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wavey
02-28-2018, 01:24 PM
my boyfriend at the time after a night out snapped at me he had drank quite abit and wasnt very nice. The following day i said speak to me like that again im done. Prior to all of this he lost his job and hes own transport and was getting angry and frustrated. The following week we went out again and he drank quite abit was snapping at me when were out so i decided it was time we went home. When we got home i didnt recognise him he just went weird. Shout random things and like he wasnt having a go at me though said some hurtful things. He grabbed me. i left and went to my friends house as i wanted away from him.

Without my consent she called the police they arrived and they said it was a domestic case. I didnt want them involved. He was arrested. When i returned back to the house it was a mess he said it was the police when they arrested him. He has said he doesnt remember any of the evening or the incident. As the police were involved i had a call from ss. i was not a concern for them. i broke it off. since this 3 mths ago i have spoken to him he seems to be getting back on track a new car and a really good job.

i miss him but unsure if i could trust him again. he is very sorry (both children were not at the address for both incidents. ). we have been in socisl drinking situations prior to this and there has never been an issue. He has said he has stopped drinking as the incident scared him.

MSNik
02-28-2018, 02:36 PM
Im unclear as to whether there is a question here...

But, you did the right thing by leaving him...he obviously needs some help and you are not obligated or authorized to give it to him. Please dont go back to him...if he has no memory of what happened, he has a bigger problem than you are aware of.

People do not "fix" this issue on their own...until he has professional help, this isnt someone you can trust to be safe around. Just because he has a nice car and supposedly a good job doesnt mean that he is fixed...or that he will keep either of these things. You didnt trust him a few months ago...the cops arrested him- he now has a record....this isnt someone you need to be around.

Stay away and find someone worthy of you...Im sorry, but that is my opinion.

Good luck!

wavey
03-03-2018, 07:48 AM
thank you. i was asking what can i do to help im not materialistic and i was just stating he is straighting himself out. i didnt press charges as i feel i aggravated it by being worried about my ex having my kids and not contacting me. I feel he had enough. i do care for him but would consider anything further rhan friendship till he seeked help which he doesnt recognise he needs.

quincy
03-03-2018, 10:52 AM
Would you clarify your ex and having your kids. Do you mean who you are talking about in this thread?

Wise choice to not go back. Nothing you can do to help except to maintain extremely clear boundaries physically and emotionally. It's good he's heading in a better direction, but that will only be until things go wonky again. Alcohol fuels his anger and frustrations, and he takes that outward. It's his way of coping.....he seriously needs more than you can offer.

I would lessen the contact and soon sever the relationship...wish him the best and move on, eventually with someone who is much more balanced.

q

yayagirl
03-03-2018, 11:04 AM
Dear wavey,

Being sorry for him means absolutely nothing. His choices have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Your friend that called is healthy minded and a true friend to you. Maybe you can ask her to help you get help to become healthy minded.

There is no way to determine how low he has to go before he wakes up. Many never choose to face reality, and there is NO way to figure out who will or will not. They are adept at lying that they are sorry or 'will change'. No, if that were true he would already be making different decisions.

You need to learn what draws you into another person's sickness. Addicts cannot change for other people. Until or unless they decide to change there is no way to help them, and codependents that feel sorry for them are not the people that can help them.

Addicts always choose their substances of choice over other people and even over their own well-being. The substance of choice is the addicts best (worst really) friend. They love their addiction over anything and anyone else. Don't fall for the lie that you are important to an addict.

I wonder what draws you into this dangerous lifestyle?

As long as his substances of choice are his best friends nothing and no one can be important to him. Don't feel sorry for him or give him 'chances'. We each alone have to decide to love health and reality more than a 'high'. No one can choose for any of us.

All that to say, YOUR only choice is to either bow to his addiction or stay away from it. There is no way to know how low he has to go before he chooses to stop destructive behavior, IF he ever does.

And, it is not your business.
Feeling sorry for someone is not love.

Love,

wavey
03-04-2018, 10:13 AM
thank you all for your advice. regarding the kids they were with my ex husband for the night which rarely happens so i think i went out which isnt the norm for either of us. He is going in the right direction i do not feel sorry for him i care for him as when we were together it waa good other than those occasions. ive told him to go and sort it out and assess what help he needs. As i am firstly a parent and i will not have this behaviour around my child.