View Full Version : HELP! Partners Mother passed away due to cancer & taking anger out on me :(

11-11-2016, 10:25 PM
My partner of two years mother passed away 2 weeks ago after a year battle with cancer. Although I hadn't known his mother that long she always had my utter most respect and I always looked up to her, she was kind hearted, easy to talk to, wise and just had the most easy going personality nothing was ever taboo with her. She constantly gave me good advice about things and always tried to help me through any problems I was facing. It may have been a short time that I got to know her, but she has forever left an impression on me on someone I inspire to be like.

My partner and his mother were very close, and at the moment is is utterly heartbroken. Although, if you didn't know him you would probably assume he was going through nothing as around people he is able to put forward a happy go pick facacde that people know and love him for. But at home, when it's just us he barely interacts with me (which I understand some alone time is important to process) I can tell he is going through a very big storm on the inside and it kills me to see him so heartbroken, I know there is nothing I can really do but try to make the day to day easier and remind him that I am there.

This morning though was something else. I have never experienced such rage towards myself or by him. It started with him bringing up why we hadn't been physically intimate and how he believes that it is always I that has the power as to whether or not we engage in intercourse. I said that with the passing of his mother and trying to process everything and my grief i wasn't particularly in the mood lately. He then turned to me and said "why do you need to grieve?" I defended myself by telling him that I knew her too, not to the same extent but we were living with her for a time which allowed me to establish a relationship with her for a time. He then said "you barely knew her as you were to shy, why do you have to grieve" this hurt me really bad as I moved towns ( two hours away from my own family to spend time/ get to know his family and help in anyway I could)

I silently cried and walked out of the room and slammed the door because I was so hurt and angry with his comment. I locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower and cool off. I then herd him get up slam doors around the house and disappear outside for a smoke. He returned and yelled at me to let him into the bathroom, I told him he'd just have to wait and yelled that he needed his toothbrush. So, I got the toothbrush and tooth paste and threw it out the bathroom window into our sunroom ( wasn't my best move) he then pulled the window down, threw my glass makeup bottles on the bathroom floor and yelled that that was uncalled for ( I'd have to agree) then went outside again. Came back a few moments later asking again to get into the bathroom, I again said he would just have to wait. He then slammed against the door breaking the lock to get in said it was his house to and if he wants to use the bathroom he is going to use the bathroom.

I got out of the bathroom, got dressed and then proceeded to leave. He yelled after me askingnis I was leaving, I said I was leaving the house to cool off. We yelled a bit more and I said, regrettably "if this is how we are going to treat each other I don't know if I want to be in this relationship" he said fine, and left and I haven't herd a word from him all day?

I am not proud of my actions. I have never gotten to a point where I have felt the need to yell at him, slam doors or throw things. I am ashamed of the way I acted. I love him but it's so hard to be there. I have been his emotional punching bag for the last two weeks and I have been able to put up with it until now casting it of as grief. I just don't know what to do anymore....

11-12-2016, 08:30 AM
How old are you ? I ask cause you both sound young. You just need to give it time. It is his mom and until you've been thru it, you can't understand how disorienting it is to loose your mom. Be patient. It is early.

On the other hand you should never have to put up with abuse and that is what is happening. Try not to engage in the who has the right to grieve conversations. But do tell him firmly that you do not deserve to be talked to like that. Give him time but know that loosing a parent can change you

11-12-2016, 09:22 AM
I totally agree with Bev. Losing a parent is indescribable, and sometimes men just don't know how to handle the emotions that come with this. Please try to be extra understanding without allowing any abuse.