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Lex280
07-11-2016, 02:41 AM
Hello everyone,

I will try to keep this a bit brief so I don't get too boring. For over a month now, I have had a serious compulsive habit that causes me to worry about getting HIV. After a couple of weeks I began worrying about Hepatitis too. Every thought I have goes back to over 10 years ago, when I was in junior high school. It was triggered after looking at some old friends online , and I got an image of the hallway we would walk through to get to some of our classes in Junior High School. Quickly, those thoughts became conflated with the thought of someone sticking me with a needle and giving me HIV. I still am not sure why I associate these thoughts. After a few days of convincing myself that it was irrational and not even possible, my worrying moved on to being at the hospital and getting my blood drawn and vaccinated. I began thinking that maybe some of the nurses reused a needle on me and I may have contracted a virus there. After a couple weeks, my worrying moved on to being back in high school and someone in class injecting me with a needle. I keep thinking maybe I was passive and did nothing about it. I keep putting different people in the scenario. This thought plagues me more than any other. I have no memories of it happening before, but it was all so long ago, I just cant help but think that maybe I forgot. No matter how much I run through the scenarios and keep realizing how crazy it all sounds, I cant stop worrying about it. I cant get through five minutes without worrying, and I cant even tell what is real or just made up in my mind. I have never had sex (pathetic, I know) or used any kind of drugs, so I know that knocks out any of the most prominent methods of transmission.

I posted here because I feel ashamed of how crazy people, who know me, will think I am. I also have no medical insurance so I cant even get psychological help. I just need some people to talk to about this.

BadMalibu
07-11-2016, 07:51 AM
Hey Lex-

Welcome to the boards. Trust me when I say that what you're experiencing can be typical for people who have OCD, and as silly as this may sound, simply reminding yourself that you have OCD can actually decrease the symptoms that are common for those of us with OCD. First things first; you should find a way to see your primary care physician (I'm not sure of your exact medical/financial situation), and if you need help paying you may be able to ask a family member or your parents for help. If you don't want to share with them why you need to go, just tell them that it's personal and you'll share it with them when you feel comfortable. I say this because it can be embarrassing for those of us with OCD to share it with family members or friends until we feel comfortable doing so.

And no you're not crazy and your thoughts are not crazy, your brain is simply overactive and you need to focus your energy and attention on other things instead of something that may be mindless. It's a common thing for those of us with OCD to feel like we're going "crazy" but in reality you're not. Many people use medications and therapy to help them with their OCD (myself included) and we all know how difficult it can be when your mind takes the ball and just runs with it which is why you need to break the thought cycle and recognize it as OCD. One thing that helps me a lot is pretty simple. When I start to have OCD thoughts I say this to myself: "Ok, you had a thought, that was your OCD and not you."

Don't be ashamed of yourself because there are millions of people just like you in the world and we're all here to support each other. First things first, see about getting in to see your PCP or finding a way you can start some therapy with a cognitive behavioral specialist.

Lex280
07-11-2016, 07:02 PM
Hi BadMalibu,

Thanks for your response, it feels a little better actually having someone listen and offer feedback. I am going to talk to my parents, since they are in the medical field. I know this may further feed my compulsions, but do you feel any of these situations are rational? The last compulsive thought bothers me the most. I stop everything I am doing just to dwell on whether or not someone would do something so sinister to me.

BadMalibu
07-12-2016, 01:27 PM
Hey Lex-

You know you asked a very interesting question that actually does have an answer; “do you feel any of these situations are rational?” My answer to you is a resounding no and for good reason. When it comes to anxiety, OCD, etc. there is not a damn thing rational about any of it. Our rational minds tell us that were being irrational, that we shouldn’t perseverate on these things, that they’re silly, they make no sense, etc. but OCD and anxiety are not rational nor do they act rational. They never have been and never will be. I find from my own experiences that one of the worst things you can do is try to rationalize with your ocd because the ocd will always (and I mean always) find a way out of any conflict or situation that you may try to be working through. I bet you’re the same way, I bet every time you come up with some sort of relief or some sort of solution your ocd finds a way around it. Ocd is the ultimate doubting disease because as humans we doubt ourselves and our abilities. You cannot rationalize with ocd because ocd doesn’t act on a rational level.

As I previously said, work on getting yourself in to see a cognitive behavioral specialist, not a psychiatrist, but a psychologist who specializes in ocd and anxiety disorders. There are plenty of resources on the internet you can turn to that can help you find a therapist in your area. You also may want to talk to your doctor about a light dose of an SSRI which will take the edge off a bit. Usually Zoloft works pretty well.

Lex280
07-15-2016, 09:15 PM
Hi BadMalibu,

You are so right about my mind trying to find a way out, but never being allowed relief. I realize that these situations don't make sense, and that if they happened, I would remember it. I keep thinking, "who the hell brings a needle to school and decides to inject someone with it" or "hospitals use new needles, there is no way they would reuse one on me". But a couple of minutes later it re-enters my mind. One thing that I neglected to mention is that I really feel that it's because I am afraid of being alone all my life and that I can never get married and/or have kids. I have spent all my adult life so far without any partner. I keep thinking that no one will want me if I am HIV or HEP positive.

Anyhow, I will being seeing a family friend who does counseling.

Thanks

digdoug1
07-19-2016, 01:01 PM
Have you considered going and getting STD/HIV tested? A negative result would/should put 100% of your fears to rest...especially since you're worrying about something from YEARS ago.

Lex280
07-21-2016, 08:27 PM
Hi digdoug1,

I have thought about it and I even drove all the way to a clinic in my area. I sat in my car for a couple minutes and left. I couldn't believe I drove all the way there, because I have always been paranoid and cynical, but never to this extent. I feel like an idiot getting tested for something that other people are actually at risk for. I admit I am also scared it will come back positive.

digdoug1
07-26-2016, 08:52 AM
There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting STD/HIV tested. If you're sexually active at all, it's definitely something worth getting.

And, in your case, it would provide the ultimate end to the problem. You can fool the tests. You'd be found negative and you could put all the worry away.

BadMalibu
07-26-2016, 11:59 AM
Lex-

I agree with DigDoug. If you really want to know for sure you should go and have the test done. As DigDoug said, it's just a good thing to have done if you're sexually active.