporter and not abandon him to the parents I allowed inside? Needless to say, he feels I am not to be trusted at all and cannot believe I involved them for his sake but rather chooses to demonise me.

05-30-2016, 12:16 PM

I think you did the right thing, since he was blocked and not willing to get better. His family was an alternative option, since you felt that he didn't have enough reasons with you alone to choose to right his own ship. It's just unfortunate that it didn't help. Because you two are no longer dating, I think you need to let your guilt go, it's not your fault even though you cared deeply for him. And you need to let him go. He's not a valid dating option while he's in this state, and you're "lucky
you don't have other variables (kids, house/shared property, etc).

That said, I'm so sorry. :( Sending you long-distance hugs and love. I know this is a late reply, but no one else replied and I figured it's just a month away from your post -- which understandably, is an eternity when it regards these situations. I just signed up here. Hope you're doing well.