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View Full Version : Do I have ROCD????


Kmr123
11-06-2016, 06:07 AM
hi guys!! This is my first time posting on here and I'm really reluctant too just because I feel like I'm giving in to my thoughts and letting them affect me:( I'll give a bit of background first to my current situation, I'm 19 and I've just started university(I have a past with depression and am I generally anxious person) a lot of changes have been going on in my life recently to do with loosing basically all my friends, even ones who I thought would be with me forever, which has made me extremely upset/depressed, uni is overwhelming me already and to top it off my once really attentive parents have begun to foster children so my house is no longer a safe haven for me as it's loud, busy and my parents have little time to interact with me on a one to one level.

BUT I've always taken extreme comfort in my boyfriend of a year and a half. My best friend. We get along like a house on fire and I genuinely cannot imagine going about my daily life without him being in it with me. We make eachother better versions of ourselves and I value him so much. However recently I've been extremely stressed, moody anxious about all the changes going on in my life. then one day I was at work and I just started dwelling on the thought "what if our relationship doesn't make it till Christmas" and then I kept building in these thoughts, I was so confused, like actually crying whilst serving people. Ever since then I've been so anxious about us. Wondering when we will end? Then thinking if I really love him why am I worried about this??? So on and so on. Then I get really paranoid when he doesn't give me all his attention, something that I never do. When I'm with him I'm constantly clinging to him then when he doesn't recipricate my actions I get so paranoid. Maybe I'm too much?? Maybe he doesn't love me either. He's getting bored of me being such an emotional rollercoaster. However when I sit and think logically I know all of it isn't true, I've told him about my worries and he's been nothing but supportive of me. But this cycle keeps happening, it's making me physically sick, I'm so tired of these feelings, and then when I get to the end of my patience with it and ask "do I really want to be with him?" I get totally overwhelmed and panicky cause the thought of leaving him genuinely makes me miserable. But it's getting so overwhelming that I'm almost scared I'm going to end it against my own will just because of anxiety. I have booked an appointment with my student councillor and GP but I'm afraid they are going to tell me "maybe you just don't love him anymore" which I know in my calm state isn't true. Does anyone who's experienced anything like this have any advice for me???? I've looked at relationship OCD and things does it seem likely that this is what I have???? Or fear or loss idk i just really need advice

Anthemic
12-20-2016, 05:53 PM
I think this is definitely ROCD. I suffered from this years ago. I convinced myself that I didn't love my girlfriend. I obsessed over it. But I knew, deep down, I loved her. It made me sick to think about leaving her. If you really wanted to leave your boyfriend, then you wouldn't be so upset right now. You may even feel like your feelings have dulled for him, but this can be anxiety/depression. Sometimes anxiety and depression can be so intense, that you can only focus on how it makes you feel.

Kmr123
12-21-2016, 12:33 AM
Hi thanks for the reply, been so long since I made this post I almost forgot I was a user here. Since I made it things have been pretty much the same although now my therapist has diagnosed me with GAD and depression. I'm trying to look for therapists that specialise in treating OCD. Just wondering how you went about treating ur symptoms?

Anthemic
12-21-2016, 06:47 AM
Yeah, I saw that you made this post over a month ago. So I figured that maybe you're still dealing with this. I wish I had someone to talk to when I was going through this.

What made the ROCD happen is when I was taking Celexa. I came off of it so I'd be able to have an orgasm (SSRIs can dull sexual sensation and make it nearly impossible to climax). About 3 weeks of being off my medicine, my anxiety came back full force. I got back on the Celexa, but it wasn't working anymore; I never should have stopped taking it. I knew Celexa was only somewhat good in treating my anxiety and OCD, and that Lexapro was actually the best at treating it. So I got back on Lexapro. Within 3 days, my anxiety almost completely went away again, and I no longer questioned my love.

The depression could definitely be causing you to feel this way. Depression is very well known for making people feel as if they have no love. It's hard to feel good feelings when the bad feelings are so strong. I was so depressed, that I actually had to imagine a loved one dying just so I could feel sadness in order to convince myself that I loved them.

Is your therapist treating you for the anxiety and depression? Sometimes, talking about your problems isn't good enough to make them go away. For me, I actually needed medicine.

Kmr123
12-21-2016, 08:34 AM
My therapist thinks that I need to go onto antidepressants and my GP(doctor) has mentioned it to me, so I've made an appointment for next week to hopefully discuss this and get onto some form of medication. I feel so numb it's horrible and because I'm not crying as often and feel so withdrawn it kinda like confirms my rocd thoughts (you don't love him, you aren't meant to be) but deep deep down I know it's just my depression.

Anthemic
12-21-2016, 11:07 AM
Yep, it definitely sounds like it. You can cry during the beginning stages of depression, but then as time goes on, you can't cry anymore because of emotional exhaustion. It makes you feel numb inside. The only side effects I don't like about Lexapro is they make me hungry and make it hard for me to feel sexual sensation. My libido is still present, but it's so hard to have an orgasm (TMI) lol. That's not true for everyone, though. Honestly, those side effects are so worth it because I hated feeling so depressed.

Kmr123
12-22-2016, 01:50 AM
Are you in therapy though? For ur OCD? I feel like I need to get on some form of medication so that I can begin to have the energy to make the changes and do the work to beat rocd.
Also personal question (don't answer if u don't want to) - has ur relationship been affected by this in the long run??? My biggest fear is that I begin to get better but my doubts end up not becoming scary and I just think they are truth or something like that

Anthemic
12-22-2016, 08:37 AM
I was at first. I still am seeing a Psychiatrist, but only for refills. He refills my Lexapro and Adderall.

Also, yes, it affected my relationship. I was in a relationship with a woman who was already having religious guilt by being with me. So, when I told her that I was questioning my love for her, she got extremely depressed and started getting close to a man. She is now married to him, but she's not attracted to him. I don't see their relationship lasting. She married him because of guilt. My ROCD wasn't the main reason we broke up. But it did play a part. Most of it was her sister not being accepting and her fear of disappointing God for being in an LGBT relationship. By the time my ROCD faded, the damage was already done, and it broke my heart into pieces.

This does NOT mean that it will affect your relationship like that. So many other factors played a part in my failed relationship. If your boyfriend is patient and only has eyes for you, then your relationship will most likely last. Once you find a medicine that works for you, there's a high chance that your ROCD will fade out, and things will go back to normal.

A warning though: Anti-depressants can dull libido and sexual sensation. Don't let your lack of libido keep you from having sex. Because if you're having sex regularly now, and then you stop, it could affect your relationship. This isn't true for everyone, but men tend to stray when there isn't enough sex in a relationship. Anti-depressants don't control you, but they can make your desire for sex dull. Just make sure you continue to meet your boyfriend's physical needs. This isn't an ultimatum or anything. But men love sex, and when they aren't getting it, they can feel unloved and unappreciated.
If your libido does dull, then ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. It's been known to increase libido while on other anti-depressants.